charley

Yes, yes, and yes. Everything you said - yes. I personally am confident in my various tastes, but that is something I developed over time. In the beginning, I just copied what a very cool and "popular with the ladies" businessman friend of mine wore. That was where my dressy casual businessman look came from. Some of my local platonic women friends told me they loved that look. However, others told me they'd prefer a more casual, rugged look, based around jeans. Others prefer a more formal, subdued, dressy look. I didn't need any help with the dressy formal conservative look. All I had to do was copy my father since that style is timeless. Except not copy the trenchcoat over suite. No trenchcoats allowed! I did however, take a couple women friend shopping with me to develope my casual sports and casual rugged looks while retaining some class and common sense. So I had my woman-friend-eye-for-the-straight-guy shopping trips many times. I still do. I love those shopping trips! Like the time I was hitting it off with the cashier and then my woman-friend-eye-for-the-straight-guy lady friend showed up and the cashier got in a huff about it. I guess she assumed....? Those shopping trips with a woman friend are great, but if possible take more than one woman with you because their tastes vary a lot. If you let only one woman's opinion's dress you, you'll only appeal to her clones. What about all the other women's tastes? That's why I always try to get several women to help me. You can also get help from women who work at the clothing store. I take their opinions with a grain of salt though, since it's her job to sell you something. However, what a great and easy way to meet women at the store. Think about that.

I only see trench coats on businessmen my fathers age (senior), and the door to door missionary boys who wear black slacks, white shirt, and trench coat. You're way to young for that look, especially when adding the trench coat to it. I'm to young for that look. I threw my trench coat away. Seriously, I did. I still have my suit, formal white shirts, and ties for appropriate occasions, but I threw my trench coat in the trash can years ago.

I agree that most men dress slovenly. I also agree that Kevin is doing OK. However, there's room for improvement.

Hi Kevin. I don't know if this is helpful, but I'm trying to be helpful. I've observed that women have varying tastes. I often prefer to go dressy casual with slacks, nice polo shirt (like a Ralph Laren, Tommy Hilfigger, or Calvin Klein) jacket, and baseball hat. Also my dressy casual or dressier Clarks shoes. Unlike most men, I like to color coordinate everything. I don't mean the same color (boring). I mean my shirt and hat match color and the stripe in the shirt matches my pants. The shoes match either pants or belt. Though some women do not like baseball hats, there's plenty of others who do. I often ask my women friends for their honest opinions of my clothes and they give them. Some women prefer no hat, others like the hat. Some like certain colors. Others like other colors. I personally think that if you happen to be wearing colors a woman likes, you're suddenly more attactive, especially if everything is color coordinated. At the very least, a color coordinated guy stands out because most men have no color sense. No woman is ever going to assume I'm wearing a baseball hat to hide greasy hair because my hat matches my shirt, and the stripes in my shirt match my pants, and my shoes match either pants, belt, or shirt. That clearly says I put a bit of thought into my look. So women can safely assume my hair is washed under the hat. Actually, I wash my hair and hats with same shampoo. There's also women who prefer a guy dressed more casually, in jeans, and polo shirt, or sport shirt, or something appropriate to jeans. A guy in jeans looks more rugged, according to my local women friends. A guy in slacks looks classier, also according to my local women friends. Some women prefer the one, others prefer the other. When I wear jeans, I still color coordinate hat and shirt, shoes and belt, but my choice of shoes and belt is then something less formal and more rugged looking to be appropriate to jeans. i.e. - don't wear jeans with formal dress shoes, formal dress shirt, or formal dress belt. i.e. - no formal dress shirts with jeans, especially not a white dress shirt with jeans. It's a fashion conflict. I think there's a few things to remember about women's tastes. 1) Every woman has her personal preferences and they vary per woman. 2) Some women prefer a more casual looking, more rugged looking guy 3) Some women prefer a more formal, classy looking guy 4) I think all women prefer when the guy's looks put together in a cohesive manner. i.e. - if you choose to look casual, then your entire outfit should be casual. For example, wearing dress shoes with jeans, or a dress shirt with jeans is a mismatch of styles that says you are thrown together, not put together. Don't mix casual and formal clothing items together and wear at same time. That screams nerd. No offense. Hey, I used to do that too, when I was younger. Must stop that. Your look has to be cohesively rugged casual, or dressy casual, or formally dressy. No mixing and matching those looks together. Only nerds do that. By avoiding the mixing and matching of styles, you can then choose a cohesive look. 5) If you do color matching of your clothes (many men just can't) that adds to your cohesive look. 6) Since some women like one cohesive look, and others like another cohesive look, now you have to choose each day between sports casual, rugged casual, dressy casual, and formal dressy. I typically alternate between those first 3, but occasionally go for formal dressy when the occasion is suitable for it. 7) I think that alternating looks (each one a cohesive look) from day to day is best because it shows the various ladies in your life all your different good, cohesive looks. It's likely that each woman will have her preference from among your various looks. Once she sees one she likes, that one is likely to stick in her head as her favorite and she'll remember you that way as being your potential. I also find it to be self entertainment to alternate looks. Then I don't get bored with myself. It's also very interesting to observe how each woman's reaction varies from one day to the next depending on my "look of the day". Good free entertainment and also sometimes I get an idea what she likes. That's one reason I alternate cohesive looks, including sometimes not wearing my baseball hat(s). FYI - I have an entire collection of baseball hats. I try to color match to my shirt or jacket each day. Sometimes it's not possible to color match, in which case I avoid a clash. Hat must never clash with shirt. And remember not to wear the hat every 3rd, 4th, or 5th day. Let them see that your hair is clean. Typically my favorite time to leave my hat at home is when I wear a suit. I can't wear a baseball hat with a suit anyway. So that's the perfect day to leave the hat at home. You could skip the hat altogether, but some women like it. If you like it yourself, as I do, then go ahead and wear it at least half the time. However, remember to color match and to keep hat(s) clean. I'm not going to say to keep your hair clean, because I'm sure you already do. However, most men fail to wash their hats and they get disgusting. I like to wash baseball hats with a dish brush and shampoo inside and out. Those my thoughts. Please don't anyone flame me for trying to be helpful.

Is talking always necessary? Sometimes I'd like to hold hands and listen to music, or watch TV, or just enjoy some silence together while cuddling. I think sometimes silence is OK, maybe even preferable, especially if relaxing. Hey, I'm capable of being a talker, but I like my silent times to, and I can't have that if you are always trying to force conversation on me. Just my thoughts. There's a song called silence is golden. So for some of us, it is sometimes golden.

I second that.

That might bother you while you're alive and expect to be indefineately. However, it wouldn't even be a thought or matter to you, if you thought you were really dying or seriously injured. At that point romance is of zero concern, IME. I've had a couple GFs in my life, which isn't much. Only one good GF, ever. I regret that now while I'm sitting here in safety and relatively good health. However, at a few times in my life when I thought I might die, or when the doctors told me my neck was broken to name another time of stress, I didn't think about women at all. I only thought about myself, concentrating on not panicking, but just relaxing because whatever happens will happen and worrying about it won't help. My dad started to panic and I talked to him and calmed him down while I was flat on my back strapped to a board with a broken neck. I only thought of myself, family, close friends, and I tried not to think of my future at that time. Only take things one minute at a time. Later a day at a time. Later a week at a time. Later a month at a time. When under that type stress you have to control your thoughts and break down survival into manageable increments. Romance does not figure into that. If you are worried about romance, it's because you have the relative peace, safety, and good health to do so. If you were dying, or thought you might die, you'd have other concerns.

Interesting topic. I think rubbing someone's back is an affection thing, not a sex or making out thing. Though the two can be combined nicely though into one cohesive affection and sexual experience. Some of my platonic women friends love it when I give them a backrub, but it's just affection and nothing to do with sex. Other women friends have a no touching relationship with me. Anyhow, the ones who do like backrubs like a firm enough, deep enough one so that they can feel it in muscles and joints, not just on surface off skin. However, these are "shirt on" backrubs, so doing like a light feather duster wouldn't be noticed much anyway. Maybe that's why they like it firmer and with more force. I only gradually increase the level of pressure and ask how they like it at each stage so I don't hurt them. Now I did do this with a GF while making out with her, but I confess that I soon abandoned massaging her back in favor of massaging her butt since she also liked that as much and it was a lot more fun for me. I did that with the same level of pressure as my typical backrub - medium pressure or slightly more. A good time for all. I also had another GF who I gave a lot of backrubs too and she loved them. Also, medium to slightly more pressure. In her case, she got a lot of backrubs because I never got sexually intimate with her. i.e. - I never got past the affection (back rubs, cuddling) phase with her. We still had lots of affectionate fun though, and extra affection. However, it all depends on the woman and her preferences. The above are just my experiences, which admittedly are limited in number. I can give a woman a backrub good enough to make her eyes lose focus, maybe even roll back. Although a backrub is affection to me, and not a sexual thing, it must be one of the best seduction techniques ever for easing a person into liking to be touched and being comfortable. My first GF did this with me. I've been hooked on backrubs ever since. Giving is just as good as receiving. Taking turns is heaven.

You are right of course ^ and I wasn't advocating forcing him to do anything. I do think it might be helpful if options were presented to him and his wife. If his wife can't handle it, she might have to just say, "I can't handle it anymore. I can't do it anymore. Choose an option because I'm not going to do it anymore." In which case, he'd have to make some decisions, which he could if he had the options presented to him.

Is the fairer sex fair? A riddle to be pondered by many, answered by none.

I agree with Batya completely. What she says above is dead on accurate. What's going on here Batya? I agree with everything you've posted lately. You must be as shocked as I am. We're very like minded lately.

That only happens sometimes. It's not always the case. Some women like nice men who treat them well.

Ya, I like that even better.

Right on to "smile at them". You can also pull over and see if they do too. Then maybe suggest getting an icecream cone or soda.

In home caregivers are available to help with grooming, medical, house keeping, etc. Also, assisted living facilities are a decent alternative and are halfway between an apartment and a nursing home. I think her father sounds like a candidate for either in home care, or living in an assisted living facility. My father owns two assisted living facilities and I can tell you they are much nicer for the residents than a nursing home. However, if the person needs more care than the medical staff and caregivers can provide at an assisted living facility, then nursing home is next stop. I lived in an assisted living facility for 3 years after my neck was broken. They're decent places. That's long past now and thankfully I'm doing much better now and live independently and have a normal life (aside from the lung infection I recently had that lasted 2 months) and work and all. (No, I'm not paralysed.)

Let's sing. It's a small world after all, it's a small world after all, it's a small, small world.

I think you are a super nice lady. So perhaps next time include some compassion into the rejection, yet still be firm about it. The guy was probably just lonely. Now he's hurt, so he's being hurtful back. Time to disengage and just block him and be done with it.

From post above "Looks like he responded to rudeness with rudeness." I agree. I was trying to say it in a softer, more diplomatic way, but essentially I agree. He felt hurt, so he tried to hurt you in return. Well, lessons learned. Life goes on.

OK. I read the entire thread. Stop the presses - I agree with Batya. You have to admit Batya, that we don't often agree. Yet, everything Batya says makes good sense to me. I do think your email to him was a bit overly harsh and hurt him unnecessarily. That set him off, though he seems a bit unstable anyway. His response is then quite ugly. I think if you'd have originally sent this: "Hi. You are not what I'm looking for, as you can see from my profile. We are not a match. However, I hope you can find someone else who is to your liking. I don't intend to be rude, but with all due respect, please do not contact me again." That is polite, firm, diplomatic, yet leaves no doubt that you don't want to hear from him. That shouldn't hurt him or set him off, unless he's a total nut. Firm diplomacy is best. i.e. - firm yet polite. Was you actually did send him was a little insensitive beyond what was called for. His response is totally nuts. However, it's water under the bridge now. So time to move on. Batya's cautions and concerns are valid. Do not engage in a flame war with this guy. He might be a total nut, or nutter, as you say over there. Just block him now and forget this.

Also, do it for your mother.

I thought you band guys got the most babes. Yes? No? It sure can't hurt.

I think I do understand very well since I was a semi-invalid for 7 years due to severe injuries, plus those injuries set off a case of severe arthritis in injured areas. I couldn't go out much or often during those years. During that time, many of the things you desribed about your father would have described me to. This was when I was age 25 to 32. I don't ever remember my mom, dad, or sister behaving or acting as you do. Though it couldn't have been easy for my sister. She always introduced me to her friends and her BF. If they didn't like it, or couldn't deal with it, then they could take a hike because I was her brother. However, none of her friends or her BF (later husband) ever showed me any prejudice. So I think I can understand very well since I've walked 7 years in your father's shoes and my sister in your shoes for 7 years. Then I got lucky because a new miracle drug was invented that nearly cures the arthritis. I've been reasonably healthy (with some exceptions) since I was 33. Then the injuries could do a lot of healing too. So now I'm only mildly handicapped and most people don't notice or realized that I'm slightly handicapped because it's now so well under control. I also try my best to hide it because I know there are bigots out there like you and your friends. In this thread I've been very tolerant of you, considering I know, or very nearly know, what things must be like for your father. I also have a very good idea how things are for your mother because I've taken care of my grandmother in the past. I don't want to be overly harsh to you because I think you have the potential to become a good person and help your parents. However, you cannot tell me I don't understand because I very well understand because I had personally been in both your mother and fathers shoes for many years in the prior decade. Thankfully, things are much better for me now.

The most important thing here is that this situation has the potential to be substantially improved if she will help locate resources for help and assistance for her mother and father. That is your solution right there. Go to it. I meant counceling about how to obtain help with caregiving, and maybe financial help. I wasn't referring to psych counceling, though that might be helpful too. You mom doesn't have to do all this by herself.