blueberrypie

My ex broke up with me about 5 weeks ago. For about a week I was devastated. And then I began to get over shock. Two weeks after breakup he called me and said good-bye(he went to China at that time and that was the reason we broke up). Even then I was okay. I felt like we could actually be friends. I felt like I gave up on hope that he's gonna coming back. Few days ago, suddenly, I began to feel that he's gonna come back. I know it's crazy. But I can't shake off the thought of him coming back after China. Is this fallback normal process of healing? Has anyone else experienced the same fallback after an what-seemed-to-be-moving-on?

One of the biggest reason we suffer from the breakup is because we feel being abandoned. The grandfather in the above article could get over it or smile at the memory after two weeks because his wife didn't choose to leave him. I'm sure that he must feel sad, but at least he's not confused. Sometimes I think that it would be a lot easier to get over the breakup if my ex was dead or there was some accident involved in the breakup. I have hard time moving on because I can't believe that he changed his mind just like that.

Good job. You did yourself good. Hope you will feel better very soon. =)

True. But not your heart. Do it if you can be sure that you will not be heartbroken when you don't get a positive feedback.

There's nothing wrong about saying him 'happy bday' unless you expect something out of it--i.e., him coming back to you because now he knows you still care for him. Because if you do it expecting his response, you are risking very big hurt. Good luck!

Hey Mona, Good to hear that you are doing better(at least you are not lost 'all the time'. ) The reason he gave me was that he doesn't want a long distance relationship. In his mind it's not a relationship if two people can at least 'talk' every day. And his language program doesn't allow him to speak in any other language than Chinese, it would have been pretty hard to communicate everyday. I was fine with not contacting every day, but he didn't want it. I tried to think that he didn't want to burden me. Because I'm 5 yrs older than him and he knows that my mom wants me to marry in 2~3 yrs, and he knows that I have lots of chance to meet other people if it wasn't for him. So I tried to think that he broke up with me because he didn't want to burden me. It made me feel good for a while because it made me think that he left me because he loved me. But hey, you just read this weird sentence. He left me because he loved me? It doesn't make sense. If he really loved me shouldn't he have been with me? Although he knows that my mom wants me to marry soon and I have chance to meet marriage-material if he's not with me, he also knew that I thought he was the one. And the only reason I didn't date or even think about anyone else was because I thought I was going to marry him. He was the first person I really wanted to marry. He was the first person I wanted to change myself for. He knew that if he asked me to wait him, I would have done that. And I think it scared him. Because I was too much into him. He felt stuck with me. He thought he was still young to be with one person. He was feeling that he had to marry me after he comes back from China if he keeps dating me. And his parents helped him making that decision, too. He was only 22 yrs old, after all. (He just turned into 23 yesterday.) Today I went to a classical music concert, so I had pretty much time to think. And then I realized that I need to move on.(yes, I didn't really realize this before.) I was afraid of moving on in case of his coming back. I didn't want to wait for him in case that he doesn't come back. So I was in a dilemma. But today I realized that if I have even a small hope of getting back together I have to let it go first(as my signature says). If I hang on to a relationship, even if he comes back, I'll be too clingy and he will leave for good eventually. I know I'll probably think differently and want to wait for him because it's easier than just forget everything. But right now I'm feeling pretty moving-on. =) I'm pretty tired from 4 hours of driving, so I'll write better tomorrow. I just wanted to keep you updated. =) Keep the good work mona.

So true! I was a fun-pursing person when I began to date my current ex. I kept pursuing new, fun things in the beginning of my relationship. But I began to stop doing all those fun things. I stop seeing my friends, stop doing things which I used to do alone because I wanted to be with him. At some point we just began to not going out at all. We studied together, ate together, took a nap together, watched movies together. But we didn't go 'out' after few months. I tried several things, but with his graduation few months ahead, he didn't have time to go out. I was happy being with him, so I just stopped planning anything or asking him to go out. And then...he began to feel bored. In the end of our relationship he mentioned that he felt that he couldn't grow while with me because I don't bring anything new in a relationship. He said that I didn't suggest anything to do. Now that I realize that he's the one who rejected my idea of new things when I had suggested I'm a little bit upset, but true, I stopped being me, at least the version of me when he began to date me. And I miss that version of me. So I'm trying to get that version of me back. I wish that I read this article few months ago so that I didn't have to lose my ex out of boredom. At least I'm learning from my mistake. Anyways, thanks for the article.

I agree with most of your post. But... Should she?

Hey Mona, There **is** a reason to miss him, to be so affected. You believed in your love to him, spent so much time and energy for the relationship to work, and you dreamed of your future together as a married couple. Now all these things are taken away. The man who loved you so much that he could forgive your cheating once is gone forever--as you said above, the man died, in some sense. The man who you loved and made you believe in 'true love' is gone forever. How can you not be sad? It's very natural. Think this way. Imagine that you went to school and write a thesis and did everything which was required to get a Master. But then you missed the graduation ceremony because you were sick and they told you that you lost your degree because you missed the ceremony. Wouldn't you get sad/angry? So dont' lose respect for yourself. Not everyone experiences the love you had. Finally I have something to tell you, and it's gonna hurt you. You did cheat on him twice. So he has all the reasons to doubt you/your love although he chose wrong way to express them(send you a bi-porn link? So mean!!). Try to put you in his shoes. Do you think you can easily forgive him? Cause I don't. Even though I really love my ex and feel like he is the 'love of my life', I think it would be much easier to let him go, dis-believe in him and his love, and convince me that I *mis-conceived* him as a true love. I would probably still love him, miss him, and want to get back together, but would be easier to let him go. What makes me crazy is that we(me and my ex) didn't have any other reason than the circumstances--that he's going to China for a half year. But he will come back after a half year, so I can't shake off the thought that we may have a 'second chance' after he comes back. =( Anyways, hang in there. Don't hate/be little yourself. You will meet better person next time round(even if it's the same ex who becomes a better person). It means that you need to be a better person next time round too. So don't cry and regret sitting there. Get up and work on yourself! Life is too short. And you can't change anything which already happened. But you can change your future. =)

or when they just feel lonely.

I don't agree with this. You can care without pain. Actually, you can care more, since it doesn't hurt you. Easier said than done. I can't do it myself, but I thought you may want to hear this. Don't feel sorry because you are not sad/depressed for non-working relationship, or it doesn't hurt you any more. It would make you feel better if one day, you can think of your ex without feeling sad. Then you can even smile when you think about her.

Great thought! But when you really love someone, don't you feel like the chips (in the perfection) actually make it 'more perfect'? Well, it seemed that way to me till he left me. Maybe I'm still a hopeless romantist, but I still think 'love' is giving just to give(not to get it back). I've been in a relationship where I was in because I thought it gave me comfort or whatever, but I didn't actually feel happy because I expected something from relationship. But when I was with my current ex, I was happy even when I felt sad, because I loved him. I was happy just being with him. Or I thought I was happy because I wanted to be happy? I wouldn't know. But I couldn't feel that way with anyone else and I doubt that I can find someone I can feel that way with in the near future. I wasn't engaged with this person. He was too young to be engaged, and we both knew that he was going to China(like you had to go back to Germany), and so we tried not to think about future because we were happy as it was. So maybe in some way I knew that it was coming. So maybe I got less hurt than you did. I can't even imagine what would have happened if we broke up after engagement. So maybe that's why you are more pessimistic about 'unconditional love.' But I hope you will feel optimistic again someday soon. We found the 'love' even when we didn't believe in it(I was exactly like you before current ex). How much easier would it be to find the 'love' after we learned that there IS true love? We just got burned from fire so we don't wanna go near fire. But soon enough we will remember the warmth and get closer and closer to the fire. I hope it will happen again(without the burning part, of course.=) ) Hope I wouldn't sound hopelessly optimistic. And good to hear that you are not whiny anymore. =) We are improving every moment.

I second the opinion that treating it as a new relationship is very important. Whether it was 5 day break-up or 5 yr break-up as long as you believed/felt that it was a 'break-up', it's not a continuation, but a fresh-new relationship. Good luck!

hey Mona, Thank you for phrasing it. I know what you mean. I feel the same way. Sometimes I even wish that none of these happened so that I don't know what I'm missing now. It would have been easier if I didn't know that I can truly 'love someone and give my heart to him'. I can only hope that he would feel the same way and come back to me. Wait a minute, I said don't 'hope' for anything, didn't I?=( on the other hand, I'm glad that I found someone I can share my feeling here! keep me updated, mona.

Cause your life is yours, neither of the man who wanted to marry you, nor your mom's. Sorry if it came out cruel. I have been there. But one day, it occurred to me that if he ever comes back, I don't want to be seen like that. I don't know if he will ever come back, but there's nothing I can do to make him come back. But I can change myself! I wish there's something I can do to make him come back, but unfortunately there isn't. And if I do things to make him come back, it means I'm still dependent of him. Then I would be more miserable when he doesn't come back. So I should do things only for myself(or for your family, your friends, etc., but never for my ex). Same must be true for you. Good luck!

Thanks again, Allie. It's good to know that I'm not crazy feeling that way. =) This is sad and/but true. But encouragement for me to move on. There was something for both of us, but now it's over. Keep moving. Thanks for the encouragement, Allie. I owe you so much!

Glad to hear that it's getting better. My ex is in another country now and he planned not to talk to anyone while he's there which is about 6 months. So I'm forced to NC. Hope this forced NC will also help me. =)

Thanks Allie! I was looking for you, but you've already left. I probably shouldn't, but thinking that he misses me makes me feel better. I think it's because it makes me feel all that time we spent together wasn't 'nothing'. Or do I wish that he will come back because he misses me? I wouldn't know, but I hope not. I like the lemonade analogy. As much as I'm sad that the relationship is over, I'd like to take all the good things from the relationship....and make lemonade with the lemons. =)

It reminds me of a line from the movie "28 days". A baseball player tries to teach a girl how to throw a ball and said that she shouldn't try to control where the ball goes. She should focus on what she 'can' control. Her posture, her balance. When she focuses on herself, she threw perfectly. After having written and read it, I realized that it may not be a good comparison. But the point is, I should let go of the things I can't control, isn't it?

This makes me a little bit embarrassed. Despite of what I have said before I think I was secretly 'not want to' heal and get over my ex. Reading this passage made me feel much less stressful.(Cause I realize that there's nothing wrong about wanting to get over my ex.) Thanks, Orlander.

shes2smart, Thanks a lot for the link. I just listened to the message. It IS a great message. Everytime I fall back to the sadness, I'll listen to that. happyninja, thanks for the advice. I'll try to focus on *me*.

I broke up with my 4 months of bf 8 yrs ago. Took me 7 yrs finding another guy who I can truly love.(I've dated many guys in the meantime, but couldn't feel 'love' toward them.) After 3 yrs, we tried again but after three days we both knew that it wouldn't work.(We were not the same people we had been while we originally had been dating.) Even if it takes long, it will eventually go away. I know, easier said than done. But I guess we just should keep our hope high. Time will heal.

thanks happyninja. =) your parents analogy makes sense. my ex was an atheist and I began to doubt about a year before I met my ex. I kept questioning God, but having an atheist bf doesn't help me finding God. Maybe that's why God made us break-up. (Do you believe in this kind of theory? Then why did He break us apart instead of making me lead my ex to God also?) I'll try to pray. Can you pray for me, too? =)

Thanks guys. Whenever I left his place he said 'are you gonna abandon me?' and made a very sad face. Gosh. Now even the word 'abandon' reminds me of him and makes me sad. But I brando, I get your point. Writing the details of break-up backfired and put me into a very depressing stage. Maybe I was repressing all the sad feelings and released them by writing it. So I guess it's a good thing that I wrote them. Orlander: How can I let them go? I know, there's nothing I can do to prevent them from going. But how can I truly let them go in my mind and give up all the hope that he will not come back, or even if he comes back I shouldn't care?

I envy you. I was religious, but I'm becoming an atheist. I tried to get over my sadness through God, but whenever I read about God, I actually felt offended. When they say God has a plan for me, I will understand it later, God will make a good thing out of my pain, I feel "you can say that because you didn't experience what I'm going through." Life was much easier when I could count on God. Now I don't know where/whom to count on.