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blueberrypie

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  1. blueberrypie
    As much as I appreciate your interest, I don't really understand what you mean. We didn't have any argument before we began to talk about breakup. The breakup was caused by the fact that he would go abroad for a half year and that he didn't want to feel restrained. That's why I think he would come back eventually. Because when he comes back there would be no 'going-abroad' problem.
  2. blueberrypie
    Mona, I'm glad to hear that you are doing great now. You did it! If it makes you feel any better you didn't stop loving him suddenly. You tried to move on. And it worked! In my eyes you don't look cold-hearted at all. You are just strong minded. =) I envy you. I wish I could do that too. I want him back so much though. =(
  3. blueberrypie
    but it's stronger than the first time. Now I think that he just needs more time to truly *miss* me. In the last conversation he already said that he couldn't not call me because he missed me so much. I coudln't even send him a bday message because i wasn't sure if he could use internet at all. I found out that he's using internet. He uploaded his photos . When I just glimpsed them I thought he looked happy. I looked it again (which many of you probably disapprove) and realized that he doesn't look happy. And then thought 'if he was happy being there why would he upload photos on facebook?' One thing leads to another. I wanted to send a belated bday message to him. But now I think I should just give him enough space/time to miss things. He may decide he's better off without me. But I feel he would realize that he would come back if I don't contact him at all. I still talk to our mutual friends so he can find out that I'm not seeing anyone else. Or we may go to the party and ran into each other after he comes back (now he's abroad). I really miss talking to him, but I feel like if I contact him first he will be relieved and think that he could get me back whenever he wants so he would postpone it....probably forever. I hope my **feeling** is real. But worried that I'm just living in a fantasy. If someone still hopes for getting back together, which is usually better? LC or NC? I think he needs to feel the empty space of mine, but could it make him drive away? What if he wants to come back but can't contact me because I was nonchalant last time he contacted me and afraid of contacting? when we were together my then-ex tried to contact me many times and I ignored it because I had no intention of getting back together with that guy. And my current-ex knows about that. Back then I said 'I don't know why he doesn't get the message. If I wanted to get back together, I would have reciprocated. By not doing it I'm sending a message that I'm not interested. Why doesn't he get that?' Maybe my current-ex is thinking that and waiting for my contact? After all, he showed me that he wanted to keep in touch with me and I sort of shrugged it off.
  4. blueberrypie
    I think I go through all first four stages everyday. Is it helpful to go through these steps in the right order? Is there "right order"?
  5. blueberrypie
    randiandriien, I actually worried saying 'do whatever you want' could sound needy as in 'you can do whatever you want to me. I'm at your disposal.' way. So I regretted it for a while. I didn't know it could sound like 'shrugging off'. But if he misses me enough, wouldn't he contact me anyways? Wouldn't sending a message make him feel being chased? maybe I'm worrying too much.
  6. blueberrypie
    DonMiguel, If do nothing is better than do something whenever I have doubts, why do you recommend sending a lite message? one more thing. His bday was two weeks ago. Isnt' it kind of late for 'belated bday' message?
  7. blueberrypie
    Love this quote!
  8. blueberrypie
    Thanks guys. I actually expected replies such as "no you did a good job.","don't send him a message". Anyways, the thing is I'm not supposed to know that he can use internet there. I ommited one part of our breakup. To maintain friendship we planned to send letter(not an email but actual hand-written letter) once a month while he's there. He has my address but I don't have his address(I can check his address if I try, but I don't want to send that kind of signal, you know). Last time he called he asked me if I wanted him to send me his address and everything. he mentioned that I have his email address very casually, and then he went on saying "do you still want me to send you my address and everything?" and I said "do whatever you want". I said that because I didn't want to get hurt when he doesn't send it when I ask him to. Anyways, he said that he's gonna send it anyways so that I can use it if I want. One month passed, I didn't receive anything yet. Maybe that's why I'm experiencing relapse these days. Because I feel like I'm rejected again because he's not sending things he said he would. Anyways, after additional information, do you guys still think I should send him a message through email? If I send the message should it be just one line 'happy belated bday. how was your bday in another country?' or can it have more content? I've attended one of his best friends' graduation party recently and met some of his friends there. Can I talk about it? Or should I keep cool just happy bday message? Thank you so much for your support!
  9. blueberrypie
    My ex broke up with me few weeks ago. To make long story short, we broke up because he was going abroad for 6 months and he didn't want to be refrained. We said we would remain friends. Two weeks after breakup he called me for the first time. It was the day before his leaving. He said he wanted to call before but he couldn't because I used to say that I would never talk to him again if he broke up with me. (I thought that it was impossible to be friends with ex, but I changed this view when we broke up because he wanted to leave the possibility of getting back together after he comes back to the states open. So I thought it would be okay to breakup on a friendly term and leave the possibility open than ending the relationship ugly.) Anyways, we talked for about ten minutes and at the end of the call he said he was going to keep in touch with me. I said okay and hang up. 3 weeks after that was his birthday. I wanted to drop a message but I wasn't sure if he can use internet or not, and I wanted to look/feel like I was moving on. like I don't care about him any more. I have my life! So I didn't send him anything, even a short message saying happy bday. And I didn't want to get another rejection. What if I sent him a message and he didn't respond? I would feel rejected again. But he couldn't reject me again if I didn't do anything. That's why I didn't do anything on his bday. Now I found out that he uses internet there. He's uploading photos on the facebook. And now, I'm regretting that I didn't leave an even short message. He would think I totally moved on. I don't care about him at all. Then he would try to move on. Try to not contact me at all. He couldn't call me because he was afraid of upsetting/hurting me again by doing that. Ignoring his bday would make him more afraid. Or....shouldn't I worry about that? I know I can't change anything I've already done, or rather, not done, but should I have had sent a message on his bday when we decided to remain friends and when I still hope to get back together eventually? Or was it a good thing that I didn't do anything that day, and I'm being silly regretting it now?
  10. blueberrypie
    that is way longer than I hope it would be. But at the same time it makes me feel better about feeling bad right now--few weeks after breakup. Beaker, I experienced my first relapse few days ago. It was so depressing because I thought I was over him for long time. But people said it is only natural to experience relapse and to go through several times. I know it's terrible. But we've gone through once, and we know that we are not gonna die from it. So hang in there. It will pass, eventually.
  11. blueberrypie
    Thanks RW, I *think* I truly like hanging out with them for who they are. But who knows I may like hanging out with them because he will be able to hear about me from them when he comes back.(My hearing about him from them is not an option b'cause he's not contacting anyone right now anyways.) But do they(ex's friends) actually change their minds about being friends with me sometime after the breakup? Did it actually happen to you? That's so...bad. Can I ask you what happened?
  12. blueberrypie
    My ex-bf broke up with me several weeks ago. Two days after that he left town. Many of his friends are still in town, so sometimes I ran into them. Since the breakup was sudden, most of them don't know we broke up. When they ask me about how I'm doing and mention his name, should I just tell them we are broken? Wouldn't it make them uncomfortable if I say 'oh well, he broke up with me few weeks ago' when they ask me how I'm doing just to be polite? Or I'm trying to hold onto him by not saying that? More, is it a bad idea to be friends with ex's friends? There's a couple who are his ex-roommates. We used to hang out all the time and they are still in town. They know that we are broken and they still want to hang out with me. Sometimes seeing them together makes me a little bit sad/jealous. Am I torturing myself by being with them? Or am I being brave by not severing them? To be honest, it hurts a little to see them but if I try to cut them off because they are also his friends, then running into them accidentally may hurt me more. By seeing them often, I may be able to get over this feeling faster. I think I'm in a confusion right now. Any thoughts, comments, advices will be duly appreciated. =)
  13. blueberrypie
    This is a problem. I don't really understand why we broke up. That's why I sort of over-analyze situation. I'm not just waiting for him. If someone interesting comes by, I'll probably try to get to know him better. But, I'm not trying to forget him either. It might be easier just forgetting everything and moving on. I know I can. But I don't want to. He was the first person I truly felt in love with, and I don't want to minimize the feeling even now. But I'm trying to live without him. If he comes back I'll be able to open up some space for him, but if he doesn't I would still survive. Till now, 6 weeks after the breakup, I can still only 'survive' without him. It may get better. Or even better, he may come back. Who knows. Anyways, I'll keep posted here and get your advice till then. Thank you guys. =)
  14. blueberrypie
    What if the person is actually going through all these changes and is gonna be abroad for a while? my ex actually used all these sentences I quote above. But we are going to be physically apart for awhile and didn't know how we are gonna change. Since we cannot communicate well for awhile, we don't know if we are gonna be able to make it then. I think in my case he actually meant what he said. Or...am i idealizing what happened to me?
  15. blueberrypie
    sadk: I like both your analogies: kids and soulmate club. it's gonna be six months in the middle December. But I don't think he would contact me immediately. He'll probably call me in Feb. So my waiting period will continue till then. Good luck with yours, too. =)
  16. blueberrypie
    mona: good job calling your friends instead of your ex. And that's how you heard that encouraging story somewhere else. So it was good for many people. =) Thank you for your encouragement. Today was better than yesterday. Hope tomorrow will be even better.
  17. blueberrypie
    so, by definition, there could be more than one soulmate. But now it doesn't feel that special any more. Too pessimistic?
  18. blueberrypie
    i do. I once dumped a guy because he was too nice to me. well, i regretted it almost immediately, but it actually happened.(so the hell I'm going through now is probably the price I'm paying for what i did before. =( ) There were two reasons which made me feel bad about him being too nice. First it felt like he was being nice to be because he was insecure/needy. It didn't feel like he was doing that because it was me. I felt like it was a girlfriend what he needed, not me. The second reason was terrible. I just felt bored. Maybe I felt insecure, because I thought I didn't deserve his unconditional love. I even tried to fight with him. I criticized him and did everything to begin fight, but he was always nice and even apologized to me. So I felt bored, and dumped him. It sounds terrible, but thought my post may help people to understand this position.
  19. blueberrypie
    Sean: so your definition of soulmate doesn't include 'meant-to-be-together?' I met a guy who I believed is my soulmate. But we are not together now. We didn't fight or anything. He just had to be in a different place for 6 months. So we left the possibility after 6 months open. I hope we would be together then because, well, we are each other's soulmate. But isn't it true?
  20. blueberrypie
    It is a very encouraging story. Thank you for your post. A year indeed sounds like an eternity, but it's better than eternity, isn't it?
  21. blueberrypie
    If you both felt that the other person is the best person you could ever be with but one person left the other person, does it count as a soulmate? I think there are soulmate**s**, not just one soulmate. Or there can't be plural by definition?
  22. blueberrypie
    I hope so. But does that reason make sense to you? If we love each other, shouldn't this physical distance be in our way? Or it was just his excuse, so I should ignore that and move on anyways?
  23. blueberrypie
    So I was trying to get back on my 'normal' life. And the N. Korea shoot 12 missiles. How are they related? My ex is in rural China, right northern to N. Korea. He was supposed to stay there for about 6 months--summer and fall semester. After that N. Korea, first thing came to my mind was 'maybe he will come back after the summer semester because his parents will worry about their son's security.' And I'm almost sure that if he comes back right after the summer he most probably will come back to me. Call me naive. But China was the only reason that we broke up as far as I know. If he comes back, he most probably need to work, and the only option for him is my town. There will be no more physical separation between us. So he will most probably come back to me. But at the same time I'm protecting myself with thought that he will not come back because I 'need' him. I can manage to live without him for few months or even few years, but I'm afraid of living w/o him for ever. So....it makes me very vulnerable. If he comes back right now, I don't think I can argue or reason with him. I would be just very glad that he's back, which would make me less attractive to him. So...the key is I have to let him go. I have to move on. If he comes back, I can worry about that then. If he doesn't come back, it would be okay because I've already moved on. But how can I truly move on?
  24. blueberrypie
    Thanks for the comments guys! Will I experience fallbacks few more times? I wished five weeks is long enough because I have my life to worry about. Most of time I'm fine by myself but only because I'm spending time distracting myself from the real life--reading novels(mostly fantasy, mystery), watching movies/TV, talking to my friends/family, things like that. I need and want to work as before. I thought I was getting over it, so I planned to work like normal beginning tomorrow(after the long weekend) and the 'relapse' happened. Maybe I have to try to live 'normal' anyways and that will make moving on easier. btw annie, did your feeling always right? I mean did you always feel that 'feeling' after every breakup, or it was just that time when he actually came back? I know I shouldn't count on my feeling because, well, it's just 'feeling'. But As hard as it is, it's still easier than move on. And it's better to believe in something then to lose the future you were counting on.
  25. blueberrypie
    I thought denial is the first stage of grief. I have already been through anger/resentment, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. How can I fall back to denial after all these? =(
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