Hunny1607307342

1) The book; "it's called a break-up because it's broken" 2) Re-invent yourself in some way - I got blonde highlights (HE loved them... but thats not what you should be aiming for, but I just had to say that lol) 3) 'I will survive' - gloria gaynor 4) If you got dumped, set up a scene in your mind whereby he comes back and says "I'm sorry I changed my mind", and you saying "NO". {This puts you back in control. But you have to mean it - in real life if your ex does that you should say no. You deserve better than that, if your ex was crazy about you he wouldn't have broken it off - you don't pick up a glass and smash it on the floor if you really love it. And then say oops maybe I'll go and fix it again. Refuse to be fixed. When something breaks you buy a new one. You're IN CONTROL.} 5) Have a good time with your friends and just enjoy the benefits of being single 6) Life's a game...play it 7) When you wake up, GET OUT OF BED IMMEDIATELY!!! Saturday mornings for me lead to deep depression if I simply lie there 8) Look forward to your incredible guy/girl that you still haven't met, who is 'the one'. You don't believe its possible because you haven't seen it yet... but it is.....

I know what you mean...I was telling my friend the other day; when will I ever meet another guy who has the same favourite song as me?! AND has his birthday a week after mine?! AND etc. etc. But I just have to slap myself with sense; of course there will be someone better, one day. I just can't see them, that's why I don't believe it's possible. The only thing that bothers me is that because I am so fussy and barely ever fancy people, I will be waiting a few years. But at least I know ONE DAY I'll find someone who loves me as much as I love them. One thing that helps the break up easier for me is to picture him coming back to me and telling me he changed his mind, and me saying no. It just brings control back to me, it's like saying 'you'd say no anyway, so why are you crying, hold up your head and smile'. Because as much as my life has been completely shattered, I'd just have to force myself not to take him back. He's not crazy about me, thereforeeee it won't work out and I'll go through this again, because if he was crazy about me he would never have broken what we had. Everyone deserves someone who's crazy about them. The break-up happened, you can either sit thinking about your ex forever, or you can try and make a break-over. Everything happens for a reason, don't forget that. xXx

Hahaha that's one thing I HAVEN'T tried. I think you're right about his intentions for behaving this way; he wants it to be all 'rainbows and butterflies': a smooth transition from girlfriend & boyfriend to 'just friends' with no hard feelings. I was pretty upset about him not finding this difficult. Although, being friendly is one thing, but he's such a flirt too. He made a flirtatious comment the other day and I was like 'What did you say?' and he replied 'Oh I am going to be flirty. I can't help myself'. Sigh. MEN. Some would say just ignore him, I've tried that, but I can't have that kind of tension between us every morning, I never hold grudges against people, and also its too hard when he's so friendly. So then I tried just strict politeness, and then he keeps flirting again. If I give him a slap he'll think I'm disturbed. The other day I just thought whatever and even flirted back. I don't know what else to do with the boy. lol.

That's what I experience too keenan! Post breakup I tried the POLITENESS ONLY comminication, but he just can't help being flirty, he's like that with other girls too, so I can't tell him to change his nature. I could, if I said 'I want more, so don't do this please', but (a) I dont what him to think that I'm not over him, need to keep my dignity and (b) even if I did tell him, he might listen at first, but he'd just eventually go back to how he was. E.g. I was planning no phyiscal contact at all, but what am I supposed to do when he lunges himself on me with a hug. So I've just gotten used to it now. Being around him so much like this will probably slow down the healing process, but unforunately we're in the same room every morning for registration, just moping about... so in my world, theres no such thing as NC...

Hmmm... I suppose. Being cheated on is one of the worst things. But what's annoying in my situation was that the guy was being FAKE. All he felt was guilt, he wasn't hurt. That's what annoys me. And I think he DID do something of a jerk but pulled it off as a sweet guy. And I couldn't help being like 'aw'. And as a result I've never lost it with him, even though I have in my own mind several times. I know now that 100% its over, but I see him everyday at college and he still flirts with me - and at first I was it was like jabs in the heart have him be so flirty but not mean anything by it. But he told me 'he can't help himself'. I was being cold to him for a while and avoiding him and his comments...but that wasn't natural either. He was too sweet for me to be mean. I suppose I've just gotten used to it now and the other day I was even like what the hell might as well flirt back. Such is life........ I don't know what else to do. lol.

Just out of interest, how have your break-ups been? Has the guy/girl been cold-hearted, or cheated and brushed you off, or has he/she been as sweet and nice as possible? Because my guy was all sweet and nice, telling me all the good things about me, and that I deserve better etc. etc. and being slighly 'fake' to make me feel better. BUT now that I think about it... I'd rather he made me angry than upset. I'd rather he admits to being a jerk for leading me on like that, rather than giving me puppy dog eyes telling me that he's not. Because that way I can sprawl out all my emotions through anger right onto him. Now I feel rather weak and naive. It all ended with me smiling sweetly. I just want to yell at him WHY DO YOU LIE LIKE A RUG?! WHY DIDN'T YOU ADMIT TO BEING A PLAYER WHEN I ASKED YOU FROM THE START?! But I'm just upset. He was sweet. Sometimes I wish he was mean. Anger is easier than sadness. Do you see where I'm coming from? What are your experiences? xXx

Thats exactly the book I picked up yesterday! I was reading it and I thought it was great, and was also going to recommend to people here going through a break up.

1) Do you feel that you'd rather never see your ex again than be friends with him (and find out sooner or later he/she's happy with someone else)? I have to be friends with him I see him everyday at college and have to deal with the guys flirtatious comments every now and then with NO strings attached AND listen to him telling others about this girl he's taking to Paris for Valentines Day. YES IT HURTS LIKE CRAZY I'd rather never see him again, for ages, and then when I'm over him meet up again. But it's not that simple... 2) How bad was this break-up for you INITIALLY? I went on my life as best as I could, but there's a big hole and i miss him/her so much 3) Was this the 1st break-up as bad, or have you gone thru similar (more or less) ups/downs before? First love, first break up... 4) Do you feel you were so hurt and reacted so much to breaking up because (any and all that might apply) i) you were never dumped before by someone you cared this much ii) you loved this ex so much, he/she was like no other iii) you weren't emotionally sound when you started that relationship iv) Other? ALL of these. 5) Do you feel that a majority of this pain is maybe rejection, and that you can move on and love others, but having a hard time with rejection? Well not MAJORITY but definitely part of it. I didn't like hearing that we weren't compatible, it made me feel like there's something missing in me, and it was the fact that he had control of power that made me feel really weak. 6) Bonus rhetoric question: Do you also feel amazed how the person you were so in love with few months ago could be/seem/sound SOOOOO cold/cruel when he/she wants to break it off? NO I wish he was so that I could yell at him, but he was unbelievably sweet so I couldn't be mad at him. It was to an extent "fake" though.

I have to see my Ex everyday at college and have him flirt with me with no strings attached. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but don't give up, just because you're 31; PLENTLY of people meet 'the one' in there 30's, and you still have 8 years of that time left. 'The one' comes when you least expect it, so just enjoy life and don't go looking for her...she will come one day. Good luck.

Longer Route BREAK UP --> Don't do anything about it --> Get on as normal --> Hang out ---> Freak out --> Outbursts of tears --> depressing Saturday mornings --> Over-eat or starve --> Over-sleep or die --> Finding his cute notes which can lead to deep depression --> As can reminiscence of your memories --> Romantic comedies are a means of sombre entertainment --> Carry on like this for a bit longer --> Lose all hope --> Re-invent yourself --> Smile a lot --> Blink --> Open your eyes --> Actually when something breaks you buy a new one --> ACTUALLY get over it. Shorter Route. By about 4 days. BREAK UP --> Freak out --> Outbursts of tears --> depressing Saturday mornings --> Over-eat or starve --> Over-sleep or die --> Finding his cute notes which can lead to deep depression --> As can reminiscence of your memories --> Romantic comedies are a means of sombre entertainment --> Carry on like this for a bit longer --> Lose all hope --> Re-invent yourself --> Smile a lot --> Blink --> Open your eyes --> Actually when something breaks you buy a new one --> ACTUALLY get over it. Unfortunately there's not shorter route... but its okay, writing this reminded me that it's all part of experiencing life...

Aw thanks so much guys... unfortunately in my situation NC will be impossible, which is probably why it's so hard for me to heal. Because in college, every morning for 30 mins we sit in a room for registration. The registration is just two minutes...so for the rest of the time we just have to mope about in the room and talk to each other. And theres about 10 per room. And guess what? He's in that room with me! So its unavoidable, literally. At the moment our contact is friendly, polite, 'what you up to' kind of talk. (And also he's said to me before he can't help himself being a little flirty sometimes too). But anyways... despite that, its easier at college, because theres a lot happening which takes my mind off my feelings, and I have my friends around etc. its like a little community. NOW its half term...and I've just woken to a morning full of stomach churning anxiety and regret. *sigh*... but I really appreciate everyones advice I will not ask him what he did for Valentines!!

Thank you so much for your reply it was really sweet. You're right - and I have gotten blonde highlights attempting to re-invent myself, but I'm still me in the end! Week-days aren't as bad... because although I see him mon-fri, I have a million friends around me to hang out with, and I have my work, and tonnes of stuff going on. It just makes me feel 'normal'. Then when people ask me if I've broken up with him I can laugh it off and say "yeah we just had a little fling". But then it gets to weekends...saturday mornings are so horrible! And now it's HALF TERM. Sometimes I just can't be bothered to pick myself up. I'm planning on renting out plenty of movies to watch. And I will go out sometimes I guess...but in the end it will always come back to me. His ghost will keep coming back to haunt me! Question: is it a bad idea to ask him what he did for Valentines Day when we go back? (I'm dying to know, since he told my friend he's taking a girl to Paris and I think it must be a lie. You don't spend that much money on a girl unless you're in a serious relationship with her... Finding about this the other day was like another stab in the heart).

Sometimes I feel okay, even happy for a second. I've posted my story before but, to cut it short, he ended it because he wants to 'start fresh' and doesn't want a relationship with anyone but said wanted to be friends. And I see him everyday - he goes to my college. I have to handle the change of kissing on the lips to pecks on the cheeks he gives to every other girl, and so on. We just broke up college for half term today, and it hurt so much to hear 'have a good holiday', instead of last time when he said 'I feel so bad saying goodbye, when am I going to see you next?' It hurts me so badly that he doesn't care. So quickly and easily. How can he do that? He has just completely disengaged himself from anything we ever had, with no problem whatsover. I just spent the past 10 minutes crying... mornings are the worst... I am just scared of tomorrow morning. I wake up and feel horrible. And they say it gets better everyday, but why is it that a few days ago I felt so much better and now I'm so much worse? I have felt this bad before, like a few weeks ago when it had just happened. But I feel like I'm just going round in circles, rather than reaching the end of a line... if that makes sense. As a result it feels like an eternal feeling. I know it's obviously not, but the fact that it goes from okay to bad and okay to bad again worries me. And then I go over everything in my head again and try and work out if he ever had feelings for me, because he seemed to and they felt so real but the way he is now suggests not please help xxxxx

I don't know... when it came up a while ago when were "together", he said that he's been cheated on so he wouldn't do that but that he'll be honest with me and that he has cheated on a girl once before and that was when he was REALLY DRUNK. So he couldn't have been cheating on his girlfriend with me. Our thing was not a 'one time thing'... it was for quite a while... Today my friend said she's been with her boyfriend for 18 months and as a joke he said that most of his relationships don't last more than three months because after that he's like 'fresh start fresh start!!!!' I just want to cry. Plus - We just broke up college for half term. Last time we broke up college he said 'oh I feel so bad saying goodbye...when am I going to see you next? Maybe I'll see you later this evening.... I'll call you'. THIS time he saw me and briefly said; 'Hey, have a good holiday okay, love you loads bye'. I WANT TO BURST OUT CRYING!!!!!!!! I hate this I hate this I hate this. HAVE A GOOD HOLIDAY?! So we're not going to meet up once... Moved from a priority to a NOTHING? He goes from being infatuated over me to.... not caring whatsover? From him wanting to see me so much to not wanting to see me at all? Sorry for rambling. I'm just so so so upset and can't make sense of anything.

Well I don't know much about his past, I only met him in September... but how can I find out? Can I ask him?! It's just all this time I've been so sweet to him, because HE'S been so sweet about everything, plus I didn't want to see desperate, like I cared. But I actually WANT A REASON TO FLIP, like him being with her whilst he was seeing me. He needs yelling at, because he could never imagine me being angry at him in a million years; in his eyes I'm utterly sweet and naive considering I forgave him for what he did with a sweet smile on my face believing his little act. But he's so against cheating on girlfriends, so he couldn't have been with her whilst with me?! And he said he didn't want a full on relationship with anyone at the moment, so who takes a randomer to Paris. This is weird...

Hi, I've posted before recently, my other post was called "When you HAVE to see them everyday", and just explaining how this guy i had a thing with for a few months broke it off, saying he cannot be in a full on relationship, and he can't do attachment, or commitment because of what happened last time he tried it. IT was confusing because only a few days before he was all over me acting like he was completely infatuated over me. Anyway, he said its not fair on me etc. etc. Now a week after we break up: my friend asked him his plans for half term and Valentines day and he he's taking a girl to Paris. And it's not me. When I found this out, it was like: and couldn't breath and felt like i've been stabbed in the heart as a top up to what I already have dealt with. WHAT?!?!?!?!!!!! He couldn't have cheated on her, especially not for that long, because he's strongly against 'cheating' which he would consider even a one time thing, let alone over a few months. And he couldn't have met her whilst being infatuated over me, because he didn't go out for those three weeks STRAIGHT he was revising for his exams I was even there to witness this for most of it. So, does this mean i meant so little to him that he's met someone, within a few days and asked her out?! After being so hesitant about officially asking me out for all those months?! Please help! xxx

Hey guys thank you SO much for your replies, your comments and advice mean a lot to me. But there's something else that has bothered me recently... is he being nice to me out of guilt? The other day we ended up on the same street at the same time whilst walking to college. So I smiled sweetly and said hi etc. and we just talked about normal stuff for a while, then he said my hair looks "beautiful" (because I curled it). Then later again I bumped into him in a classroom and I asked him to look at my presentation. He said its "really great" and "beautiful"... (it was only a stupid little presentation! and then I thought later on, is he being so nice and (a little 'fake'?) to me out of pity...or GUILT? It makes me queasy in the stomach to think that's what it is. Please Help! xxx

I personally find mornings hard as opposed to nights. I find that throughout the day I can gather my thoughts together, make sense of everything, accept, forget, and somehow come to a fuzzy conclusion. But then I wake up again, and everything starts all over again. I have to go through the same process. Over and over and over. It'll go away though, I know it will. That's what makes everything ok. So you'll be fine too. It happens to ALL of us, and don't be scared that it's been 3 months and you're still not over him, because U will! U cry a river, build a bridge, and walk over it - yours is just a big river

Thanks so much for your advice. I don't wait around for him like I used to. He used to be my motive to go to college, but now I guess I'm just SOMEHOW living with other motives - and I was going to say 'work', but that depresses me further because school used to be way more fun when I had him to think about!! ANYWAY, like I said I unavoidably see him every morning for half an hour. It's not even a lesson, its just registration, so we unavoidably have to talk to each other. So, he was cheering about his exams being over (at this point we were going to make it official before he broke it off ), and so everything that was going to make my life perfect had been destroyed, so while he was laughing and messing about I had to sit there feeling miserable inside, and ALSO listen to him flirt with the prettiest girl in the school. I saw him later on in the day and infront of me my friend asked him who he fancies and he said "I dont fancy anyone.... Anyway school's not for that kind of stuff". My heart sank. How can he say that? How can he act like me and him were nothing? Then later on he made a flirtatatious comment and said "I will be flirty; I can't help myself". (But I was look exceptionally good, like he's never seen me before). Sometimes I feel like I'm almost over him, but everytime I see him again it's like a stab in the heart. Relationship coach, do you still think he will have a change of heart after hearing all of this?

I agree with hcochick. I think you should have a nice long chat with David and tell him exactly what you're thinking. It's not fair on him to be left in the dark, and the longer you leave it, the more hurt he'll be if he was expecting a committed relationship which you may not be able to give him. Just talk about it with him, and see what he suggests.

Everyone on here seems to agree that NC is the best option for getting over someone. But this guy goes to the same college as me. So, what if you're forced to see him everyday? He is inevitably in the same room as me for half an hour, every morning. What do I do? How do I get over him? Basically we had a something going on for about 5 months. One day he's telling my friend he's going to surprise me for Valentines, and the next, he told me that this is not fair on me since he can't commit with his whole heart and that we are more compatible as 'just friends', and that he would like to meet up in big groups, and carrying on getting to know me better. I was CRUSHED. I felt like he lied to me by telling me he loved me to bits, I'm special, amazing, etc. because he doesn't even seem upset about us breaking up, he just seemed really guilty and that's it. Do you think he is upset?? I wasn't sure how to act around him I tried being polite but distant, but he's naturally very overly friendly, so I have to go along with it. But everytime I see and speak to him I keep thinking maybe he'll change his mind. I can't handle being disappointed each time. I'm too used to him holding my hand, holding me, kissing me, everyday. I think the only thing that stopped us going further was his commitment phobia. How can I get him to change his mind? Since he sees me so much, do you think he will one day? I would like to disengage myself with these feelings and be 'just friends' with him, but I just can't. Your opinions would be greatly appreciated xxx

What if you get given the "it's not you, its me" speech, and claim you would work better as 'just friends' (which breaks your heart)...and yet you still have to unavoidably see them every single week day? This guy who goes to my college had a thing with me for a few months, and just when it seemed he was about to call it official, he called it off. I want him to change his mind!!! What do I do? Plus he's a very touchy feely person, so I can't be rude and shake off his hugs can I?

Hi, I'm 17, started a new school, met this guy. A couple of months down the line I really got to know him well, and we developed an extremely flirtatious relationship. We spent a lot of one to one time together and he thought up a few excuses to get me alone. At this point everyone thought we were going out. He spoke to me and told me that even though he loves me to bits, he's just come out of a relationship and is not ready for one, but that if he would want a girlfriend I would be top of the list. I was okay with it, I thought that in a few weeks he'd ask me out. As time moved on I was beginning to think that he's just a naturally flirty guy, because I observed how he behaved around other girls, and realised there's a chance he doesn't want anything with me. But then the flirting between us increased and it got to the stage when he was treating me like a girlfriend. Holding me, holding my hand, kissing my hair. Then came the climax: we had our first kiss. It lasted quite a long time and was absolutely amazing. After that he carried on treating me like a girlfriend. Then we talked about 'us' and he said that he likes me SO much but has exams for a couple of weeks so he can't have a relationship at the moment since all he has to do is study. I said its fine because they were REALLY important exams. I believed he meant what he said, because he told one of my friends that he does REALLY like me and that we still have so much time left after exams and that he's planning to surprise me for Valentines Day. Still, during his exam period, since we see each other everyday, it seemed we couldn't just break things off, so he still carried on hugging me, kissing me, and being with me when he had breaks from studying. EVERYONE was talking about us going out, but this really got him worked up, he hated all the attention. He denyed going out with me, and although its true he hadn't asked me out yet, I was still disappointed by how he responded to people. A week later he asked me to go for coffee and said "what's happening between me and you" Anyway, we sat down and talked. A lot. But we didn't really get anywhere. He told me why he likes me, that I'm special, that he's never met a girl like me, that he REALLY likes me and told me all the reasons why. He told me that he tried a long term relationship once before and he got really heart broken over that and he just doesn't want to feel like that again. He asked me what I want, and I didn't want to tell him directly, but I think he figured out that I want a proper relationship. Since he seemed afraid of attachment, he suggested an 'open relationship'. I didn't have time to realise that there's NO WAY I'd go along with this, so at the time I didn't seem keen on it, but I didn't say no either. He said the only drawback with this is that I'm 'too good' to be played and he didn't want to seem like a jerk because 'he's not like that'. Anyway, the next day, he said we need to talk again and that we're either GOING OUT or NOT GOING OUT and that it's not fair on me to have something in between. When we talked, he told me that he thinks we work better as being just friends. I was crushed. He said that I deserve so much better, I've got a wicked body, cute personality, everything, but that he doesn't think 'he's the one for me'. He said he should never have kissed me, because it confused me and lead me on and he can't commit with his whole heart, and that there are loads of guys who like me (this made me really upset cos it's as though he woudn't even get jealous of me with someone else). I asked him why he did lead me on, and he said 'because I really liked you and I knew you liked me so I thought it would develop into a relationship'. Then he said that he doesn't even really know me that well (what?!) and that we're not compatible in that way, and begged me not to hate him or think he's a jerk. He said he would like to get to know me, and continue being friends. I was so crushed. I am so heart-broken, and I know this kind of thing happens, but in this situation; I HAVE TO SEE HIM EVERYDAY. If I were to never see him again, i could just forget about him. But every time I see him its a reminder of what I nearly got, and will never have. Everytime I see him I think 'what if he changes his mind'. But the saddest thing. BEFORE, everytime I saw him he'd give me a big hug and a kiss and hold my hand and give me a look, ie. treat me like a girlfriend. I couldn't imagine us any other way. I can't handle having him see me, and simply walk past, or politely ask how am I and what I'm up to. What's also heart-breaking is that he seems like he's not even bothered. Isn't he even a little upset about not having me as more than a friend anymore? Do you think he'll ever change his mind? Will I really be alone on Valentines Day? I'm sorry I like wrote and essay, but I really need people's advice, it really means so much to me. Thank you xxx