Ellee1

Well put- I TOTALLY agree w/brando's lovechild. Even though u still feel in love with her & love her, you have to rid this toxic & unhealthy B.S. from your life. Only a few months of pain and you will be over it. I know it's hard to face it, but whenever you are ready, you'll be ready.

Yes, it helps! Makes me feel like I am not the only one putting my pent up energy into something else (I've been working out a lot)- but I feel like it's not really for myself, it's motivation for "us". But if that's all I have to go on right now.... who cares WHY I'm working out! (I know psychologically that's messed up). Anyway, yes, I know- he HATES to be nagged. I don't contact him. On AIM a couple days ago, and told me he thinks it's best if we don't talk anymore (for now) because it makes it hard for him to meet people that way b/c he still feels attached to me. So I said "Ok, I understand. Let me know when you're ready to talk." and he thanked me for being understanding and nice, and then we said bye. I cried that night a lot because I know when he says something, he does it. He isn't going to be dropping me little e-mails anymore. But I'll get thru it. We haven't been talking much anyway. I'm already doing pretty good. I guess my main hardship is the long wait. Just waiting. Not knowing what he's doing, if he thinks he wants to be with me, (after he experiences other girls)- but all I can do is wait. And that's not to say that I'm not gonna start something up w/someone if I meet someone (fat chance, though). I wouldn't put my life on hold like that. But my lingering question is does it take guys longer to realize things- do they need more space & time. I'll give him all the time & space he needs. Just hope he comes back to me one day (before 2 yrs.).

OMG- that is sooooo true! I was going thru a break up before this one, and I was always crying to the person "I just feel so.... this way and that way.... and I just don't know what to do!" And they were like "Why do you have to do anything?!" Because I always believe I should/can solve everything- just like you're saying. I also agree w/ a lot of your other points. SOOOOOOO true. All of it! It sucks trying to live with what's real - sometimes life can be wonderful, sometimes boring and ordinary! And during those times, that's when you have to rely upon yourself and your own strength to entertain yourself and create your own fun (which can be really hard sometimes!) Sometimes it's easy to blame everythign on "that's boring." In reality, sometimes you have to say "Who's boring?!" Hee hee- Sometimes it's not easy to put one foot in front of the other and try to make your day worth while. Especially when we go thru things like this. But we all gotta try to keep on truckin', I guess!

So nobody has any suggestions or opinions? Thanks,

dinopq: I just want to say that this must have been so painful for you and I am so sorry that happened to you. I am assuming she just didn't think it would/want it to work anymore for some reason you don't know, and was too cowardly to face you and confront everything. Probably avoiding feelings of guilt, she was probably feeling enough of her own hurt for giving up the relationship and she didn't want to take yours on, too. I think it is terrible what she did to you. If you feel the need to break up a 3-yr. relationship, I absolutely feel you owe it to that person to at least give them closure. Please try to continue to heal and you will be ok. You have already endured so much- more than a lot of people could take- and I think it's excellent that you have sought help for yourself. Please take care.

I cheated on him, I'm sure he's angry with me. We still loved each other at the end, but I really hurt him. After he gained back some of his dignity, he didn't really want anything to do w/me & I don't blame him.

I cheated on him, I think he's angry with me. We still loved each other at the end, but I did some crappy things to him b/c I was stupid.

Ashland71, that was a really nice reply- thanks! Coming from someone who is older than me and has kids (yikes- that scares me!), it makes me feel complimented or something! Anyway, I wanted to mention that at first, don't think I didn't have a lot of anger, and I felt a lot of betrayal! Because I did. I had the whole "If you don't know you want to be with me, then the hell with you" attitude goin' on, but I realized I was going thru the anger stages of greiving (still do sometimes!), and realized how much he means to me. I also read on here about so many people that ruined their chances of getting back together because of bitterness, revenge, and pressuring the person. Believe me, it is VERY hard to sit by and think about it! (my first post was "Can't get rid of 'visions of him being with other girls' out of my head") Ah!!!! Anyway, thanks.

Hi... I'm posting this question to mostly all guys out there. I'm wondering, do you think it typically takes guys longer than girls to realize what they want? My ex-BF & I were together for a little over 3 yrs. He's going to be a jr. in college. I am 9 yrs. older than him. I've been there, done that. He's NEVER had a GF before me. Basically, this whole thing of "I want to see what other people are like" came up & has become an issue in our relationship. I kept telling him "maybe we should take a break", etc., & he always said no, he didn't want to risk losing me, & that he can live with that curiosity or learn how to get thru it rather than risk losing me. So basically, it got to the point where his feelings of "other people" wouldn't stop haunting him, & we had to break-up. He's ur typical 'sensitive male'. Sooooo loving & caring, treated me with such respect, such a gentleman, always wrote me sweet e-mails, always seemed SO happy to talk to me on the phone each and every day-even after 3 years! He would NEVER hurt me (on purpose) or cheat on me, he cried the night we broke up & stayed with me to make sure I was ok, etc. (I just want u to get a picture of "who he is"). He's different. He's the REAL thing. He has a really good heart. He wanted quality time w/me- he's an amazing person. I know want to be w/him forever. But he said these thoughts just wouldn't get out of his head, and wouldn't stop nagging at him, & it was beginning to interfere w/our relationship. He said he wanted a break, so he could come back & know for sure & forever that I was the one he REALLY wanted to be with. He kept saying "I know I'm stupid for doing this, but I don't have a past. I have to see what's out there or I'll regret it for the rest of my life. And I am at the age to do that." So it's been just over 2 weeks since the break-up. We've had minimal contact, but we were best friends, & we had an amazing bond. So we just couldn't drop out of each other's lives. We're both very mature people (even at his age- that's why I was able to be with him even thou he is so young). We've talked over AIM, & he asks me how I'm doing & feeling, & says he has good & bad days, but he's getting thru it. Sends me a couple e-mails & says he's just writing to see how I'm doing, and he's worried about me & wanted to make sure I was doing ok. I think it's very hard for both of us to have this contact, because it makes both of us feel the pain & feel the love that is still there between us. But we are doing ok with it, getting thru the hurt & the pain, being very civil & respectful toward each other. Well, I'm a girl, so of course I had some weak moments of pressuring him, breaking down, asking him if I was still "in the picture." He said yes, & he just needs time to figure out what's going to happen & get out there & meet some new people. Ok- I'm FULLY aware that he could meet someone else & be happy w/them. And I'm prepared for that (well, on the surface I am- but when it happens it'll be harder), but this is what I think- (and I have a master's degree in psy., so I tend to kinda analyze things- can ya tell?!)- He feels like he might be missing out on something. He sees fresh faces, & thinks that "other girls" are different. I think it might be an illusion. The grass is always greener...... I know the feelings he's having- I broke up w/my first BF for this same reason. I was away at school & met a "better guy" (wasn't, though!)- he was 'cool' because he was there w/me at college & we both lived in the dorms, etc., and then there was Chris- at home. Completely dedicated to me, amazing BF in every way- totally regretted it later. But I was stupid. I had never been w/anyone else. Same story. Here's the question (finally!)- Basically, since we're still acting very decent & respectful of each other's space, have minimal contact, & I am not pressuring him, do u think he might realize that he wants to be with me after he "sees" other girls? I'm SO proud of myself for not taking on the role of psycho ex-GF. I don't think he could ever find anything as amazing as what we had together. I know I am being a bit naïve here, & anybody can fall in love with anybody if the right ingredients are there- if they have the same interests & care about each other, etc., however, if u knew us, u would understand. We love(d) each other SO much. He just doesn't have a past! Oh- I forgot- he also wrote me an e-mail about a 10 days ago saying "those girls are going to have some really hard competition because they're going to have to live up to ur standards." I know he knows what he had. He even said to me on AIM "I know u have qualities about u that no other person has or could give me." And I wouldn't have this any other way. I believe that if there's a gut feeling there that he has to get out & experience things, than he has to do so. We would never have been truly happy if he didn't do this. He said he may even have started to resent me if we got married & I was the only one he had ever been with. I understand that. I fully agree with that. I just wish I could look into a crystal ball & find out if he's going to come back! Even though on the surface I'm being very contained & not calling/e-mailing him, u don't know how bad I want to, & how hard it is for me not to. But I know enough not to mess this up. He is the most impt. thing I've had in my life ever, and I don't want to increase my chances of losing him. I've been crying A LOT lately, and it is so hard for me knowing how much I love him & what we had is gone for now & possibly forever. I know he'll have to date a few girls- maybe even have long-term relationship(s), but in the end, if he feels he wants to be with me, I told him not to hesitate & contact me. I know that might sound desperate to an outside person, but we trust each other enough to be vulnerable like that in front of each other. He knows that I could live without him if I needed to (and might have to). He knows that if I was happy with someone and started a life w/someone else that I wouldn't stop my life in its course & drop everything for him. But what if I happen to still be single? He knows that I'm mature enough to possibly get over the "other girl" thing after it has happened, (it will be hard though) so that we can be happy forever. So sorry this post is sooooo long, & I know u guys can't predict the future. Especially the future of somebody u don't know. I guess I'm just trying to find out if sometimes a guy's grieving process is longer, or maybe it takes them longer to realize what they want. I see a lot of posts on here of GUYS wanting their girl back, but it's too late, etc., and I find that kind of odd because I would think it would be the other way around (?). I think sometimes guys have a hard time communicating their feelings to the other person, or they leave their feelings all bottled up inside, and by the time they realize what they want or what they really lost out on, they think it's too late & might have too much pride to contact the person. (Maybe I'm way off here?!) Thanks for any replies.

Hey- wait a minute! Don't be so insensitive, RobzGr8! What's the big idea coming into our (women's) forum anyway?! No, but seriously- it's only been 2 months. Her feelings are very fragile and you come on here saying "*beep* and *beep*...." in reference to what she's done and what is getting done to her. That is terrible. You don't know her. You don't know her situation. I'm sure it was very hard and humiliating for her to come on her and admit that she called the current GF. She feels like enough of a fool already, and then you go and verbally abuse her?! All of the stuff you said to her could have been said much kinder, and you probably would have more of an effect on her that way, anyway! kaligrl22, as for you, I know what you must feel like. I definitely say for now, you need to gain control of who you were before him. You had an identity before him. Hold onto that for dear life. That's what I'm doing. Trying to remember that I wasn't "dying" before I met him! I hang around at my Mom's a lot (where I grew up), because it brings me comfort and serentiy and makes me feel like I have a place in the world. A lot of people have moved out of state (like you), and I imagine it's hard being all alone. Try to surround yourself by supporters, I don't know if you have any friends/family that are there for u back home. But if you can, move back home and start over. Gain control of YOU. You will survive, you will come out better because of it. Your head is spinning. Make it stop. Stop the drama and help yourself here.

Hey RNAZ: I am a 29 yr. old woman (FYI), and I don't really think "the truth" comes out when you drink. Yes, I think it makes you more emotional and could give you courage to say things you might not normally say, but it doesn't necessarily mean it is completely how you feel. (At least in my case). When I was younger, I would sometimes call ex-boyfriends in a drunken state- it was ridiculous! The next morning I was like "OMG- I don't want that!" Or whatever. Yes, she probably has feelings for you (obviously!), but the alcohol just probably gave her the nerve to do and say what she knows in a rational state "shouldn't" happen (according to her). I know what I'm saying seems a little contradictory, but I can't exactly explain what I mean. I guess it brings out emotions and "drama", but does not necessarily represent our rational thoughts and feelings. Hope it helps a little (?)

I agree with Nina. Even though she hurt you and originally broke it off, if you really love her, you will give her the time and space she needs. It is sooooo hard. I know. I am going thru the same feelings. My BF wants "a break". Whatever! J/K- (I'm just sick of hearing myself!). Anyway, I learned that giving him space has produced a couple out-of-the-blue really nice emails, just to let me know he is thinking about me and wants to make sure I am doing ok. I treasure those e-mails like you wouldn't believe, and they allow me to know that we may have a chance in the future. And no matter how hard it gets, I know it's because I am ignoring my impulses to call or write; because I'm doing the right thing by allowing him to figure things out. And that is because of the deep love I feel for him and think we really have something. If he doesn't come back, I know that I will always have a place for him in my heart, but for some reason we just weren't meant to be together forever. But the only thing that can determine that is time. I think that if you were meant to be together, then sooner or later (unfortunately possibly the latter since u guys r pretty young and b/c of the distance), she will realize she loves you and wants to be with you. For now, feel happy in your heart that she still thinks of you everyday and that you are still VERY important to her. That is so much to go on. That's what I do, b/c I know Pete thinks about me everyday, and he is having just as much of a hard time as I am. (long story). Think of what it could be and how many people on this board are struggling to get out of bed each day because their ex just decided "that was it". And no more contact. That's it. Be grateful that she still cares, and feel blessed that there still is a major possibility there. Because there is. But you need to go on living for you, and she will detect that confidence and that helps a lot, too. (See how she called you after you stopped with the phone calls, poetry, etc.?) It is so hard to go on living "for you". Believe me, I know. I struggle with it everyday. But you have to believe in your heart that you are worth her coming back to, and if you guys were meant to be together she will. Time sucks! But it works wonders.

sola74: Hey... IMO, I don't think you should contact him. Even though you have taken the high road and forgiven him (the right thing to do for yourself so you don't hold onto anger), what he did to you was deceitful and complete betrayal. I know you still think of him, I did too when I broke up with my fiance in college. And I made the mistake of calling him, as so many others do, and we had sex for a while, he was completely using me and didn't want to talk to me on the phone, basically wanted nothing to do with me unless it was after the bars! Of course I don't know anything about your particular situation, but I do know a bit about the dynamics of relationships, and EVERYONE looks back. Sometimes it is just best to take the positive with you and move on. It is normal to be thinking how you are, I have been there. But I think you'll feel a lot better about yourself if you let these thoughts pass. However, if after some time, you absolutely cannot rid yourself of feelings in your heart and soul that he is the person you are supposed to be with, then I guess you could take the risk of contacting him. But please be prepared for the unexpected (current GF, living a different life, just wants to be friends, etc.), and try not to let it hurt your pride or dignity if something like that does happen. I am not bitter, I just think that you can always find someone out there who is better. I have been thru 4 painful break-ups, and I always thought my life was over after each one of them. I really think so now, because my break up is very fresh (2 weeks), I am a lot older now (29), and thought he was REALLY the one. But I know that if he does not come back to me (we sort of "took a break"), then I will find somebody out there that I was supposed to be with. And so will you.

Hi solstice48, The feelings you are having are ABSOLUTELY normal. Although my break up is very fresh (2 weeks), & I probably shouldn't think of the good times yet anyway, I push them away. It is too soon. They only bring hurt and sadness like you said. I don't know when your break-up occurred, but I think what you have read suggesting that, did in fact mean when you were ready to do so. When you have come to the stage in your healing process where it does not hurt so much anymore to look back. At some point, you will be able to look back at it as a wonderful time in your life and know that it enriched your life and brought you to the place where you will be at that time. You will realize that it is something positive, not negative, and treasure it and keep it close to your heart forever. This is my 4th break up from "long-term" relationships. I took something positive with me from each one. When I look back at Chris (my first BF), I smile. We were young, and had so much fun together. But for dumb reasons (immaturity!), it did not work out. I look back at my second long term BF, (broken engagement), and that one is a little bit tougher to remember the good memories, but they are there. I remember how much I loved him and how close we were and the special bond that was there. I take the good with me and leave the bad. My 3rd long term relationship, I learned so much about myself and the world. But it wasn't meant to be. This current break-up I am going through, I am unable to do that yet. I would say it took me about a year for me to be able to do that. Now that it's been 9 yrs. since Chris, I don't remember anything negative!!! So to answer your question, IMO, yes, this type of thinking is supposed to happen when you have a better grip on things. And you will. It just takes time. The hardest part. Hang in there, I feel for you. We are all going through the same pain. You will survive and come through a better person for it.

Hey guys... thank u so much for the support. The thing is, is that he's been away at school already for 2 yrs. out of our relationship. He comes (used to) come home every weekend. It's about an hour 1/2 away. Now, I supposed he will stay there on the weekends. He is going into his Jr. year. So I guess my point is that we've gone this long w/him being away. I am actually handling the whole thing a lot better than I thought I would, but it is just SO painful. I love him and care for him SO much and I just wish he felt like I was all he needed. But he hasn't experienced anything else, and I guess that's what he has to do. But of course I am envisioning this great relationship that he will have with some dumb girl! and then I'm history. People change and move on. Well, thanks guys. Take care. We all need to stay strong!

Hi guys...Well, my story is very long & of course complex. My BF & I have been together for 3 yrs. and he has NEVER been with anyone else. The biggest problem is that he is 19 (soon to be 20) & I am 29. I knew that someday this might get in the way. He feels that he wants to experience what else is out there. In the past, he has said he doesn't want to risk losing me. The story might sound kind of crazy to an outside person, because u might tell me to just move on if he wants to see other people, but I luv him SO much, & feel like we r supposed 2 B together. He is special. He is different than anyone I've ever been with. He's a keeper. He treats me SO well. It's just that I wish he had a past! So originally, he wanted to just see what was out there, prove to himself he wanted to be with me overall, and then come back. Well, he wrote me an e-mail 5 days ago that kinda said a different story. Since then, he has now said that he doesn't know what the future will hold because he was thinking, & it would not be "fair" to the other person to start something up, going in with the mindset that he is just going to leave her for me someday. So, the plan was to give it 8-10 months since he has NEVER been with anyone & is very shy. It is going to take him a really long time to meet someone. He is really cute, and a lot of girls come on to him , but he doesn't really know how to act. So this is going to take a while. But I'm sure he'll learn real quick! Anyway, I feel like a complete fool, like he is beginning to withdraw from me, & like it's getting easier for him. We finally left it, that he would just contact me if & when he was "ready". Another part of the problem is that I am overweight. He is not. He is very athletic & that is one thing that has been an issue in our relationship. I've fluctuated up & down (like I have my whole life), trying to lose weight for mine & our happiness, but it is really hard since I eat to cover up my emotions (I think). Anyway, the main point of my post, is that I keep envisioning these young 19-20 yr. old girls "being" with him. It makes me sick- because of course my mind travels to the worst places. I think about them kissing, about him sharing things with some "great girl", etc. It is torture. I am trying not to envision these things, but they just come up. It's like I am torturing myself. I keep thinking about him falling in love with some cute girl or whatever- & I feel like I am not even in the picture anymore. Oh..I didn't mention yet that he is away at school, making this even harder. He has NEVER cheated on me (I know him inside & out). But he is away at college, where there are girls galore. I just feel like he might not ever come back. I love him so much and I know I just need to let him go. He still says he might want us to be together ultimately, & would never be afraid to call me/contact me down the line. But I am 29 yrs. old & have been in 4 long-term relationships, & I know how these things work. People never talk again. But I never thought this would happen with him. Not him. Thanks guys for reading, I know it was a storybook. Any words of wisdom would make my day(s) easier.[/b]