Skippy

i suppose only 4 words comes to mind. Total trust, total faith. IMO, balance, independence, give, receive, support are just words that sit on Trust. So my theory is this, if you can trust yourself and the person you are with, you are in a balanced relationship, otherwise you aren't. It takes time to build that trust so thus you are in a unbalanced relationship until you find the person that you can trust.

What an odd question to ask and especialy at such an odd time. Why are you be asking this question? what is there to figure out?? to stay together because you might not find a date?? huh.?? (sorry i might sound judgement here but i have to say what an odd question and such an odd time) Anyway, been there done that, only thing i can say is this, you are right, it will limit your potenial suitors substancially. Dated someone with bagguage and i wasnt ready for it. If you think that life is going to be the same as when u didnt have bagguage i going to tell you to wake up. You will have to look out for 3 kinds of people to date in this situation: 1. Users/ abusers (plentiful) 2. someone that is/"has been" in the same situation and understand what you are going thru. (when means they have their own issues) 3. Really understanding and open minded people (rare) So put it simply, you are going to have it tough, but life is funny, sometimes something good just comes along to people in a tough situations and your whole life is changed forever. I dont think that this is a issue that you should be worried about right now IF you are a responsible guy. Your child should be the number one priority, NOT dating. but that is my opinion

As everyone says .. Stay away!! The way to get over it is NC. Dont meet, don't see, dont hear and Don't talk!! See no evil, hear no evil, say no evil!! cause no evil. Think of it this way, if you get into it, you are the evil one!! b'coz you are hurting a marriage and a child. Avoid seeing him physically hiim at all cost!! but you can have fantasies of him. fantasies are fantasies as long as they remain there.

thank karibo, i suppose i forget at times that it isnt fair to make a decision for someone else especailly in a relationship. I somehow have to shake this insecurity thing off. One question though, hav you ever thought that sometimes it s your actions or reactions to certain situations that causes guys to think that you dont love them?? Are you the exxpressive type? or are the guys that are with youmore expressive.

wildchild, how are you doing?

wildchild .... YEAH...hahah,, still remember me huh things has progressed. Isn't funny, people find it easier to say YOU YOU YOU, it si so hard to say it is ME as it means that i have to tear myself apart to find out my beliefs, faults as well as strenghts. So hard to not lie to yourself and tell the truth to yourself

thanks all for your suggestions and replies. i believe that am putting alot of effort in this relationship, i am the more emotionally expressive by nature. I would do most anything for her as long as it doesnt go against my principles. She hasnt and will never ask me to go aginst my principle as her principle level are the same as mine if not higher. She is a wonderful person, driven, organised, well rounded personally beautiful etc. for me i have my faults, somewhat not as driven as her, in my life i look for love as a priority and careera second. (kind of opposite to her.) Don;t mistake me, i believe i am not a bum, i am passionate about my work but i am more passonate about the love and having someone that i care about i my life. I can survive without someone quite easily but i8 think i am a romantic.. maybe, I feel frustrated with myself that i may not be able to give her what she wants in her life now and in the future. I disappointed her by not doing the simpliest of things properly, but to be honest in all reality i am secretly disappointed with myself, but being responisible for myself is easier to handle then being reasonsible for dissappointing myself and her. IS that a losers attitude?? Maybe..... i am trying to stop this habit of being unorganised. It will take time, (not something that stops over night) and to know that i will disappoint ehr along the way hurts me. Basically, i dont want to hurt her and i know that along the way of changing my Habit i WILL disappoint her. IT is a heavy weight on my shoulders to know that i will disappoint someone i care and love so much. Yes, i suppose i now realise that being unorgainsed is a habit, an addition. xblondyx u might be right there. high expectation and low self esteme, last year effected me very badly, but that is another story. The question is, i know she is a good thing in my life. she fills it, rounds it, she makes it a happier place. i dont want to disappoint her, i dont want to be the one might cast a shadow in her life and her memories. I suppose after yakking on like this, i have realised one thing, "do i want to be responsible for the outcome of this relationship??"..If i want to make a change in my life about being organised and look to the future , i have to accept this responsibility as part of the process, i hope she is willing to hang in there with me. THis whole topic is quite silly in all reality, but but logic and emotions dont always go hand in hand. Its hard. As for you ladies out there that has had relationships end because of the "you are too good for me", i hope this has helped. Basically, if you dont get it, put simply. "I dont think i am good enough for you, me and and the relatrionship at the moment. For it to work there has to changes in my life. It will take time and it will cause pain, sometimes alot of pain and i dont want to be responisible to the pain i WILL inflict on you. So i have a choice, to preserve the good times and momories or i risk losing all, momeries and good friend and my ego. (having someone think you are a f!@k up is not a good feeling especially when you love them) It is a really heavy burden to carry though one's life. SO i weight it, either way, I (myself) choose to change but i risk disappointing her now or later, so it comes down to the strenght of the relationship. Hope our feelings for one another is strong enough. I hope this has helped you guys as much as it has helped me.

OK, logically it is such a stupid comment, why would i possible want to end something that is good in my life. really..why?? because in am not good enough for her. becuase i keep disappointing her. I try my best but i keep on falling short. I hate disappointing her, i know that after disappointing anyone enough time they would want to walk away. It upsets me when i just don't meet the expectations. No the expectations are not high, it is just that i am a layed back person, and i dont know how to plan and organise very well. i work hard , but my planning sucks!.. So, baack to where i am, i am thinking of ending it because the relationship is still in a good condition, it sometimes rocky but we enjoy each other very much. I want to end it on a high note. SHe is very important to me and i dont want to end this relationsip with anger or hate or extreme disspointment. IN other words her being disspointed with me, i would like her and i to look back in time as say that we had such a get time together and not trey to forget that we every knew each other. I am angry and frustrated with myself and even disappointed that, at one hand i have the best thing i ever wanted in my life but i fear i would dissaopint her and on the other hand i want to end it because i will disaapoint her. And no i havent done anything majority stupid, it is just that i am dis-organised by nature that may wreck this relationship. Your opinions Please

Y do ppl talk about being independent when they are in a relationship?? Isnt it just stupid?? arent these 2 things mutially exclusive? it is like saying, "it is hot but it is cold." What i am getting at is this, being in a relationship means that u are not independent, it means that there are 2 ppl in any decisions that are being made. U cannot have both as it just weakens the relationship. Being in a relationship means that u are commited to the relationship, thus you have choosen give up being independent. This doesnt mean that u give up who you are, that is totally different. Who you are "personality wise" is who you are, it is callled character and has nothing to do with being independent. I suppose what i am getting at is this, if you choose to be in a relationship you choose to give up independence but u should not give up who you are or should i say your character. I maybe wrong, but your opinons are appreciated.

In todays world the word independence is often used to a boastful manner, whilst being dependent is frowned upon especailly in the western society. My question is this, what ever is wrong with being dependent on someone, your partner Being dependent on your partner doesnt mean that it is wrong. Needing your partner isnt wrong. from my opinion it feels good to be depended upon. To know that i have the responcibility to look after me partner and my relationship. It reminds me of the things that are important in my life. I enjoy the fact that i depend on my partner to do things for me. It is a joy to be catered for. THis give and take relationship is the most forfilling as it enriches us and teaches us the meaning of love and trust and not just 'being in LOVE' but to actually love. Modern society especially western influences have warped our perception about what love is all about. The truth is being dependented on one another and choosing to be a team is a good thing. We only choose to be INDEPENDENT whilst in a relationship because we dont trust that the relationship will work out. Many a times have i heard ppl say that u have to be independent so if it doesnt work out it doesnt affect to so much or you dont put all of yourself in the relationship because things can change in the future. However are relationships going to work if you dont put your all? to give all you have and have trust that your partner will do the same, and if they dont, it is time to move on. Giving your all and being dependent on one another is the only way to quickly fgure out if the person is right for you. if you remain independent from the very start of the relationship it will just take longer to figure things out and the inevitable will be DIVORCE. THat is my opinion and i am sticking to it.

RRRRREEEESSSPPPEEEECCTT i believe in that. unfortunately the more then 50% doesnt or have no idea.

y do i hear that all the time about doing psychology!!! Seriously i think this is a serious problem that i have to solve. i sometime catch myself analysing things like y cement is cured and the ratios and y the strenght of concrete is strong on certain mix. I then try to work out y the decided to mi it that way, about the load factor that the road will encounter and that the concrete should or should not handle the load..... I mean it is really sick. I even sat down and calculated the smoke stack are built that way, the hiight and yso little steam come out from them, the way they cool the strram thru piped watter. Help

Hi all, Here is my problem, i bloody analyze everythings, especially other peoples relationship!! i cant stop.. it is irritating, it is distroying myrelationsihip. I want to stop but i am having problems where to start... it is like filling too much head space... !!! ADVICE PLS!!!!!!

annie24.. The answer to that is long enough!! I was told by a female friend that i have to give her room to let her reach... u see.... if you are the one that keeps msging her, calling her at work and after work there is no use in her calling and giving you that attention. You have ALREADY spoilt her because all her NEEDS are met and she doesnt have to GIVE. so the advice is to give you both a little space. Move back and let her miss you and reach for you. It isnt about a "game" it is about self control and human nature. AND if you call all the time there is nothig to really talk about later thus the conversation gets boring and she/he doesnt want to talk. It is about letting situations during the day happen in each others life so at the end of the day there is something to share. It isnt about space (thought it can be) and it is not about independence (for my case) i think it is about having nothing to talk about or work for if every little thing has already been shared by the end of the day. She has everything she wants, attention, care etc, she doesnt have to work for it. I have spoilt her, so in the end i have realised that i have created the situaton that i am in, it isnt her fault, i hasnt been her fault all along, like she said..... 'there isnt a problem with the relationship' (from her perspective) and she is right. So i was told to pull back a little... call less, sms less, (NO IM or ICQ, for 2 weeks) BUT explain that u will be busy for 2 weeks and see what happens. Always answer her calls HAPPY, always answer SMS happy and promptly, (so she knows that u are happy to SEE and Hear her), keep our major routines like call before bedtime but keep it short and warm and say that u are sleepy(even though you arent) it will create a need for her to want more from u and thus she will make more attempts and show more cos she wants more. It is a form of conditioning. BUT BEWARE, it can also back fire!!! U make the DECISION and U take your risk! Now to question is.. am i so afraid to lose her that i am 'bugging' her all the time? AND Am i willing to lose the relationship if i decide to give the relationship the room to REACH. As for all our advice above i am trying it out, especailly trying to understand her personality and finding the way to 'SEE' that she cares just as much, and being patient (my weak point).

Well..i kind of agree with you there.. except that, like you, i want to Vent!. that is y there is the board..other wise i would have bought a book on self improvement... But at time reading make the bllodly thing worst... at times it makes it better.. but my opinion... u have to give it a shot. other wise u wont know if it wil help.. so read!!

Hey all, Expectation... Well, i expect her to call, i expect her to consider me as much i consider her. i expect her to do what i do for her.. Reciprocate. But in all reality, not everyone is the same. THey show love to different extent. I personally go all the way to show that i like someone, but, she on the other hand has been brought up, reserved. I get fustrated and feel rejected at times, i like her but this is driving me crazy, Does anyone hve ny ideas the solve this problem?

Hi all, I have been posting here for a short while, i am some what lost at times in my relatonships with friends, family and potenial GF's. Some advices given here are invaluable whilst some, well, i would say some lead you to the wrong direction. But what i have found is direction. I recomend reading some of the article here, they are an eye opener, they help point youin the right direction. I know, I know. you have come here to vent, but after venting and whining take the time to do someting for yourself and read some useful material that WILL help point you in the right direction instead of continuely whinging. Then and only then can you get out of your situation. Motivational books were more helpful to me then relationship fixing books, and that was for me, for you it maybe something else. BUT selfesteem is very important in a relationship. take care.

darkbue, it was a relationship that was wrong... emotional pushing and pulling, somewhere i lost myself self respect... THis pushing pulling played with my emotions till i could not take it anymore.. and affect me tremendiously. I've become a changed person. Thus emotions are terrible because i am now weak. it effect my everyday life and i hvae become negative with it. Somehow i am gong to have to shut it off or i will become a tragic case.

shademan.... please tell me your point.....

Hi All, OK, 2yrs ago before i meet my ex i had total control of my emotions. You can come screaming at me and i would be bat and eye and would not twitch, i was in control. THen my ex came in, somehow she opened my emotional side, and when i said opened, i mean opened. All of a sudden i could write peoms and stories like you wouldnt believe it and it was good. Surprizingly i won a few prizes along the way. But this relationship wasnt healthy because i couldnt control it, i mean i couldnt shut it off ( and let me tell you i tried and have been trying since), OK so my question, I want to shut it off, it is killing me, all the past pains and memories are effecting me terribly. I feel insecure, i feel unstable, i feel LOST!.... and let me tell you that it isnt attrractive to the opposte sex!... although i can shoot a peom out from no where, in the long run my insecurites just totally takes over. NOT good... i want my old self back... i want NOT to "feel" so much, not to be sooo damn sensitive!!!.. Sometimes my hands are shaking, i cant retain my composure. It is destroying my relationships. It is destrpoying my hairline!!... HELP ME! PPPPLLLLLEEEEAAAASSSEE!!!

Thanks all for the replys.... it has helped me see things i different light. My other questions is this.... Has i made you fearful and mistrusting of relationships... that fact that that someone can always just walk away so easily? that there is no use with getting into a relationship because... well ... it can just end so quickly even after a long time?? How did you get over the Hurdles??? And please more replies, i really need to understand this. thanks

My question is for women after having a long relationhip that has ended .. What happened to your perspective on relationships? Did you give up on the idea of "Choosing the one"? or did you go on with life and have an attitude that live for the moment and not look for the future during your new relationship?? Basically, what changed after the long relationship in you view about long term relationship? What did you say to yourself that u would not do? Did u stop looking into the future with your new boyfriend? or did you just live it day by day? Did you know that by doing that i creates insecurity in the relationship? was the "new" relationship better because if the change in attitude.?/ I suppose i ask these questions because i am now in a relationship with someone that has come out of a long term relaionship. It seems to me that illussion of being together forever is blown into Smithereens and is replaced by the fact that the future and feelings can change in a blink of an eye. The difficulty is, i still have the illusion of being with someone for the rest of my life, and my partner has an attitude that says... "things can change and i cannot and will not promise anything."..... For me, being in love and choosing that someone is a choice, and it is possible to choose someone for life... For my new partner, well i have the impression that it is not about choice, it is about "if something happens",, IT make me scared.. it makes me inseure... it makes me doubt the relationship. Am i the one that has the whole thing whole? am i the one that live in a fantasy world. There is a qoute somewhere that says, embrass change and you will grow... ipersonally dont know if i can handle this qoute and not knowing if my relationship with the person i want to be with has an attitude that is not about choice. Has it made you fearful and mistrusting of relationships... that fact that that someone can always just walk away so easily? that there is no use with getting into a relationship because... well ... it can just end so quickly even after a long time?? How did you get over the Hurdles??? And please more replies, i really need to understand this. thanks BTW... please state how long your relationship was. thanks

i think i didnt expalin well enough.. My girlfriend is on the pill... she delayed her period using the pill for 2 weeks and we did have safe sex with a condom during this time.... now she is having her period with terrible headaches not feeling well..... She has heard that u can be pregnant and still have your period. IS that true?

Hi All My question is this... can a woman get pregnant whilst she is on the pill? can she be pregnant and having a period at the same time whilst on the pill?

Hi All, Just wondering, How do i slow myself down in relationship. I am in this relationship and i was told that i am moving tooo fast Emotionally. How do one slow oneself down?? I am serious about this question. I am moving too fast and i think i am frightening the other one away, and i dont want to do that HELP. Suggestions pls