salmonhead_uk

I won't don't worry. Even the romantic notions I thought of at the beginning - he might turn up at work with a bunch of flowers and say sorry/he might come over and have lost a stone and wish he hadn't hurt me...yada yada yada - even those don't hold up anymore. I'd feel awkward and angry to see him. I don't have ANY contact with him and have forced myself to just think exactly what anyone outside of the situation would think - what a cruel loser. So, just to update you on the fact that I went out - didn't drink too much, danced about with friends, flirted some with the cute bartender who invited me back to his (I didn't but in some warped way it was nice), laughed, cried for about 30 mins in the toilet, which i knew would happen. But not once did i think about calling him or anything like that. I don't need his support over something he did, and i don't need him around to be smiling - says it all! Thanks for replying to me for being such a weirdo...probably sounded like the next step is stalking...I'm not as messed up as it possibly seemed!!!! Oh, and I got a medal and a 31min score for a womans charity run I did today...from smoker of 20 a day to super jogger!!!

Thanks. As for the phone stuff, it's a toughie. If you ignore it it'll play on your mind, and if you are rude she'll only end up calling you again but in a worse state and you might be blamed. However it is totally unacceptable for her to make the rules such that she gets to call when ever she needs a pick me up or an ego boost, but that you're expected to stay clear of calling her. Very unfair. It may take preparation depending on how strong you can be (if like me you would get easily side-tracked still wanting to 'save' the one you thought you loved and she knows how to manipulate that). So, work out what you are going to say, tell her you don't want her to call anymore as it is not healthy for either of you, say (even if it's a lie) that you feel the decision to break up was a good call as nothing happy and healthy can come from what you had. Say you need to get along with other things in life and for as long as it takes that means you don't want to see or hear from her. After that maybe change your number. It sounds drastic, to cut someone off like that but it'll just whirl round and round your head otherwise. I had offers of friendship and I'd get a call when he was on lunch or otherwise bored, but if tried to call him he'd be distant and annoyed I'd interrupted his time. It's only since making it so there is NO possible way he could contact me ( i guess he could come here or call the house but he wouldn't be brave enough) that I have been able to smile more, analyse it all less, sleep better, and just move on like i should. Thing is, I don't want you to think that you have to do this. My method isn't exactly the proscribed and only way...you know what's right for you at this stage -- it took me 3 weeks of embarrassing texts and letters and calls to his work to try and sort it out that i realised with stuff as messed up as this it can't be starched into any kind of relationship. Without the label of boyfriend and girlfriend we couldnt just be friends as we truly had nothing in common. But you two might be different. All i know is that A LOT of people gave me A LOT of advice about the breaking up business, and like all confused heartbroken people i ignored it and made the mistakes that will now enable me to advise others what hurts and what doesnt. I promise that a prolonged friendship/limbo that is controlled by the very person that dumped you is not a good thing for you. Anyways, hope you are doing okay. I'm totally emotionally and physically pooped today - hope that all made sense or at least that you can get something out of it. Take care xx

Only been 2 months to those who obv now think I'm insane! 2 months since broke up...2 years together! Or did I miss understand... But yes you are all perfectly correct, and I knew I was being a silly - but you know when you do silly things like that and you have to tell someone so thought I'd tell you guys! I dunno, I'm really happy - just peeved at myself...doing that sort of thinking is like stopping smoking and then just having one to see if it's worked!!!! So yeah, worried that everyone now thinks I'm some crazy girl who has spent 2 years worrying over someone. Maybe i am just a crazy girl anyway! And yeah, anniversarys and stuff - crikey if we did the anniversary of EVERYTHING or everyone we ever knew doing something upsetting we'd end up using up plenty of dates wouldn't we... Just thought I'd share my embarrassment and slight humour at what id done!

Oh for GOD SAKE!!!!!!!! Just for some unknown reason thought I'd test Google with my exs name...low and behold he is on there...for some site I won't divulge too much...with pictures and everything.... I cleared any pics of him months ago so wouldn't have to see him and there he was on my computer. Im such an idiot. I just stared and stared and stared..what did i think that would do exactly????? Maybe I might see something in the pictures about why he's gone and become a total "£$%^&&^???? Who knows. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr! It would have been our 2nd year anniversary today. That's why I'm doing this. So stupid. What's worse is I can pinpoint that those pics were taken only a couple of weeks before he cheated on me. So when I look at his face I see hers all over it. Goodness sake....I'm such a bitter B*&(^! Sorry all - rant done. Own fault. Leaving mobile at home tonight in case the alcohol affects my senses (yes i deleted his number and yes I still remember it off by heart)!

Hey, Gee, he sounds like someone I have now chosen to walk away from. I can see how hard it is. I know how bad it is. They take so much away from you that you only dependent on them and then when you're outside of it you feel the bitter resentment that one person could push you that low, could argue nonsensically so that you were twisted up in words and uncertain who was right... The body image thing I had/have too. Its 2 months since this guy (who I saw for 2 years - my fault, I was depressed and he used this to lay the blame at my feet for everything) left me...left ME cos HE cheated...and that made ME an argumentative person???!?! hmmm, well since then I'm happier with who I am. I don't get someone randomly saying in a 'playfight' "Shut up Tubby"...i remember that that killed me. How could he? Knowing that was one of the biggest causes of my misery. So, there is no excuse for these people. There is just one way to go on thinking about it - thank god it's done, it's not my life NOW, it's time to shape the world as I want. Yeah books are safer, but think of the fantastic authors who write them, who have experienced enough to hit you at the core and proscribe a world for you to live in in your mind...be like them, escape your current world by making THIS REAL world different and more as you'd like it to be. Write for yourself - your post alone shows a certain way with words and intellectualism, create your own books. You've learnt this horrid lesson - along with the death of someone you love I assume one of the most destroying things...but you've learnt it now. Take from it what you can to make the world better for you and just let the rest drift away for as long as it takes. You'll be okay - cliched and annoying - but you will. And there is love out there in more forms and more respecting of who you are than this past boyfriend will ever realise. xx

God, it really sucks when the people you had trusted to be the most important and trust-worthy in the world are the ones who can't even manage to break it up without throwing you a few bones...it's their way of getting around the guilt but they aren't empathic enough to see that if what they say makes us broken-hearted exs long after them cos there was a slight promise of more to the future then we will do exactly that - and later resent them more. I know what you mean about waking up after dreams - I always know I'm going to suffer a bad day = relapse i like to think now - after one. We can't control them and its so annoying, but it taints my mood all day - the ones where I'm in control of flying doughnuts don't upset me in that way dammit!!!! I'm not ready I guess. Its probably a good thing - since 15 I've gone from 1 year relationship to 1 year relationship up until now...I seriously can't hack another one. I'm gonna wait for a special zing person now...however I cannot be trusted to stick to that in the throes of alcohol!!! I hope everyone is okay. Just thought to say - It should have been our 2 year anniversary today. I'd like to think he remembers - but I highly doubt it not with the amount of booze and drugs he's now into...i mean he forgot my interview 3 hours after I told him i was going there..so i dont hold much hope. I spent the day at the beach with my Mum and a friend, gonna have a nap and read and recharge for a night out at the local rock club this evening where I shall dance my pants off!!! Hang in there everyone xx

lol! sorry, didnt mean to imply that. I doubt she is. My ex still isn't (not that i should care not that i should care not that i should care)!!!! Sometimes though even that felt worse for me...i mean, he wants 'time' it isn't another person, and now he's happy...how can i compete with that - being alone is better than being with me! DAMM! Haha - but then, you can never ever tell what is going on in someone's mind. He might decide out of the blue in a day/week/month/year - gosh my ex was great why did i dump her - just as yours might. But i just don't think I can hang in there living life waiting for someone else to okay me. I thought he was THE ONE, but he wasn't and to be honest - i thought that with every past boyfriend - ppl i broke up with not the other way around. thats the beauty of love i guess, that person becomes the WORLD and perfection...it's just the picking yourself up to not wait on someone who isn't that anymore - she ain't perfect and she aint your world if she left it! Damm those horrible exs, how could they leave us?!?!?!?!!?

Hey hope you are okay. Ups and downs are annoying as HELL - but you get those even when not in a relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just down and pinning it on my ex rather than being depressed like i used to be!!! Anyway. I was going to say how brave you've been and how intelligent you are. THis is probably going to sound crazy but my ex used to drive me insane with drug taking. Until I met him I'd never seen or used drugs. Ever. Hated it, hated the idea of it. I met him and he would take pills, pot daily, drink up to 9 pints on a work night, cocaine, everything. It was horrific. I asked him not to. Now i realise he never actually stopped. We would go out (and I had been diagnosed with depression so was taking tablets for it, not drinking, obviously dead against drugs - but I'd go out and push myself to be socialable) and he'd disappear to the toilet for ages. I was so dense. I used to ask him if he'd been sick! I remember leaving one day because all his friends were chatting about pot, they were all high on coke i think, and it bored the hell outta me. I left and cried in my car for ages - decided it was my fault as i was a depressive and i needed to lighten up. Called him -- he'd gone out for a big night out. I thought I'd surprise him by turning up, so i did. And what did i find? He'd chewed his lip up, he had toilet paper stuck to his teeth, his eyes were red and he was sweating and hyper. I asked him if it was drugs...that was a year before we broke up. Over the year it got worse, he'd have erratic moods and manipulate me into it being my fault...its a terrible thing to allow someone to do that to you. But i figured i loved him, it wasn't my right to tell him i didn't want or like him doing the drugs. So, I guess reading your post has made me realise a lot of things. My ex was a drug addict. He didn't make a big deal out of it cos all his friends were the same. I didnt' make a big deal out of it because if I did he told me I was depressed and didn't know what I was talking about. Some sad little part of me still loves him and wishes he wasnt like that, but the major part thinks I've had a lucky escape. How could I not have seen how terrible my other half was living? I only had room for one addiction - him, he however was totally consummed by drugs. Thinking about it like that still makes me feel bad. I can't believe I blamed myself. The night he dumped me he told me he had had 7 pills the previous night, his face was white, he'd slept with a girl, unsure if he'd had sex with her...i pushed to be with him?!?!?! oh god. Sorry - long reply and totally about me, but i just wanted to say thank you. I can now see that all of this wasn't me. That as much as I crave his attention it was his lifestyle that messed with my mind. I hope you pull through and that you have a brilliant time from now on. Take care.x

Yeah, i reckon even if she doesn't respond that'll hit something. I was on msn and had a pic of myself smiling at the beach up - not even on purpose - and got a message from the ex saying 'man thats a killer' he went to explain that it was painful seeing me looking so happy and remembering how gorgeous I was!!!!! Idiot. I mean it didn't lead to anything else - i blocked him the day after - got fed up of hearing how much he loved me and how great i was but that he needed to make his own decisions...about 2 weeks after i attempted no contact i broke and sent a text and thats when he started on about the 'im happier than iv been in a long while' rubbish...good for you "£$&%&*&$%^£$%^%$&%^£$%£$^&^&$%^£%"£&%^*%£$%"%"%". haha! so yeah, it may tug heartstrings, but ultimately it is out of your control. There are definitely two sides to the NC thing - yes it helps you heal, but at the same time, if you dont want to be healing it just makes it harder! Sometimes you have to take as much as you can before you give up. I think I gave up so much of my pride I had to pull back pretty quickly before I ended up depressed. Its tough. Until I started with NC the ex was all 'i just need time for me, i do still want you, this may last 2 weeks or 2 months' after NC i guess he got to the point that he realised he didn't really want me after all and as you'll know if you've ever dumped someone - you really do feel guilt and end up trying to soften the blow by adding stuff like that in there. It may work and she'll come back. But anyone who separates themselves from you, anyone who ignores your texts, i dunno, to me that highlights a hell of a lot of selfishness on their part. I mean, if she changes her mind, yeah you'll be the happiest guy in the world for a week, but then...what if she wants more time, and what if that time allows her to find another relationship. You've gotta be careful with all this. Mainly careful with yourself. If she's gonna come back she'll do it regardless of obstacles in the way, spending too much time worrying about how to cajoul her into it won't make it more likely to happen hun. Anyways, just keep doing what your doing and eventually you'll see what you want and what you need are not always the same things...(how philosophical of me)!!!! xx

This is in reply to my 2 and a half month message...but as the issue is really about how to move on with new romances/whether I should wait a while or just throw myself in and get over it - i thought i'd put it on a separate thread. REPLY TO PREVIOUS: I'm not strong at all! For all the good stuff there are many bad. I still wander around and have this thing in my head that says - he left you...he left you...he left you..., and at night i imagine if he is in his bed thinking he's made a mistake - which is why im keeping so busy. I guess what it comes down to is that he hasn't contacted me. I don't know if girls are weaker but with my exs I always felt after a couple of months - less usually - that i'd made a mistake. But i was younger then. He however up until i fully did NC would reply to ANYTHING i text to say 'I'm much happier now'...i guess I quickly got tired of hearing him be that hurtful - probably the medicine i needed. I dont hate him, but I feel i gave up a lot of my dignity in the first month trying to be friends, then backtracking and saying to him (all via instant chat or texts) i can't do this its killing me. He never EVER had a good thing to say. The couple of times I bumped into him he would hug me and tell me I was beautiful...but aside from that it was always about how he'd had such a terrible time for 2 years - lots of ups and lots of downs. He'd treasure the memories (which confused me, treasure what he percieved as bad times)???! But after that it was total a-hole ness - his actions have proved that he doesn't care about me, and i can get that anyway from the fact he didn't care enough NOT to sleep with another girl, and rather than work it through or even apologise he dumped me. What's the point in hanging on? I am a little bit. I do miss him. But he's changed so much of what I held dear in him - what i thought was undying love/loyalty/fidelity and friendship, how could it ever work again? It wouldn't. So I have to keep pushing forwards. It doesn't even matter what he thinks about me - if I don't figure enough in his life to be treated with respect, what does it matter how he thinks of me? I should think he's very happy without me - he can drink and do drugs without having my disappointed face expecting more from him. I don't know. I'm okay. And by comparison from a month ago I'm incredible. I just...I don't want to talk about him in public so do it here...but I'm trying hard not to do it too much cos that keeps alive the feelings for him that don't apply anymore. He's not my boy, or my protector, or my support, and he did the one thing he swore he wouldn't - let him stew in it...ok - i must be a bit bitter, but i allow myself that. It's hard to imagine NOT ever going to see him again. But there would be no conversation, no jokes, and if we did I'd be waiting for another punch in the stomach comment -- he didnt' tell me about the girl he got with, she told me, and he left me at a party to go home and sleep without even apologising - who expects that after 2 years of togetherness??? incredible. so...i give up on it. Well, in my public sphere of work and socialising. Personally I'm a little worse than I give out. But not much worse. Who is he to me now? An ex..and that's where I have to make him stay - filed away under 'the past'. Anyway!!!! The only trouble I'm having is dating. I have met so many lovely people, including my ex who is just gorgeous and fun and intelligent (sad to say better in every way than the guy i dumped him for - the two timer) and he takes me out - despite being in a signed band, and being pretty busy. But i can't even bring myself to hug him. I can't get close to guys. Even my friends boyfriend, he hugged me goodbye and I panicked and flushed like I did when i was at school!!!!! So how do i get over that one? Is it my way of protecting myself? I'd sure like to be comforted and loved, or even just have fun, but I can't do it - i feel like a fragile butterfly! If I talk about romance or flirt it makes me wanna cry! I just feel like a fool, and also unattractive - which is just stupid i know. So that's where it's hit me I guess. What shall i do?!!!

I'm not strong at all! For all the good stuff there are many bad. I still wander around and have this thing in my head that says - he left you...he left you...he left you..., and at night i imagine if he is in his bed thinking he's made a mistake - which is why im keeping so busy. I guess what it comes down to is that he hasn't contacted me. I don't know if girls are weaker but with my exs I always felt after a couple of months - less usually - that i'd made a mistake. But i was younger then. He however up until i fully did NC would reply to ANYTHING i text to say 'I'm much happier now'...i guess I quickly got tired of hearing him be that hurtful - probably the medicine i needed. I dont hate him, but I feel i gave up a lot of my dignity in the first month trying to be friends, then backtracking and saying to him (all via instant chat or texts) i can't do this its killing me. He never EVER had a good thing to say. The couple of times I bumped into him he would hug me and tell me I was beautiful...but aside from that it was always about how he'd had such a terrible time for 2 years - lots of ups and lots of downs. He'd treasure the memories (which confused me, treasure what he percieved as bad times)???! But after that it was total a-hole ness - his actions have proved that he doesn't care about me, and i can get that anyway from the fact he didn't care enough NOT to sleep with another girl, and rather than work it through or even apologise he dumped me. What's the point in hanging on? I am a little bit. I do miss him. But he's changed so much of what I held dear in him - what i thought was undying love/loyalty/fidelity and friendship, how could it ever work again? It wouldn't. So I have to keep pushing forwards. It doesn't even matter what he thinks about me - if I don't figure enough in his life to be treated with respect, what does it matter how he thinks of me? I should think he's very happy without me - he can drink and do drugs without having my disappointed face expecting more from him. I don't know. I'm okay. And by comparison from a month ago I'm incredible. I just...I don't want to talk about him in public so do it here...but I'm trying hard not to do it too much cos that keeps alive the feelings for him that don't apply anymore. He's not my boy, or my protector, or my support, and he did the one thing he swore he wouldn't - let him stew in it...ok - i must be a bit bitter, but i allow myself that. It's hard to imagine NOT ever going to see him again. But there would be no conversation, no jokes, and if we did I'd be waiting for another punch in the stomach comment -- he didnt' tell me about the girl he got with, she told me, and he left me at a party to go home and sleep without even apologising - who expects that after 2 years of togetherness??? incredible. so...i give up on it. Well, in my public sphere of work and socialising. Personally I'm a little worse than I give out. But not much worse. Who is he to me now? An ex..and that's where I have to make him stay - filed away under 'the past'. Anyway!!!! The only trouble I'm having is dating. I have met so many lovely people, including my ex who is just gorgeous and fun and intelligent (sad to say better in every way than the guy i dumped him for - the two timer) and he takes me out - despite being in a signed band, and being pretty busy. But i can't even bring myself to hug him. I can't get close to guys. Even my friends boyfriend, he hugged me goodbye and I panicked and flushed like I did when i was at school!!!!! So how do i get over that one? Is it my way of protecting myself? I'd sure like to be comforted and loved, or even just have fun, but I can't do it - i feel like a fragile butterfly! If I talk about romance or flirt it makes me wanna cry! I just feel like a fool, and also unattractive - which is just stupid i know. So that's where it's hit me I guess. What shall i do?!!!

Ahhh, don't feel bad for thinking about her. Just accept that you do - worrying about doing it will make it worse! I think about my ex quite a bit - totally normal if you've been in love and shared a lot of days over the course of nearly 2 years together. They are memories, and they hang on. But eventually there won't be room for all of them and they will fade into now and again memories...i promise you. It's grief. there is nothing wrong with mourning a dead loved one...is there? Infact, if people DONT think about a dead parent/relative they tend to go insane...as insane as you may be feeling allow yourself to just do what you do - you are you after all...if it's your way to think about her then do it. Make yourself cry. Whatever. When it comes down to it you'll take your own time to sort yourself out. But you will eventually. Sure, I could write that you should buck yourself up, and get out, and do new things - and you will...but the thoughts still hang on - I know, mine do. Thats where time comes in. So...XXXX it to the stages, XXXX to anyone's magic formula of feeling better, you WILL get there, you absolutely will, but don't start analysing how you should feel - you'll feel how you feel for as long as you do. It's natural. Im on 2 and a half months since break up - after 1 year 10 months. I go out and I'll get a pang thinking - great, now i go home alone, or see my friends chatting to their other halves on the phone and think, great, no-one to text...which starts thoughts off. So I think them. It makes no difference - it doesn't bring him back, so hopefully one day I'll have grown out of it - after 1 year and 10months I'll have been alone as long as with him, then THAT will seem normal!!! Do you see what I mean? I think maybe I've had too much coffee. Anyway, i understand, just allow yourself to BE! take care hun xx

Wow! Good for you hun. I hope if i ever end up in that situation I will be just as cool! Its a weird world isn't it - when your in the depths of pain you think "MAn, I NEEED my ex to call so I can his voice right now" and then by the time you've sorted your life out, when you hear it its okay. I guess what we all need to keep in perspective is that unless the ex is a particularly nasty type they will probably be interested in you again at some point - as friends i mean - if you were close for a portion of your life there will always be some kind of knowledge that allows for communication etc. Only recently I met up with my ex-ex (the one i dumped) 2 years ago. His life is great - he's confident and happy, successful, gorgeous, and we get on fantastically. I don't want anything romantic from it as it's friendship for me but if I wasn't hurting I could imagine myself liking him again. As i said, we click, but also there isn't the pressure of an immediate ex there - 2 years away is a long time, personalities shift but essentials remain. We don't see each other at proscribed times, but when we do meet its really fun, and comfortable...but we don't upset each other as the fog of time has done its work with the pain (and he was in deep pain when I broke up with him - he cried at my Mum apparenlty)! So...yeah, there is hope for all. I've been away for a few weeks and since coming back it's weird how all those grieving ppl - even if still grieveing - are definitely coming accross as more in control, and more positive. The mask of perfection we like to hang on our exes is thankfully slipping away! xx

Wow! If you still like her then that's brilliant. Not sure whether you dumped her or her you? All I can say is that there are going to be a lot of jealous people on this site that read what is going on with you and think 'Please God let my ex do that for me'! The only thing is that you still have to protect yourself to a certain extent. Still young'uns', and if it was unhealthy before you don't wanna end up unhealthy again and back in a routine with more pain. Plus...be a bit wary - if she dumped you - it seems a lot of girls (myself included) dump guys and then realise after a while that they'd rather have a guy as they feel less of a person being alone. Don't get used okay?! But...good luck - we are all waiting with baited breath for the news!!! xx

Well, it's been 2 and a bit months now. So how am i? Up and down - somedays fine, others I have a little cry maybe to a song, but nothing deep and disasterous as I was feeling. Haven't had much time to go on here - making an effort to be out in the British summer while it lasts, and seeing friends. So the good things: -Friends - it's lovely to see them when I want, I never seem to have an evening free -Confidence - it may sound odd but I'm really cheery. Totally and utterly the happy little camper when I'm out and about/when I'm at work etc., i guess I used to put so much on hold for him that I could be bothered to share my personality with anyone else. It's lovely now to be the girl that smiles and notices when others smile back, to crack jokes and know that I am funny. ITS SO GOOD TO NOT THINK OF EVERY SITUATION WITHOUT HIM AS KILLING TIME UNTIL I SEE HIM AGAIN - i let far too many opportunities escape me that way. -Making NEW friends - this is the best bit. Sure they are mainly male, and NO I'm not interested enough to go for anyone yet, but it's nice to notice that I am an attractive person, I had forgotton somehow and dragged myself down to his binge-drinking drug fuelled level! -The amount of time I have for me. It was horrid at first, now I can't believe I ever gave up what I felt like doing for him. Anyway, so the bad points I guess can easily be summed up as - i still have this niggling annoyance that in the whole time of NC - now a month and a bit (after initial pathetic period of begging) he hasn't tried to contact me. 2 years we were together! 2 years! What an ! Still worry a little over the day he ever does try to contact me again. What will I say? Will I immediately fall into my old ways of being totally subservient to him? Or will I be cool with it? No idea (I think of this purely as he is starting on a course where I am doing uni in Sept). I'm still accutely ANTI-men, I mean not as friends, but can't do the whole flirting or kissing thing (odd as I used to be a demon when I had a few drinks)!!! Now I just can't be dealing with it. Is that normal? Hope everyone who reads this is having an okay time. It is true. Time works...rewind 2 months and i never EVER thought I could make life my own without him. Now...it's all settled down so much. NC is, as the experts say, the way forwards. xx

Yes, it helped me certainly. I'm totally with you - my situation is much the same, been 2 and a half months since my boyfriend left me after cheating. Then lots of lies were spread about me and it freaked me out that people could be so cruel. It freaked me out and upset me on a daily basis. A couple of weeks ago the type of thing you just said clicked for me too, I can't be bothered to essentially carry a chip on my shoulder about actions that have nothing to do with me - they did all those things, not me, and i couldn't care less anymore. They lost me from their lives, but I escaped them. I've spent far too long allowing myself to feel terrible about what others think or me, and taking what should be other peoples worries and trying to analyse them. So I'm quits with it. I'm a good person and quite willing to smile at the sunshine, and brush off what is already in the past. Let them worry about it if they ever do - I'll be long gone then. Cheers to brighter days ahead. xx

Hey there Only you can figure it out but it sounds like you've a lot of pressure from him, and alternately your parents. You need to do what you think is right - do you want a full time job? Or would you like to be in school? If school is what you want then I say DO IT! As for whether with him... your first boyf is ALWAYS the one you fall for hard - like an infatuation, and there are some ppl out there that spark off the conversationalist in you - if you called each other it suggests you werent WITH each other - perhaps the easyness of seeing your newly made ex made it less exciting for you. I presume it's only your second boyfriend and it can be scarey to suddenly think - oh man, if i go over there with him then im there forever. Not the case, but you should WANT him, not use him as a stepping stone to get into the school you want and have the comfort. Was the stress really that bad? Could you work through it if you moved away with him and got stressed on your course? Perhaps you just need to do stuff on your own for a bit - it's not illegal to want to just be yourself. I hope this helps - i doubt it cos it's a big decision. If you broke with him he'll prob have you back - but your gonna have to make damn sure your reasons are good enough, you don't want to hurt him. Take care - let us know what happens xx

Hey, I don't think you should worry too much. The only bad thing you could do is to start seeing one person and then really hurt them by pulling out with no explanation. Having a few nights out is not a sin - and if they happen to be flirting and kissing with others then sure get in there and enjoy! Just be careful with sex. It sounds silly but be really careful - after a long relationship sex with someone else might be a spark that throws you off balance, so play it cool and see where it all leads... Good luck - it's 1 week till iv been broken up for 2 months - wish I were as confident as you, you sound great! xx

Hey hun, It's good to hear that someone is going through the same stuff as me and is holding it for the most part together. I'm just like you and if we're honest you know we are doing really well with this - abandoned the one time you think you wont be - but with enough strength inside to keep on regrouping. I too hate to cry, and the last few weeks have been doing so in private, same with you - when i hear from his friends that he's ultra happy now (to the point where they find him annoying) and i know he's been out...silly cos so have I so what's the problem? The problem is...love. Really and truly we both know in the back of our minds we'll be fine. You know what I hate though, it's the hope vibe im still getting. Even though im doing NC and he doesn't make a move to break it other than to reassure me he's happy (i know WHY???)i still keep on thinking at some point surely he has to come back...we can't not be together really can we...I thought we were amazing together...this is the hardest stage for me now, accepting that he won't ever come back. I mean he might. But I can't wake up and go to sleep everyday with the thought that he may be back soon...if it happened would it really be what I wanted or just that cos it hasn't happened i want it more! I dunno. On a tangent there - so what im trying to say is saturdays are bad for me too, right there they pop up in your mind, we did this/we went there...just keep going - im hoping that in a couple more months I'm as happy with my new life as he is, and im sure you will be too hun. xxx

Oh, replying to myself. Just been sitting here reading through the post from gradle about loving here ex so much, it's amazing how you can see someone coming out of the fog of belief that they can make things happen. Have decided that my post is a bit silly. He is probably very sad about the break up - we were together for 2 years - and he was very brave to do it...but he did...thats the sole thing. Just so everyone knows i know im being silly and it doesn't matter how he is acting - none of it can be analysed into - he wants you back. he doesn't want me, and if he ever did he knows my mobile, my email, where i live etc. I wanted to let anyone that reads my stuff know how far I've come, it's a month and a half and I've achieved the following all for me: - I AM happier. It is freeing to not be in a relationship that was crumbling apart... -I have recontacted ppl i left by the wayside due to having a relationship and built up these friendships again -I have become closer to a group of 'new' friends from uni - that iv known for 2 years and never allowed to get close to me socially as i was always pandering to J and seeing his friends. -I passed my 2nd year at uni with a 2:1 in each subject (that's a B, and HARD to do (unless you are a genius)) despite the break up I held my focus together...I'm very proud of myself -I have relaxed with myself...stopped feeling it was necessary to be someone I wasn't to impress people that i didn't care about -I lost weight!!!! Been trying for years -Despite J wanting to continue contact I have kept to NC, well except that break and text...I have stopped contact with his family (for the first couple of weeks i saw his sister a lot and realised I was doing so I could hear news about him and have him possibly think about me). -I have stopped hanging around with anyone in his social circle - firstly as they were related to J and would stop me moving forward and secondly as they were druggy types and i never felt comfortable. -I said my goodbyes to his family on good terms, gave my house key back and collected the 'essentials' from his Mum -I gave my photos and teddies etc. to a friend to hide away - deleted emails, and photos i had online. There's prob more. I feel upset sure, and hopeful he'll be back one day, and yet if im honest, am so much more relaxed and i really treasure myself instead of just pandering to his every need. The future holds who knows what and more and more of my daytimes i now think that i can just give up control and expectations of others, do the same for myself, and keep trying my best to be me and be comfortable with that.

Ok, talked to ex's male friend on msn today and he said he can hardly stand being around him anymore as XXXX has turned so hyper and so overly happy it's a pain to be around. He's letting no one close, not interested in any other women, and acting really crazy. do you think maybe he's hurting. When we broke up he was in a state due to cheating on me - not sex but kissing another girl - and said he couldn't do relationships where ppl expect so much and let each other down all the time, said he had been feeling depressed for a long time and didn't want to carry on in the relationship. Do you think he's just pushing on this personality to get over it all? He had all my cards and photos in his room and a pillow person on my side of the bed. Do you think maybe he is just enjoying freedom and doing as the single people do when they make the choice - living it up at the pub?! I know i shouldn't analyse or care, and i know i shouldn't hold on. I just feel that if he isn't even himself then maybe he's denying his true feelings in there somewhere and that in months to come when he wears himself out on pretending to be the happy chappy 24/7 and needs to chill he'll want to work out what went wrong. I know he walked away from me. I know this isn't doing me any favours. And his friend said i was his first girl so prob not gonna work out and men never stay with their first. I just felt and still feel so much. Could it be possible hes that happy because he finally got out of a situation that he didn't want to be in - with me - or is he just covering up so he can cope? I havent seen him in weeks cos he wanted to still see me a couple of times a week, and when i did he'd hug me and hold me and it confused me too much - so i chose to stay away...maybe i should have stuck there with him instead of disappearing?

Sorry all, nothing new to report! Keep trying. I'm having dreams about him still - and about my ex-ex from 2 years ago who I am meeting up with next week. I worry for him as I broke up with him and knowing how I'll feel if my recent ex ever contacts me - like, find a car, find a plane i need to see him - i don't want him to be expecting something. However, maybe it'll lay stuff to rest, and he's dated other people and got an amazing life so I don't think it'll hurt him to meet and be friends - we were friends for the whole of school...so??? Well, he wants to as well so it's not like im using him. I seem to be gradually working through a list of all my old relationships - not just romantic - but gradually seeing people after having spent so much time with my ex's friends and family, it's good - sure some have moved on to a point that can't include me, but the majority are more than happy to see me. And i've got my newer social circle from uni. I just can't shake him out of my mind. Had a chat with a friend and she just said to leave it up to fate because at some point you've got to give in and just accept that you have no control. Whether he misses you or comes back is not in your hands, she said...but i told her I then feel like im waiting - for him to return, or for him to go away from my head. So worked up knowing he'll be at my uni and we wont be together. So fearful of the future which isn't going to be us moving forward after my degree but is going to be me needing to bloomin' well work out what will fulfill me now - had got to a point where i thought, even if the degree doesn't lead to a good job at least I have him and we can be together to comfort and cheer each other. ALSO i keep thinking about how close his family are - all the generations, not like that in mine. and that they all knew me really well, i think of how he can go and visit them on family days and now im totally excluded. hate the idea in their heads that il be a forgotten name for them - just the first of his girls he brought home...i don't even know what they think of me...and it doesn't matter now as I'll never see them. But I was calling HIS grandma grandma, and watching over his little cousin from her first steps to her christianing...i wanted so much that we would have a child and everyone would gather around us and watch us grow a family... hopes in tatters, battling on through it, he obviously doesn't want any contact with me cos he hasn't attempted it (though he was hurt i blocked him from msn), I guess he's doing what i asked...but you break those rules if you want a woman back enough. Feel like im searching for an answer when there really isn't one to be found.

Definitely buy yourself something expensive just for the pure pleasure. you deserve to congratulate yourself on how determined you are being. Sure, it would have been two years - but wake up and smile that it isn't - that you aren't with an alcoholic and celebrate it as xx weeks freedom from him . Happy Being You Anniversary Hun. xxxxx

HE TEXT AGAIN..... ok whats the deal here - i've dumped ppl before and always allowed them to get over it - is he just a total numbskull? He text (completely missing the point and reading what he wanted to in response to my message): I didn't realise you were still horny. I've calmed down a lot now! Can't believe you still want me like that, i want you too, but if we did i dont think it'd be a happy affair. it would just hurt more and kill it. HUH?! That was a flip comment in the middle of a message. For godsakes. Why is he enjoying the attention so bad? Or is he really still just caring and not aware that although he's over it im not and stuff like that is just more fuel for the fire? I text back: Yeah! I know, but you were single up until 19 so very self-sufficient! It wasn't about sex, it's all part of missing you is all. I'm trying to stay away from anything to do with you - including your family and friends who keep talking chinese whispers and that stops me healing. Im not hurt now - it eases. Only want the best for you sweetie. Shouldnt have should i? Reply: Thank you. I hate chinesey whispers - don't even go there. I won't comment on what other ppl have said but i want you to remember that i care about you and want you to be happy. I want the best things for you in life, and smiles. Well, i shan't text back. He doesn't mean to make me hopeful in what he says i realise, and if his take on my message was purely that i wanted sex regardless of whether we are together then his brainwaves are far far off mine! My friends say it's just a nice ego trip - he enjoys getting the messages and then leaves it a couple of days so he can get a bit more attention when he needs it. I just don't know anymore. Well - i do - it's like you've all said, he doesn't want me back, well at least not now. I personally think there is more to what ever he is up to than there seems, i.e., he isn't into anyone else even after 2 months nearly - never had a girl before me, and that he's taking the easy route to doing drugs and drinking without a girl who he'll have to put first. It's plain selfishness but he has every right to do that. I do think in time he'll be sad he gave up...he said right when we first split he loved me and thought i was great but that we didn't work as a pair. Which is true. I guess, not without both of us compromising - and if he can't do that for me then im lucky. I just wish he'd stop with the telling me he's having a good time, and patronising me at every step with this 'grown-up' attitude about wanting me to be happy - why keep on justifying it if he's really that happy?! I guess it's hard for the dumper just as it is for the dumpee and everyone acts differently. But if had my best interests at heart (haha!) he'd leave it all alone wouldn't he? Must remember: He took drugs secretly and in front of me even though i hated it He was mean to me and called me selfish when diagnosed with depression He expected me to follow him around all the time and even if ignored all night to go back to his and want him He CHEATED on me with another girl - under the influence - and didn't even tell me, he let her do that. No wonder he's happier - i must have constantly reminded him of what an a-hole he was with my straight life, exercise, degree work, and loving behaviour!!!

Hey, You saw my thread? its the same with me - but sometimes you have to just accept the fact that no matter how it was - it ISNT like that anymore. i find it hard, i really do - and i gave in...what did it get me? NADA! it doesn't work because that guy you loved isn't there anymore - you have to learn to rely on yourself. all the 'forevers' he may have promised are gone away sadly, they aren't forevers now -- but someday when you are better and zinnnnnnnnnnng someone new happens for you youll find the one for you. I don't believe it properly yet either - but it has happened to so many ppl and we'll get through it. Dont give in. If it's ever gonna happen he'll contact you. For now..your just you - living and breathing and experiencing without him. It's tough but you'll get better..as will i. Chin up - don't bother contacting - he wont have anything to say that you want or wish you could hear. xx