salmonhead_uk

Cheers guys. Though most ironically you both have seemed to show different opinions! Oh dear, just like my head then. I don't think i am ready. I ended up checking the ex's emails again. It's annoying me cos i just dont have the willpower not to do it once every few weeks. I hate him. Still talking to this woman that lives miles away, but i can't forget the things he said and the utter rubbish he's coming out with (and spelling wrong) on these emails. I know it should'nt matter but reading rude stuff about yourself is just hard to take, it makes me want to email her and tell her how it all really went down, but I'd never do it- I think that's a little extreme, when what I'm doing is already stalkerish. Thing is, I dont miss him. I truly don't. But I've never told him how much I hate him, just to get it off my chest at him. I always end up trying to boost his confidence (this is a couple of mnths ago, the last time we talked because he hadn't been paying stuff in my name - affecting my credit-rating). He's a total idiot, and he's fat and ugly. I just wish I'd told him what I think instead of trying not to think bad things...I still hold so much "that's not fair" inside me for countless things in the relationship. I just worry that I'll never get through them and move on to bigger and better things. I have, but my brain seems to take a step back now and again and see whether I can hurt myself - like an ex smoker just having the one. I hate even living in this area where there's a chance I might see him, he honestly deserves the biggest smack ever for his abusive behaviour and I wish I'd given it to him. Not cowered away. Okay, today's rant over. I'm off to see the 'friend' for a big long walk in the semi-rainy day with the dog and then for a roast, yum! xx

Hey all! I don't even know if this is the right place to post anymore. I'm feeling way better after the break up - it was 3 months ago now...I phased him out of my life, kept to NC, and it's worked. I still feel bad if I hear about him but I've also moved into different circles, started my career going. Everything is good. BUT!!!!!!! I still need help guys. I have been spending time with a male friend I've known since I was 12. We were in the same friendship group in school until 18 and then we went down separate paths. Met up once a year for catch-up. He's always liked me and I've always been in relationships with other people. His girlfriend, he found out 3 months ago, was sleeping with some other guy and living with him for their entire 10 month relationship. We've been kind of rebounding with no sex or lustful interaction - just admitting we'd rather call each other so we dont call them, that kind of stuff. then it's sort of changed dynamic. He met this ex-girl who came back begging for him. I was jealous but also hoping he'd do what was right for him and be happy. He wasn't sure what to do with her and didn't know if he could trust her again (as a friend, I like his other friends, counselled against getting back with someone like that). One night we kissed. Just stood and made out for about 20minutes. But I've been keeping my distance and saying we aren't ready for relationships and if I have one it needs to be with someone fresh not someone Ive known for my entire life of being old enough to date. Someone no-one knows. What is that about? I can't stand the idea that all my relationships (bar one) have been with 'boys' from the same year and school as me. Like I'm working through the class register. I know people that get married to people from school but it always seems embarrassing. I dont want to be with another person everyone knows and will laugh at me for being with. They all live in the same little area and stuff...i dunno. Right so, the issue...I have feelings for him. I'm scared and have told him and been honest. I WAS fearful of anything sexual, after my ex I couldn't perceive it as anything but disgusting. Now...well now I'm wanting to be with him like that, but I dont want to be a slag or a tease so nothing has happened...im so cold and distant he's lucky to get a hug out of me. That then changes my mood and i go really frustrated and confused...he's a really indepth emotional talker and i am, but i can't go down this conversation with him. And im not doing so well here. I really like this guy. I've known him for years. We've always had this thing but never gone there. He set himself this mission to prove that men can be good and caring and kind. He walked in the rain 6miles to my house, bought me a dvd, watched crap tv, makes me tea, rolls me cigarettes, lets me call at 4am if i want. We click well, we talk about 2 hours every day if not more. I'm desperatly trying not to see him too much so I can retain my independence but I'm finding it difficult. I think about him a lot and I get tense and frustrated because he's perfect. He makes me feel sooo much but its him...this boy from school turned into this hilarious, caring, interesting man. I really can't stand to get hurt again. I really cant stand for another guy to say he can cope with me not wanting more than friendship and then leaving me because they can't cope. but now i kissed him. And if he touches me its like electricity. Really powerful. I focus on what he says and his voice and im losing myself to it when i dont want to. So what am i to do? Why is this happening? Why can't i just be happy to feel this way and go with it or not, why must i keep asking why...im really confsued. Feel I might be turning away the most perfect guy I'll meet for silly reasons but can't seem to do anything else. Help guys. xx

You will be fine sweetheart, like you say, you're studying and you can find a job and it's probably the break you need from the ex to be honest - instead of walking into work remembering how you walked in after seeing him and stuff, and then over the days of the break-up walking in through those doors feeling bad, you'll walk into somewhere fresh and be someone new, you as you not as you with a boyfriend and then as someone who doesn't have a boyfriend (does that make sense). I had a good day (this is proof that the upsides come) I didnt get a job I went for but the HR manager told me to come back for an interview for a better job - my dream job as editorial assistant for a publishing company. Screw my ex and his call centre job, I'm gonna get this job and be amazing at it (next Tues I go so i'll let you know). I have got a wedding to go to this sat and instead of feeling sad that the ex wont be with me I'm actually looking forward to going as a single girl and seeing that it can happen - finding true love - and just dance about and have some wine. No-one to judge me on my partner, just me. Gonna be great! What else...one of my friends is flirting with me loads and it's making me a little uncomfortable - he's just come out of a relationship where the girl cheated, with another guy at the same time as him for 11months! Scandalous huh? She must have issues. It's nice to get attention but I'm finding it a bit scarey. Dont know whether to just have a fling or not. would rather not ruin the friendship. Still, looking at passing cars and wondering if the ex is in them, and now and again if i hear his name it makes me feel a bit funny, but other than that, onwards and upwards. And you will find a job you love this time - if you've got no financial NEED for one straight away be choosey, like you will for your next guy... xxx

Hey hun, I can totally sympathise. I didn't break up with my ex, but he didn't really break up with me. It was a horrid night of him crying and saying "what do we do?" and me in silence knowing that I had to give it up - i was losing myself, I was uncertain, he was ruining friendships I had with his jealous, I was ruining him in some respects because there was a lot of love just not a lot of empathy and care for one another. We learnt a lot of stuff from each other, we went through some terrible times together, but it wasn't enough to make him right for me or me for him. I couldn't get over his mistakes, the way he dealt with life, so different from my own. In the end I left his house, though he didn't want me to. My reasoning being that we couldn't even agree on being together or not, and that seemed my cue to leave. How would we ever move 10years down the line and deal with the big stuff? Wouldn't happen. We are exactly the same age, you and I, so I know what you mean about worrying whether you'll find anyone to be in love with again. I know I've had past boyfriends that I was with for 2 years upward and that after these I found other people. If I am honest of COURSE we'll find love. We will. Like that amazing inspirational post you wrote when a little tipsy (see I remember it!) we will. We are so young. The thing is that I am not ready to be in love. I am tired of it all. I know my heart and thoughts are still with him, thought I still feel he doesn't deserve it (he's desperatly trying to get with a 30 year old that lives 2 hours away from him), but I know that for all the special moments and the joy of companionship I just can't do it yet. I dont want to go forth and find someone, it'd feel like a farce. I'm busy getting myself back. I mean, horrible as it is, since the split I've found out that I have soooo many friends, that I can get along with anyone, that I dont need to take * * * * off of people as previous. My career is looking up, I've finished my degree, I've salvaged old friendships and made new. The future is bright. But, when I'm bored, I tend to wallow in the past - which is why I come here. He was not the one for me or it'd be working. We used to argue and break up every weekend, he was not on my wavelength - when we started I thought we'd work well for one another, him the chilled out pot-smoker me the stressy student, but it didn't. He didn't want his world turned upside down by someone else that pushed too hard for him to ever go along with. So, I have dreams about him, I have been ignoring calls from him, emails, he doesn't want me. I clarified this by dropping all my pride and asking for a final go. I dont know why i did this - a month ago. But i think it was the desperation to be wanted again. Thankfully he didn't want me back. I say thankfully because I'm more of a real person now, not a partner and an underdog. It's so hard though. It's been 3 months. 1 since we had sex again and I got badly hurt. I can't help disliking him and I dont want to because I dont think it's healthy. He's just something I have to avoid. I dont want to be in pain, it's better than it was - miles better. this is what I keep reminding myself, a little while ago I was devestated from sun-up to sun-down, now he figures in my mind in a bittersweet ache. Soon that will go too. Keep strong hun. It was an experience and will be of use. If your anything like me one minute you dont even think of it, the next you are obsessed with the thoughts. Hold tight. It will pass. xxxxxxx

No idea why but I have this rose-tinted spec mood on today. Probably because I spent ages fending off calls and texts from the ex yesterday, I had sent him an email to explain I'd written to mobile company (long story on another thread - tying up loose ends that are in my financial name basically) and would contact him when they respond. He obviously didn't get it because he spent all day trying to ring and leaving voicemails and texts with kisses. Worst thing is i know he is only doing this because he wants his mobile to work again so he can contact this new woman he met who has already said she lives too far away for it too work, and she's 10years older than him, he sounds so desperate...he's told so many lies about how long we've been apart and how awful it was for him (though that might be true), how he can 'get the train' up to see her, how she's the 'icing on the cake after so much pain'...it's been 3 months, that seems like no-where near enough time! But I guess he wants to be loved, or he likes her a lot, who knows? So then today a song from an album I bought right when we first were getting together came on and BAM I was remembering doing him a copy and getting this text saying about he wanted to shout from the rooftops about how much he loves me and he's so scared, and that he's listening to the song. I remember being really uncertain as I hadn't known him for long, but I kept that message for ages. Now I see him doing it to another girl (she seems like me - flattered by a bit disturbed by it) and it's just made me feel a bit poop. Horrid to be transported to when he WANTED me so much he'd say anything, call me regularly, be sweet, now it's all gone. It went a long time ago I know, but just today, I'm thinking about how if he'd stayed like that it would have worked, how that was what i needed. Now I know it's just little boy passion that gives way to lust only after a while and then there's no substance. What a shame. do you know I used to wear his damn hat everyday to uni with me just to make me feel like he was there with me. And he wrote little love notes on his palm, photographed them and sent them to me...if only that outweighed his evil side. sorry guys, it took A LOT out of me to NOT go see him, not answer the calls or texts and stick with the email I sent only, and I expected to suffer a little. Humpf.

That's cool then. Just be careful. Really careful. You can't pick up the pieces for her now. I had a friend like this, a female friend, and to be honest, there are usually reasons why people can't deal with those types, they will turn, they will wear you out, and you can't, CANNOT, save everyone in this world. But i think it shows real beauty in your soul for trying (oh, i sound like a hippy!) Take care, keep posting, even if you feel you are repeating yourself, this place is fantastic for helping. Try and keep smiling chick x

This post kicks * * *! I love that you can write that. Isn't it great when those moods come on. It is so right, so beautifully written and EXACTLY what I needed to read. Rounds of applause from all sides. You're a great lass, you'll do fine. xx

Hey proman, hope you don't mind me butting in as NJRon is doing such a great job. I just want to forward a different idea. I dont want you to beat yourself up because you are gonna do what you're gonna do and you will learn at your own pace. But personally, stay away from her. This will or could go on and on with her getting to have you there at the ready for when she's needing her insecure ego massaged and you worrying and fretting. It's so difficult - I did it for the first couple of months after break up. But then something clicked in my head and I realised I was more important than my ex. He had dumped me. My life is still right here, and now because i felt the same after a few calls (bored, without the relationship aspect there wasn't much friendship, and great relationships require being great friends, I wasn't that attracted to him, it was attention and safety I missed etc., and going it alone is scarey at times) but I've stopped it. I had to. I wanted to. You will get to a place where you want to as well, and I think you need to force yourself there. What is the point of letting her go away thinking, "i can feel valid in my decision, he can't be that hurt, I will smile and feel good about myself" because you allowed her to still be a part of your life? What do you get out of this? You end feeling like hell, second guessing her, yourself, where you should go, how you should sound (I say this cos I've done it, not trying to suggest I'm any better). It's not on. What she is doing is not on. It seems to be the tendency that women dump men and then want affection back, want to be wanted again, and push them into a horrid situation that messes with their minds. Men (generalising, dont go mad guys) tend to be done with it and stay done. They dont drag men through hell with false needs for attention (except mine...but I'm wise to it). You deserve way better than her. all this care and affection you obviously have within you, all these people who miss you at your old work and your pals, and she DISSES you! That's not a friend. That's just bitter and self-obsessed. She wants to be the victim as has been said before. You don't want to text this person. you dont want to call her. For now because it only valids her belief that she is right to have you in her life however she chooses, and hopefully later because the rose-tinted ex glasses will fall off and you'll see that she isn't the "one". You're 22, I'm 23, Im nervous I'll never find anyone else, but I'd rather that than pamper my ex's ego. She denied you had a relationship?! You want to hang and watch films with this person? NO! You don't. Not if you are being rational. It kills, it hurts, I know it does. My ex of a year ago (had been going out for 2 years) hurt me by cheating. I've never seen him again. I KILLED. But I stayed away. Totally. I never answered his calls...if he wanted me how I had wanted him he'd be leaving voicemails saying "I want to get back with you" and I could deal with that then. but I didn't have to be on beck and call for him, and you dont for her hun. You really dont. The ringing phone with the ex's number is a killer...I can ignore the phone if it's a friend i dont wanna talk to cos im busy, or a relative, but the flashing phone with their name on it - WELL the heart rate increases, you wonder, you worry, you try and stay cool you try and say the things that make you sound like you dont care. But you DO. And for as long as you do, that person is out of bounds. stay away. She is not your friend. She is not good for you. She is done. And a year down the line I can honestly say that guy doesn't bother me now. I couldn't care less if he called or not. Because I let the wound heal. You keep ripping it open you will lose your dignity and who will help you? She won't! She's the bloody cause! So...please, get it into your head that you must stay away. Dont answer the calls, or emails, unless you hear what you wanna hear (and in this case I think you already know it's over don't you?). We are all here suffering too. But it dies gradually if you make a DECISION. The decision is...there is more to life than worrying about her sorry * * *. Take care hun, hope that didn't sound rude. I think you are doing great but your falling into her trap and you MUST extricate yourself, for you, for the next girl that is perfect and talks politics... Trust me.

I hate you because I can't stand to love you again. It's sickening and tiring. I never thought about you this much when we were together - why was this, because you were so beneath me. You have no aspirations, other than to be in a rock band...so sorry, but it'll never happen. People kick you out of bands because you are TERRIBLE on your instrument. Pot is not a form of chilling, its an escape. You cannot blame me for your paranoia and insecurities, you'd get over it if you loved someone, and you love no one but yourself...and if yourself you hate. Everyone can see it. That's why you have 4 friends from you past, because you are not a "loveable c*&t" as you described yourself, your just the second word. People see nothing in you. Women are attracted to you because you are tall and silent, that's it. You get behind it and there's nothing there. Nothing at all...some half arsed attempt to have interests in politics, but this is all opinion you gained from tv. You never supported me. My Dad was sick and possibly dying of cancer and all you cared about was whether you'd get a lift, whether me being capable of socialising with all your friends was me flirting...no no dearest, that's just a bright mature young woman who doesn't see people as a big pair of genitals. I was always too clever for you. You made me question myself and my life and manipulated me because you did not love me for what I was. You at first said I glowed, then when you realised I would glow brighter than you could even dream of you wanted to dampen my light. I told people I would dump you as soon as my degree was over. I told people I knew it was never a long term thing. I was embarrassed to introduce such an inarticulate, uneducated waster to my friends. You are so lazy...you can't drive, you can't move out of home, you have your baths run by your MOTHER...your nearly 25...what on earth???! I hate that you got to touch me or have sex with me. I should never have let you. I'm too good for you. It sounds egotistical and it is. Because since you disappeared my life has opened up in more ways than you can imagine, I aced those exams, I found social circles I had been avoiding because I feared your jealousy and the hassle. I was tired every weekend because you'd drag me out of clubs and whinge at me, check my phone, cause me so much harm...when all I deserve is good. You are such a sad man. You crave attention and any woman with any independence (ie. not a replica of your mother) will seriously despise you. You are a child. You are not deep. Silence is not deepness, it's dullness. You have become fat, and since cutting your hair you look awful. You need to learn to respect the world and stop being scared of being outside your comfort zone. Get some real problems and then see how you handle stress. Because the stuff I was dealing with was not going to be solved by smoking drugs and hiding away. I face life head on, and I never want to have to face you again, you are not worth it. Go kiss and molest other women, you know why I dont? Because it'd be sooooo easy. You dont think I know i intimidate you? I am beautiful, i know this, if i wanted to go to some grubby club and find anyone I could, but im about more than that. I dont need to prove myself ot you anymore, think what you want, think im the reason for all your insecurities, then think the same about the next girl. Stay in your small little world and keep the hell out of mine. I am SICK to death of your name, your face, your dragging around in my head. Just get out, go away, curl up and die.

Hey sweetheart, I'm a newbie in that I haven't been here in a year. but this really helped me the first time round. Just keep talking about it, do things for yourself, and be prepared to have some rough times. We all do. Dont question it, just realise you will feel like hell. I found no contact worked with my past ex - i never spoke to him again and it wouldn't bother me to see him now. But the current ex, well, on top of the hell i had last year moving on, he's really hurt me, i guess is a nasty person. Doesn't see why we shouldn't contact each other once ever month, but only if he's bored and only if he wants money or attention. See my post: unfortunately i have to meet him to sort money and i really dont want to. It's the last thing I want to do. I can't lose myself in his rubbish again and I will. Getting better and better and then he calls and i feel like hell. Just stay the hell away. Trust me. xxxx

THIS IS HUGE AS IT HAS A BIG BACKLOG OF STUFF...IM SORRY GUYS. please read! Well, I haven't been here in a while! My how it's changed! Looking very funky. So...I don't know what my problem is. I went out with a total control freak for 8 months. My father got cancer, I was in my last year of uni, and he was horrid to me - the boyf not my dad! He couldn't drive so I drove everywhere, he got fired and remained unemployed for 6 months. He owes me a lot of money. a lot. Its been 2 months since we broke up and I have to see him again as his phone contract is in my name, and typically he is havng problems paying it, I need it swapped into his name and so we have to be together. We met after 5and a half weeks no contact by mistake - both at same gig of a friends - and we ended up sleeping together. Me wanting to sort it out (would have been a big mistake) and him not. Then we have avoided each other for another 5 weeks. I have had a lot of good things happen since he left, finished uni (we broke up right before my exam finals - he is that selfish), got great results, got job interviews for my dream career, and have felt more free, bubbly, more friends than in ages. YET, now I have to see him, and yesterday had to talk to him, I feel awful. I woke up with that sick feeling you get after you've just broken up. I can't stand the idea of seeing him. He not only made a complete fool out of me nearly every weekend for 8 months, he tried to destroy my self-esteem, put down all the things about me that I consider good, just really hurt me, but the had sex with me afterwards and acted like a total jerk about it. I even ended up round there trying to chat to him face to face and nearly begging him to go back out with me. I dont know why...we were never suited, i have all these dreams and aspirations that he thinks of as STRESS, this is because he smokes a lot of weed, listens to reggae and presumes that life has to be that way or you are a horrid person. The worst is that I read his emails. I told him to please change the password because i knew it and he couldn't (he says he doesn't know how...this is the amount of laziness we are dealing with here) and I saw emails from a woman he met when he went away for the weekend. She is 30 to his 24 and obviously very bright and outgoing, feel bad for her because she sounded like me and he'll totally annoy her, but that's for her to find out. He'd written that his ex was really bad, she didn't cheat, although he wasn't sure, but that she was " a real drain on the soul"...never have I felt my stomach lurch like it did then. How RUDE! I know i know..it's taught me not to look again before you tell me off. But this guy....oh my god...this guy, read my diary (was angry because since having depression a few years ago I put all my negative self thoughts in there and he didn't like it, didn't see why I'd write such things but he used them against me by saying "why do you think no-one likes you, because youare a piece of xxit". He hid outside my workplace to see if I was getting with guy friends. He demanded lifts and if I was out socialising with my friends (which happened VERY rarely) and wouldnt come he'd go mad. Once my battery on my phone died so he just rang my friends phone and kept on shouting! He demanded I delete certain numbers off of my phone. He demanded more attention when i had work due in, and couldn't fathom why i would have male friends at all. He'd tell me I was fat. He'd demand I leave the HOSPITAL and come to meet him when Dad was ill. He told me if I moved away for my career he wouldn't stay with me. He was horrible to me, totally vile. However I've never been able to be rude to him. I didn't want to break up when we did (he cried and cried at me and couldn't say the words, just wanted me to sleep there with him because he felt bad all that rubbish, so i left) only 2 weeks before my uni finals. Ever since I've felt like that saddest woman on earth. He is so uninterested in me and how well life goes for me and now he's using me as an excuse to pull new women after only 2 months. I dont want to see him because he always manages to upset me. He's so dull, and we have nothing in common, he's not THAT attractive to me and never was, but he's still messing in my head. Feel like I can't get up and dust myself off because he's hanging around in there. The last time I was on this site I had been cheated on by my boyf of 2 years, I got over that in 6 months, but that was by never speaking to him again and getting on with life. Now, well, I feel I can't get away from this guy. We share friends from way back at 17 and everyone has a little story about him. I truly feel I hate this bloke. But I can never stick up for myself and tell myself that he's not worth thinking about. Help! Advice, tell me I'm normal!!!!!!!

Thank you for your words. You are right about karma and yes, i think im being the kind of girl i always despised. All that you've said seems very honest and it is good to gain a bit of perspective on what I look like from the outside. Thank you. I will stop being so callous and attention-seeking, and I TOTALLY see the point with lists of ideals - ultimately there isn't one is there?! There's just ideal when it happens. I'm going to stop worrying about how much I hurt and try and think about the potential hurt I am causing to others.

Ok, very harsh - but very fair. Except for a few points - I have not had sex with any of these people, I never have done a one night stand and dont ever intend to. Next - it wasn't just me and my friend that I club hopped for another guy - there were 5 of us in one club and the rest of the 'group' in the other - i pushed to go to the other club because I knew the guy I liked was there but i certainly didn't force my friend who was leaving to stand around alone while i went off acting the harpy! My past relationship I was very much in love with him, and after 2 years he cheated and then broke up with me (i was so desperate to be with him I would have carried on going with it)...it's still not properly subsided and I haven't had contact in 5 months now because it serves only to hurt me. Alcohol is not an excuse for kissing that guy you are right. What I think it is is that I wouldn't kiss any of my other male friends because I know how much they like me and that it would mess them up and I dont' want to be some kind of tease of lose them, BUT with B (the friend at the club we ended up in) I dont' feel I will stand to lose much if it all goes wrong. I'm not fearful it will lead into anything serious. So I'm playing at it aren't i? And that's wrong of me. Hence writing here - i know I seriously need to stop messing my head and other peoples heads around.... but i am because im lonely i guess. And i keep wanting to just be me for a while but all the world ever talks about is finding men and it wears me down. I do have a couple of female friends - and I find them just as confusing...always on the hunt for love never just chilling. It's hard. But I appreciate that I've started drinking more regularly as an excuse to be off my face for a while and it's playing havoc with me.

Hey all! I need somewhere to write this stuff down. Dont' think there's any advice but I'll take any you can think of. I dont know where to begin. After my ex and I broke up 5 months ago I've been gradually getting myself back up together. Part of this process involved seeing some people who were my best friends 4 years back and we all immediatley clicked again and have been hanging out religiously for a few weeks now. However, the primary problem is that they are all guys I went to school with. Great, and fun, but now the two guys who stopped wanting to hang out with me 4 years ago cos they liked me and didn't like me being with my (now) ex are now turning on the pressure again. They are both best friends but quite happily trying to get in my 'pants' to coin a phrase. I've explained that I don't want anything with them - and then I let my guard down when drunk and kissed one of them - thus setting off a whole chain of events whereby I have to keep saying 'I can't be serious' and he acts like it's fine but i know it isn't really because it equates to leading him on and is driving a wedge between all three of us being friends, and I can tell he really likes me but I just can't see it happening - I don't want it to happen. I worry that it is my ex issues that are stopping me being able to be with this guy I keep kissing when drunk. I don't find him REALLY attractive though and he is great, but none of the things that I want in a boyfriend - it may sound cruel and that's why I worry that I have issues about needing someone more intelligent, or different looking - and that that is because I am still not ready after the ex or that it IS just the case I don't like this guy enough. But regardless I feel deflated and devestated today. Everyone takes stuff with such a pinch of salt - oh just be with him - but I just want friends. I can't cope with the idea of being soley one person's partner anymore (or maybe I could if he was the right one?)and after various catastrophes to my confidence these last few months I can't face the idea of having sex with anyone yet. As I become more and more sober I start to feel really self-conscious, in fact when kissing him I feel trapped inside my own thoughts - it's like polite kissing. Then today my closest oldest friend moved away to a place 2 hours away. I ruined our night because I dragged us from one club all the way to another to see this guy I'm now wishing I'd never gone near. And i miss my mate so much and he won't even know that now because i hardly saw him last night. He's such a dear friend, had depression too, and hasn't had a girlfriend in years because he doesn't seem to be able to face it - like i am now, and he's gone....and he had to put up with all the angry poutings of the two best friends vying for my attention with one another. I have only had 1 hours sleep so maybe it's that. Maybe it's drinking as much as I have been recently - it always used to aggravate my depression, so it would make sense. But I feel totally crippled. I'm scared of my last year at uni, I'm scared I will never find love, I'm scared of who are my real friends and wondering just how many will come and go. I can't stop crying - and I was like this last weekend. I'm in a total state. I feel so low and so lonely and so helpless. And I can't talk to anyone about it because they are all involved. Am I depressed? Am I just getting the typical nearly finished with education fears of getting a job? Am I ever going to just be normal? What do I even want? I just want to be happy, and I was doing so well until these last few weeks and then it's all gone downhill...kissing this bloke making me feel pressured? My issues with depression have always been with regards to feeling like i have no real friends - that's why im worried it's coming back again. Why do I worry when i know so many people and they think im fun and chilled and they chat to me, but im so tired of being me at the moment. God I want my friend not to have moved away.

Just read other posts and realised that although I never did the psycho-ex thing to him (well after the first 2 weeks) i still feel like iv lost all dignity. That someone knows you want them and they can have the dislike for you to not want you back after 2 years inyour life - what does that say about you? You can't be worth much. I wish i had the bottle to be a psycho-ex to feel I am allowed to be in his life, but i dont. Im to fearful to even try and talk to him - i cant take the pain it causes so quickly. why do i have to question my every move - can't i even find this positive. I tried for 2 weeks - sent him a letter - he said it was over - and i gave up. It hurt like hell but i gave up...so why do i feel like a loser? I had no social life when i was with him i just tagged around after him. I have a life with many friends now, i have my degree, i have sex appeal, i have my dance classes, im back on track with a family i used to avoid due to feeling i had to be with his, i have a job with friends i enjoy...im doing great. so why am i so desperate to show HIM that. It shouldn't matter. I don't want a good life just so if he ever finds out about me i seem like im great...i just want a great happy life. How do i let it go? there has to be some way...this is silly. im tired of it. tired of looking to others for love and support when im an only child and should depend on me like i always have done. Im sorry guys, i really want to just click this rubbish away from my brain, do you think I'll be better when i get back at uni and have stuff to do?

Cheers guys! unfortunately im in Southampton so bit of a way to go for an OJ - but nevermind! Well, thank god i didn't go out in the end. I knew something would have happened. When I woke up I got a text from my best mate to say she saw J yesterday night. they had a conversation - she said "hi i go to uni with your ex" he said "oh right hi" he said "how is she doing" she said "she was pretty cut up at first but she's really happy now" he said "oh good, im glad" She said "you are a fool she is so lovely" he said "well thats your opinion you don't know our relationship" She said "I don't want to know" he said "she cheated on me you know" (2 years ago after a week of dating him I said 'goodbye' to my ex...my bad paid for it ever since) she said "yeah and you cheated on her just before you broke up with her" he said "i never cheated" she said "whatever" he said "whatever" it seems that it is impossible to get through this stuff. The moment she related the conversation I felt bad. I wanted to call him, i wanted to ignore him. I hate that he is holding on to the 2 years ago mistakes - if he was that bothered why not dump me then - it's an excuse so he doesn't seem so bad for sleeping with that girl the night before we broke up. I wanted to know what he looked like - i can imagine the scenario - apparently he's got a skinhead again and looks like hell. I keep imagining how it would have been if id been there - thank god i wasnt it would have been more painful than this second hand information. I'm such a mess aren't i? why can't i just get on with things? i mean obviously day to day I am and i am happier than when i was with him cos he was so into drugs and hanging with the lads all the time and i denied all there was of my personality to just follow along like a puppy. But still i feel hurt and pathetic. I hate that i wasn't there showing him what a good time i am having - but thats the point whenever i go out im not having a good time im just wondering if hes there. How did i get so mixed up. This guy is not worth me. He didnt offer support over my depression, he didn't show me new things and new people and new ideas that have broadened my horizons - infact he narrowed them. And yet STILL this pain. This sickness in my stomach when i hear about him, i wish i could up sticks and get away from anywhere that has anything to do with him. I can't believe it's all hurt me so bad. Knocked my confidence in me so hard. And what is there to be jealous of - he went out for a night with the same old ppl he's known since he was 4, he stood around in a circle - not pulling or talking to others (that might be scarey), he was prob on drugs, one of the guys there is off to prison soon, what have a really got to feel bad about? That he rejected me. That I loved him enough for the both of us and didn't want to be alone. that he is so unreasonable that he can't just leave it (although i guess it's my friends fault for attacking him). I will find no resolution with him, that's what i realise. There is no way he can make me feel better about who i am- he didn't when i was with him and hes not a part of now for me - he's my past. So why won't i leave it there. I've always been such a coward about facing up to things i failed at. And this is one of them. Not that i failed him but that i failed myself but letting myself get walked on, being told i was prejudiced cos i didn't like drugs, eventually taking drugs to try and make him want to be with me...i just ruined the last 2 years. So why can't i make a conscious effort to move forward. It's been 4 months. That's nearly a quarter of the time we were together. Will i get better? Will it require meeting someone new? Can't i just sort myself out? What if I ruin uni because he is joining there this year? If it makes me cry hearing he talked to my friend how will i face going into uni and seeing him around? Possibly talking to him - which he'll want to do because he likes to think that everyone likes him. Will i be shaking in my boots - will i have the strength to not resort to the 'What did i do wrong' and tears...... i have NEVER EVER been this messed up about another human being in my life and im so cross at myself for not being an adult and just letting it lay to rest where it belongs.

Hey all. So it's been 4 months so the horrid ex broke it off with me. I haven't met him since the week after it happened and he said so many horrid things I haven't bothered again. Saw him driving his car yesterday and it felt like I'd been hit in the stomach. I wish I could let it go like he has. I dont miss him really. I dont think so anyway. I just feel so cross for all the stupid things I went through and how cross he's made me - and that he can walk away fine and happy and I'm full of SO much anger and I don't want to be. It's not like everyday I feel this way but just now and again I'm cross or lonely and then it goes away. I just think after 4months I shouldn't care. I wish that I could just not care, or that I could have been mates with him so that it didn't become this big deal that it will be if we bump into each other anywhere. I hate that he was allowed to share 2 years of my life and that he could end them so horridly and I just dont know when I will stop looking back over my shoulder at the past. I feel like no-one will ever make me feel comfortable or happy again (not that he made me happy, I tried so hard to make him happy that it wouldn't have worked for much longer either). I can't imagine what the 'new' guys face will be like, will he take care of me, or will he ruin me again, will I start to dislike him toward the end of the second year as I have before...where will he be? I've been going out and socialising and I had that thing with an ex from years ago (that actually made me feel worse) but i really don't see how I will meet anyone on a drunken evening out. I'm so sick of this worrying. Of feeling like I have no-one to socialise with. I'm supposed to go out tonight and go drinking and dancing but I dont think drink is good with this mood, and im sick of going to the same pubs wondering if I'll see the same people (namely the ex) and going home alone. Does that sound silly? I want someone I can sit and chat to in a pub garden somewhere and just think about the world and sit there supping on orange juice and lemonade. Companionship. I've never been the type to go out clomping the streets hunting for men, and that's what it feels like in this single world. I truly hate it. I hate being in this bad mood. Sorry.

Ok, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much. You are right. I do need to look after myself and stop waiting for someone else to provide stability - i do really agree with you. It will be hard after not seeing him for 2 years to not see him again - especially as he's off to London. but i guess...well it has to be done for me. thanks again. i think my cold might have to last over through to next week ( i think it may very well do anyway)...hopefully he'll be moving then so I won't figure to high on his scale and it won't be obvious to him that iv backed off. It so upsetting and disappointing, but i have ended up waiting around and he doesn't want me. I need to see that the contact we have isn't doing me any favours anymore. I don't feel i can talk to him now, im overanalysing every conversation and i feel totally deflated and physically exhausted after seeing him. I'll steer clear. But it will kill me to know he wont' notice that i am!

You really think? I guess it worked with J. It hurt not seeing him for the first 2 months and then it got easier...so do i just avoid him - or tell him the reasons? Wont that ruin any chance il have of being with him because he'll see it as me not caring about him if i can't have my own way. Oh dear. I'm got a MASSIVE cold as well so im not thinking straight.

i don't even know if he needs to keep me away. i don't even know if the whole 'i have feelings' is real. he text and said before we met for the talk this post is about, that he 'had been thinking about us constantly' and he made those comments the other day like 'i heard this song and knew you'd like it' and 'when i go to london you must come and visit' and 'im sorry but i just don't know know why i can't be with you'... i dont think of him as someone who'd mess with me -but then i don't know him now. he's always been the very sensitive type - but the very internal type so getting to the root of stuff is difficult. I dont think he would have used me. But...I'm so smitten. And he's so supercool about it all. He has so much going on in his life and so it's easy for him not to make me a major factor and to put any thoughts of me aside. I dont' have that luxury. I guess im also a hopeless romantic when it comes to this guy. I had such a terrible time with the guy i stayed with instead of T that I feel it was karma's way of working it out. I want to be allowed to love him so much. But is love leaving him alone, carrying on as friends until i get used to it and stop being sick and over the top, pushing him??? Well not pushing because i want him to fall in love with me not run away. Can that happen again? Thank you so much for replying. I feel so isolated because i can't chat to friends about this in depth. Thank you thank you thank you.

WELL.... this is where im so confused. There are a couple of 'friends' in my life (one of which doesn't know T) that say the whole situation looks stupid from the outside, and that im blatently being used - have been used - and that i need to gain some self respect. Other newer friends (who also never met him) say sort of what you are saying, that if i really REALLY think he is right for me then I have to wait and prove myself...and he'll either get to the point where he can trust me or we'll both move on. So...how i treated him. We went out for 2 years. Both were 18. We'd been at school together but never together, I remember him wanting to be with me when I met a guy from a different school and how he spent 2 hours convincing me for just one slow dance at the prom. Then we went to different colleges - i had a boyf and he a girlf, didn't see each other for 2 years. At 18 when we were finished college we met again by happenstance of our friendship groups. And after about 4 months of should we shouldn't we we got together. I was on a gap year and highly jealous of him having a dream during his (he was at guitar school) i worked full time. Then the second year we went to different unis, he used to travel and see me every weekend. Then he quit to carry on with music, and i eventually quit (but got depression not to do anything worthwhile) soon after quitting i dumped him. By text. Not even to his face. I moved out of home and after about a month I contacted him and we hung out some. I had started sleeping with a different guy and i told him. He was devestated. He was due to go away to guitar school and do a degree. We met one last time before he went, we ended up talking - going out - (i was sober and driving) and then he came back to mine with me and we made love for hours. The next day he left, we met once more and i said i couldn't work out whether i should be with him or move on to the new guy I had been seeing. he left for guitar school in a different city. I told the new guy that I'd cheated with my ex. And he demanded that I never speak of T again. so I didn't. I text him to say i wouldn't be able to visit him or talk to him. And two years later (now) back in March of this year i got a text from T to ask if i wanted to see his band. I didn't reply. But i sent an email and we swapped msn addresses. The day we started our conversations (that lasted until 3am) was the day after the guy I'd stayed with for that 2 year seperation had cheated and dumped me. We chatted about broken hearts and admitted to feeling nervous and buzzy even emailling each other. He moved back as he'd finished his course and was waiting to move to london for his teaching degree and we met up. At first i was totally fearful. Couldn't see anything but how hurt I was by my ex. Then I guess i used T as my crutch. He was my best friend again - constant texts. We started to meet once a week. And then the last day of july we got drunk together and had sex. Then again the next week - but not drunk that time. 3 days after this we met at a pub and he told me he couldn't carry on having sex as he had feelings for me - i said i did too but that i was happy to have them and see where it led. We left it for a week and thats when i posted this first of all. The day i had to go and see him and try and clear the air and tell him how sorry i was. I just don't know what to do. I've never felt like this for a guy. It's not just excitement and sexual attraction (although it plays a major part) but i feel we are totally ideal for one another. We balance each other, advise each other, say the same stuff...i dunno, i just feel IT in his presense. But like you say - i guess i expect too much too soon. I hate the idea that i have to get over this. that i messed up and i can't let it go. I don't know whether i should be seeing his stand-offishness as something that will fade if i keep proving myself or see it as a sign that i need to learn to deal with the fact that he won't ever be convinced im the one. I really feel that we are ideal. I was horrid to him when we broke up - i never cheated on him, but i was messed up and had been horrid and jealous during a lot of our relationship. I've learnt my lesson now but he's scared to trust me as you say. I don't wanna give up but all i know is that im in floods of tears and sick and not sleeping, and he's got so used to having to dislike me and feel anger towards me I don't know if I can ever crack through it. I'd love to be big enough to leave him be, but i do think I'd be good for him. Though sometimes i think he's too good for me. I dunno. But I really feel so lost. There are no certainties, i want to be around him and with him, but im someone he's trying hard to keep at arms length - and then when we're together it's like being at home for both of us - i hate that he wants to keep me away for his sanity... what do i do?

Right, I know no-one is reading this anymore and i dont' care. well i do but whatever. I hate myself today. I'm so fed up of chasing after someone that doesn't care. We were gonna meet today and now after all this time (it 3pm now) he's text to say he's got to do work. Whichs true i know. But i just feel fed up. It doesn't matter whether we meet or not. I'm so sick of myself. I'm not good enough to make anyone want me. I'm so alone. I should be bouncy and feel free and easy and i feel like a load of trash. It doesn't affect him not to see me because he doesn't really care. I shouldn't see him. I'm laying awake at night feeling alone, like until 3am yesterday. I'm dreaming about him and thinking about him and im sick of it. I'm sick of the fact that my ex left me 4 months ago and now this guy comes back into my life, has sex with me twice - obviously gets what he wants - and then backs off. I am of no use to him. He fits me in when he has a space and i just go running to see him. When i didn't text for 5 days I felt like hell and then gave in. He has time to see all these other people and i was just an easy lay and now he's got it out of his system. My ex didn't want me, and now this guy doesn't want me. Im so sick of it. Sick of me. Im fed up of being on my own and living up and down to such extremes. I don't need counselling or anti-depressants i just want to be able to support myself. Im so angry with him. He spends all weekends with no time for me but can see and hang out with so many other people. I need him more than he needs me. Why can't someone need me? Why did I suddenly become so unappealling? I had nothing to do last weekend and got nothing to do this weekend either. Do i get invited? Do i b0%$$ks. No. I can't do this. I can't feel this bad. This has been the worst summer ever. Im so low and so lonely and so desperate for people to want to be around me and they aren't. I push and push to be the happy one when im out and then im coming back to my home and feeling like its all wrong. Everything is just wrong. Why have i no dignity anymore? Why can't i see this T thing for what it is? I broke his heart - he used me when i was vulnerable after having my heart broken and is now satisfied that he can still get what he wants and that i can now suffer. I hate this world. I hate not being in love. I hate not having a big group of friends i feel i belong to. And i hate myself.

I'm still going. I gave in and text and he met up with me on Weds and said he would like to meet Fri - but is yet to text me so I dunno. We spent the day on Weds in the pouring rain which should have really angered me (esp as i have a cold coming) but i loved every moment of my day with him. This situation is sick, unless im a total egotistical moo then he feels as much for me as i do for him. You know when you look into someone's eyes and you just FEEL that something. But he won't act on it. Im doing my best not to be pushy - but sometimes little things slip out and I worry he's gonna get angry. Like he said that i was 'irresistible' and i raised an eyebrow and said 'well obviously not' and then it just went quiet. And then in the car on the way home we were stuck in a traffic jam and although i had work it just didn't stress me out at all - i realised how less stressy i am these days compared to way back when we used to see each other. I said something about being annoyed he ignored me for 5 days and he said 'well i thought i should leave stuff to sort of settle' and i said 'hun, we haven't seen each other in 2 years and it's still not settled so how is 5 days going to help?'.... to which he said 'i know that now' What am i doing? My mind is in such a state. I sit there watching him and walking alongside him feeling like im gonna scream or start punching stuff up in sheer frustration. I guess he's over it more because he got over me the first time round - but he isn't over it because otherwise he wouldn't still want to see me, he wouldnn't be annoyed with himself that he can't be flirty cos it hurts - but at the same time be willing to spend a 5 hour day with me and tell me I can come and see him when he moves. Im so cross with myself and with him. I feel that we would make such a good couple - we've grown in all the ways we could have and still click. I hate the idea that i have to wait until he or i finds someone else - i don't even think i could be with someone now...not someone thats not him. My standards are so high after being with such a horrid guy and he ticks all those boxes. I apparently tick his but he can't trust im not gonna leave him again. Im so gutted. Wish I could have facial surgery and then get him!!!!! Will he ever notice me and notice the good times and care we could have...can he get past the past...i want him to keep moving forward but with me at his side. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

No, no way. You did what you felt you had to do. In fact that was the best thing to do - you don't want to be at a funeral knowing you should be thinking about someone elses pain but instead just feeling insecure and then ending up thinking you are selfish. You didn't stop your daughter going - so there is no problem. I haven't been divorced - thank god - but i have been cheated on and dumped and when i see my boyfriends family it is a total trial. I feel awful and I can't even imagine what it would feel like to have a daughter with someone and then lose that persons father -- you have no choice but to remember him all the time etc. So back to point, I think you made the right decision. It was what you had to do. You didn't ruin the funeral, you didn't deny your daughter the right to go, and to be honest in most circumstances any excuse not to go to a funeral is a good one - you can feel terrible for a death but funerals sometimes seem to just add more pain. I really do think you were right. And it's done now so cannot be changed. You have obviously suffered enough with the divorce, why put yourself in to further self-conflict worrying about whether your choices are right - if they are right for you then so be it. At 14 your daughter will not necessarily understand your situation - but I can almost guarantee that one day she will understand it - at 14 you can't relate to the pain of losing a whole family (your ex's) and feeling crippled without them. But she will. Just try to be there for her, realise that she may put some of her grief on you, and that obv the divorce will have affected her. As I'm sure you know (dont mean to sound patronising). Try your hardest not to take too much to heart her actions towards you during her teenage years - the things I used to say and do to my Mother - phew man - but we are the best of friends now, as I think you two will be. Hold your head up - you stopped yourself feeling bad, you stopped your ex and his family having another thing to think about on top of their grief, and you still have the emotional where-with-all to feel worried you made the wrong decision. You're a good person, and you don't need to question your actions on this one. xx

Well day 5 and nada from him. not a sausage. great. hohum. not much to say - boring weekend - knew i should have made plans. he'll think about me again one day...but for now...obviously not. I had quite a high day today - dont quite know why. Perhaps staying in has given me a chance to think all the thoughts i can. Do find myself squeezing my eyes shut and thinking "come on T think about me think about me" it's gonna be the asylum soon if im not careful.