salmonhead_uk

Cheers guys. Though most ironically you both have seemed to show different opinions! Oh dear, just like my head then. I don't think i am ready. I ended up checking the ex's emails again. It's annoying me cos i just dont have the willpower not to do it once every few weeks. I hate him. Still talking to this woman that lives miles away, but i can't forget the things he said and the utter rubbish he's coming out with (and spelling wrong) on these emails. I know it should'nt matter but reading rude stuff about yourself is just hard to take, it makes me want to email her and tell her how it all really went down, but I'd never do it- I think that's a little extreme, when what I'm doing is already stalkerish. Thing is, I dont miss him. I truly don't. But I've never told him how much I hate him, just to get it off my chest at him. I always end up trying to boost his confidence (this is a couple of mnths ago, the last time we talked because he hadn't been paying stuff in my name - affecting my credit-rating). He's a total idiot, and he's fat and ugly. I just wish I'd told him what I think instead of trying not to think bad things...I still hold so much "that's not fair" inside me for countless things in the relationship. I just worry that I'll never get through them and move on to bigger and better things. I have, but my brain seems to take a step back now and again and see whether I can hurt myself - like an ex smoker just having the one. I hate even living in this area where there's a chance I might see him, he honestly deserves the biggest smack ever for his abusive behaviour and I wish I'd given it to him. Not cowered away. Okay, today's rant over. I'm off to see the 'friend' for a big long walk in the semi-rainy day with the dog and then for a roast, yum! xx

Hey all! I don't even know if this is the right place to post anymore. I'm feeling way better after the break up - it was 3 months ago now...I phased him out of my life, kept to NC, and it's worked. I still feel bad if I hear about him but I've also moved into different circles, started my career going. Everything is good. BUT!!!!!!! I still need help guys. I have been spending time with a male friend I've known since I was 12. We were in the same friendship group in school until 18 and then we went down separate paths. Met up once a year for catch-up. He's always liked me and I've always been in relationships with other people. His girlfriend, he found out 3 months ago, was sleeping with some other guy and living with him for their entire 10 month relationship. We've been kind of rebounding with no sex or lustful interaction - just admitting we'd rather call each other so we dont call them, that kind of stuff. then it's sort of changed dynamic. He met this ex-girl who came back begging for him. I was jealous but also hoping he'd do what was right for him and be happy. He wasn't sure what to do with her and didn't know if he could trust her again (as a friend, I like his other friends, counselled against getting back with someone like that). One night we kissed. Just stood and made out for about 20minutes. But I've been keeping my distance and saying we aren't ready for relationships and if I have one it needs to be with someone fresh not someone Ive known for my entire life of being old enough to date. Someone no-one knows. What is that about? I can't stand the idea that all my relationships (bar one) have been with 'boys' from the same year and school as me. Like I'm working through the class register. I know people that get married to people from school but it always seems embarrassing. I dont want to be with another person everyone knows and will laugh at me for being with. They all live in the same little area and stuff...i dunno. Right so, the issue...I have feelings for him. I'm scared and have told him and been honest. I WAS fearful of anything sexual, after my ex I couldn't perceive it as anything but disgusting. Now...well now I'm wanting to be with him like that, but I dont want to be a slag or a tease so nothing has happened...im so cold and distant he's lucky to get a hug out of me. That then changes my mood and i go really frustrated and confused...he's a really indepth emotional talker and i am, but i can't go down this conversation with him. And im not doing so well here. I really like this guy. I've known him for years. We've always had this thing but never gone there. He set himself this mission to prove that men can be good and caring and kind. He walked in the rain 6miles to my house, bought me a dvd, watched crap tv, makes me tea, rolls me cigarettes, lets me call at 4am if i want. We click well, we talk about 2 hours every day if not more. I'm desperatly trying not to see him too much so I can retain my independence but I'm finding it difficult. I think about him a lot and I get tense and frustrated because he's perfect. He makes me feel sooo much but its him...this boy from school turned into this hilarious, caring, interesting man. I really can't stand to get hurt again. I really cant stand for another guy to say he can cope with me not wanting more than friendship and then leaving me because they can't cope. but now i kissed him. And if he touches me its like electricity. Really powerful. I focus on what he says and his voice and im losing myself to it when i dont want to. So what am i to do? Why is this happening? Why can't i just be happy to feel this way and go with it or not, why must i keep asking why...im really confsued. Feel I might be turning away the most perfect guy I'll meet for silly reasons but can't seem to do anything else. Help guys. xx

You will be fine sweetheart, like you say, you're studying and you can find a job and it's probably the break you need from the ex to be honest - instead of walking into work remembering how you walked in after seeing him and stuff, and then over the days of the break-up walking in through those doors feeling bad, you'll walk into somewhere fresh and be someone new, you as you not as you with a boyfriend and then as someone who doesn't have a boyfriend (does that make sense). I had a good day (this is proof that the upsides come) I didnt get a job I went for but the HR manager told me to come back for an interview for a better job - my dream job as editorial assistant for a publishing company. Screw my ex and his call centre job, I'm gonna get this job and be amazing at it (next Tues I go so i'll let you know). I have got a wedding to go to this sat and instead of feeling sad that the ex wont be with me I'm actually looking forward to going as a single girl and seeing that it can happen - finding true love - and just dance about and have some wine. No-one to judge me on my partner, just me. Gonna be great! What else...one of my friends is flirting with me loads and it's making me a little uncomfortable - he's just come out of a relationship where the girl cheated, with another guy at the same time as him for 11months! Scandalous huh? She must have issues. It's nice to get attention but I'm finding it a bit scarey. Dont know whether to just have a fling or not. would rather not ruin the friendship. Still, looking at passing cars and wondering if the ex is in them, and now and again if i hear his name it makes me feel a bit funny, but other than that, onwards and upwards. And you will find a job you love this time - if you've got no financial NEED for one straight away be choosey, like you will for your next guy... xxx

Hey hun, I can totally sympathise. I didn't break up with my ex, but he didn't really break up with me. It was a horrid night of him crying and saying "what do we do?" and me in silence knowing that I had to give it up - i was losing myself, I was uncertain, he was ruining friendships I had with his jealous, I was ruining him in some respects because there was a lot of love just not a lot of empathy and care for one another. We learnt a lot of stuff from each other, we went through some terrible times together, but it wasn't enough to make him right for me or me for him. I couldn't get over his mistakes, the way he dealt with life, so different from my own. In the end I left his house, though he didn't want me to. My reasoning being that we couldn't even agree on being together or not, and that seemed my cue to leave. How would we ever move 10years down the line and deal with the big stuff? Wouldn't happen. We are exactly the same age, you and I, so I know what you mean about worrying whether you'll find anyone to be in love with again. I know I've had past boyfriends that I was with for 2 years upward and that after these I found other people. If I am honest of COURSE we'll find love. We will. Like that amazing inspirational post you wrote when a little tipsy (see I remember it!) we will. We are so young. The thing is that I am not ready to be in love. I am tired of it all. I know my heart and thoughts are still with him, thought I still feel he doesn't deserve it (he's desperatly trying to get with a 30 year old that lives 2 hours away from him), but I know that for all the special moments and the joy of companionship I just can't do it yet. I dont want to go forth and find someone, it'd feel like a farce. I'm busy getting myself back. I mean, horrible as it is, since the split I've found out that I have soooo many friends, that I can get along with anyone, that I dont need to take * * * * off of people as previous. My career is looking up, I've finished my degree, I've salvaged old friendships and made new. The future is bright. But, when I'm bored, I tend to wallow in the past - which is why I come here. He was not the one for me or it'd be working. We used to argue and break up every weekend, he was not on my wavelength - when we started I thought we'd work well for one another, him the chilled out pot-smoker me the stressy student, but it didn't. He didn't want his world turned upside down by someone else that pushed too hard for him to ever go along with. So, I have dreams about him, I have been ignoring calls from him, emails, he doesn't want me. I clarified this by dropping all my pride and asking for a final go. I dont know why i did this - a month ago. But i think it was the desperation to be wanted again. Thankfully he didn't want me back. I say thankfully because I'm more of a real person now, not a partner and an underdog. It's so hard though. It's been 3 months. 1 since we had sex again and I got badly hurt. I can't help disliking him and I dont want to because I dont think it's healthy. He's just something I have to avoid. I dont want to be in pain, it's better than it was - miles better. this is what I keep reminding myself, a little while ago I was devestated from sun-up to sun-down, now he figures in my mind in a bittersweet ache. Soon that will go too. Keep strong hun. It was an experience and will be of use. If your anything like me one minute you dont even think of it, the next you are obsessed with the thoughts. Hold tight. It will pass. xxxxxxx

No idea why but I have this rose-tinted spec mood on today. Probably because I spent ages fending off calls and texts from the ex yesterday, I had sent him an email to explain I'd written to mobile company (long story on another thread - tying up loose ends that are in my financial name basically) and would contact him when they respond. He obviously didn't get it because he spent all day trying to ring and leaving voicemails and texts with kisses. Worst thing is i know he is only doing this because he wants his mobile to work again so he can contact this new woman he met who has already said she lives too far away for it too work, and she's 10years older than him, he sounds so desperate...he's told so many lies about how long we've been apart and how awful it was for him (though that might be true), how he can 'get the train' up to see her, how she's the 'icing on the cake after so much pain'...it's been 3 months, that seems like no-where near enough time! But I guess he wants to be loved, or he likes her a lot, who knows? So then today a song from an album I bought right when we first were getting together came on and BAM I was remembering doing him a copy and getting this text saying about he wanted to shout from the rooftops about how much he loves me and he's so scared, and that he's listening to the song. I remember being really uncertain as I hadn't known him for long, but I kept that message for ages. Now I see him doing it to another girl (she seems like me - flattered by a bit disturbed by it) and it's just made me feel a bit poop. Horrid to be transported to when he WANTED me so much he'd say anything, call me regularly, be sweet, now it's all gone. It went a long time ago I know, but just today, I'm thinking about how if he'd stayed like that it would have worked, how that was what i needed. Now I know it's just little boy passion that gives way to lust only after a while and then there's no substance. What a shame. do you know I used to wear his damn hat everyday to uni with me just to make me feel like he was there with me. And he wrote little love notes on his palm, photographed them and sent them to me...if only that outweighed his evil side. sorry guys, it took A LOT out of me to NOT go see him, not answer the calls or texts and stick with the email I sent only, and I expected to suffer a little. Humpf.

That's cool then. Just be careful. Really careful. You can't pick up the pieces for her now. I had a friend like this, a female friend, and to be honest, there are usually reasons why people can't deal with those types, they will turn, they will wear you out, and you can't, CANNOT, save everyone in this world. But i think it shows real beauty in your soul for trying (oh, i sound like a hippy!) Take care, keep posting, even if you feel you are repeating yourself, this place is fantastic for helping. Try and keep smiling chick x

This post kicks * * *! I love that you can write that. Isn't it great when those moods come on. It is so right, so beautifully written and EXACTLY what I needed to read. Rounds of applause from all sides. You're a great lass, you'll do fine. xx

Hey proman, hope you don't mind me butting in as NJRon is doing such a great job. I just want to forward a different idea. I dont want you to beat yourself up because you are gonna do what you're gonna do and you will learn at your own pace. But personally, stay away from her. This will or could go on and on with her getting to have you there at the ready for when she's needing her insecure ego massaged and you worrying and fretting. It's so difficult - I did it for the first couple of months after break up. But then something clicked in my head and I realised I was more important than my ex. He had dumped me. My life is still right here, and now because i felt the same after a few calls (bored, without the relationship aspect there wasn't much friendship, and great relationships require being great friends, I wasn't that attracted to him, it was attention and safety I missed etc., and going it alone is scarey at times) but I've stopped it. I had to. I wanted to. You will get to a place where you want to as well, and I think you need to force yourself there. What is the point of letting her go away thinking, "i can feel valid in my decision, he can't be that hurt, I will smile and feel good about myself" because you allowed her to still be a part of your life? What do you get out of this? You end feeling like hell, second guessing her, yourself, where you should go, how you should sound (I say this cos I've done it, not trying to suggest I'm any better). It's not on. What she is doing is not on. It seems to be the tendency that women dump men and then want affection back, want to be wanted again, and push them into a horrid situation that messes with their minds. Men (generalising, dont go mad guys) tend to be done with it and stay done. They dont drag men through hell with false needs for attention (except mine...but I'm wise to it). You deserve way better than her. all this care and affection you obviously have within you, all these people who miss you at your old work and your pals, and she DISSES you! That's not a friend. That's just bitter and self-obsessed. She wants to be the victim as has been said before. You don't want to text this person. you dont want to call her. For now because it only valids her belief that she is right to have you in her life however she chooses, and hopefully later because the rose-tinted ex glasses will fall off and you'll see that she isn't the "one". You're 22, I'm 23, Im nervous I'll never find anyone else, but I'd rather that than pamper my ex's ego. She denied you had a relationship?! You want to hang and watch films with this person? NO! You don't. Not if you are being rational. It kills, it hurts, I know it does. My ex of a year ago (had been going out for 2 years) hurt me by cheating. I've never seen him again. I KILLED. But I stayed away. Totally. I never answered his calls...if he wanted me how I had wanted him he'd be leaving voicemails saying "I want to get back with you" and I could deal with that then. but I didn't have to be on beck and call for him, and you dont for her hun. You really dont. The ringing phone with the ex's number is a killer...I can ignore the phone if it's a friend i dont wanna talk to cos im busy, or a relative, but the flashing phone with their name on it - WELL the heart rate increases, you wonder, you worry, you try and stay cool you try and say the things that make you sound like you dont care. But you DO. And for as long as you do, that person is out of bounds. stay away. She is not your friend. She is not good for you. She is done. And a year down the line I can honestly say that guy doesn't bother me now. I couldn't care less if he called or not. Because I let the wound heal. You keep ripping it open you will lose your dignity and who will help you? She won't! She's the bloody cause! So...please, get it into your head that you must stay away. Dont answer the calls, or emails, unless you hear what you wanna hear (and in this case I think you already know it's over don't you?). We are all here suffering too. But it dies gradually if you make a DECISION. The decision is...there is more to life than worrying about her sorry * * *. Take care hun, hope that didn't sound rude. I think you are doing great but your falling into her trap and you MUST extricate yourself, for you, for the next girl that is perfect and talks politics... Trust me.

I hate you because I can't stand to love you again. It's sickening and tiring. I never thought about you this much when we were together - why was this, because you were so beneath me. You have no aspirations, other than to be in a rock band...so sorry, but it'll never happen. People kick you out of bands because you are TERRIBLE on your instrument. Pot is not a form of chilling, its an escape. You cannot blame me for your paranoia and insecurities, you'd get over it if you loved someone, and you love no one but yourself...and if yourself you hate. Everyone can see it. That's why you have 4 friends from you past, because you are not a "loveable c*&t" as you described yourself, your just the second word. People see nothing in you. Women are attracted to you because you are tall and silent, that's it. You get behind it and there's nothing there. Nothing at all...some half arsed attempt to have interests in politics, but this is all opinion you gained from tv. You never supported me. My Dad was sick and possibly dying of cancer and all you cared about was whether you'd get a lift, whether me being capable of socialising with all your friends was me flirting...no no dearest, that's just a bright mature young woman who doesn't see people as a big pair of genitals. I was always too clever for you. You made me question myself and my life and manipulated me because you did not love me for what I was. You at first said I glowed, then when you realised I would glow brighter than you could even dream of you wanted to dampen my light. I told people I would dump you as soon as my degree was over. I told people I knew it was never a long term thing. I was embarrassed to introduce such an inarticulate, uneducated waster to my friends. You are so lazy...you can't drive, you can't move out of home, you have your baths run by your MOTHER...your nearly 25...what on earth???! I hate that you got to touch me or have sex with me. I should never have let you. I'm too good for you. It sounds egotistical and it is. Because since you disappeared my life has opened up in more ways than you can imagine, I aced those exams, I found social circles I had been avoiding because I feared your jealousy and the hassle. I was tired every weekend because you'd drag me out of clubs and whinge at me, check my phone, cause me so much harm...when all I deserve is good. You are such a sad man. You crave attention and any woman with any independence (ie. not a replica of your mother) will seriously despise you. You are a child. You are not deep. Silence is not deepness, it's dullness. You have become fat, and since cutting your hair you look awful. You need to learn to respect the world and stop being scared of being outside your comfort zone. Get some real problems and then see how you handle stress. Because the stuff I was dealing with was not going to be solved by smoking drugs and hiding away. I face life head on, and I never want to have to face you again, you are not worth it. Go kiss and molest other women, you know why I dont? Because it'd be sooooo easy. You dont think I know i intimidate you? I am beautiful, i know this, if i wanted to go to some grubby club and find anyone I could, but im about more than that. I dont need to prove myself ot you anymore, think what you want, think im the reason for all your insecurities, then think the same about the next girl. Stay in your small little world and keep the hell out of mine. I am SICK to death of your name, your face, your dragging around in my head. Just get out, go away, curl up and die.

Hey sweetheart, I'm a newbie in that I haven't been here in a year. but this really helped me the first time round. Just keep talking about it, do things for yourself, and be prepared to have some rough times. We all do. Dont question it, just realise you will feel like hell. I found no contact worked with my past ex - i never spoke to him again and it wouldn't bother me to see him now. But the current ex, well, on top of the hell i had last year moving on, he's really hurt me, i guess is a nasty person. Doesn't see why we shouldn't contact each other once ever month, but only if he's bored and only if he wants money or attention. See my post: unfortunately i have to meet him to sort money and i really dont want to. It's the last thing I want to do. I can't lose myself in his rubbish again and I will. Getting better and better and then he calls and i feel like hell. Just stay the hell away. Trust me. xxxx

THIS IS HUGE AS IT HAS A BIG BACKLOG OF STUFF...IM SORRY GUYS. please read! Well, I haven't been here in a while! My how it's changed! Looking very funky. So...I don't know what my problem is. I went out with a total control freak for 8 months. My father got cancer, I was in my last year of uni, and he was horrid to me - the boyf not my dad! He couldn't drive so I drove everywhere, he got fired and remained unemployed for 6 months. He owes me a lot of money. a lot. Its been 2 months since we broke up and I have to see him again as his phone contract is in my name, and typically he is havng problems paying it, I need it swapped into his name and so we have to be together. We met after 5and a half weeks no contact by mistake - both at same gig of a friends - and we ended up sleeping together. Me wanting to sort it out (would have been a big mistake) and him not. Then we have avoided each other for another 5 weeks. I have had a lot of good things happen since he left, finished uni (we broke up right before my exam finals - he is that selfish), got great results, got job interviews for my dream career, and have felt more free, bubbly, more friends than in ages. YET, now I have to see him, and yesterday had to talk to him, I feel awful. I woke up with that sick feeling you get after you've just broken up. I can't stand the idea of seeing him. He not only made a complete fool out of me nearly every weekend for 8 months, he tried to destroy my self-esteem, put down all the things about me that I consider good, just really hurt me, but the had sex with me afterwards and acted like a total jerk about it. I even ended up round there trying to chat to him face to face and nearly begging him to go back out with me. I dont know why...we were never suited, i have all these dreams and aspirations that he thinks of as STRESS, this is because he smokes a lot of weed, listens to reggae and presumes that life has to be that way or you are a horrid person. The worst is that I read his emails. I told him to please change the password because i knew it and he couldn't (he says he doesn't know how...this is the amount of laziness we are dealing with here) and I saw emails from a woman he met when he went away for the weekend. She is 30 to his 24 and obviously very bright and outgoing, feel bad for her because she sounded like me and he'll totally annoy her, but that's for her to find out. He'd written that his ex was really bad, she didn't cheat, although he wasn't sure, but that she was " a real drain on the soul"...never have I felt my stomach lurch like it did then. How RUDE! I know i know..it's taught me not to look again before you tell me off. But this guy....oh my god...this guy, read my diary (was angry because since having depression a few years ago I put all my negative self thoughts in there and he didn't like it, didn't see why I'd write such things but he used them against me by saying "why do you think no-one likes you, because youare a piece of xxit". He hid outside my workplace to see if I was getting with guy friends. He demanded lifts and if I was out socialising with my friends (which happened VERY rarely) and wouldnt come he'd go mad. Once my battery on my phone died so he just rang my friends phone and kept on shouting! He demanded I delete certain numbers off of my phone. He demanded more attention when i had work due in, and couldn't fathom why i would have male friends at all. He'd tell me I was fat. He'd demand I leave the HOSPITAL and come to meet him when Dad was ill. He told me if I moved away for my career he wouldn't stay with me. He was horrible to me, totally vile. However I've never been able to be rude to him. I didn't want to break up when we did (he cried and cried at me and couldn't say the words, just wanted me to sleep there with him because he felt bad all that rubbish, so i left) only 2 weeks before my uni finals. Ever since I've felt like that saddest woman on earth. He is so uninterested in me and how well life goes for me and now he's using me as an excuse to pull new women after only 2 months. I dont want to see him because he always manages to upset me. He's so dull, and we have nothing in common, he's not THAT attractive to me and never was, but he's still messing in my head. Feel like I can't get up and dust myself off because he's hanging around in there. The last time I was on this site I had been cheated on by my boyf of 2 years, I got over that in 6 months, but that was by never speaking to him again and getting on with life. Now, well, I feel I can't get away from this guy. We share friends from way back at 17 and everyone has a little story about him. I truly feel I hate this bloke. But I can never stick up for myself and tell myself that he's not worth thinking about. Help! Advice, tell me I'm normal!!!!!!!

Thank you for your words. You are right about karma and yes, i think im being the kind of girl i always despised. All that you've said seems very honest and it is good to gain a bit of perspective on what I look like from the outside. Thank you. I will stop being so callous and attention-seeking, and I TOTALLY see the point with lists of ideals - ultimately there isn't one is there?! There's just ideal when it happens. I'm going to stop worrying about how much I hurt and try and think about the potential hurt I am causing to others.

Ok, very harsh - but very fair. Except for a few points - I have not had sex with any of these people, I never have done a one night stand and dont ever intend to. Next - it wasn't just me and my friend that I club hopped for another guy - there were 5 of us in one club and the rest of the 'group' in the other - i pushed to go to the other club because I knew the guy I liked was there but i certainly didn't force my friend who was leaving to stand around alone while i went off acting the harpy! My past relationship I was very much in love with him, and after 2 years he cheated and then broke up with me (i was so desperate to be with him I would have carried on going with it)...it's still not properly subsided and I haven't had contact in 5 months now because it serves only to hurt me. Alcohol is not an excuse for kissing that guy you are right. What I think it is is that I wouldn't kiss any of my other male friends because I know how much they like me and that it would mess them up and I dont' want to be some kind of tease of lose them, BUT with B (the friend at the club we ended up in) I dont' feel I will stand to lose much if it all goes wrong. I'm not fearful it will lead into anything serious. So I'm playing at it aren't i? And that's wrong of me. Hence writing here - i know I seriously need to stop messing my head and other peoples heads around.... but i am because im lonely i guess. And i keep wanting to just be me for a while but all the world ever talks about is finding men and it wears me down. I do have a couple of female friends - and I find them just as confusing...always on the hunt for love never just chilling. It's hard. But I appreciate that I've started drinking more regularly as an excuse to be off my face for a while and it's playing havoc with me.

Hey all! I need somewhere to write this stuff down. Dont' think there's any advice but I'll take any you can think of. I dont know where to begin. After my ex and I broke up 5 months ago I've been gradually getting myself back up together. Part of this process involved seeing some people who were my best friends 4 years back and we all immediatley clicked again and have been hanging out religiously for a few weeks now. However, the primary problem is that they are all guys I went to school with. Great, and fun, but now the two guys who stopped wanting to hang out with me 4 years ago cos they liked me and didn't like me being with my (now) ex are now turning on the pressure again. They are both best friends but quite happily trying to get in my 'pants' to coin a phrase. I've explained that I don't want anything with them - and then I let my guard down when drunk and kissed one of them - thus setting off a whole chain of events whereby I have to keep saying 'I can't be serious' and he acts like it's fine but i know it isn't really because it equates to leading him on and is driving a wedge between all three of us being friends, and I can tell he really likes me but I just can't see it happening - I don't want it to happen. I worry that it is my ex issues that are stopping me being able to be with this guy I keep kissing when drunk. I don't find him REALLY attractive though and he is great, but none of the things that I want in a boyfriend - it may sound cruel and that's why I worry that I have issues about needing someone more intelligent, or different looking - and that that is because I am still not ready after the ex or that it IS just the case I don't like this guy enough. But regardless I feel deflated and devestated today. Everyone takes stuff with such a pinch of salt - oh just be with him - but I just want friends. I can't cope with the idea of being soley one person's partner anymore (or maybe I could if he was the right one?)and after various catastrophes to my confidence these last few months I can't face the idea of having sex with anyone yet. As I become more and more sober I start to feel really self-conscious, in fact when kissing him I feel trapped inside my own thoughts - it's like polite kissing. Then today my closest oldest friend moved away to a place 2 hours away. I ruined our night because I dragged us from one club all the way to another to see this guy I'm now wishing I'd never gone near. And i miss my mate so much and he won't even know that now because i hardly saw him last night. He's such a dear friend, had depression too, and hasn't had a girlfriend in years because he doesn't seem to be able to face it - like i am now, and he's gone....and he had to put up with all the angry poutings of the two best friends vying for my attention with one another. I have only had 1 hours sleep so maybe it's that. Maybe it's drinking as much as I have been recently - it always used to aggravate my depression, so it would make sense. But I feel totally crippled. I'm scared of my last year at uni, I'm scared I will never find love, I'm scared of who are my real friends and wondering just how many will come and go. I can't stop crying - and I was like this last weekend. I'm in a total state. I feel so low and so lonely and so helpless. And I can't talk to anyone about it because they are all involved. Am I depressed? Am I just getting the typical nearly finished with education fears of getting a job? Am I ever going to just be normal? What do I even want? I just want to be happy, and I was doing so well until these last few weeks and then it's all gone downhill...kissing this bloke making me feel pressured? My issues with depression have always been with regards to feeling like i have no real friends - that's why im worried it's coming back again. Why do I worry when i know so many people and they think im fun and chilled and they chat to me, but im so tired of being me at the moment. God I want my friend not to have moved away.

Just read other posts and realised that although I never did the psycho-ex thing to him (well after the first 2 weeks) i still feel like iv lost all dignity. That someone knows you want them and they can have the dislike for you to not want you back after 2 years inyour life - what does that say about you? You can't be worth much. I wish i had the bottle to be a psycho-ex to feel I am allowed to be in his life, but i dont. Im to fearful to even try and talk to him - i cant take the pain it causes so quickly. why do i have to question my every move - can't i even find this positive. I tried for 2 weeks - sent him a letter - he said it was over - and i gave up. It hurt like hell but i gave up...so why do i feel like a loser? I had no social life when i was with him i just tagged around after him. I have a life with many friends now, i have my degree, i have sex appeal, i have my dance classes, im back on track with a family i used to avoid due to feeling i had to be with his, i have a job with friends i enjoy...im doing great. so why am i so desperate to show HIM that. It shouldn't matter. I don't want a good life just so if he ever finds out about me i seem like im great...i just want a great happy life. How do i let it go? there has to be some way...this is silly. im tired of it. tired of looking to others for love and support when im an only child and should depend on me like i always have done. Im sorry guys, i really want to just click this rubbish away from my brain, do you think I'll be better when i get back at uni and have stuff to do?