kaboom1218

Danimal, Well, I've definitetly made it clear that I'm open and responsive to him. Maybe a bit too much. I have one foot in the trap that he set with the daughter, as opposed to all of me, but I was still reeled back in. I guess since our situation wasn't the most hopeless, I was very willing to talk to him again, since that's all I wanted in the first place. He's open to communicate, but doesn't do much initiating. So, I'm not giving much more. I suggested I could come down next weekend for the 4th, since his daughter will be there then. We'll see. I sense hesitation and bit of power struggling going on, which I don't have time for. I moved on w/my life once and would rather not revisit the past. That's one benefit of going through it once; it's very easy to go back to life w/o them. Benevolent(good name), I agree about including the kids if his intentions are shady or he's unsure is wack. And he definitely got me back where he wants, but not really. I've made it clear we are pretty much starting over again and nothing's guaranteed. I just want honesty and openness; Good luck w/that! I want them in my life, but I'm unwilling to comprise my sanity and well-being. Let me go already, if you don't want a part of it. Be gone, Limbo Jimbo! Detox, I never really grovelled or begged him back. I requested a conversation and stated my feelings, but that was it. You shouldn't have to persuade someone to do something. They will when they are good and ready, but by then it's usually too late. The time frame is never guaranteed. He waited 3 months before contacting me as opposed to 3 weeks. But expect potentially some months to pass and by then hopefully you'll be stronger and on to bigger and better things. Just try to focus on yourself and recovery. And if things ended really sourly or under negative circumstances, you may not want them back anyhow. So, I'm struggling like the rest of us, but have found my center again and the strength to face whatever comes my way. If anyone has insight, that would be great, because the main lingering thing in my mind is whether he's just tryin' to straddle the fence or if he's just taking some time to readjust and find a comfortable place, like me. Holla... Peace

Hey All, I've posted on here several times, but for once can offer some rather good news. On a side note, was it just me freakin' out when the server was down for a couple of days? I was like, O M' God! Was it a dream or illusion? Say it isn't so! Enotalone can't be gone! But the site came back w/a slightly different appearance. I'm sure those of you who really needed advice felt that way. Now, onto the purpose of my post. You can read some of my previous posts for more info, but in jest, my ex and I had a bad argument about 3 months ago almost to the day of our 6 month anniversary (I love these icons) and he was ghost and pretty much dropped off the face of the earth. I attempted to contact him, not to beg or plead, but just to talk and come to some conclusion. He totally cut himself off and never replied. We did talk on-line at one point and he said he'd call, but never did. Big surprise! So thanks to the great advice on here, I decided to start NC, which was hard as hell, but somethin I knew I had to do. So about a month and 1/2 passed and low and behold who sent me an elusive e-mail about his daughter missing me? So that reopened Pandora's box and I was snatched back into that world. So after a few communications back and forth and a lot of uncertainty, we started to talk things out for the first time and it was really positive. He expressed some of his feelings and so did I, but in a very non-accusatory manner. We both apologized and indicated feelings were still there. But neither of us wants to get back together necessarily, because we still have issues to tackle that broke us up in the first place and there is physical distance between us. So I say all that to attest to the power of NC and that especially if there aren't negative or extenuating circumstances, they are missing you and thinking about you and even if they don't come back, you will be so much better off after regaining your self-esteem and control of your life. It allows you to see that you could live with or without them, offers clarity about what you really need and that you don't need them as much as you thought. So you'll be fine either way. Even if something negative occurs and they bail, there is still H.O.P.E. We may never reconcile, but at least I know me backing off made him miss me and realize he needed to contact me and the lines of communication are open. It's like folks can always sense when you're finally through with them or are moving on and then it's like POOF, they're back! And my situation definitely felt hopeless, but anything is possible. So take heed to all of the current or recovering heartachaholics. Good Luck and remember NC, be strong and keep your head up! Peace

I disagree with Ingrid, Ash. If you're still checking this post, I feel that separation or not, his devotion to you was really tested here and he failed. And it would be bad enough if he just slept w/someone, but also contracted something and passed it on to you, which shows his lack of regard for himself and you. And to then lie about it? Come on! I know it's difficult, but maybe the separation needs to be implemented again to really determine if you can live w/someone who has such little regard for your health and feelings. I know a child is involved, but is it worth both of you suffering just to keep a family that your husband never seemed to regard very highly? And what will guarantee he won't do it again? And it's very naive to assume he didn't contract this from some average girl vs. a prostitute. That's why STDs are so rampant. They are considered by some to only affect addicts and prostitutes. NOT TRUE! He could have contracted it from someone he has dealt w/on more than one occasion and could still be dealing with. I had a similar experience and could not bounce back from it. Once the trust is damaged, it's really hard to regain. So do what's best for you and your child. There are plenty of men out there who would treat you and value you more than him. Hope everything works out. Peace

Hey Peachy, You should remove the negative associations from your name and just leave it at that, cuz life can be peachy if you let it. It does sound like you're suffering from depression and I've been there. St. John's Wort is a good organic, herb that is supposed to improve moods w/o the scary and unpredictable side effects of synthetic anti-depressants. Otherwise, I agree to talk to someone; whether it be family or your boyfriend. And maybe start with that. It sounds like you do have a network of loved ones, so try to focus on them. I'm assuming you're in school or graduating. Focus on attaining a higher degree, joining some clubs, picking up some hobbies or whatever may expose you to more people with common interests while improving some areas of your life. I know sometimes it's hard to fit in, but as you said, if you just act yourself, there will be those who love you for you. Tell the others to bite the big one! JJ. Keep ya head up! Peace

Sadness, that poem was the bomb! Your name should be Talent_Creeping; you should feel sadness no longer! I didn't even know you'd replied until I searched all of my posts. That's a good way to keep on top of responses since you may never know who responded. Yeah, Lots Of Vulnerable Emotions was very spontaneous, but seemed to say it all. I'm very touched and flattered that it inspired you to write a poem; thanks for giving credit where credit was due too. It's also scary our poetry styles are similar. I'll post one of my pieces later that I wrote bout the recent ex. and Trojan, keep your head up. That goes for everyone! I just love my enotalone homies. Peace

8)

Mistake, sorry

Hi...Thanks for all of the responses. I am trying to keep it light and not put too much emphasis on the situation. But it's hard when it seems like he has cracked open the door, but only enuf for me to fit one foot in. If he's gonna just take baby steps and be elusive, then I'd rather he stay gone. I do appreciate him letting me know about his daughter, even if that is all I find out, so I should let that be the focus and leave it at that. It's really hard, because I feel on the verge of really telling him how I feel and that if he continues to act unsure, I will make up his mind for him. Has anyone dealt with anyone who acts unsure finally come around and at least have a friendly association with them? I just doubt that things will improve and not backslide. Anyhow, I guess NC worked for me to an extent, but he is still very vague and indefinite about the situation. I think it's a wrap guys. But so be it. If he can't make up his mind, he doesn't deserve any part in my life anyhow. Peace

Thanks for the additional replies. I'm definitely not using the daughter as an excuse to reconcile w/her father. I can process them both on different levels. He is the one that came to me and brought her into the equation, so to me, that means he would at least like to see me. Unless, that's all he was contacting me to say, which I doubt. Do you think he's using her as an ice breaker to get back in or is he finally struck w/a bit of understanding and compassion? If so, why has he waited 3 months to do so? I'm not tryin' to overanalyze the situation, but I never knew when I'd hear from him again and since he's approached me w/the safer subject of his daughter, I have to determine how to proceed and knowing his intentions would help. Anyway, if anyone might be able to surmise his reasoning, that would help. Peace

Hey Guys, Thanks for the replies. I'm really stuck right now and don't know how to proceed. I want to see her of course and possibly have a friendly association w/him, but as some of you've said, nothing is guaranteed and I might be opening myself up for more disappointment and pain. And I don't want to confuse the daughter, though it seems like my absense has been as hurtful to her too. So, do you think I should just cut my losses? I had just, I mean, JUST, taken her pictures down finally which was really saddening and right after that point he decides to finally contact me. Or should I at least try to see her or set up a meeting? What should I say to him? Any additional thoughts would really be appreciated. It's like the difficulty never ends, it just shifts. Peace

Well, Idiot Man, as we'll call him, finally contacted me after almost 3 months of no contact. (Read prior posts for original question) And I guess it's so ironic that he finally contacts me about his daughter the same week I post a message on here about her. He basically said that he had no right contacting me after all of these months, but he couldn't deny his daughter's request to say 'hi' to me. And that she's asked about me practically every week and that I've impacted her life. Can you believe this mess? No apology or mention of how he's kept me hangin' all of these months after I made numerous attempts to contact him. Just don't acknowledge me, but mention your daughter cares about me more than you ever could or could show? So what do ya'll think? I believe I can separate the 2 and see her w/o really having much of an association w/him. I would like to see her periodically and feel that's not too out of the question. But maybe that's all he wanted to say, but I feel he has alterior motives and why contact me now and tell me she's been asking bout me? Please give your thoughts. I would appreciate it. Peace

I agree Mun...It's about time someone brought some laughter and happiness to the sight. The sun WILL come out tomorrow. Peace

Hey Eatz, It's nice to see that I'm not the only one afraid to be vain! That's great that you have discovered the release and entertainment of viewing yourself and appreciating how good you can look and feel. It's great to have an ego-boost when someone has tried to knock you down a peg or 2. Can't give up that power! So come on everyone--jump aboard the Vain Train! Ha! Peace

Hey Trojanmn, How bout you draw some strength from your screenname and be a warrior and crusader against the heartbreakers? A couple parts of your post rang familiar to me. My relationship lasted almost 6 months and there really wasn't any closure. He just totally removed himself from the situation and me. I sometimes think I want to discuss it once and for all, so that I can move on. But w/or w/o the final conversation, you will need to move on, so hearing it from them shouldn't make it easier. In fact, it may be harder, because they probably won't say what you want to hear. You need to take the horse by the reigns and say I will not accept this treatment and if they don't even give the courtesy of communicating and coming to some type of resolution w/their supposed loved ones, then they're not worth it. Read the posts in the breaking up section and that will definitely help. It's empowering that so many others are struggling and in the same boat as you. Take care and be strong. Peace

Hey QT, Thanks for the props. I figure sometimes you have to have a unique approach to situations to get results. And seeing how many issues folks are having w/heart-break on here, I knew this would offer a different spin. Anyway, others feel free to give input and let me know how this works for you if you try it. Btw, I'm sorry to hear bout your monkey problem QT. I hate when that happens!!! Peace

Hon, you may be a teenager, but you seem wiser beyond your years and each of us can learn from each other no matter what the age. I wish my "ex" who is probably almost twice your age could be half as mature as you. I am trying to be strong, but I keep having moments where I want to vent or send him a webcam short(read my most recent post) to remind him what he's lost. But, oh well, for now I'll be strong. And hopefully, things will improve for you as well. Sounds like you're on the right path to moving on. Thanks for your advice Candian. Peace

Ok...I'm not tryin' to overdue posting on here, but I guess as things come to mind, I'll put them out there. Tonight, I discovered what I feel is a great tool in regaining your self-esteem and appreciation of yourself after a breakup has diminished it to some degree. I have a web cam, which I hardly use, but tonight it dawned on me to make a video and see how it came out. I know I'm a sexy beast, but wasn't sure how it would relay on cam. Needless to say, I look HOT! I put on a lil' skimpy top and shorts and proceeded to flirt w/the camera, dance and prance about the room and watching the recording really reinforced that I am the woman and anyone would be crazy not to love and accept me if I was willing to share myself with them. For those that don't have a camera, I've looked in the mirror and spoken positive affirmations about my strengths and abilities and what I deserve. I suggest you try it and will most likely experience a well-deserved ego boost. Even if you feel low and find it difficult, maybe start w/one of your best features or one thing that you like most about yourself. I'm even tempted to send one of my clips to my "ex" just to remind him what he's missing and ruined the chances of getting again. Oh, well. That's probably not the best idea, but it might make me feel better. Try it and let me know how it goes. Peace

Good One! I feel you on that one. Get that monkey off your back and burn it for good!

That is really deep! So sad on the other hand. Does it have a literal meaning, as in you really lost a child or is it more symbolic? Either way, thanks for sharing.

Thanks so much for the insight, guys. Vital coaching, your name is so appropriate, because you offered some to me now. It was cool of you to respond, Kuhl. I've read other posts by you and you always offer great advice. I know I have to let go of the situation and everything involved, but I must admit that her absense hurts the most. I'm not gonna let it get me down. I have so much going for me and to be thankful for. Since you all have such great advice to offer, have you been successful in love since your the past failures we must all experience before getting it right? I just wondered if those that give such sound advice apply it in their own lives. Holla.

I have yet to see someone with a similar predicament, but I'm sure someone out there has experienced it to some degree. In short, my unofficial "ex" and I haven't spoken in almost 3 months. We had a big fight and he has yet to try to contact me. I tried to contact him several times to no avail, which is fine; I realized it wasn't the best thing for either of us. But I just don't appreciate how he handled it, by totally avoiding the situation and cutting me off so callously. The biggest dilemma and tragedy is I bonded with his 4 yr. old daughter and I feel bad that I have been so abruptly removed from her life. We were cautious at first about me meeting her for this very reason, but we both thought enough time had passed. So, I'm just wondering how has anyone dealt with the loss of not one, but 2 important people? She and I had such fun together and a great connection that I know she doesn't have with everyone. I know there's not much to do, but just wondered how to approach the situation. I would LOVE to see her again, moreso than her father, as she did nothing wrong and is more loyal at her age than he could ever be. I did leave him a message saying I missed her and hoped to see her again, but he never really responded. Oh well, I guess it's an unfortunate downside of breaking up, but it would be nice to see her every now and then. Don't think that would do anymore damage than being snatched from her life. I know she's asked about me. What to do, What to do After her father left me blue?

Hey all, I am on the other side of the "break-up" fence. Or at least the dumpee or one left hanging. My situation is very similar, scarily so, to yours, Candian. My "ex", or whatever he is, and I were together almost 6 months. There were a series of issues, including distance(we also lived about 2 hrs. apart) and lack of communication on important matters. I guess that's why I should have seen it coming; we had a big fight and he bailed on me. I tried to contact him several times and he has yet to respond or contact me other than a few sparse lines on IM. I completely understand that we may need time or space or to consider other options, but he didn't even give me the courtesy of a final word or resolution. I at least commend Candian for saying something, even if it wasn't what his girl wanted to hear. I haven't contacted him in weeks and am trying to stick to it. But I feel like I need to express how I don't appreciate how he handled the situation to get it off my chest and leave it at that. I know we can't be together now and I'm not trying to get him back. But he at least owed me some type of closure instead of totally cutting me off. I mean, strangers show more common courtesy than those who claim to love us. He probably felt like you Candian--talking to me would have stirred up emotions he wasn't ready to address and he also probably feels guilty about his actions, but doesn't want to face that either. Do you think telling him what he already knows will be worth it to me in the long run or should I just stick to NC indefinitely? Also, I disagree with an earlier post. If you're the dumper, you shouldn't expect the other person to fight for you. If you are the one who changed the dynamic of the relationship or quit them, you should be the one to go and pursue them if anything. They shouldn't have to do all of the work. Any comments or suggestion would be great. Thanks, K Lots Of Vulnerable Emotions--Who Needs It Anyway?

This will help jump-start you in the right direction. Also, I agree w/some of the other posts that say maybe you weren't really in-love, just in-love w/the idea of love or being in a relationship. Because sometimes it does take longer to "fall" and also, if it's not mutual, it's really hard to call it love I think. Well, just read my earlier post and hope that helps

This article, by Dr. Kate, is invaluable and I mean INVALUABLE for those tryin' to forget their exs and pain that is attached to those memories or those who have any other unproductive thoughts. This helped me last year when I was going through an ordeal and can use it now, since I'm in a similar boat, to my disgust. Check it out and hope it helps. I feel that this is a small contribution I can make to a community of healing hearts. It's long, but worth it. I couldn't find the original URL, so I had to scan it and save it in a funky format to even copy it. All for the sake of recovery and to help all of my fellow strugglin' victims of love! Enjoy! Thought-stopping can be used to stop any bothersome, nonproductive thought (e.g., worries, missing your last boyfriend thoughts, low self-esteem thoughts, unhealthy obsessive thoughts), and replace them with healthy, productive thoughts (e.g., relaxed thoughts, hopeful thoughts. "I'll find a new person who's more compatible," "I'm a good person," "Everything will be OK" thoughts). 1) Start by identifying the type of thought you need to change. For example, if you are obsessed with your ex, it would be all thoughts about your ex. If you have low self-esteem, it would be all negative, denigrating thoughts about yourself. If you worry too much about something, it would be every time you have an anxious thought about that issue. If you have sexual obsessions, it would be every time you think about sex or at least that unhealthy obsession. 2) When you get one of those thoughts, say, "Stop It!" to yourself. (Not out loud, unless you want to get arrested!) Then say the opposite of whatever is bothering you. Phrase it in the most positive, uplifting way. For example, if you get a thought like, "I miss my ex so much; I'll never be happy again," you say, "Stop It! I can be happy with someone else and I will be." If you get a thought like, "He didn't love me, and no one will ever love me again," you say, "Stop it! I am lovable, and I will find someone compatible who will love me just as much as I love him." If you're trying to study and getting a thought like, "It's useless,"you say, "Stop It! I'm going to do my best and I will focus now." If you get a thought like, "I wonder what she's like in bed," you say, "Stop it! I like her as a complete person."Be careful that the replacement thought is positive and uplifting, and remember to say it after the, "Stop It!" In other words, don't just stop the thought - replace it with that positive, uplifting thought. Otherwise, you are just thinking negatively. 3) Then turn your attention to what you are doing, if you are doing something important (e.g., writing checks). If you aren't doing anything that requires concentration (e.g., doing something mechanical or semi-automatic like washing dishes or driving a car), have a positive fantasy that does not remind you of what you are trying to forget (e.g., plan your day, plan some project you're working on, have a passive fantasy about floating down the river on a raft). Be sure it's a positive, healthy fantasy and does not remind you of whatever it is you're trying to forget. 4) Calmly repeat this process every time you get one of your unhealthy thoughts. 5) In the beginning, you will find that you're thinking your unhealthy thought for awhile before you catch yourself. However, as you continue to practice this technique, you will get faster at catching yourself. In addition, in the beginning, after you stop the thought, it will return again. You'll be in the middle of your fantasy, and there it will be! However, the more your practice the technique, you will be able to keep the thought away longer and longer, until one day you suddenly realize that you have forgotten ____ (whatever was the problem). That is the nature of the technique; in order to truly notice that it has worked, you have to "remember" that you once had difficulty with it, but then you forgot it! 6) One caution: Every psychological technique can be used in an inappropriate way, or at an inappropriate time, to make it unhealthy, rather than healthy. For example, if you use this technique to forget about paying your bills, it's not healthy! Or if you use it to avoid feeling guilty about having an affair, it's not good. Basically, use the technique to cease bthoughts that are unhealthy or pathological for you, so that you can behave in healthy, productive, ethical ways. Do not use it to become more unethical, unhealthy or pathological. 7) Also, don't use the thought-stopping to completely avoid taking positive behavioral action that can help you. For example, besides stopping thoughts about your ex, send in that Photopersonal, or join that introduction service, so you can find someone compatible in the future. And if you're constantly worrying about bills, make up a workable budget — some solution that will solve the problem in the future. There are times when you can use the technique to temporarily stop a thought because you have taken whatever action you can, and have put it on your "Things to Do" List (which you do consult!). If there isn't anything you can do about it now, worrying and obsessing about it is unproductive. If it's midnight and you're in bed worrying about something you can't take care of tonight, get up and write it down; then go to bed and use the thought-stopping so you can fall asleep and be well-rested tomorrow.

Here is more wisdom to absorb. This article, by Dr. Kate, is invaluable and I mean INVALUABLE for those tryin' to forget their exs and pain that is attached to those memories or those who have any other unproductive thoughts. This helped me last year when I was going through an ordeal and can use it now, since I'm in a similar boat, to my disgust. Check it out and hope it helps. Someone had made reference to this type of info. being worth a fortune and I could sell it, but feel that this is the small contribution I can make to a community of healing hearts. It's long, but worth it. I couldn't find the original URL, so I had to scan it and save it in a funky format to even copy it. All for the sake of recovery and to help all of my fellow strugglin' victims of love! Enjoy! Thought-stopping can be used to stop any bothersome, nonproductive thought (e.g., worries, missing your last boyfriend thoughts, low self-esteem thoughts, unhealthy obsessive thoughts), and replace them with healthy, productive thoughts (e.g., relaxed thoughts, hopeful thoughts. "I'll find a new person who's more compatible," "I'm a good person," "Everything will be OK" thoughts). 1) Start by identifying the type of thought you need to change. For example, if you are obsessed with your ex, it would be all thoughts about your ex. If you have low self-esteem, it would be all negative, denigrating thoughts about yourself. If you worry too much about something, it would be every time you have an anxious thought about that issue. If you have sexual obsessions, it would be every time you think about sex or at least that unhealthy obsession. 2) When you get one of those thoughts, say, "Stop It!" to yourself. (Not out loud, unless you want to get arrested!) Then say the opposite of whatever is bothering you. Phrase it in the most positive, uplifting way. For example, if you get a thought like, "I miss my ex so much; I'll never be happy again," you say, "Stop It! I can be happy with someone else and I will be." If you get a thought like, "He didn't love me, and no one will ever love me again," you say, "Stop it! I am lovable, and I will find someone compatible who will love me just as much as I love him." If you're trying to study and getting a thought like, "It's useless,"you say, "Stop It! I'm going to do my best and I will focus now." If you get a thought like, "I wonder what she's like in bed," you say, "Stop it! I like her as a complete person."Be careful that the replacement thought is positive and uplifting, and remember to say it after the, "Stop It!" In other words, don't just stop the thought - replace it with that positive, uplifting thought. Otherwise, you are just thinking negatively. 3) Then turn your attention to what you are doing, if you are doing something important (e.g., writing checks). If you aren't doing anything that requires concentration (e.g., doing something mechanical or semi-automatic like washing dishes or driving a car), have a positive fantasy that does not remind you of what you are trying to forget (e.g., plan your day, plan some project you're working on, have a passive fantasy about floating down the river on a raft). Be sure it's a positive, healthy fantasy and does not remind you of whatever it is you're trying to forget. 4) Calmly repeat this process every time you get one of your unhealthy thoughts. 5) In the beginning, you will find that you're thinking your unhealthy thought for awhile before you catch yourself. However, as you continue to practice this technique, you will get faster at catching yourself. In addition, in the beginning, after you stop the thought, it will return again. You'll be in the middle of your fantasy, and there it will be! However, the more your practice the technique, you will be able to keep the thought away longer and longer, until one day you suddenly realize that you have forgotten ____ (whatever was the problem). That is the nature of the technique; in order to truly notice that it has worked, you have to "remember" that you once had difficulty with it, but then you forgot it! 6) One caution: Every psychological technique can be used in an inappropriate way, or at an inappropriate time, to make it unhealthy, rather than healthy. For example, if you use this technique to forget about paying your bills, it's not healthy! Or if you use it to avoid feeling guilty about having an affair, it's not good. Basically, use the technique to cease bthoughts that are unhealthy or pathological for you, so that you can behave in healthy, productive, ethical ways. Do not use it to become more unethical, unhealthy or pathological. 7) Also, don't use the thought-stopping to completely avoid taking positive behavioral action that can help you. For example, besides stopping thoughts about your ex, send in that Photopersonal, or join that introduction service, so you can find someone compatible in the future. And if you're constantly worrying about bills, make up a workable budget — some solution that will solve the problem in the future. 8) There are times when you can use the technique to temporarily stop a thought because you have taken whatever action you can, and have put it on your "Things to Do" List (which you do consult!). If there isn't anything you can do about it now, worrying and obsessing about it is unproductive. If it's midnight and you're in bed worrying about something you can't take care of tonight, get up and write it down; then go to bed and use the thought-stopping so you can fall asleep and be well-rested tomorrow. 9) In addition, use the Search function in the Dr. Kate listbox. Enter "thought-stopping," press "Search," and you should come up with all the Dr. Kate advice letters that mention various ways to use thought-stopping in different situations. By reading them, you should be able to adapt the technique to your situation.