what am i to do,my life seems hopeless from every angle i try and think posotive and move onto better things but i fail everytime,im a bigtime loner,i made friends once and lost everyone of them cos they wer selfish two faced and took things wat i sed way over prerportion,so now im completely lonely an iv lost so much confidence,i didnt hav much to start with but somehow found some as soon as i made those friends but now ive hit rock bottom been hurt so badly and this is what my life is like now.sometimes i sit alone in my room and burst into tears,i look out the window and see people my age walking about in groups lookin content and popular (im 18) it doesnt seem right that a person of my age has so many problems.im trying to get a job but every interview i go to they end up telling me im too quiet or i seem shy at the end of it,even though iv turned up all dressed up smartly,with a polite formal manner and spoken as loud and clearly as i possibly can,i just cant win they say they are after a bubbly person and everytime it just knocks my self confidence even further...hows a person like me supposed to get employed? so im knocking about with no money to buy things i want and nice new clothes like an 18 year old should do i feel such a loser.i have a one night job but i hate it,nobody likes me cos iv been shy the years iv been there,i find it so hard to speak to anyone and keep the conversation going i just end up feeling like i want to keep quiet n go home at the end of it,yet feel upset wen nobody knows i exsist.i try so hard to make things better but i end up going round in circles,i try and make friends believe me i do,i even tried with this girl that going out with my boyfriends mate and we seemed to get on really well at first i thought 'be yourself and ull do fine'' so i did but there wer moments wer i didnt know what to say so there was silence,i foudn i spoke a little too much about myself to fill in the gaps,yet still tried to make it interesting,but at the end of it,despite how good it all started off like,she left simply just saying 'bye' and nothing else,no 'ill see you soon'' or makin plans to see me again,the bye wasnt even a smiling gesture,i dont knwo what i did wrong but this seems to happen with everyone i deal with so im dead upset about that i feel i cant make friends to save my life and feel im better off alone,a stupid loner who disscludes herself from the crowds,i hate big crowds they make me feel uneasy,i went to a party once an kept quiet most of the night,til one guy asked me what my name was n wen i told him he just went 'oh it speaks then does it' that made me feel like some kind of freak i really dont know what to do,i think about death at night and get scared,i feel id be better off dead but then i get upset cos i love my family and my boyfriend and i like the way i am,im a rarety these days cos im so nice and polite,and im pretty im not ugly but even now no lad will look twice at me cos i feel as soon as i open my mouth they get put off,i cant understand where im going wrong if bein myselfs not good enough what am i expected to do?! i say things sometimes that i dont mean just to get attention sometimes i dont make any sense and to top it off im in love with my sadness it sounds weird,but iv been this way for so long i feel comfortable just keepin myself in this terrible feeling,yet im just screaming inside that i want to get out!!!!!!! my life is so miserable,my family are makin me work at that place and i really dont want to,it depresses me when i think about it i dread going and the fact i dont get along with everyone makes me feel worthless as a person even more.has anyone got any advice? cos i really dont feel like i should be alive,why should i be when nothing in my life seems to go right? i feel nobodys giving me a chance in anything,i feel boring i feel ugly i just feel everything negative,if it wernt for my boyfriend im not sure id be here today......
