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kaboom1218

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Everything posted by kaboom1218

  1. kaboom1218
    Well, that could be a lot of people, but no one advised her to suggest he get help which is the most important thing for him now.
  2. kaboom1218
    Well, no one else mentioned that crucial info in their advice and I don’t think you can advise on this matter w/o mentioning/considering that!🤔
  3. kaboom1218
    It seems that everybody is missing out on two key factors here: he’s bipolar and sounds like he suffers from depression, so with him dealing with those two major things currently, it definitely explains why he isolates himself and his moods/decisions may be unpredictable and unstable. I don’t know if you’ve had that discussion with him, but I’d say the main advice to offer him is to seek counseling to resolve whatever mental and emotional issues he might have on top of maybe needing to be prescribed medication to improve his mindset. It seems like someone in his situation is definitely not ready for a relationship, so maybe once he receives some help and healing, he’ll be better equipped for one. Until then, stay in touch and offer whatever support you can as a friend, although I know that seems hard at this time.🙂
  4. kaboom1218
    Do I hear some possible wedding bells for you 2? I always did wonder if there were any hook-ups as a result of this site. Does anyone know of anyone who got together after meeting here? Never know, but the next person to help with our love problems on this forum could even become the next solution! Maybe I'm onto something. Folks could host local enotalone parties! Something to think about. Things that make you go hmmmm...
  5. kaboom1218
    Shame on you nomore! How 'bout you don't post "no more" messages like that? This is Di's first time posting on the board and you're scoffing at how she is coping with her loss?!?! Would you like someone to tease the way you chose to recover? I think NOT! Whether someone chooses to stay indoors or go out, they have the right to decide what they feel will best help them recover and fill the void. She might think no one will offer her any support based upon that response. I personally love flowers and think this is a great way to self-therapy, Di. I plan to try the site myself. Thanks for sharing. Remember, to keep your head up and everything will get better. The rest of us at Enotalone are here for you! Peace, 'boom
  6. kaboom1218
    First off Fill, I think that when folks on here mention one of the standard remedies as being that time heals all wounds and things will get better, that doesn't mean it will happen in what might be assumed as a natural progression; that more time = less pain. If only it were that simple--it fluctuates. An image just came to mind that might help explain it. Think of a bell curve or a hill. To climb it, you must trek uphill and push ahead even though it gets harder as you climb. You may have to stop or take a few steps back before you can continue your ascent. Seeing the apex really motivates, but you still are constantly struggling and things are getting harder as you get closer to the top, which makes it seem almost impossible. But then one day, you reach the summit and overlook your past hurts and grief, but now instead of being parallel or feeling the pressure as their weight bears down upon you, you have now triumphed and can scoff and look down upon them and those that caused the pain in the first place. Then as you had back down to ground level and reality where you may still have to deal with your problems, things get easier and they won't have the same effect on you. You have now learned many valuable lessons along the journey and can finally begin life anew. Phew! That was lot and I may have overdone the imagery, but that's the writer in me. Hope that helps. Also, in reference to the pain our exes may feel or claim to feel, I do agree their pain isn't as bad as ours because not only do we have to deal w/separation anxiety, there is also the blow to our egos as being the rejected ones. Although it's not as much, I think some of us can take solace in the fact that they are suffering in some way and that we have at least left some impression with them and one they will not soon forget. Peace, 'Boom
  7. kaboom1218
    Man...my mind must be tryin' to play tricks on me! Should have known it would only be a matter of time until I had a similar "death" dream of my own. So, low and behold, I had a dream on Sat. about a few of my closest friends being shot at and of course, my ex was the only one hit. Can't recall if he died or not, but the feelings this incident caused were really mournful and regretful. Details of dreams are always so fuzzy if you remember at all, but I do remember feeling awful because we hadn't seen each other in a while and I hadn't gotten a chance to talk to him before he got hurt. But, when I woke up and got back to reality, I'm proud to say, I was relieved it was only a dream, but didn't call him, although I was tempted. So, DeeBee, as you said, I still stayed strong even after having the initial thoughts and an actual dream! I'm just tryin' not to think of this as a sign... Like you said, calling out the blue about some weird dream you had, might be considered strange, although, as Dragonslayer said in response to your post, it would show at least you were concerned. Even though it might either freak them out or fall upon deaf ears as he said his ex cursed him out when he called her after having his dream about her. Either way, I probably wouldn't mention the dream to him if I talked to him, because he probably would think it was an excuse to call. But my ex and I are at least on speaking terms which makes a difference; don't know the circumstances of your situations. So I've decided, that if I do make one last attempt to contact him, it will be around his daughter's birthday and I will call to wish her happy birthday. Well, hopefully I will only continue to rise and not backslide into the moments of uncertainty and doubt. Peace, 'Boom
  8. kaboom1218
    True, Muneca. I hope that day comes, but doubt it. Feel like some part of me will always care and wonder is he's ok. But luckily I'm not that pressed at the moment. And hopefully in time it will be only a passing thought and not something on which I'll want to act. Thanks for everyone's input! Feel free to add more... 8) Peace, 'boom
  9. kaboom1218
    True, Auburn and Deebee, but I don't want this to be one of the lessons I learn after the fact because pride/self-preservation got in the way. DeeBee, didn't your dream cause you to want to call your ex? I know that it would for me, especially since dreams can be foreboding sometimes, but my circumstances might be different. If you know she wouldn't respond, then it would be futile. Anyhow, I'm not anymore decided about what to do and would rather not have yet another past relationship angle to analyze, but I guess it's better to do it now and get it over with then to keep mulling it over. It does help to hear others' perspectives in remaining strong. The one thing I know for sure is that if I do decide to contact him, it will be when I'm ready and when my ego wouldn't be bruised if he didn't respond at all, which would make me regret caring about him enough to check on him in the first place. That's where the struggle lies...they chose to not be in our lives, so if something bad happens there is really nothing more we could have done. But that still won't make it easier to cope with knowing so much time had passed in between when we talked and we missed out on an opportunity to connect with them again, because we don't know what their circumstances are. We can assume they don't want to talk to us, but we won't know until we find out. This is all very random, but writing out the thoughts also helps. So, anymore feedback is welcome. I guess another struggle is coming to terms with the only 2 reasons, other than missing him, that would cause me to contact him again. But it also helps that I really don't see us together as a couple, but he's still someone I would like to keep in touch with periodically. I almost wish he had done something horrible enuf for it to be easy to cut him off, but he didn't. Well, I hope everyone else is coping alright. I just need to continue focusing my energies elsewhere until I decide. Peace, 'boom
  10. kaboom1218
    I guess my biggest struggle is between whether to just "go with the flow" or to take some control of destiny and make some decisions myself. That's what I meant. While I do believe in fate, doesn't mean I will always let it rule my life. And my point moreso was that some folks would be at peace with not ever talking to their ex again if fate dictated that, but I can not take that approach as easily. I choose my words very carefully as not to contradict myself, but I guess interpretations can vary... I keep chancing upon similar posts today, but the following from Digly D kind of fell into my lap and is the exact situation to which I referred. One where either you or your ex has a death or near-death experience and how that puts things into perspective. link removed And I'm sure there would be very few of us who wouldn't break NC if we knew that today was either our or our exes last. Phones would be ringing off the hook!!! But I digress... As I said, I am not tryin' to focus on the negative or morbid, but know that death is a fundamental part of life that we all must accept, but having to cope with it with unresolved issues lingering around makes it worse. And this doesn't just apply to exes, but other loved ones we've lost touch with. It's just my ex is one of the few folks that I care about that I don't have contact with. And wanting to talk to him periodically to me isn't the biggest infraction. But I am still trying to let him come to me. And the ex did open the door recently, so it's not like I'm clinging to thin air. And he does have a daughter that I've bonded with, which makes it that much more difficult. I think we can at least keep in touch one day when we are both ready. Not sure if you've had any contact w/your ex, Auburn, but when that does happen that makes it that much more difficult. This post was more to discuss my feelings and find out others' perspectives, not so much to decide what I will do or act upon my thoughts. But whatever we decide, I think we need to make sure we focus and appreciate those that are important in our lives and deserving of that much concern and not let our exes take too much of that attention away. I will remain strong and let time do the telling as long as possible. Thanks again for the advice and well wishes! Peace, 'Boom
  11. kaboom1218
    Thanks for the responses. Muneca, yes, I know it's common to have those feelings, we are human, but it's really the only reason, other than his daughter (read earlier posts), that make me really consider contacting him. Of course, I miss him and would like to see him again, but my self-control is pretty strong in general. It's unfortunate, but anticipating and considering the worst case scenario sometimes happens. I just wish I didn't care, but I do. Deaths of strangers impact me, so of course anyone I know raises the level. As for you Auburnslp, you represent the other half. You really mean to tell me that if you heard your ex died today you wouldn't be the least bit devastated or upset? Are you really being honest? Because, although my ex hurt me, I would have a fit if I knew I could never see him again in any way shape or form. Also, if you do mean it, it sounds like it is because your ex hurt you and committed far worse crimes against you than mine. And I don't take offense to your post. Actually, it has some truth to it, but I'm not as attached to him as it may seem. Just moreso to someone I cared about who will always have a special place, but is not someone I can see myself with. There's a difference. Caring doesn't mean compromising who you are and giving power. It just shows your human and vulnerable side. If that didn't exist, none of us would be here. If you are a believer in fate and destiny, as I am, than you should be at peace at letting the chips fall where they may. But I would hate to just one day look up and have let fate totally control a decision I would gravely(no pun intended!) regret. Other thoughts welcome. Peace, 'Boom
  12. kaboom1218
    DeeBee just posted something so similar to what I am posting that it's spooky. Maybe a sign of the times that death is on a lot of minds. I have been doing pretty well w/NC since the ex and I split and haven't shown too many signs of weakness, ie. not contacting him when I wanted to. But for some reason, the "life is too short, what would I do/feel if something awful happened to him before we ever speak again?" thoughts keeps pervading my mind. Thoughts like these, make me want to push my pride aside and call, but is that just being morbid or pessimistic? The reality is that most of the time, nothing major happens to our exes in the interim and speculating about a small percentage of likelihood that they will pass on does seem a bit extreme and almost like graspin at straws for a reason to contact them. But for those that do pass on before they have resolved issues with loved ones, this is a very scary, disettling thought. It does seem to happen that those that are close to us may pass before we get to say a final "I love you" or really tell them how special/important they are to us. But that seems slightly different from someone you have been out of contact with for a while and purposely tried to stay away from. It's still not enough to make me call or reach out, but one day it might be. The flip side is that do they have similar thoughts? If so, it's not enough to compel them to contact us, so we're both in the same boat waiting on the other, but neither is willing to do anything. Anyone else have similar thoughts or suggestions on how to process these thoughts? Peace, 'boom
  13. kaboom1218
    To me greatness is achieving goals on a level few reach, surpassing expectations, defying the odds and exploring areas no (wo)man has considered or discovered. Just some random thoughts that first came to mind. Peace, 'Boom P.S. I like this forum. More positive and uplifting than some of the depressing relationship forums. I needed a change.
  14. kaboom1218
    White, I would first suggest paying an extended visit out there if you haven't already. I just returned from my second trip there and it is absolutely breath-taking and mesmerizing. Anyone that visits, I'm sure contemplates living there. I even did, but my friend lived there for 6 months and I almost kick myself for not going myself during that time. Do your research for sure, including housing and jobs. Since Oahu houses the capital, Honolulu, the opportunity would be the best there and there are plenty of jobs, especially in tourism and retail. I would just be sure to not get caught up in the illusion of Hawaii and make sure it is really where you want to be. Are you sure you want to be that far from family and friends? What is your real motivation? These are questions to consider. Good Luck. Let us know what happens. Peace, 'Boom
  15. kaboom1218
    T-Dog, I am glad to see you finally had the courage and strength to leave a marriage that was making you unhappy. I think it may sometimes be harder to leave a mediocre marriage vs. an abusive one, because there does seem to me more to salvage in those situations and folks may tolerate more than they should. Since so many of us on this forum are dumpees, I would just suggest that you allow him to have closure if necessary and not to totally cut him off like so many of our "loved ones" have done to us. I'm not advocating returning to a marriage that doesn't work, but try to be understanding during his time of grief. Not to say you aren't, but just a thought, because that's all a lot of us really want...resolution. And sometimes your ex is the only one that can assist you in the way that you need. Peace 'Boom
  16. kaboom1218
    Gilgamesh, such vague responses. By finding out, do you mean to ask or just wait and see? Other opinions welcome too. Peace, 'Boom
  17. kaboom1218
    I mean, no one knows for sure what his intentions are, but do you have a guess? My overall question is why do they come back only to act uncertain? What are the thoughts behind actions like that? If anyone can shed some light I'd appreciate it. Peace.
  18. kaboom1218
    Hey All, Here goes. I haven't posted much on this forum since my ex made contact. But maybe the dumpers or male members, females welcome too, can explain why when the dumper comes back and initiates contact, as indirect as it might be, to then act indecisive and uncertain and sometimes downright rude? Mine came back saying his daughter missed me. We had several pleasant conversations where apologies and sentiments were exchanged, but he is still not ready for anything too emotional, especially since our emotional wounds haven't quite healed. He said he and his daughter want to see me, I suggest hooking up for the first time in like 5 months this weekend, but he has yet to respond. I feel like the least you can do is return my call and say you're busy, not ready, a total moron...whatever. Mind you, he came back to me. I had already pretty much washed my hands of him and accepted I'd never see them again. At this point, I am tryin' to sit back and see what happens, but I've waited months for contact and want to nip it in the bud already. We agreed to keep the communication lines open, so I can take whatever he dishes. But part of the problem is I don't think he can handle it. If someone could shed some light on this very frustrating, aggravating and wacky mindset, I would appreciate it. Peace 'Boom
  19. kaboom1218
    Hey Tere, Maybe the brother wants you two to get back together. Maybe your ex is downplaying his illness. Maybe like he said, the brother was misinformed. Either way, it was good to show concern and your ex should appreciate that, but restart NC. It's kind of tough when you fall off the NC wagon, but 'go head, get back up there! Everything will fall into place in due time. Peace, 'Boom
  20. kaboom1218
    Yeah, Going through the same thing. I'm stuck in the traffic jam of emotions. He gives me the yellow light, then the green light, then red. I'm gettin' dizzy here. Mine doesn't block me, but doesn't always log-in either, so I think when they are on-line it's because they are ready to talk. She may be blocking you at other times, which is why you don't always see her. As I said before, just take a step(s) back. As you've seen many times on this forum, you can't force something that won't fit. Focus on your life, those that want to be in it and make an effort(I'm sure there are at least a few), remember you are worth more than someone's scraps and you'll find someone who loves you the way you deserve one day. I'm getting off at the next exit. Ready to drive on a different highway... 'Boom
  21. kaboom1218
    Yeah...sometimes you have to push your emotions to the back of your mind and let the rational and logical side take over. If you do, all the answers are there. Someone does you wrong...u drop 'em. Someone doesn't call you or return your call...you let it go. Someone breaks your heart...you never let them back in. But if we all felt that way, most of us wouldn't be on this forum. So, I'm trying to think w/my brain more than my heart. He did call me finally, and he suggested it, but only after I requested we talk in general. And he'd asked if we should talk on the phone or in person, but I said it couldn't wait 'til we saw each other in person. I called him before that, but only after his suggestion. I pretty much have followed his lead, but still feel resistance. I have called him twice since our "breakthrough" conversation and one regarding plans for the weekend. So, if he doesn't reply at all, I know he's full of it, scared, confused, etc. Or just playing games, but I'd hope he would have better things to do than mess with me. I, too, let him back in too easily, though I don't necesarrily want him back. Just to talk and come to a mutual decision. What's your story? Have you talked to your ex on the phone at all since the break? Do you want them back? What have you done recently? Anyone else can feel free to offer their 2 cents. Peace
  22. kaboom1218
    Detox, my last paragraph was mostly in response to you. You can't wait on them to make a decision, you need to do so yourself. Whether to be their doormat and accept their scraps or empower yourself and put limits upon what you're willing to accept. Mine does the same thing. He'll see me on-line, I think, but won't reply. So if you can't stand to see her on-line, remove her or log-on invisible. I'd return to NC if you've done it in the past or start now. That's what I'm gonna do whether I speak my mind to him or not. At some point they're gonna have to want it enough to work for it. And if they don't, it's not worth it. Good Luck. Lemme know what happens. Peace.
  23. kaboom1218
    I feel ya, I'm going through the same thing. My ex is back, but sparingly so. Very unsure. We had our first breakthrough conversation lately, where apologies and sentiments were exchanged, but getting emotionally involved again was last on his list. I feel it's a good start, but not if we are backsliding instead of making progress on whatever level we choose to interact. He also has mad issues to deal with, always has and I've stuck by him. So where was/is his loyalty? Adding me to the list of issues is also something for which he's not prepared. So why did he come back at all? I'm torn between just walking away or as you said, letting him really know how I feel and that the inconsistency is as much of a pain as the silent treatment. So what are your next moves going to be? I am and have always been open for communication whether good or bad, but it seems like unless it's positive or w/o risk, he's fine. But that's not realistic. That ain't life.
  24. kaboom1218
    I agree CB. They definitely are back for more than the excuse they initially give. But what I'm noticing is that they aren't any more certain when they get the chance to speak to you again. They contact you on-line to still maintain some barrier. They respond, but don't really initiate. Like Benevolent said, I agree. They have their nerve trying to protect themselves, as if they were the ones who got hurt. Funny how those they dropped are more willing to put themselves out there again than them. Guess that's why they are COWARDS! If you are unsure or can't be definite, then stay gone! We got over you once and don't need to have to walk that painful path again. They are as confused as us, but their actions caused the confusion, so they shouldn't continue to muddy the waters by wanting to put their foot in the door, but not much else. I think once we totally cut them off again or stand our ground, the real truth will come out. My horoscope said to do nothing in this case and I plan to. I just wish he could speak his mind already, but probably won't for fear of losing me altogether. But he's on the path to that anyway. Peace.
  25. kaboom1218
    D, just a bit of slang for ya(you). I meant For Real. By relapse, I mean having relapses as far as your relationship. They contact you or you have contact w/them and you start to weaken; Have second thoughts. I can't stand that back and forth...Peace
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