Trojanmn2

Right me and a friend with benefits have been hooking up for about 3 months. The things is I sort of feeling a little attached to her. I've gone through this before and I've prepared myself for times like these. I was fine with emotions or feelings for this person until recently. I find myself slowly breaking down my wall and loosening up my defenses. Basically she is planning to study with a friend of mine whose a huge playa. We both decided when we started becoming friends that we'll be honest with each other and not to hook up with somebody without telling the other. Mainly because we both wouldn't be cool with our friend with benefits to be non-exclusive. I guess I'm asking for advice to keep myself strong. I'm trying to build up the confidence in myself to know that a girl with benefits are a dime a dozen. I'm trying to prepare that in case she does hook up with him that I can just easily move on and control my emotions. What do other people have to say to help me control anything else?

I REALLY doubt what metallicaguy says is really accurate at all. You're in a club, he's in a club. alcohol is around, being drunk doesn't make you an alcholic, its a real bad judgement call on that one....seriously. Anyways your situation, next time you see him, get to talking again, be straight up with him about the number situation, you can either A) say you got a new phone, lost your number blah blah B) tell him that you deleted cause you thought he wasn't interested. EIther way you're trying to see where this guy stands. If he did show some signs of interest AT all back, i would have to say go all for it girl. If you really want to keep trying, keep it real and just talk to him. I just hope you really have decided what you are willing to put up with.

How longs this been going on? I ask this because I went through the same thing for a little bit. I just felt the same as you do, that whatever I did, I couldn't blend in with anybody. I was stressing so hard why I couldn't talk to females and why would I be trying to impress guys. I had these problems with a few of yours and I'm in a fraternity! Im still joining one as we speak and of course the environment forces you to socialize. Don't get me wrong, I joined the university in my junior year so I am pledging pretty late. I was able to grow and mature outside and away from fraternity influences and I was still social. I found that my inability to communicate with others was because I was being lazy and not actually listening to conversations placed in front of me. I learned my problem with talking to females was EYE contact. It works both ways. Being a little mature than the brothers who joined when they were younger like around 18 is really contrasted with me joining when I'm now 21. I know how a little better to deal with situations maturely. Now to being stuck in a rut as I call it. Theres a little certain comfort zone that I would to be in before I start being myself. There is nothing wrong with being yourself. If you are trying to be something you're not, then thats the first thing you should fix. I found my niche finally after a month of feeling in the rut that I still have problems communicating or being social. The way i got out of my rut, was just I decided to treat the people who I was nervous around THE SAME way i treat people who I am comfortable around, to a certain extent. I think you're getting too conscious with people, WAY too conscious. What you really have to remember to control is feeling left out and useless. The self-esteem in you is apparently dangerously low. If you are satisfied with who you are, you shouldn't be so afraid of going out and getting to know anybody. If you are worried about appearances, suck it up and work at the things you can improve such as......if you think you're of shape, work out, if you think you're not a good talker, keep trying in different conversations and try different things out. If you are discouraged on what to joke about, really think about what you are saying, if you're unsure what to do, you really need to make a decision and now that there will be consequences, do not worry and be discouraged with failure because you have to know what works. I havent really failed unless you really havent tried. You have to know that being too conscious will get you nowhere. If you're worried how other people feel about you, some people who be able to see right through that. Isolating yourself isn't the way out. I'm sure that everybody can find their niche in life. It sounds you really need to think some things through fully and be diligent about it. You to need to think realistically and open your mind that nobody knows you like you know you. You have to remember that knowing yourself and being true to what your desires and needs are should be laid down first before anybody else. There are billions of people out there, not being liked shouldn't be a discouragement to bring you down. You really need to be yourself and be sure of what your actions are to be. Only way to accomplish that is having a mature mind about it that usually revolves around experience. Keep at it girl, dont give up!!!

I would suggest hinting at who you are by basically.....talking about yourself to him. Maybe relieving the pressure by limiting contact with him may help. Make sure not to give him the wrong signal of completely blowing him off. But hint strongly at first by telling a little how you are. Ex: Say "Ya know," Im a little more conservative girl, you're gonna have to try to work for me ", hint hint. or more to the point," I like to weigh my options, I like being single" If the convserations get more direct and personal, tell him straight up how you like it.

Like i said earlier, playing the hide and seek and find me and ill get back to you is A GAME, whats reality here is that you two have spending time with each other and what else is reality is that you both are in COLLEGE might i stress? Just be straight up about it.

Me and a few close fraternity brothers are having a retreat in the woods by camping with a alot of chicks we know. I got sunday off so saturday night is gonna be crazy. Safe sex everybody and have a good weekend.

Dont do what was said above. You're in college man, be a college man. You guys have already been hanging out on dates and being friends or whatever, take the the first step by taking intiative and control of the situation by testing your feelings, hang out again, just get to talking, maybe after a good movie like "The Notebook" and just try to hint at it or ask specific questions, tell her about you feel, and you really feel the vibe when you look at her when you guys are snuggled up on the couch or bed, lean for a kiss. DO NOT play any games like stop seeing her. Just dont over kill it by OVERseeing her. Especially if you land a kiss, dont be up her rear after one kiss or after a few love talks. You're in college man, so I am assuming you're 18. Dont play high school games man.

Basically man, I think you really are thinking too much. I read what you typed and it apprers you're trying to cover every angle of what you're talking about by trying to be extra thorough. I mean by saying just going for it mean "going for it". From what I have received, i perceive you as a person who holds back right when its showtime like stagefright. By seeing yourself as not good enough and seeing yourself at your best when you're one on one really won't work in the end. For example, you can build yourself up your confidence to know people one on one when those occurrences could be slim to none. To get noticed you gotta get yourself out there and put yourself on the spot. We all know that you really get to really KNOW somebody better if spend some good quality time with that person. I believe that spending quality time with a person AS well as actions speak louder than words, will allow us to get to know a person alot better. What I'm getting from this is that the best time for you to shine are on the oppurtunities that you're the most comfortable. Though there is really nothing wrong with that, it does take longer that taking chances where you're not comfortable. I've learned the spots that I thought were best, were really not the best. Being able to adapt to situations as being put on the spot not only helps you look good in first impressions, but also boosts your confidence in yourself to speak your mind and also being able to know what to say without turning other people off. Some sarcastic humor can be a turn off, believe me, I know. People trying to be sarcastic I have noticed usually dont have anything better to say, and they usually dont know what to say. Sometimes being sarcastic can rather be annoying if the timing isn't right. Being pessimistic can be rather funny if there isn't an overdose of it. We really dont know what she's thinking until you find out first hand. Seriously, she can just be devoted to her work but she can still have the wild freaky personality when she wants to be. Knowing the signs to determine if she's single or not really comes from being observant like you are. But keep in mind that having insight from yourself is not enough. Ask around, ask guys if they know something about the chicks you're wanting to mack on. Expressing what you want, in this case, a conversation, an open mind to get to know somebody, is not sounding needy or desperate. If you can hold a conversation, express eye contact, show interest, express laughter and the confidence to laugh and smile not only one the things you talk about, but yourself as well, you WILL be successful in your desire. From what I am reading is that you are very conscious and over worried on finding your niche. Really what do you got to lose. If you don't start now, when will you start? 3 years in and you find yourself in the same spot. What do you really got to lose? A few more years? Go for it man, before its too late to dig yourself outta the hole you put yourself in. For example, trying to change your image on how people already see you. Just try things that you have not done before. For example, somethings I did on my first semester didn't get me anywhere, I was nervous to talk to chicks, but I could b.s. a storm up with guys, and i thought, am I gay? No, just nervous, and not experienced, and not confident, and not comfortable with myself. Being too self-conscious can kill yourself when trying to up a conversation with a female. If you want to know more females, you're going to have to socialize with them whether you're lazy at it or not. When you do socialize, keep in mind, that you're talking to somebody, make sure you want to be interested when you socialize. Also you want to remember that moderation is key. Doing too much can be killer, like trying to be too sarcastic, or joking around too much, or being to loud and obnoxious, or talking and bragging about yourself too much are just a few things. One thing that I do to attract the ladies is a nice set eye contact, a smile, and a wink. If you notice somebody, is it really bad to look at somebody? How I've changed a few things up is to call females "babe" Its a habit now i've formed that I have never done before. All in all, do things you haven't done before. And really be honest to yourself and do it. Don't second guess yourself, and dont over examine the situation or the person. Go with the flow and go along with moderation, don't be afraid and show those XY chromosones like a man.

Believe it or not, this post has crossed my mind today when I was out with my fraternity. Being a pledge in a new town, (even though I"m a Junior and going into this late), new atmosphere etc. its expected that these occurrences of having social problems are going to happen. I also reminded myself to stick to my guns. I knew going to this new town, new atmosphere to continue my academics, to move on with life, that I wanted to set for myself goals, goals such as friendships, relationships, projects, personal achievements, etc and when I think about it, these things are in front of me for the taking, yet I have just have to reach for it, work for it, and these things take time, and I noticed the impatience that I have sometimes. I know I dont need anybody yet the desire to have somebody burns in my heart. I notice alot of brothers and sisters, (fraternity's and sorority's) are either together, broken up, or friends. I see the relationships that are effectively, positively working. I also see the relationships that turn south when sex and spite and improper "need" for that person is the driving force. I notice at this university, every guy or girl is going on the round-robin with everybody going through everybody. It honestly disgusts me in a way because where are these people's dignity. I summed it up to one word. Maturity. All this we are talking about can be summed up to maturity. The maturity is achieved by growing up of course . Even though we are 19 or 20 or 21. We are graduated educated individuals, yet we are 20 years or so into our 70 year life span. As humans, we grow everyday. The experience of being in college is ours for the taking. What we are going through, what you are going through Selena and everybody on this board IS growing to the final stages of our human lives that will be us forever. I told Selena in a PM that the things that happen at us at this point in our lives where we are aware and conscious of our actions, we are responsible for the choices that we make. With the choices laid before us, comes the responsibility of undertaking the consequences. Whether we decide to speak up for ourselves or not, make ourselves known or not, drink that alcohol or not, cheat on our loved one or not, have sex or not, or even yet, get over our fears and conquer them... or not. What I'm trying to say is as college kids, we have control to be a part of things or not and everything else we need to do. The only thing stopping us is us. When we are given the advice to be ourselves, and you still can't be yourself, think to yourself why. If you can't think about it at that time, think about the situation later on, really think about it, and try to understand it. For example, I was at the fraternity house a few minutes ago making banners and everybody left so me and my pledge brother where looking at pictures and looking what this chapter has gone through. In my mind, I began to understand how these people love each other to death and why, how some of these popular older brothers started off as brand new fresh meat to college and now they are one of the most beloved people. Some of these people I knew in High School and they are the complete opposite of who are they are today. They're more spoken, mature, older of course and yet they made that choice to become who they are now. Even with the older brothers in the pictures, they are alot different now, as I know them. The entire experience of college is just another stage like High School that we are going through, and we will never have this experience again. Even though alot of us still dont have the courage and heart to immediately be social and known, we can work towards that. Working on that by taking it day by day, slowly accepting who we are becoming and changing to people who we want to be and not how others want us to be and like I said before, only thing stopping us is us, and in time, this moment will pass and we will never have this chance again. If the fear and the thought of why we still aren't getting what we were wanting going into college, maybe the time hasn't come for us yet, and when we learn and understand that, bam, it just happens. Right now my goal for this week is my education first, a job to help me pay for my expenses, my friends and then my fraternity. If I set myself up right this week, and take the chances and risks and think and plan my actions out, I am confident I'll get what I'm wanting. I'm feeling alot better than what I was feeling 2nd guessing myself and such, I find thinking and understanding and accepting the situation I'm in brings an enlightenment that helps me get through it postively.

Hey Selena, you know, its the craziest coincidence that I come accross your post the minute that I comeI know what you're going through because I have gone through the same thing and I have thought the same things you have thought. Me being 21, I'm a new transfer student at my university. The first semester was slow, especially even more slower since I'm living on my own, even though I did have a friend from my hometown come to the same university with which made things easier. Now the 2nd semester turns around, and I know its time for a turn around, I got to know some people yet still struck out with females, and Ive done everything for myself to look attractive, I groom myself, I work out alot, I pretty took really good care of myself and worked at it really hard to get where I am, just yet I still seem to strike out or at least I get the vibe at it. Basically, I'm introverted as well, with some extrovertedness here and there. I have ran through my mind and narrowed it down to my personalities, and have psychoanalyzed and examined myself to what has worked and what hasn't. I see me and you in the same dilemma to a certain extent. I would say for the introverts in us, and me being Filipino or as you said a racial thing, the best thing we can do is be ourselves and not who others want us. I realized that there is nothing wrong with who we decide to be. If we decide to do things to better ourselves, it should be decided to better ourselves for US only, not for just others. Like my gym routine, I do it for myself even though I started to do it for others, I have found it to be rewarding and satisfying. Our time will come to shine. I was a late bloomer myself, and I haven't been in a relationship in a year. Things will come in time I have discovered and for some people it just takes longer than others. I accepted it in which in turn you will probably learn to accept it too. I have alot more things to relate with you and plenty more to talk to you about if you would like. PM me if you like, its really interesting to hear a females side of the same situation.

You know, i think we all have an underlying feeling that prevents us to get out in the game, and that feeling is the deep down fear of rejection and insecurity even though we take the time to work on our insecurities and even say we're secure with who we are. Something deep down in us all is the fear of rejection. I have to talk myself outta crap like that and just say, what the hell do I got to lose? Just freaking DO IT. Just like Nike says. I dont know really too much on agreeing that some of us are meant to be alone, but it could happen that way, if we allow things to come to that, or actually do the things that make us as alone as we are.

I try to keep myself cool. I make sure to stick to my guns and know what to say. I know not to brag and to just have a good time. Its just a party, I have no obligation to these people because Im just looking to meet people, thats all.

Well first of all thanks for you reading my post. Its been a dry spell for me this year. It can be labeled a drought more than anything else. I haven't had sex in just a little over a year and I haven't been in a relationship in about a year this coming January. It gets a little depressing now that I am actually looking for somebody for some loving haha per say. Life's been pretty crazy this past year, after going through a heartbreak, getting over it, finding myself and soul searching and moving off for to university for my last two years of college. What I have been trying to do since getting over myself is planning and focusing on me and my future and trying to settle myself in first. Ive read books, read articles, listened to advice, taken the steps to get myself ready for another relationship but I feel kinda depressed the chances to put myself in that position have been slim to none. Though I am on my own, settled in with myself in my own place and a steady job and school, it just that my heart yearns for more, to belong to somebody, and not be alone. I laugh at myself for sounding so desperate at this moment as I type this little rant. Even though it would be nice to get with somebody this New Years, I dont think it will happen. The oppurtunities aren't there at the moment and thats where I second guess myself. That maybe its me and my effort or there really hasn't been any real chances for it. All in all, i think im pretty ready to play the field again. I'm 21, almost at my peak knowing that i still have my entire life ahead of me, but just that part of wanting somebody is a tick that needs to be scratched. When you see me, you wouldn't think I would have these problems, yet I do. I just have to let father time do his thing, cause only time will tell. As I have learned, my time like everybody elses will have their time to shine. Thanks tho', have a happy new year people.

Well how I believe to be confident can be compared to as a gentle giant. I have my insecurities but everybody does. All guys and girls have their own ways and quirks and such and such. But you wont notice that until you really get to know them. If guys show too much insecurities, or too many insecurities too early that will turn females off definitely. In all in all expressing confidence and expressing insecurities to attract another person works best with balance. I would never show insecurities when starting to date and I'm talking about immature insecurities. Having fears and doubts is normal but displaying a lack of trust and insecurity are bad qualities. Expressing the quality of confidence should not only be required for first impressions and the next dates, but to hold that in your lifestyle as well. When guys lose control of themselves (composure) and their part in the relationship is where the attraction begins to fall. When confident females express themeselves at their weakest and most vunerable positions but is able to keep a balance of it and be able to control it, that is what really attracts me.

Well, i'm sorry to hear about your situation. Explanations to her behavior could probably be something from the past thats keeping her down and preventing her to commit or be open. I know how some of my friends are that finally after 3 years he finally is being more open than before. It takes time for some people depending how they grew up, who they are, how they live, for them to be open and honest to you. From what I understand, you said she emailed you. After she dumped you without explanation. Well not knowing how she is, I assume she maybe found somebody else? Could it possible she saw an oppurtunity for something better, jumped for it, then it faded out, and then she came back. How well do you know this girl? I don't think its really right for her to end a relationship without explanation. In my opinion her reasoning is a bit awkward, that to know why SHE dumped you, you have to know her better, and well, it seems in reality you can't as you can see, you're not together. She is hiding something, either something about her, or something she did, or wanted to do. Was the relationship good while it lasted? Could there be something there that could have been? Or were things given enough time to even develop? On the other side of it, if it is possible that she has some major issues with herself and seeing that you care, maybe over time, being friends and getting to know her better, if in fact this is what you want and seek for yourself, possibly this relationship could be an incredible one. If you think the truth lies in her being a fairly private person who has some issues to deal with and she needs dealing with, and you feel its in your heart this is what you want to build up for more, by all means go for it. Take it slow, be a friend and she'll open up when she realizes she can. But before that make sure she's not being shady and covering up somebody else that she had her eye on while you two were together. Just be careful, analyze carefully, think it through, and follow your heart with what you desire and need. Good luck man.