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Thread: I'm still struggling...

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jinstron
    I know two wrongs dont make a right but... what about the way she discarded me?

    Is there any other explanation to it besides that it was her true color showing which was something just as inexcusable as my reaction to it?

    See my mind keeps flipping between guilt and vindication because i just cant explain the flip. Never in my years of dating did i see something like it..
    Anyone can dump anyone for any reason. It might be a totally messed up way or reason. However, it doesn't matter.

    You gotta pick yourself up and keep going. All those things your parents said back in the day apply: life is not fair, no one owes you anything, you gotta look out for number one.

    When someone dumps you, you can't guilt them or use your anger to make them stay. they were not happy before the anger and guilt. The decision was made.

    Even if you could get them to come back, it would be short lived.

    It hurts etc... but all you can do is continue to lick your wounds, heal and go on as if they are dead.

    Any effort by you towards them opens the door for you to be used and prolong the time it takes to get to your ultimate goal, the very best revenge: a happy life without them. To the point you are glad they are gone and you laugh off what they did to you. because heck, you're not even tbat guy anymore.

  2. #22
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    Thanks for the thoughtful input, everyone, and Lambert.

    Granted ive handled many breakups in the past with more grace and efficiency but this one sticks out because of how intense it was and how promising.

    Casual vows were exchanged, deep love proclaimed, soulful connections made, or it seemed.

    Words are but words but when your heart is hungry it will be stubborn in letting go, and thats what's happening right now. :(

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by Jinstron
    Casual vows were exchanged, deep love proclaimed, soulful connections made, or it seemed.
    This is where you need perspective.

    After 2 months, it isn't deep love. You're still getting to know each other in the context of a relationship. Yes, it feels good to hear those things but after a couple of months of dating, the words hold very little weight. It's too early to predict how things will pan out to pin big expectations on it.

    For context - You say you were best friends for a year beforehand, so how and when did you and she decide to start dating? How was your love life going before you met her? You appear to have latched on to her pretty quickly so I am curious if you were perhaps having a dry spell prior to this which made her seem like the answer to all your hopes.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    OP , "intense" is always a danger sign.

    You remark:

    "but this one sticks out because of how intense it was.."

    That being the reason you became so enmeshed. There are types who are very good at peddling intensity. And that is not love.

    "Too good to be true" comes to mind.

    And I echo Ms. Canuck's post above.

    And there is this:

    ".....who discarded me like an object.

    And that discard still shocks me. It was completely out of the blue 1st of all, esp considering just the day before she offered to fly me out to her country, as a testiment of her love. (We were doing LDR for 2 months at that point)
    "


    Harsh as this may sound that's all you were to her: an object. It's how they are. They also say the first thing that comes into their head, as in "she offered to fly me out to her country, as a testiment of her love"

    Surely that would have struck you as very odd.
    And I agree that it is so difficult to get over being discarded in that fashion. The disbelief is the hardest aspect.
    Last edited by LaHermes; 06-19-2020 at 10:45 AM.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree. Intensity is adrenaline, not intimacy or love.
    Originally Posted by LaHermes
    "intense" is always a danger sign. "but this one sticks out because of how intense it was..".

  7. #26
    Platinum Member Lambert's Avatar
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    Definitely understandable and there's no shame in being hurt and let down. Its a private journey, though. She cant help you. You have to ride it out. How every long it takes.

    Focus on the lesson, not the hurt. What are the lessons you are learning?

    Holding on to being the victim and what was done, does not help.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Lambert
    Definitely understandable and there's no shame in being hurt and let down. Its a private journey, though. She cant help you. You have to ride it out. How every long it takes.

    Focus on the lesson, not the hurt. What are the lessons you are learning?

    Holding on to being the victim and what was done, does not help.
    I agree with this.

    In a few days or weeks or months you'll have to move to the next step which is trying to understand what the lessons were. Very often there are mistakes on the parts of both parties and even though you may feel helpless and like a victim, you'll start to see where you've slipped up, went against your better judgment, engaged in some interactions you shouldn't have or had disagreements that made an already tenuous situation worse. Give yourself a lot of time to work things through. Climb out of the despair and hurt after you've had enough time to cry it all out or get it all out.

    Time to start thinking soon about where you both went wrong and what you can do to improve or enrich your life better going forwards. Beware: it may mean some big changes and difficult decisions! Don't be afraid. It's all part and parcel of life.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member LaHermes's Avatar
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    Just to add, OP, there is no such thing as a "soulmate".

    But certain types are extremely good at mirroring, and you fell into that trap. Nothing mystical about her.

    Just wondering where was this Shangri-La to which she wanted to fly you as a testament of her love (immediately before discarding you!).

  10. #29
    Platinum Member boltnrun's Avatar
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    Can you clarify the details of the relationship? You were a couple for two months? In those two months how much time did you spend together in person?

    I ask because often people in an online only relationship create stories that have no firm basis in reality.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by Jinstron
    I know two wrongs dont make a right but... what about the way she discarded me?

    Is there any other explanation to it besides that it was her true color showing which was something just as inexcusable as my reaction to it?

    See my mind keeps flipping between guilt and vindication because i just cant explain the flip. Never in my years of dating did i see something like it..
    What you call ďdiscardingĒ is what others simply call ending something that isnít working.
    You clearly can not handle rejection.
    Thatís not her issue , that is yours and yours alone.

    You were in a long distance relationship for only 8 weeks. How many times did you meet? You are annoyed that she promised to fly you out to meet her and didnít follow through. If you canít afford to meet her then what was the point of the distance?

    You now want to label her with a mental illness? In order to detract from your inability to accept rejection?

    She is fine. You however are not.

    Your reaction and threats are inexcusable.

    Her dumping you however insensitive it was in your mind , was excusable . She barely knew you. It was an online attention seeking thing that unfortunately for her led to someone threatening her career.

    I rarely say this and think people say it when itís not really necessary , but I do recommend you seek therapy.

    Good luck!

  12. 06-20-2020, 07:19 AM

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