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Guys im a month out and still not doing any better.

 

Finding this sub has given me some comfort but i keep regressing back to my doubt. The doubt of wondering if im the one who messed it up. And the doubt of who she was if not the gentle and devoted soul instead of the cruel being who discarded me like an object.

 

And that discard still shocks me. It was completely out of the blue 1st of all, esp considering just the day before she offered to fly me out to her country, as a testiment of her love. (We were doing LDR for 2 months at that point)

 

And she was a completely different person through the breakup. There was no respect. No love. No compassion. Just rolling of her eyes at my begging and laughing at my plea. This was the same woman who for weeks had been telling me she loved me and planned a future together. It was as if a switch had turned off in her and in turn i became even more indignified through the shock. Kept texting and begging while she either ignores me or tells me she will block me, and that one reason she is not doing so is because i might turn stalker (What??).

 

I ask her for compassion and maybe she offers it momentarily then back to rudeness.

 

Then shes on a weekend trip couple days later with a new dude. Ofcourse. Ofcourse. Even lies to guilt trip me that shes texting from the danger of the night forest when in truth she is in her room charging her phone. But the guy must not be keen on her. Shes complaining about it the next day and chats me up as tho we havent broken up. The day after shes downright pissed. With the guy, and with me for trying to somewhat flirt.

 

After coming home she cries to me on the phone. Turns out the guy was rude to her. But realizing the real reason i get angry. Then she blocks me. ('FU! im gonna stay single for the rest of my life!')

 

Next day i am even more angry because i see what i should have seen earlier- that she dumped me for this guy and emotionally cheated with him while stringing me along.

 

I get so angry i lost it. Threatened her with a smear campaign. To ruin her name at her work. She was so scared she disabled all her social media and changed her phone. And me so ashamed from that i still wanna be forgiven at this moment. It was an empty threat designed to get you to admit to my suspicion. Im sorry.

 

Now I tried to write this as objectively as possible but the bottom line is i was heartbroken and she didnt seem to care. And checklisting for cluster b disorders does explain her extreme behavior but im no psychologist. I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt. The doubt that she could be ok and it was all a forced reaction how she was to me, and that a lot of the fault is mine leading up to the discard. And these thoughts do stall the process of moving on, i know, but its a price im paying for still caring deeply about her... Because I'd rather choose love and pain, instead of just lies.

 

Thank you for reading and i appreciate any input.

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It is painful and confusing. give it more time.

 

Don't lash out at people and say mean things, threats etc. It is seriously frightening to be on the receiving end of a psycho's rant. Accept what you did and said was in fact psycho. Take a look at your life. Why were you so out of control?

 

In a truly emotional moment, people can lose it, but its wrong. completely wrong. you. yes. you are in charge of all your actions and words.

 

Do not make excuses or blame her. Seek help. Whatever she did. Whatever happened. It doesn't matter anymore. Yes. You will carry the hurt. it may take a lot of time and work to get to the point it does not bother you.

 

I went thru something and it took a long time to heal. I thought I was losing my mind. I could not get over someone and it was killing me. I knew I didn't want to be the person that pines over someone that doesnt give a flip about me. But I couldnt help it. I was crushed emotionally, offended and embarassed by how I was treated. How dare he... a whole range of strong and sometimes conflicting emotions.

 

It took realizing (which was a process, too) that it wasn't that person. He really didnt have that power. He wasnt so great...

 

It was all the times I valued other's opinions (of me) over my own. you know, all the times I just didnt think I deserved better or I just didnt think people were capable of doing better ie the fallacy that accepting less is better than nothing. It's not.

 

You need to examine within. That will help you make better choices (you're never as blindsided as you think) to improve your life and to find love again.

 

Hang in there. In time, you may find this situation was crucial to making you a better, happier person. you don't need her. you need you.

 

[emoji173]

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A year from now, this woman will be but a memory, OP.

 

You can muscle through this. But you need to regain control of your emotions; it's far more damaging to you than her, because you stay stuck in the cycle of self-loathing and longing for forgiveness while she moves on.

 

The upside? It's probably better that she has blocked you from all forms of communication and changed her number. You won't be able to reach her anymore, which is the key to moving forward here. Leaving an little door open would be too tempting for you to try to contact her again, when there is just no future here.

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OP. You can be quite certain she wasn't, and isn't, "the gentle and devoted soul". Ever.

 

That was a mere façade, to reel you in. What you have experienced is the true self of this person. No respect, no love, no compassion. Precisely. And there NEVER was.

 

She no doubt enjoys seeing you squirming on that fish-hook. There are people like that.

 

So, you have no other option but onwards and upwards.

 

And: "Don't look back, cos the view sure ain't pretty". No truer word.

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Have you met this person?

 

Never threaten someone. It says more about you than it does about her.

 

Begging, cajoling etc. are all forms of manipulation with intent to coerce and change an outcome or decision made by someone else. I think popular media has made it a somewhat positive and endearing trait to create drama in a soap opera or tv show but it's extremely disrespectful to the other person. Ie. if a man doesn't try to dissuade a woman, it appears he is uncaring and doesn't want to fight for the relationship. These are, in actuality, very perverse and immature tactics. People who respect themselves will feel violated and hampered, harassed. She made some comments about fearing stalking coming from you. It means she felt strongly that you weren't able to respect her choices.

 

A lot of things in life will come as a shock. It is ok to cry and feel bad about it, spend days wondering what happened or how your reality has shifted. Take your time but never try to convince someone else that their decision is not a good one.

 

Going forward, remove her from all your contacts and social media. It doesn't sound like you can help yourself and she has no boundaries whatsoever, running and crying to you about her new dates. The dynamic both of you have is unhealthy. Break out of it. Take a time out, a big step back and away so that you can better observe the entire relationship as a whole. Give yourself a lot of time.

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IMO, people who enter LDRs when it didn't start locally have issues that make them avoid local dating, or nobody local will regularly date them because they've seen who the person really is.

 

You seem to lack self-worth. I can't imagine engaging in a discussion with a recent ex about the other person they just went on a date with, and then trying to flirt with that ex. And you should seek out anger management classes to be able to handle anger in a more reasonable way.

 

For successful future dating experiences, first be alone to work on yourself--your self-esteem, spotting red flags and walking away from them when you first see them, and how to choose someone who shares your relationship goals and ethics. There are so many cons to LDRs, I don't know why people choose the most difficult form of dating when they don't have to. Try Meetup.com activities if you're having problems finding single women your age. Good luck.

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What the hell are you doing? Badgering, begging, grovelling, being a pain in the butt. Leave her alone! I think you need some therapy to find out why you would threaten her the way you have, that is just so WRONG. You cannot do that or you will have the cops on your doorstep and a restraining order in your hands. I find you appalling in your treatment of her. She doesn't want you, so leave her alone.

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Did you put this in writing to her? If so, she could take it to the police. Get your act together. .

I get so angry i lost it. Threatened her with a smear campaign. To ruin her name at her work. She was so scared she disabled all her social media and changed her phone.

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It's time to grow up.

 

In the past, I too allowed my emotions to cloud my better judgement and to this day I've regretted what I've written and verbally said. Hindsight is 20 / 20. (Your vision of the situation is always more clear after the fact.)

 

Since she has since severed all ties with you given your threats and you can't contact her, become a changed man. Don't do anything, leave her alone and let her live her life in peace. You can't undo the past. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and become a better person in the future with all people whom you interact with. Tread wisely.

 

To your credit, you have a conscience which is commendable. You are remorseful and admit fault regarding how your reactions were shameful. A lot of people have zero conscience and they'll never realize why they've alienated others which is far worse IMHO.

 

However, be careful in the future. Never threaten people otherwise they'll take legal action against you and do you wish to set yourself up for disaster? :eek: :upset:

 

Remain calm, think clearly, be humble and moral. Think long and hard and you can start anew starting right now. Become a changed man and you will heal your guilt and yourself. Live and learn.

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"I get so angry i lost it. Threatened her with a smear campaign. To ruin her name at her work." Never threaten anyone; it serves no purpose other than getting you into trouble, possibly even with the law. Granted, you were hurt and angry but it's not the right thing to do no matter how you look at it. OK, so you made this mistake. Don't repeat it. Live and learn, as they say.

 

She is definitely NOT a gentle and devoted soul. She sounds like a thoughtless, rude and disrespectful person. Don't be her doormat, Jinstron. Don't allow her to walk all over you. Yes, it hurts that she dumped you for another guy. And then when that didn't work out, she inserts herself into your life. Really??? Don't allow her manipulate you like this. You don't need this drama. Apparently, she has no moral compass and uses people like soiled rags. Doesn't say much about her, IMO. Please, do yourself a big favour and leave her alone. Muster up some self-respect and move on. Some things in life are not meant to be. Focus on healing yourself. With time, you will see that you are better off without people like this in your life. You can do it!

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For a very short 2 month LDR you seem to be way way too invested. Losing control and making threats says a lot about YOU, not her. Perhaps it's time to seek professional counselling for anger management and just in general to help you with your issues. Threatening anyone is abusive behaviour. Get help for that.

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What is it you want from her? Whatever you want or you feel you deserve, isn't going to happen. And I appreciate you being honest on here but dude, I have to say that you just have to stop thinking she owes you anything. She doesn't have to explain her decision to you, she doesn't have to explain why she went on a camping trip, she doesn't have to explain a single thing to you. You two are over. And you have to step back for a moment and think.. is calling her 5 times a day and threatening her good for me or for her? Behavior like that is what a controlling person does and if she saw this trait in you, its probably one of the reasons why she didn't want to be exclusive with you.

You also have to throw away all promises and plans for the future out the window because it no longer matters. Its like you are holding her to a promise that she no longer is interested in keeping. So you holding on to these future plans or what she said about "our eternal love" has to be forgotten. So let me ask you a question.. Can you see why she doesn't want to be with you? Do you think your behavior had anything to do with it? She said that calling her 5 times is like a stalker and you didn't hear her. You justified it by holding on to past promises.

I wish I could just say let your anger go, but you have to look at yourself in the mirror and really dig deep and ask why are you so angry? It was a 2 month LDR, she lived in another country and she decided she wanted someone closer and there is nothing wrong with that. You might not like her reasons but you must accept them. So why are you holding on to so much anger? She doesn't owe you a thing, she doesn't owe you an apology, she doesn't have to hold on to her promises and Im going to be honest with you.. Life is just not fair. She doesn't have to wait to find someone until you find someone, she doesn't have to have a mourning period, she can move on to anyone she wants and so can you. She can date multiple guys at once if she wants and you can date all the women you want to.

the only person holding you back... is you. Not her, YOU. So what are you going to do?

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I know two wrongs dont make a right but... what about the way she discarded me?

 

Is there any other explanation to it besides that it was her true color showing which was something just as inexcusable as my reaction to it?

 

See my mind keeps flipping between guilt and vindication because i just cant explain the flip. Never in my years of dating did i see something like it..

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And you guys raised some excellent points which i just got thru reading.

 

Im not angry. Nor am i an angry person. Which is why what i did is such a regret to me.

 

Im having hard time letting go because so much was promised and so much invested in my end because of it. And because she made it seem like real love which at my end, it was.

 

Right now im chasing the answers to who she was rather than the actual person because i realize i might have been in love with an illusion.

 

And we were best friends for a yr before this so its not rlly a quick fling.

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Im not angry. Nor am i an angry person. Which is why what i did is such a regret to me.

 

Im having hard time letting go because so much was promised and so much invested in my end because of it. And because she made it seem like real love which at my end, it was.

 

Right now im chasing the answers to who she was rather than the actual person because i realize i might have been in love with an illusion.

 

And we were best friends for a yr before this so its not rlly a quick fling.

 

You can't take big promises seriously when the relationship is still in its infancy, OP. It doesn't matter if you were friends before; you were not a romantic couple. The dynamic is different and you didn't yet know each other as romantic partners. The goalposts change when you start dating someone who was a friend. You have to learn how to take a more measured approach, regardless of what frilly things the other person might be saying. It is a mistake to invest heavily when you've dated such a short time.

 

All you can do is apply the lessons you've hopefully learned here in moving forward. Leave her alone now and work on you, because that's what matters most.

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Listen OP.

 

There are NO answers to the questions with which you are torturing yourself. That's the sum total of it.

 

"Right now im chasing the answers to who she was rather than the actual person "

 

"..she made it seem like real love "

 

The operative word in that sentence is "SEEM".

 

It makes NO difference now OP.

 

The posters on here are giving you excellent advice and in particular I quote the comments made by Goddess above:

 

"She is definitely NOT a gentle and devoted soul. She sounds like a thoughtless, rude and disrespectful person. Don't be her doormat, Jinstron. Don't allow her to walk all over you. Yes, it hurts that she dumped you for another guy. And then when that didn't work out, she inserts herself into your life. Really??? Don't allow her manipulate you like this. You don't need this drama. Apparently, she has no moral compass and uses people like soiled rags. Doesn't say much about her, IMO"

 

Don't allow her to continue living inside your head.

 

One would ask here. Why the desperation OP for this one individual? You were hoodwinked, and you aren't the first or the last to have that happen to him.

 

You can do better and there are plenty of other people in the world.

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I know two wrongs dont make a right but... what about the way she discarded me?

 

Is there any other explanation to it besides that it was her true color showing which was something just as inexcusable as my reaction to it?

 

See my mind keeps flipping between guilt and vindication because i just cant explain the flip. Never in my years of dating did i see something like it..

Anyone can dump anyone for any reason. It might be a totally messed up way or reason. However, it doesn't matter.

 

You gotta pick yourself up and keep going. All those things your parents said back in the day apply: life is not fair, no one owes you anything, you gotta look out for number one.

 

When someone dumps you, you can't guilt them or use your anger to make them stay. they were not happy before the anger and guilt. The decision was made.

 

Even if you could get them to come back, it would be short lived.

 

It hurts etc... but all you can do is continue to lick your wounds, heal and go on as if they are dead.

 

Any effort by you towards them opens the door for you to be used and prolong the time it takes to get to your ultimate goal, the very best revenge: a happy life without them. To the point you are glad they are gone and you laugh off what they did to you. because heck, you're not even tbat guy anymore.

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Thanks for the thoughtful input, everyone, and Lambert.

 

Granted ive handled many breakups in the past with more grace and efficiency but this one sticks out because of how intense it was and how promising.

 

Casual vows were exchanged, deep love proclaimed, soulful connections made, or it seemed.

 

Words are but words but when your heart is hungry it will be stubborn in letting go, and thats what's happening right now. :(

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Casual vows were exchanged, deep love proclaimed, soulful connections made, or it seemed.

 

This is where you need perspective.

 

After 2 months, it isn't deep love. You're still getting to know each other in the context of a relationship. Yes, it feels good to hear those things but after a couple of months of dating, the words hold very little weight. It's too early to predict how things will pan out to pin big expectations on it.

 

For context - You say you were best friends for a year beforehand, so how and when did you and she decide to start dating? How was your love life going before you met her? You appear to have latched on to her pretty quickly so I am curious if you were perhaps having a dry spell prior to this which made her seem like the answer to all your hopes.

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OP , "intense" is always a danger sign.

 

You remark:

 

"but this one sticks out because of how intense it was.."

 

That being the reason you became so enmeshed. There are types who are very good at peddling intensity. And that is not love.

 

"Too good to be true" comes to mind.

 

And I echo Ms. Canuck's post above.

 

And there is this:

 

".....who discarded me like an object.

 

And that discard still shocks me. It was completely out of the blue 1st of all, esp considering just the day before she offered to fly me out to her country, as a testiment of her love. (We were doing LDR for 2 months at that point)

"

 

Harsh as this may sound that's all you were to her: an object. It's how they are. They also say the first thing that comes into their head, as in "she offered to fly me out to her country, as a testiment of her love"

 

Surely that would have struck you as very odd.

And I agree that it is so difficult to get over being discarded in that fashion. The disbelief is the hardest aspect.

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