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Thread: BF Has Trust Issues

  1. #1
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    BF Has Trust Issues

    So I just started dating this guy about a month ago, I honestly really like him a lot and I'm very happy. But he's been burned a lot before and had a lot of relationships start only to end basically right away because the person just up and left. He's still worried that I'm going to do the same thing, even though I've told him repeatedly that I'm not and I wouldn't have gotten into the relationship if I wasn't really in it because that's just not me. I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to get him to believe that I really don't have one foot out the door, or if it will just take time? If anybody has any insight I'd appreciate it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Yes, you dont date people with unresolved baggage.

    Hes essentially making you pay the price for other women in his life because he doesnt respect himself or you enough to have taken the time to heal before jumping into another relationship.

    You are doing a disservice to yourself unfortunately by proving yourself to him

  3. #3
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Id try to look at this differently.

    His trust issues are his, not yours, and Id take a moment to ask if dealing with that is appealing. Personally, I have very little patience for people who make early dating about fear, as Id feel manipulated by being put in the position of promising to never leave someone Ive only known for 4 weeks because of something they went through before meeting me.

    Most adults have gotten burned by romance. Its not particularly special or unique. Some treat their burns so they can connect romantically again, and others use romance as a form of treatment. He sounds to be more of the latter, given that hes made his past pain your primary connection point in the present.

    In your shoes, Id ask how willing you are to be a nurse to his past painif thats the kind of foundation youd like for a relationship. I can understand how that works for him, but does it work for you?

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Wow. He must really be good looking, because other than being eye candy, I don't get how you're enjoying a guy's company when he's a quivering violet, expecting unreasonable promises that you won't abandon him.

    Dating is for having fun with a great companion. Laughing, enjoying meals together, etc.

    And wanting promises from someone you've know 30 days? Getting to know someone is a long process of finding out about compatibility and if the spark stays past the honeymoon stage. Your heart must feel like it's being squeezed in a vise.

    As figureitout says, people with toxic baggage shouldn't be dating. My husband was cheated on by his two main relationships. He took several years off from dating before meeting me, and I would never have guessed by his actions with me that he'd ever been cheated on. He knows I'm a different person than his exes and he trusts me.

    Don't give excuses to someone who is not giving himself time to heal and move on, and don't coddle broken people. It's called cutting off losers as soon as you see the dealbreaker so you will be free when a cute guy without issues asks you out.

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    That's a fair point, and I have thought of it that way. The fact that we've all been hurt and you can't let it affect your current/future relationships. I'm just not sure how to tell him that without sounding like I don't care or that I'm dismissing what he's been through before. However, you're right, it's not fair for him to put that on me either. So I'm just trying to figure out how to approach it.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry to hear this. In a way it's a blessing he dumped this traitor-trailer of baggage on you in just 30 days and a few dates. You know to run from someone who claims to be so damaged that he is using crazy control methods on you already. You should have both feet out the door.

    It's no surprise he feels women will leave him if he comes out of the gate with crazy. Do not try to fix this guy, cut your losses. Soon someone like this will want to riffle through your phone, track your every move. No, don't go there.
    Originally Posted by sammy1592
    I've told him repeatedly that I'm not. advice on how to get him to believe that I really don't have one foot out the door.

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    Ok I think some people are getting the wrong idea, so let me just clarify. He's mentioned this a few times, but it's not like he talks about it all the time. And he's never made me feel like he doesn't trust me as far as thinking I'm going to cheat on him or anything in that regard. He's very sweet and considerate and has a good heart.

    I appreciate everyone's concern, and I do agree that this is an issue he has to resolve and I'll hopefully figure out a good way to tell him that. But he's certainly not a bad person or even a bad boyfriend.

  9. #8
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    If you're posting about it then the few times likely set off alarm bells for you. And for good reason -a month in is when you should be trying to be your best and most genuine self. His best and most genuine self is a person who is oversharing about his emotional issues and burdening you with his fears and insecurities. That's inconsiderate -to tell someone who is new in your life -who you're just getting to know -that you're already anxious about the what ifs because other women have apparently betrayed him. It doesn't make him a bad person or a bad boyfriend. But he might not be the right match for you since you prefer to be with someone who treats you as an individual and who is reasonably secure and confident. He is not that person right now.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by sammy1592
    I wouldn't have gotten into the relationship if I wasn't really in it because that's just not me.
    The same needs to be said about him. If he's already freaking out that you will leave him, then he's not relationship ready himself.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    If other women ran fast, it's because they saw the red flags waving in the air and made the wise choice to run.

    Insecurity being shown so fast, so early on is like the tip of the iceberg. The problems have just begun and if you fall into the game of trying to prove yourself to him (super manipulative game on his part, btw) it will go downhill from here. Next thing it will be the way you looked at some guy even if you didn't, then checking your phone, then don't go out with your friends, etc. No it doesn't start out as super crazy. The crazy seeps in slowly. Think like a boiling frog - the frog doesn't jump out because the water gets hot gradually.

    The reason I say that he is being manipulative is because he already inserted this idea that you must prove to him that you won't run away. You can't even deny that it's not effective, because here you are posting about it, wondering how to approach his sensitivities. 30 days in you are already walking on eggshells....lest you upset him.... Think on that. If that's not a huge neon flashing warning sign for you to run, then I don't know what is.

    Contrast that with someone who might have some unresolved baggage, but they are fairly healthy and working on it. Sure, they might mention that they've had some disappointments, but you won't walk away from that conversation feeling like you must heal them. They already own that responsibility for themselves and will resolve it for themselves and without involving you or making you responsible for how they feel. You won't be sitting thinking "gee how can I soothe them?" because it's not on you to control how someone else feels and they will be clear on that. In fact, assert boundaries about it even if you tried to insert yourself and play nurse to their wounds, you'd get a firm thanks but no thanks, not your battle to fight.

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