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Thread: Should I confront him?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    How long have you been dating and what is the date of the video? "Confront" is an aggressive word for finding something that not only he did not hide from you, but that happened before you met.

    This is the nonsense of false intimacy and false "trust" when people share passcodes. All you can do is make sure he's not taping you without your consent.
    Originally Posted by Bunhead
    My boyfriend and I are very open with our phones and tablets so we know each otherís passcodes. It had videos of him having sex with other women before we had gotten together.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    How long have you been dating and what is the date of the video? "Confront" is an aggressive word for finding something that not only he did not hide from you, but that happened before you met.

    This is the nonsense of false intimacy and false "trust" when people share passcodes. All you can do is make sure he's not taping you without your consent.
    I think the OP needs do give more info before it becomes clear if the passcodes thing has gone too far.

    Knowing the code to unlock each otherís tablet is one thing. Asking your partner to share their social media and email passwords is entirely different. From what the OP says her situation suggests the former.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by Horridhenry
    The password sharing depends on the context. I told my gf mine once because her phone had ran out of battery and she needed to see something online. I trust her not to go snooping in my photos.

    It has however become ďa thingĒ especially for younger couples. There are articles online that effectively declare it a milestone that you should plan and do at some point in a relationship. Agree it seems odd and insecure.
    Absolutely I agree if it was warranted I would give my partner my password in an emergency as this move would come from a position and place of trust and not insecurity.


    I'm old (39) and maybe a touch out of date with younger people dating but I just cannot see what good they think will come out of having each others passwords!

  4. #14
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    You shouldn't have looked.
    No point in 'confronting' when he's done nothing wrong.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by ninjabib
    Genuinely wouldn't bother me. The sharing of each others passwords is the only thing in this thread that does. A sense of insecurity with each other is what I'd feel if someone asked me to share my password.

    Now she's got his password she's randomly searched through his folders and found something she doesnt like.

    He's hidden the folder probably so OP doesn't get upset but she's gone Inspector Gadget and now she's upset. If they had respected each others privacy and not exchanged passwords none of this would exist.
    Could not agree more. We actually just talked about password stuff the other night. Because we're married, have a child, and our the father of our friend's son who is our age just died suddenly a week ago and the mom (who still lived with him, complicated) cannot get into his phone. We don't have the passwords to each other's phones. My son shares my laptop so my husband knows the password and uses it to let my son get on or for whatever. I think I'm going to suggest to him that we have some more sharing in case of emergency. I think for me the best way to be in a relationship is to give each other private space online. So if I am on my husband's computer and an email pops up or I see that he is getting a call, I might glance for the purpose of telling him as it might be important. Or I'll tell him later "hey I saw a work email pop up". I don't click. I leave my Facebook on (he's not really on FB) and have no issue if he "sees" it because I also know he won't go scrolling through. If he did it would bother me. But it's a nonissue. I think it should be a nonissue and I think looking at his past on his phone is a betrayal and violation of privacy.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Don't go through other people's **** and generally speaking things like this won't ever be a concern.

    My wife and I have never sat down and handed each other a list of passwords and associated devices, but in the 5+ years we've been together, it's happened a few times either of us has been given access to the other's device. Can happen for a variety of completely benign reasons. If / when we do ever share a password, it's with the trust that our privacy will still be respected. It's not a license to dig through the directory. I don't go into the closet and help myself to her old photo albums or her diaries. Her phone and laptop aren't exempt simply for that information being digital.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    He trusted you with his password. You used the term 'hidden folder' If you are aware that it's hidden then why did you open it?

    I trust my boyfriend with a key to my house, but I wouldnt forgive him for digging through my drawers and confronting me about something I considered personal and private.

    You need to let it go.

  9. #18
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    The fact that you are upset indicates insecurity on your part, not wrong doing on his.

    The fact that you snooped his folders indicates wrong doing on your part, not his.

    Since he handed you his tablet and essentially gave you permission to snoop, my guess is that he either has forgotten he had the videos or he knows about them and gives zero f&%$ whether or not you know about them.

    Either way, your insecurity is what you need to reflect on and work through in this situation.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Were these with consent? Is he videoing your sessions? That should be your main concern. Also change all your passcodes and account passwords. Sharing these is nonsense.
    Originally Posted by Bunhead
    It had videos of him having sex with other women .

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    It probably depends on the couple, regarding passcodes. I don't have anything worth hiding - probably a few funny apps I was trying out and forgot about, a constellations/skyview mapper thing, messages, whatsapp, email. My husband bought me my phone and the passwords were shared without thought due to a couple of incidents earlier in our marriage (we were squabbling about GPS and driving, something about having a connection or no connection or one person downloaded a map and the other didn't so we used our phones interchangeably while out of country).

    I think the idea of phones being so unique to one individual person is a novel idea and doesn't hold the same sort of importance as it would to other individuals or couples. We both treat it as forms of technology, not extensions of ourselves. In that way, there's nothing so personal about a cellphone except that it's a method for GPS-ing or messaging or keeping in touch with friends and family. I don't think it's a big deal personally. I'd be a bit taken aback if my husband came raging at me one day for peering at his phone or casually looking at the time on it. Luckily we both approach technology in the same way. We don't abuse that though. I have totally no desire to look inside the phone. If you do, OP, that's probably a bad sign. It takes time to build trust in a relationship or between people.

    The construct or idea of what a cellphone means to each of us differs and I think in that way, our corresponding uses and feelings about the phone itself changes or is different from person to person, couple to couple.

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