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Thread: Not turned on when making out, is she the wrong one for me?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Hey, thanks for all the replies everyone, and nice to see some of you again after all these years still on these boards. You people are making me feel a lot better, I don't have many people to talk to about this, my mom died last year and my dad drinks. You're right I was caught off-guard. I admit I was putting the moves on her a bit and initiated a lot of this stuff. But she also misread my intentions, and I really didn't think she would want to have sex that fast! I thought it would end at making out, I can't believe she implied about going into the woods. She's been a very physically reserved woman as I have said. She's a got a spiritual and religious background, she's kind of old-school. So yeah, it was kind of a big shock to me she implied that. Our other plans that evening, she thought I was lying about them so that we would instead fool around some.

    At our evening plans, we actually had a great time, we were holding hands, cuddling, kissing more. It felt "right", but I still wasn't turned on (yet). I felt a slight pressure the night that she would want to try to have sex after the event was over. I asked if she wanted to, but she changed her mind after she calmed down from our earlier makeout session, and said she didn't have birth control or anything (neither did I). And honestly, I only asked her cause I thought that's what she wanted, it really wasn't I wanted yet. Last night, I texted and apologized, and told her my honest intention was to just go for a first kiss, and I was glad we didn't cross that line yet because I don't think neither of us were ready. I have not heard back from her since then but she is a busy woman. She's starting to know and trust me, she knows I'm kind and sweet to her. Hopefully she understands.

    I just hope now she doesn't take me for some master seduction artist (I'm not), or think I don't like her, things just kind of happened naturally. I had zero plans to have sex with her so soon. And yes @dancingfool, you are totally right about me! I plan things out a bit too much/excessively. I'm very nervous, always worried about texting, saying, doing the wrong thing. And yes, I absolutely did put her on the pedestal as you say. I fall for people too fast, too soon. We were both talking about how strongly we feel for each other, and we kind of want to be exclusive now (which isn't bad at all). Maybe it's all too much too soon for a stranger from the internet, and then piling the physical stuff on top.

    You know what? Talk about setting, too. The park (to me), wasn't as romantic as I thought it would be. There was tons and tons of people, all these kids, cars were honking horns at us. The sun was kind of blinding me. And yes, the kissing was kind of bad, I think she may have never been with a guy before. Maybe a different setting would have got me. I would like to dial it back and continue seeing her if she wants. We'll see what happens from here. We had a really, really good day together other than that, I think (both me and her) would be dumb to throw it away at this point over some of the awkwardness from physical contact.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    I'll just put it very bluntly for you then - early on, some awkwardness is normal. You don't know each other, like it or not, you are not that comfortable with each other and aren't used to each other, invariably there is some nervousness on both sides involved, there is also a learning curve in terms of what you both like or not and how. So try not to over analyze or beat yourself up over that. It's just normal. Takes time and practice for things to align properly so to speak, so just try your best to relax, don't over think and enjoy the journey instead of fixating on the destination. The journey, the discovery is supposed to be part of the fun.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That's ok. just keep dating and let the affection be more of a slow burn than a blaze. If you like this lady, just keep asking her out, keep up the momentum and see how it goes.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Rose Mosse's Avatar
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    Just take it easy. Reevaluate whether you're compatible and don't place too many expectations on each other. It's far too early to start getting stuffy and claustrophobic or question the relationship. If it's too much for you at this time, maybe a relationship isn't a good idea.

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  6. #15
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    I'm glad you're going to give her another chance. Please do not rush having sexual intercourse with her.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Just to add; save important discussions for in person, not texting. Texting lacks tone and could be misread. I probably wouldn't have addressed anything about this date, dredging up the awkwardness. I would've just asked her out for another date and made it fun, instead of all of this analyzing going on.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by musicman777
    I have not heard back from her since then but she is a busy woman. She's starting to know and trust me, she knows I'm kind and sweet to her. Hopefully she understands.
    Since you more or less put the brakes on, I think you should reach out to her.
    She doesn't know you that well and she's probably taken a step back to see what happens.
    I'd put this behind you and act like it didn't happen. Plan something fun to do together and you'll know when the time is right.

  9. #18
    Wisemanís posts resonate the most with me.

    Sexuality is so complex, so fluid and unique to all of us, at different times with different people. This is just my opinion based on my own experience and what Iíve read in books and articles but often times the passion and crazy psycho sex (such that youíre referring to musicman777) is based not on love, but on longing.

    Love is cherishing what you do have, longing is craving what you donít have, and that craving feeling comes from anxiety, uncertainty and insecurity. Not warmth, caring, security and that special feeling you have for your partner when in love or falling in love such that you are experiencing now with your current girlfriend.

    You posted your ex mentioned something to her ex, the ex she apparently was more attracted to than she is to you, that she is ready for ďrealĒ relationship. This leads to believe that what she had with him, and perhaps other men, was not a relationship at all, but rather a casual dating experience where she was left with a lot of uncertainty, a lot of distance (emotional and physical), a lot of craving, a lot of longing!

    Yes of course she felt she was more sexually attracted to him, she didnít ďhaveĒ him! The majority of her time was spent longing for him and craving him. Fantasizing about him. That's my guess anyway based on what you posted.

    With you, itís quite different. She feels secure with you, cared for, loved, no doubt special, there is no longing, uncertainty, insecurity or craving so naturally the sex is going to be different with you - calmer, less exciting perhaps (in your eyes), less "psycho," but awesome nonetheless and special in its own uniqueness.

    So itís really a trade off musicman777. What do you want, whatís more important to you? That crazy, passionate psycho sex, based on longing, uncertainty and anxiety you had with your ex OR a calmer and more peaceful way of expressing your sexuality with your current girlfriend.

    Itís your choice mm, you cannot have both, NOT possible. We are not robots that can be "programmed" into having kinky hot sex just because it's what we prefer. It's certainly nothing that can be forced or manufactured by mere virtue it's what we want.

    Unless one is so detached from their emotions, themselves and their partner, but I have not found that to be true in very many cases.
    Last edited by Sunflowersee; 10-15-2019 at 05:50 PM.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Great advise, Sunflower.
    I've experience a little bit of this myself. Valuable lesson to learn.
    What I believed were my greatest loves, were unrequited loves. So it wasn't really love at all.
    Until I knew better I associated love with that intense angst and longing.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member musicman777's Avatar
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    Hey all,
    Thank you so much for all the replies. I've been talking with my friends as well as went to see my therapist today. With my therapist, I talked about everything, thinks I've never told her about before, with sex, masturbation, etc. I just want to approach this subject as clear as possible. I also received a text from the lady I am dating. She at this point, is on the fence about continuing our relationship now, and said that we did indeed move to fast, and she's very confused now. I know it's best left to spoken words, but, I texted her back. I told her a little about my history with women, and that I'm not all that experienced in the physical department. I said I fall for people too fast, too easy.

    I said, I would be willing to dial it back a lot, let's maybe hit the reset switch and see where things go. Get to know her a little more, her friends, her family. And it would be OK if she didn't want to. I don't know people, I kind of feel like I lost my passion and desire for this person after this experience though. I'm starting to think, maybe she's just not my type! She doesn't get my motor running. She's a beautiful woman, but maybe not the right one for me. So I'm not sure I want to continue this myself. We'll see what happens with this, if I want to go on a few more dates and feel things out if she even wants to at this point.

    It felt very magical in the beginning, now it feels questionable and awkward. Even before we dated, I questioned if she was my type. I was so used to getting constantly rejected on the dating websites, it felt good when someone finally messaged me that was decent looking and showing a lot of interest in me. Maybe that's starting to become more apparent to my inner psyche now. I started looking at her pictures on Facebook. I been wanting a blonde girl. She's brunette. I kind of like women that wear some makeup, eg. eyeliner. She wears no make up. Some things about her face, I don't know. I hate to say it because she is a beautiful girl, but maybe not the right kind for me.

    I feel like garbage saying any of the above now, I feel like I am doing what women typically do to me. Kind of lose interest, maybe not find me all that attractive. I don't know.

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