Jump to content

Not turned on when making out, is she the wrong one for me?


Recommended Posts

Hey ENA,

It's been a while, and I could really use all your advice and opinion on this subject. So, after many many years of struggling to find someone. In my late 20's, I finally found this amazing woman on a dating site. Note, I've made several other improvements in my life to get to this point. Better job, career, therapy, working on depression, I've really turned my life around and become (I think) a more desirable person. Anyway, we've been talking about a month~ and have been on three dates so far. Emotionally, and in the beginning, I felt in instant connection to her. I thought, this woman could be my future wife. We instantly hit it off, it felt like we've known each other longer than we have. She's kind, sweet, everything I ever wanted.

But, there's one problem that's killing me. On Saturday, we went to an outdoor thing for our third date, as well as had plans to go to a show later that day. Well, at this outdoor thing. I went here because I wanted to go for the first kiss. I did, and, we started making out, pretty hot and heavy. And she was very very turned on and, at one point, suggested we go in the woods to "do it". The problem? I wasn't anywhere as turned on as her. :icon_sad:

 

It's absolutely crushing me. Now, honestly... I'm inexperienced when it comes to the physical stuff with women. But, I know I'm straight. I've liked women since I was little. I've had women mearly touch me in as far back as grade school and I would get instantly aroused. I had an ex (I never had sex with), but the kissing would turn me on big-time. But, for this woman... there was just nothing.

It's completely ruining my life, I feel like less of a man, and additionally worrying she's not the one now, it's making my head spin. I don't know if it was anxiety of the situation. I mean, prior to this, she was a very very physically reserved girl. She only gave me like half a hug on our first date. The second date, it felt like she didn't want to be kissed (yet). Now all of a sudden, she's moaning heavy and tells me she's turned on making out. I'm concerned because, I'm (normally) a very aroused guy. Like, there is part of me that probably would have took her in the woods and did something, but it didn't awaken for some reason. I also don't know if it's a physical problem. I'm almost 30, I now have high blood pressure, my doctor is actually sending me to get tests next month, including one for my thyroid. Some maybe it's a physical problem? Still, prior to this, the week (even night before), I was very aroused and fantasizing about her even if you catch my drift. I've never had sexual problems before on an individual level. And, I want to mention, on our second date... I was aroused the whole time, when we were just cuddling watching a movie. So I'm confused why the making out didn't escalate that. I don't know, I guess I'm saying I didn't feel sparks when I kissed her.

 

Have any of you experienced this before? I'm very concerned that, the main problem here is that I'm not physically into her now. :icon_sad: Why I wasn't as turned on as she was? It's crushing me and breaking my heart, she's so perfect, and she is very beautiful, I do feel very physically drawn to her. I just don't know why I didn't feel more aroused at that park to go down on her. And now, after this event, I've gotten severe sexual anxiety in general. I can't "get it up" looking at anything online, I can't eat right, threw half my dinner away last night! I normally get "in the mood" on a daily basis.

My friends and close family think I should continue seeing her and just take things slow until I feel more comfortable in that department, and address this anxiety issue now. But yeah, I'm freaking out about it. Fortunately I go to therapy every couple weeks, and today I have an appointment today and plan on talking about all this. But I want opinions from others. I just feel like such garbage right now. It's taken me YEARS to find someone this special and someone I connect with. I just hope we have sexual compatibility. I want to mention, we had other plans for that day, and she misinterpreted things thinking I took her there to put moves on her. I only wanted to go in for a first kiss as I am a gentleman. I never had a woman react that way to me before. I'm very flattered, I just want to make sure this is the right person for me.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear this. Do you find her attractive? Are you willing to try a few more dates to see if you relax and feelings come about more naturally? The 'lets go in the woods' thing would not be for everyone, what was up with that? Can you pace this a bit? Maybe her aggressiveness was somewhat of a turn off?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's very difficult to feel turned on and really be in the moment when you've spent so much time thinking and planning that moment out. Will take her to x event to create the right environment for that first kiss, must be magical first kiss, etc. That's you putting a ridiculous amount of pressure on you and getting lost too much inside of your own head. Of course you aren't going to be turned on when you aren't really in the moment.

 

Dude chill, relax, learn to go with the flow. These things shouldn't be planned out and orchestrated like that. Most importantly, get out of your head and give yourself time to relax enough to actually enjoy yourself instead of being hyper focused on "the plan" and how you want to appear, etc, etc, etc. When you can shut off the what if's in your brain, you might find yourself relaxed enough to simply enjoy the moment and get turned on.

 

Also, please stop with the she is all this and all that. She is just human, flawed, imperfect, with good qualities and bad. When you put her on such an insane pedestal....how can you possibly feel comfortable around that. You are both human. Wrap your mind around that - it might help.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You can meet someone who ticks off all the boxes BUT there is no emotional connection. You can't go by looks alone, or if they seem simply great, make you laugh, etc....it's called chemistry. There is no chemistry and it's not unusual. And by no means is she the the one. This happens more so with women...we can't feel any real intimacy without some emotional connection/bond. Well you just happen to be that way too.

Plenty of people are in your predicament...just have to understand there is nothing wrong with you IMO. You just haven't met a person that has all the right stuff yet.

Also it's possible there are things that do turn you off about her that you are avoiding/ignoring because you want this so bad.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe it was too soon to make out on the third date. I know I need to have some kind of 'mental spark' with a man to be turned on, and this does not have to be instant. Also, don't put too much pressure on yourself, just because she wanted to go in the woods, you don't have to feel comfortable doing it as well.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Since you mention therapy and depression, if you're on antidepressants, that could've affected your libido at that moment. If you'd been taking the pill in the evening, try taking it in the morning instead. Or maybe you didn't feel comfortable making out with other people around at the outdoor event.

 

Since you find her attractive and have fantasized about her, I'd give it more time. Try not to project to the future and just try to enjoy the moment of spending time with an attractive, kind woman.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

In this situation I would give it one or two more chances but do not have sex. You don't have to test chemistry by actually having sex. Do you desire to kiss and touch her? Do you like holding hands/hugging her? I also think she came on too strong and you might have been overwhelmed which led to your feeling anxious about not feeling as turned on as she was. I do not think you need to question whether you like women -yes, you do, you just might not be attracted to this woman. But I would give it a few more chances. All the best to you. I'm sorry you're this upset/stressed about this.

Link to post
Share on other sites

If she was the one, way too much pressure on yourself to perform. My 1st great love, we tried to do it after one month, and he couldn't. Then we talked about it, then got it on left and right. I mean, are you attracted to her. Was the kissing bad, or were you not in the right mindset, like you weren't planning on it?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would slow the pace down and give her more chances. Get to know her better. Just a peck on the lips not full on make out sessions.

 

I think by rushing into things it can become anxiety ridden especially when you’re trying to get to know someone.

 

It’s not you nor is it her. My guess is you’re overthinking and anxiety have come into play here.

 

If you felt aroused before the kissing that’s a good sign.

 

I just think her wanting to have sex right then and there scared you.

 

If the kisses continue to lack and you get vibes that she’s not the one as you go along. You’ll need to move on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

And, I want to mention, on our second date... I was aroused the whole time, when we were just cuddling watching a movie.

 

I think you were surprised or caught off guard about her assertiveness. I wouldn't over think it, especially in light of you being aroused with her previously. The timing wasn't right for you. That's ok. Shake it off. Don't fall down the `what's wrong with me?' rabbit hole.

 

Just tell her you need to take things a little slower. You'll get there.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey, thanks for all the replies everyone, and nice to see some of you again after all these years still on these boards. You people are making me feel a lot better, I don't have many people to talk to about this, my mom died last year and my dad drinks. You're right I was caught off-guard. I admit I was putting the moves on her a bit and initiated a lot of this stuff. But she also misread my intentions, and I really didn't think she would want to have sex that fast! I thought it would end at making out, I can't believe she implied about going into the woods. She's been a very physically reserved woman as I have said. She's a got a spiritual and religious background, she's kind of old-school. So yeah, it was kind of a big shock to me she implied that. Our other plans that evening, she thought I was lying about them so that we would instead fool around some.

 

At our evening plans, we actually had a great time, we were holding hands, cuddling, kissing more. It felt "right", but I still wasn't turned on (yet). I felt a slight pressure the night that she would want to try to have sex after the event was over. I asked if she wanted to, but she changed her mind after she calmed down from our earlier makeout session, and said she didn't have birth control or anything (neither did I). And honestly, I only asked her cause I thought that's what she wanted, it really wasn't I wanted yet. Last night, I texted and apologized, and told her my honest intention was to just go for a first kiss, and I was glad we didn't cross that line yet because I don't think neither of us were ready. I have not heard back from her since then but she is a busy woman. She's starting to know and trust me, she knows I'm kind and sweet to her. Hopefully she understands.

 

I just hope now she doesn't take me for some master seduction artist (I'm not), or think I don't like her, things just kind of happened naturally. I had zero plans to have sex with her so soon. And yes @dancingfool, you are totally right about me! I plan things out a bit too much/excessively. I'm very nervous, always worried about texting, saying, doing the wrong thing. And yes, I absolutely did put her on the pedestal as you say. I fall for people too fast, too soon. We were both talking about how strongly we feel for each other, and we kind of want to be exclusive now (which isn't bad at all). Maybe it's all too much too soon for a stranger from the internet, and then piling the physical stuff on top.

 

You know what? Talk about setting, too. The park (to me), wasn't as romantic as I thought it would be. There was tons and tons of people, all these kids, cars were honking horns at us. The sun was kind of blinding me. And yes, the kissing was kind of bad, I think she may have never been with a guy before. Maybe a different setting would have got me. I would like to dial it back and continue seeing her if she wants. We'll see what happens from here. We had a really, really good day together other than that, I think (both me and her) would be dumb to throw it away at this point over some of the awkwardness from physical contact.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'll just put it very bluntly for you then - early on, some awkwardness is normal. You don't know each other, like it or not, you are not that comfortable with each other and aren't used to each other, invariably there is some nervousness on both sides involved, there is also a learning curve in terms of what you both like or not and how. So try not to over analyze or beat yourself up over that. It's just normal. Takes time and practice for things to align properly so to speak, so just try your best to relax, don't over think and enjoy the journey instead of fixating on the destination. The journey, the discovery is supposed to be part of the fun.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just take it easy. Reevaluate whether you're compatible and don't place too many expectations on each other. It's far too early to start getting stuffy and claustrophobic or question the relationship. If it's too much for you at this time, maybe a relationship isn't a good idea.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just to add; save important discussions for in person, not texting. Texting lacks tone and could be misread. I probably wouldn't have addressed anything about this date, dredging up the awkwardness. I would've just asked her out for another date and made it fun, instead of all of this analyzing going on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I have not heard back from her since then but she is a busy woman. She's starting to know and trust me, she knows I'm kind and sweet to her. Hopefully she understands.

Since you more or less put the brakes on, I think you should reach out to her.

She doesn't know you that well and she's probably taken a step back to see what happens.

I'd put this behind you and act like it didn't happen. Plan something fun to do together and you'll know when the time is right.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Wiseman’s posts resonate the most with me.

 

Sexuality is so complex, so fluid and unique to all of us, at different times with different people. This is just my opinion based on my own experience and what I’ve read in books and articles but often times the passion and crazy psycho sex (such that you’re referring to musicman777) is based not on love, but on longing.

 

Love is cherishing what you do have, longing is craving what you don’t have, and that craving feeling comes from anxiety, uncertainty and insecurity. Not warmth, caring, security and that special feeling you have for your partner when in love or falling in love such that you are experiencing now with your current girlfriend.

 

You posted your ex mentioned something to her ex, the ex she apparently was more attracted to than she is to you, that she is ready for “real” relationship. This leads to believe that what she had with him, and perhaps other men, was not a relationship at all, but rather a casual dating experience where she was left with a lot of uncertainty, a lot of distance (emotional and physical), a lot of craving, a lot of longing!

 

Yes of course she felt she was more sexually attracted to him, she didn’t “have” him! The majority of her time was spent longing for him and craving him. Fantasizing about him. That's my guess anyway based on what you posted.

 

With you, it’s quite different. She feels secure with you, cared for, loved, no doubt special, there is no longing, uncertainty, insecurity or craving so naturally the sex is going to be different with you - calmer, less exciting perhaps (in your eyes), less "psycho," but awesome nonetheless and special in its own uniqueness.

 

So it’s really a trade off musicman777. What do you want, what’s more important to you? That crazy, passionate psycho sex, based on longing, uncertainty and anxiety you had with your ex OR a calmer and more peaceful way of expressing your sexuality with your current girlfriend.

 

It’s your choice mm, you cannot have both, NOT possible. We are not robots that can be "programmed" into having kinky hot sex just because it's what we prefer. It's certainly nothing that can be forced or manufactured by mere virtue it's what we want.

 

Unless one is so detached from their emotions, themselves and their partner, but I have not found that to be true in very many cases.

Edited by Sunflowersee
Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey all,

Thank you so much for all the replies. I've been talking with my friends as well as went to see my therapist today. With my therapist, I talked about everything, thinks I've never told her about before, with sex, masturbation, etc. I just want to approach this subject as clear as possible. I also received a text from the lady I am dating. She at this point, is on the fence about continuing our relationship now, and said that we did indeed move to fast, and she's very confused now. I know it's best left to spoken words, but, I texted her back. I told her a little about my history with women, and that I'm not all that experienced in the physical department. I said I fall for people too fast, too easy.

 

I said, I would be willing to dial it back a lot, let's maybe hit the reset switch and see where things go. Get to know her a little more, her friends, her family. And it would be OK if she didn't want to. I don't know people, I kind of feel like I lost my passion and desire for this person after this experience though. :icon_sad: I'm starting to think, maybe she's just not my type! She doesn't get my motor running. She's a beautiful woman, but maybe not the right one for me. So I'm not sure I want to continue this myself. We'll see what happens with this, if I want to go on a few more dates and feel things out if she even wants to at this point.

 

It felt very magical in the beginning, now it feels questionable and awkward. Even before we dated, I questioned if she was my type. I was so used to getting constantly rejected on the dating websites, it felt good when someone finally messaged me that was decent looking and showing a lot of interest in me. Maybe that's starting to become more apparent to my inner psyche now. I started looking at her pictures on Facebook. I been wanting a blonde girl. She's brunette. I kind of like women that wear some makeup, eg. eyeliner. She wears no make up. Some things about her face, I don't know. I hate to say it because she is a beautiful girl, but maybe not the right kind for me.

 

I feel like garbage saying any of the above now, I feel like I am doing what women typically do to me. Kind of lose interest, maybe not find me all that attractive. I don't know. :icon_sad:

Link to post
Share on other sites
Great advise, Sunflower.

I've experience a little bit of this myself. Valuable lesson to learn.

What I believed were my greatest loves, were unrequited loves. So it wasn't really love at all.

Until I knew better I associated love with that intense angst and longing.

 

Thanks but think I may have posted this to the wrong thread! I meant to post it to the poster (cainsim?) whose current girlfriend is more attracted to/sexually turned on by her ex than him, or so he believes.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey all,

I final update regarding this topic for the night. After talking with my friend, therapist, kind of doing some soul searching. I decided that, I still want to see this lady. I called her up but I think she was asleep, she typically goes to bed very early. I left a VM telling her I still wanted to see her and would like to dial it back, bring things back to where they were on our first couple dates. Not focus on the future or think about getting physical too fast, just have fun and relax. I apologized that things happened too quickly.

I just think, there's a lot of anxiety going on right now. I have bad anxiety in general, and now it's directed at this part of my life in full focus. I'm willing to just take things slow and see if things work out between us, because prior to this, we had such amazing chemistry. I don't think it's worth throwing away (yet). My therapist said, you don't always feel sparks/fire when kissing someone so early on. She said, things aren't like in the movies. She thinks I had performance anxiety as far as not being turned on goes.

 

I also think, this woman I'm seeing is very inexperienced with men and dating. I think it's very plausible she's a virgin and maybe eager to "lose it", my therapist mentioned that in particular. She says we need to have open discussions about this stuff before crossing that line. Ask her if she's been with any guys, etc. Maybe she wasn't being her genuine self getting into the situation as much as she was.

I'm willing to take this slow and go on some more fun, low-key dates. If things still don't feel right with her, I can chalk it up as experience. If she don't want to date me anymore, well, same thing. Life goes on. I'm gonna try to focus on my work now and my other hobbies for the rest of this night. There's more to life than dating and romance 24/7 and it get's quite exhausting thinking about it all the time!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Emm, Didnt you have this, slow down, not ready conversation already?

Things like this tend to be fragile early on. Belaboring it probably wasnt the best move.

No doubt this has been weighing heavily on her as well.

Shes likely either wondering if your not interested, but with the added voicemail she's likely to catch on to your anxiety.

This will tilt in your favor or not. It will be interesting to hear her interpration.

I personally think you should have lightened the mood and moved on from it. But what's done is done.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...