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Thread: Afraid of Loving a Good Man?

  1. #11
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm of mixed minds here.

    Speaking frankly, there is something about the way you write about this stuff—this guy, the last guy, the whole thing in general—that I find troubling. You seem to go from 0 to 60 (or maybe 0 to "gooey," is more accurate) in your mind, twisting the throttle all the harder when there are signs that something is off, and in the process struggling to actually be in the the thing in front of you, whatever that thing may be. It's like you're conditioning yourself, or somehow pre-conditioned, to believe that certain feelings (doubts, concerns, lack of attraction, lack of reciprocity, emotional volatility, etc.) are loaded with meaning instead of just things to observe, and perhaps things to step back from instead of into.

    This guy, for instance. Why can't he just be a "man" who you are getting to know, exploring? Why must he be a the foundation of a loaded question about being "afraid to love a good man"? Why bring "love" into something that, in the scheme of things, has existed for five minutes? It's as if you find the points of damage (your fears, his potential fears) to be the velcro and kindling for connection and love, an emotion you seem very drawn to feel at all times. Can't help but wonder if you find some kind of comfort in this idea of being someone whose "love life is a mess" rather than what you are: a young woman, mid-20s, looking around, feeling around, open to a love you haven't found. Nothing messy about that, you know?

    Anyhow, I don't know if this is possible, but the advice I want to give is, basically, to chill. He's a dude. Not good, not bad, not telepathic. Just a dude. Maybe too fresh out of something, maybe not. You'll know you guys work well if you can actually enjoy yourself with him, and alongside him, rather than asking a zillion questions, putting him and yourself on the petri dish. Is it a valid concern that he's recently out of something big? Of course. Just observe. Frankly, I find this "heavy romantic" and "emphasis on falling in love" stuff far more eyebrow-raising than his past. What's that even mean?

    I don't mean that to sound harsh. Past the goo and the gauze is the real stuff. Time reveals that, and time is a thing we can only lean into if we're comfortable in our own skin, solid inside our own shells, not thirsty for some thing or someone to fill us up and transport us to an intergalactic world of rainbows and unicorns. Often the concerns we have about others early are really concerns we have about ourselves, about what is driving us, so it's worth asking if these questions about you being a "bandaid" or a "void filler" are actually things you're worried you're doing with him, using him for.

  2. #12
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    1) Stay away from men at work. Coworkers. Clients. Customers. Reps from Supply Companies. Anyone who crosses the threshold of your workplace.

    2) Find other ways to meet men. There are tons of ways to do that. Volunteer. Get involved in the local rotary, pet rescue, big brothers/big sisters, whatever floats your boat. Go to meetup groups. Meet more FEMALE friends because female friends have their coworkers, brothers, etc.

    3) 2 months sometimes is okay SOMETIMES if the person emotionally checked out long ago (seperated and living in different states for 3 years but only actually divorced for a few months - but NOT to jump into a relationship, show off your credit score -- inviting someone as a plus one to use theater tickets you have - or something like that -- that's fine. So no heavy dating, but socializing might be okay. I think you both are moving too fast.

  3. #13
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    Not everyone has rebounds, and most do it earlier on than 3 months afterwards.

    In my opinion 3 months is a reasonable amount of time to get over a 3 year relationship, though everyone is different, of course.

    He seems like a nice guy, so you should just give him a chance.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by Malon98

    He seems like a nice guy, so you should just give him a chance.
    My question is why must she go from one coworker/person related to her place of business to the next one?

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ConfusedLady21
    He's a competent potential partner, but I feel my doubts and insecurities creeping in and I am starting to distance myself a bit. Am I wrong?
    I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself.

    What are YOU looking for in a relationship?

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