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Thread: Which one of us is the problem?

  1. #51
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    Man Batya33 haha, you always gotta hit where it hurts the most with the truest of truths. I was coming around to the optimistic side of things, then you said every thought I've ever had/do have about Ryan in exactly the way I think them. Haha I don't even have anything to say to that, you just hit the nail on the head. And I know now that's exactly what I didn't want to and needed to hear. Hmm... do you think it's possible to find that stability this late in the game, if I could change myself for the better and grow a new foundation with him? Or is it a general rule to you that not feeling the magic for this long is only bad?

    To reinventmyself - I was just having a crappy day because of my own stuff, and he was too, there was way more negativity yesterday than usual, and it was only for like 5 hours before it all went back to normal.

  2. #52
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Kira L


    To reinventmyself - I was just having a crappy day because of my own stuff, and he was too, there was way more negativity yesterday than usual, and it was only for like 5 hours before it all went back to normal.
    That back and forth. Would you sign up for a life time of that? Because honestly, what you have is standing right in front of you. It's a fools errand waiting around for someone to be someone they are not.

    Look, we're being pretty hard on you. It could very well just be jitters and though he's not perfect, you two could live happily ever after.
    All I can say at this point is put some of these questions to rest before you ever decide to marry the guy and have kids with him.
    You only get on life. Live it well and don't did it in fear.

  3. #53
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    Originally Posted by Kira L
    Man Batya33 haha, you always gotta hit where it hurts the most with the truest of truths. I was coming around to the optimistic side of things, then you said every thought I've ever had/do have about Ryan in exactly the way I think them. Haha I don't even have anything to say to that, you just hit the nail on the head. And I know now that's exactly what I didn't want to and needed to hear. Hmm... do you think it's possible to find that stability this late in the game, if I could change myself for the better and grow a new foundation with him? Or is it a general rule to you that not feeling the magic for this long is only bad?

    To reinventmyself - I was just having a crappy day because of my own stuff, and he was too, there was way more negativity yesterday than usual, and it was only for like 5 hours before it all went back to normal.
    No I'm not "hitting" or intending to "hurt". Same thing was written to me way back when when I was agonizing over whether to marry my then boyfriend. Wow if I could do it all over again we'd have dated less than a year, not seven on and off. And the only reason I don't beat myself up over that is that about 2 years after we broke up, finally, he met his future wife. I am not in touch with him for many years now (she contacted me after the wedding -we'd never met but she wanted to meet me) - but I assume he is happily married and thank goodness despite my making him crazy with my back and forth (although it takes two) he found his forever person and family. I wasn't quite ready to hear it - I preferred to twist myself in a pretzel and try to convince myself that we were right together (did the same thing with other good guys too, I was the quintessential runaway bride).

    I think the only way to know in your situation is to take a three month break where you don't date anyone else or try to. And absolutely no contact other than life/death emergencies with your partner - no social meda either. In that time just live your life. In that time see whether you miss him, and him not just the idea of him or his good parts or his financial stabiliy, and whether you realize that you want to live your life with him (as opposed to the dramatic but short lived "ohhhhh I cannot live without him!!!"). If he is not willing then he's entitled - he may choose just to move on. I do not think you can know or learn this while still being with him. Because for one thing you'll be biased in favor of trying to force yourself to feel a spark because you'll crave the comfort of playing house, playing at being a couple.

    My general sense is that if you don't feel a spark now you are unlikely to. I did feel a spark 8 years later but we'd both changed so much and experienced so much both personally and professionally that it was easy to see why we now sparked.

  4. #54
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Both of you are mismatched.

    If you're not sure if he's "thee one," cancel wedding plans and perhaps he's not for you.

    Make a list of pros and cons. Take a piece of paper, write what you admire about him and for the other column, write everything you don't like about him. See if his pros outweigh the cons.

    Some couples are lucky and completely 100% compatible in all areas, however, this is rare because everyone has their foibles. Characteristic traits could stem from how they were raised, their family background, religion, childhood, teen or adulthood trauma, peers or simply due to their personality from birth.

    Most of the time, there is no such thing as a "perfect" person. It really depends upon what you're willing to tolerate or not tolerate. If you truly feel that you cannot and will not endure and tolerate how your boyfriend is and you foresee a miserable future with him, then either remain as his girlfriend or break up since you don't see a legal commitment and serious future with him. Those are your two choices.

    I've been happily married for a long time with 2 great sons. In the very beginning during dating and engagement, I loved everything about my husband. He hails from an amazing family, they're nurturing, loving, stable, normal, very "mom 'n pop 'n apple pie" types, empathetic and incredible. I struck gold with him. My husband is very helpful, kind, considerate, engineer type, fixes everything such as cars and the home, does yard work, helps pick up the slack with all errands, chores, housecleaning, laundry, child rearing, you name it, he does it. He's a clean guy, not a slob. If anything breaks, he can fix it. He saves us a ton of money. He uses coupons and discount perks. He always makes sure cars are maintained, washed and filled up with gas. I don't even remember the last time I was at the gas pump! He's a jack-of-all trades and extremely handy. I love that in a man.

    When I was a new mother, he got up in the middle of the night to change diapers, handed the baby to me so I could nurse, did all this for both sons and had to report to work that morning! He grocery shopped, cooked, did laundry, cleaned the house, did everything. I never had to ask either. He just did it.

    I can lean on him. He's very reliable and dependable. He's a gentleman and treats people with respect, dignity and integrity. He never embarrasses nor humiliates me.

    He's extremely loyal and devoted because he observed his father treat his mother with love and respect all his life. I'm very fortunate.

    However, he's human, too with faults just like I have my faults. Sometimes he loses his patience and we bicker. He's not into sappy greeting cards, flowers, chocolate, Valentine's Day, surprise parties for me, breakfast in bed and quite clueless as to what to buy for me and what to do. He doesn't compliment habitually. There are times when silence is the sincerest form of flattery. The time to worry is when a person complains if something is wrong with you! I'm fine with how he is and I don't whine.

    I see men in public who are touchy-feely with their wives or girlfriends and it's fine for them whereas we don't partake in gushy public displays of affection. I don't go ga-ga over him nor gaze in his eyes as if I belong in a mental institution! To him anyway! It's just not our way. It's fine for other couples, however, we are who we are.

    I have a long list of what I would like for my husband to do such as become more sentimental, for example but it's simply not part of his DNA nor will I implore him to change to the point of unnatural. I'm fine with how he is. I don't demand, command nor have unrealistic expectations because what he does for me everyday, 365 days a year far outweighs his shortcomings. I pick my battles.

    He out earns me and I supplement his income. It works. We're not wealthy by any means, however, we're financially settled, pay our bills on time, enjoy a very comfortable middle class lifestyle and reside in the suburbs.

    He's more adventuresome, enjoys long road trips, local and faraway vacations, doesn't mind flying for vacation destinations, enjoys tours, camping, backpacking, hiking, a lot of socializing with friends and family. However, I'm the complete opposite of him! I'm a homebody at heart and perfectly content cooking dinner and enjoying delicious home cooked meals at home. He and his family are restaurant people. I'm a potluck person. My husband isn't a good cook. I enjoy cooking. We balance each other out because he's my sous chef, washes dirty pots 'n pans, helps with post-meals kitchen clean up and we compromise. It works. For everything negative, there's a positive.

    My husband is more mechanically inclined whereas I'm more creative. I sew quilts, embroider, crochet, do calligraphy, embossing, stamping, painting, cake decorating, make greeting cards, sew, make wax seals for envelopes, love to gift wrap fancily, scrapbook, cook, bake and make jewelry. My husband is all thumbs when it comes to anything artistic. I love to read books and him? Not so much. I love movies whereas he'd rather sleep. He's particular about his music genre. I don't always like what he likes and vice versa. We have different interests, tastes and hobbies.

    In the past, before my dog passed away 6 months ago, I enjoyed taking walks with my husband and dog in the neighborhood. Now, my husband and I take walks.

    I always encourage my husband to do his outdoorsy activities with his friends yet he doesn't want to. He speaks superficially with his male friends. I on the other hand, have a BFF whom I've known since childhood and we catch up on family gossip, human psychology, get together several times a month and we're each others outlet. Sometimes we'll go out as couples and he likes my BFF's husband. My husband enjoys frequenting car shows on weekend mornings which I hate! I let him do his thing whereas he lets me do my own thing whether it's with friends, hobbies, exercise, outings, etc. We balance each other out and we don't have to do everything together. Space is healthy.

    I can't speak for you, however, I find that core values are what is most important in a long term relationship or marriage.

    I know other men among my friends and family who are super affectionate, their hands are all over the place with their wives or girlfriends yet they're real jerks. They're exciting, smooth talkers, impulsive, etc. They're extremely selfish, self-centered, never help their wives or girlfriends, rude, boorish, disrespectful, sometimes unfaithful, have a roving eye, flirtatious, act dishonorably when their significant others are not looking, narcissistic, experts at gaslighting, some are sociopaths, miserly, penny-pinching, cheap, embarrassing, demanding, commanding, unkind, in debt, violent, drink, do drugs, use foul language, immoral, very worldly and the list is very long.

    You have to weigh what's important to you, what you want long term, if you can visualize a long term commitment and marriage to your boyfriend and determine if he's for you or not. If you're not completely satisfied with accepting him warts and all, then there's no future with him unless you prefer to remain status quo.

    I don't like everything about my husband. I don't know of anyone who likes everything about anybody. There is always something. For me, the good outweighs the bad.

    My husband and I don't have that 'spark' nor are we smitten to each other 24 / 7. Our love is consistent, we show our love in other ways without fanfare, we are content and comfortable with this harmonious life. At the end of the day, he knows he can count on me and I know I can count on him if my very life depended on it. For us, it's something to be very grateful for. We aren't "perfect," however we feel extremely blessed to have each other for life. Some couples can be different yet very happily married for a long time. For other couples, it's not enough if their differences are something they refuse to accept and tolerate. You decide what is right for you.

    Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side and there are times when the grass isn't greener on the other side.

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  6. #55
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    "Make a list of pros and cons. Take a piece of paper, write what you admire about him and for the other column, write everything you don't like about him. See if his pros outweigh the cons. "

    So I am not against this and loved what I read years ago in a wedding column at a well known newspaper that had weekly featured wedding stories -that you can make that list but at the end of the day it's not going to carry the day as far as choosing to commit or not. I do think it can be helpful for someone who is reasonably sure and excited but has nuts and bolts type issues to navigate - frustrating or annoying stuff that causes the bickering Cherlyn mentioned (my marriage is a lot like Cheryln's -not totally but I so get her and her relationship and am so jealous that she is crafty. I am not. At all. But my husband is handy/has his own tool box,etc. Sigh). I think doing a pros/cons list in the OP's situation is going to give her further excuses to prolong this mismatched/not quite right relationship rather than getting to the root of things.

  7. #56
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    "Make a list of pros and cons. Take a piece of paper, write what you admire about him and for the other column, write everything you don't like about him. See if his pros outweigh the cons. "

    So I am not against this and loved what I read years ago in a wedding column at a well known newspaper that had weekly featured wedding stories -that you can make that list but at the end of the day it's not going to carry the day as far as choosing to commit or not. I do think it can be helpful for someone who is reasonably sure and excited but has nuts and bolts type issues to navigate - frustrating or annoying stuff that causes the bickering Cherlyn mentioned (my marriage is a lot like Cheryln's -not totally but I so get her and her relationship and am so jealous that she is crafty. I am not. At all. But my husband is handy/has his own tool box,etc. Sigh). I think doing a pros/cons list in the OP's situation is going to give her further excuses to prolong this mismatched/not quite right relationship rather than getting to the root of things.
    Some cons are worse than others. Everyone has cons. We don't like everything about a person which is universal. People really need to pick their battles. If a certain person has habits which will not change, the real question here is are you willing to just live with him, grin and bear it or is he out because it's impossible to live with a guy like this?

    Keep in mind, even if a person is basically very good, commitment is difficult because life will give a relationship a storm before there is calm. Granted, not all relationships are this way, however, usually there are life's challenges, relationship challenges, tragedies at some point, financial hardship, health issues and it runs the gamut. It's not just about a person's foibles or incurable defects. It's everything.

    It's nice to know that Batya33 and I have similar marriages and thank you for the kind words about my crafts. I love to make things with my hands however, I'm all thumbs when it comes to anything mechanical such as nuts 'n bolts type repairs! I defer to my husband!

    Since the OP feels that she is mismatched, then she should follow her own instincts and seriously reconsider marrying him IMHO.

  8. #57
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    Originally Posted by Cherylyn
    Some cons are worse than others. Everyone has cons. We don't like everything about a person which is universal. People really need to pick their battles. If a certain person has habits which will not change, the real question here is are you willing to just live with him, grin and bear it or is he out because it's impossible to live with a guy like this?

    Keep in mind, even if a person is basically very good, commitment is difficult because life will give a relationship a storm before there is calm. Granted, not all relationships are this way, however, usually there are life's challenges, relationship challenges, tragedies at some point, financial hardship, health issues and it runs the gamut. It's not just about a person's foibles or incurable defects. It's everything.

    It's nice to know that Batya33 and I have similar marriages and thank you for the kind words about my crafts. I love to make things with my hands however, I'm all thumbs when it comes to anything mechanical such as nuts 'n bolts type repairs! I defer to my husband!

    Since the OP feels that she is mismatched, then she should follow her own instincts and seriously reconsider marrying him IMHO.
    Cons are important to be aware of. I don't think in her situation making a list of pros and cons as a tool to help her decide is a good idea for the reasons I wrote.

  9. #58
    Bronze Member LootieTootie's Avatar
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    Well to answer you thread question, I think you are the problem.

    You are all over the place with emotions about this guy and you may very well have some mental issues we are not aware of, but let me simplify this. If you question so much about a relationship you're in, then your gut is telling you this isn't the guy for you.

    The more you keep going back and forth with your emotions and second-guessing yourself, you are wasting your time and energy pondering....when you can be out there already with the guy you don't have any second thoughts about marrying and your bf can actually be with someone who loves him for him.

  10. #59
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    Do you feel like you need to "try" to love him? Like, you "should" love him but you just aren't sure?

    Look, I married the guy I "should" have married. On paper he was great. College educated, treated me very well, steady, secure, reliable, liked sex, didn't drink or use drugs or cheat. Never stepped foot in a strip club. Didn't hang out with the boys until all hours. Always worked and brought home his entire paycheck. He's even nice looking.

    But he didn't set me on fire. The sex was fine, I enjoyed it, but I didn't have a strong attraction toward him. I knew he was a great guy and would be a great husband but I just didn't feel THAT way about him.

    But, I married him anyway.

    We ended up divorced.

    All of that not feeling the way I thought a wife should feel toward a husband? That was me realizing our incompatibilities but not being mature enough to recognize them for what they were (in my defense, I was a teenager when I met him). We felt SO differently about so many core beliefs, but we ignored all of that because for him, he wanted to be married and for me, I thought I'd be stupid to let this guy go on by. But we just didn't belong together.

    So, do you feel like you SHOULD be in love with him?

  11. #60
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    I'm reading all your responses, thank you so much for all for your detailed input. I just haven't had time to respond. But I'm really starting to take this hard, I almost don't want to keep talking about it because everything you guys are saying is so accurate and makes me so nauseous :( I've never thought this seriously about leaving, and now it's starting to seem way too real. I mean, Ryan thinks we're completely happy still. We had the most amazing night the other day, fun and romantic, and I honestly considered just forgetting any of this online stuff happened.

    But then yesterday we went to a theme park. Which I feel like should be really exciting, especially being a free trip. The whole time, I was all excited and trying to be romantic and fun - hold hands, kiss here and there, or at least just talk in line. But almost the whole day was spent with him waiting in line ahead of me staring at the wall like he just wanted to get to the rides. Not in an unhappy way, it's just how he is. He never even seemed that excited to be there, even though I got to the point of almost begging him to act the slightest bit like he was having fun. A huge part of our relationship is me constantly, annoyingly having to remind him to have fun and not focus on unimportant details, like someone smoking near us. He never takes a step back and realizes how fun life can be. It's always gotta do this gotta do that.

    I HATE that this is such a big deal to me. I feel like he doesn't deserve this at all, he's such a good person and I'm berating him online while acting like we're perfectly in love when I'm with him. So much of our relationship is amazing, and he loves me so much, I can't do this. How could I ever leave, or even tell him anything is wrong. I can't tell my parents their daughter is emotionally greedy, so she's going to ruin a perfect relationship with their perfect future son in law so she can be with a dumber, less responsible guy who is just a bit more fun. I can't leave Ryan, the person I've loved more than basically anyone. I can't leave our amazing pets, who I love like my life depends on it. That's such a huge deal, that alone makes this impossible. There's so much I JUST. CANNOT. DO. For Christ's sake, I just told him he had my blessing to propose soon!! When I was feeling really confident about us the other day, like an idiot! There is so much more pressure on me now and I'm just trying to stop crying before he's done walking our neighbor's dog, I can't deal with any of this. I want to force myself to be happy all the time, this can't really be bad enough to go down this road. It's just inconceivable. I went on this site for some casual input, I wasn't ready for all this :(( I just wish what you guys were saying didn't sound like you were exactly diagnosing my situation. A good amount of the time I just don't feel what I'm supposed to feel with him, I didn't know it was so normal to be THAT happy with someone. I just feel like I wanna die, our relationship can't end, he means the world to me :(

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