Which one of us is the problem?

[Kira L]

Man Batya33 haha, you always gotta hit where it hurts the most with the truest of truths. I was coming around to the optimistic side of things, then you said every thought I've ever had/do have about Ryan in exactly the way I think them. Haha I don't even have anything to say to that, you just hit the nail on the head. And I know now that's exactly what I didn't want to and needed to hear. Hmm... do you think it's possible to find that stability this late in the game, if I could change myself for the better and grow a new foundation with him? Or is it a general rule to you that not feeling the magic for this long is only bad?

 

To reinventmyself - I was just having a crappy day because of my own stuff, and he was too, there was way more negativity yesterday than usual, and it was only for like 5 hours before it all went back to normal.

[reinventmyself]

 

 

To reinventmyself - I was just having a crappy day because of my own stuff, and he was too, there was way more negativity yesterday than usual, and it was only for like 5 hours before it all went back to normal.

That back and forth. Would you sign up for a life time of that? Because honestly, what you have is standing right in front of you. It's a fools errand waiting around for someone to be someone they are not.

 

Look, we're being pretty hard on you. It could very well just be jitters and though he's not perfect, you two could live happily ever after.

All I can say at this point is put some of these questions to rest before you ever decide to marry the guy and have kids with him.

You only get on life. Live it well and don't did it in fear.

[Batya33]

Man Batya33 haha, you always gotta hit where it hurts the most with the truest of truths. I was coming around to the optimistic side of things, then you said every thought I've ever had/do have about Ryan in exactly the way I think them. Haha I don't even have anything to say to that, you just hit the nail on the head. And I know now that's exactly what I didn't want to and needed to hear. Hmm... do you think it's possible to find that stability this late in the game, if I could change myself for the better and grow a new foundation with him? Or is it a general rule to you that not feeling the magic for this long is only bad?

 

To reinventmyself - I was just having a crappy day because of my own stuff, and he was too, there was way more negativity yesterday than usual, and it was only for like 5 hours before it all went back to normal.

 

No I'm not "hitting" or intending to "hurt". Same thing was written to me way back when when I was agonizing over whether to marry my then boyfriend. Wow if I could do it all over again we'd have dated less than a year, not seven on and off. And the only reason I don't beat myself up over that is that about 2 years after we broke up, finally, he met his future wife. I am not in touch with him for many years now (she contacted me after the wedding -we'd never met but she wanted to meet me) - but I assume he is happily married and thank goodness despite my making him crazy with my back and forth (although it takes two) he found his forever person and family. I wasn't quite ready to hear it - I preferred to twist myself in a pretzel and try to convince myself that we were right together (did the same thing with other good guys too, I was the quintessential runaway bride).

 

I think the only way to know in your situation is to take a three month break where you don't date anyone else or try to. And absolutely no contact other than life/death emergencies with your partner - no social meda either. In that time just live your life. In that time see whether you miss him, and him not just the idea of him or his good parts or his financial stabiliy, and whether you realize that you want to live your life with him (as opposed to the dramatic but short lived "ohhhhh I cannot live without him!!!"). If he is not willing then he's entitled - he may choose just to move on. I do not think you can know or learn this while still being with him. Because for one thing you'll be biased in favor of trying to force yourself to feel a spark because you'll crave the comfort of playing house, playing at being a couple.

 

My general sense is that if you don't feel a spark now you are unlikely to. I did feel a spark 8 years later but we'd both changed so much and experienced so much both personally and professionally that it was easy to see why we now sparked.

[Cherylyn]

Both of you are mismatched.

 

If you're not sure if he's "thee one," cancel wedding plans and perhaps he's not for you.

 

Make a list of pros and cons. Take a piece of paper, write what you admire about him and for the other column, write everything you don't like about him. See if his pros outweigh the cons.

 

Some couples are lucky and completely 100% compatible in all areas, however, this is rare because everyone has their foibles. Characteristic traits could stem from how they were raised, their family background, religion, childhood, teen or adulthood trauma, peers or simply due to their personality from birth.

 

Most of the time, there is no such thing as a "perfect" person. It really depends upon what you're willing to tolerate or not tolerate. If you truly feel that you cannot and will not endure and tolerate how your boyfriend is and you foresee a miserable future with him, then either remain as his girlfriend or break up since you don't see a legal commitment and serious future with him. Those are your two choices.

 

I've been happily married for a long time with 2 great sons. In the very beginning during dating and engagement, I loved everything about my husband. He hails from an amazing family, they're nurturing, loving, stable, normal, very "mom 'n pop 'n apple pie" types, empathetic and incredible. I struck gold with him. My husband is very helpful, kind, considerate, engineer type, fixes everything such as cars and the home, does yard work, helps pick up the slack with all errands, chores, housecleaning, laundry, child rearing, you name it, he does it. He's a clean guy, not a slob. If anything breaks, he can fix it. He saves us a ton of money. He uses coupons and discount perks. He always makes sure cars are maintained, washed and filled up with gas. I don't even remember the last time I was at the gas pump! He's a jack-of-all trades and extremely handy. I love that in a man.

 

When I was a new mother, he got up in the middle of the night to change diapers, handed the baby to me so I could nurse, did all this for both sons and had to report to work that morning! He grocery shopped, cooked, did laundry, cleaned the house, did everything. I never had to ask either. He just did it.

 

I can lean on him. He's very reliable and dependable. He's a gentleman and treats people with respect, dignity and integrity. He never embarrasses nor humiliates me.

 

He's extremely loyal and devoted because he observed his father treat his mother with love and respect all his life. I'm very fortunate.

 

However, he's human, too with faults just like I have my faults. Sometimes he loses his patience and we bicker. He's not into sappy greeting cards, flowers, chocolate, Valentine's Day, surprise parties for me, breakfast in bed and quite clueless as to what to buy for me and what to do. He doesn't compliment habitually. There are times when silence is the sincerest form of flattery. The time to worry is when a person complains if something is wrong with you! I'm fine with how he is and I don't whine.

 

I see men in public who are touchy-feely with their wives or girlfriends and it's fine for them whereas we don't partake in gushy public displays of affection. I don't go ga-ga over him nor gaze in his eyes as if I belong in a mental institution! To him anyway! It's just not our way. It's fine for other couples, however, we are who we are.

 

I have a long list of what I would like for my husband to do such as become more sentimental, for example but it's simply not part of his DNA nor will I implore him to change to the point of unnatural. I'm fine with how he is. I don't demand, command nor have unrealistic expectations because what he does for me everyday, 365 days a year far outweighs his shortcomings. I pick my battles.

 

He out earns me and I supplement his income. It works. We're not wealthy by any means, however, we're financially settled, pay our bills on time, enjoy a very comfortable middle class lifestyle and reside in the suburbs.

 

He's more adventuresome, enjoys long road trips, local and faraway vacations, doesn't mind flying for vacation destinations, enjoys tours, camping, backpacking, hiking, a lot of socializing with friends and family. However, I'm the complete opposite of him! I'm a homebody at heart and perfectly content cooking dinner and enjoying delicious home cooked meals at home. He and his family are restaurant people. I'm a potluck person. My husband isn't a good cook. I enjoy cooking. We balance each other out because he's my sous chef, washes dirty pots 'n pans, helps with post-meals kitchen clean up and we compromise. It works. For everything negative, there's a positive.

 

My husband is more mechanically inclined whereas I'm more creative. I sew quilts, embroider, crochet, do calligraphy, embossing, stamping, painting, cake decorating, make greeting cards, sew, make wax seals for envelopes, love to gift wrap fancily, scrapbook, cook, bake and make jewelry. My husband is all thumbs when it comes to anything artistic. I love to read books and him? Not so much. I love movies whereas he'd rather sleep. He's particular about his music genre. I don't always like what he likes and vice versa. We have different interests, tastes and hobbies.

 

In the past, before my dog passed away 6 months ago, I enjoyed taking walks with my husband and dog in the neighborhood. Now, my husband and I take walks.

 

I always encourage my husband to do his outdoorsy activities with his friends yet he doesn't want to. He speaks superficially with his male friends. I on the other hand, have a BFF whom I've known since childhood and we catch up on family gossip, human psychology, get together several times a month and we're each others outlet. Sometimes we'll go out as couples and he likes my BFF's husband. My husband enjoys frequenting car shows on weekend mornings which I hate! I let him do his thing whereas he lets me do my own thing whether it's with friends, hobbies, exercise, outings, etc. We balance each other out and we don't have to do everything together. Space is healthy.

 

I can't speak for you, however, I find that core values are what is most important in a long term relationship or marriage.

 

I know other men among my friends and family who are super affectionate, their hands are all over the place with their wives or girlfriends yet they're real jerks. They're exciting, smooth talkers, impulsive, etc. They're extremely selfish, self-centered, never help their wives or girlfriends, rude, boorish, disrespectful, sometimes unfaithful, have a roving eye, flirtatious, act dishonorably when their significant others are not looking, narcissistic, experts at gaslighting, some are sociopaths, miserly, penny-pinching, cheap, embarrassing, demanding, commanding, unkind, in debt, violent, drink, do drugs, use foul language, immoral, very worldly and the list is very long.

 

You have to weigh what's important to you, what you want long term, if you can visualize a long term commitment and marriage to your boyfriend and determine if he's for you or not. If you're not completely satisfied with accepting him warts and all, then there's no future with him unless you prefer to remain status quo.

 

I don't like everything about my husband. I don't know of anyone who likes everything about anybody. There is always something. For me, the good outweighs the bad.

 

My husband and I don't have that 'spark' nor are we smitten to each other 24 / 7. Our love is consistent, we show our love in other ways without fanfare, we are content and comfortable with this harmonious life. At the end of the day, he knows he can count on me and I know I can count on him if my very life depended on it. For us, it's something to be very grateful for. We aren't "perfect," however we feel extremely blessed to have each other for life. Some couples can be different yet very happily married for a long time. For other couples, it's not enough if their differences are something they refuse to accept and tolerate. You decide what is right for you.

 

Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side and there are times when the grass isn't greener on the other side.

[Batya33]

"Make a list of pros and cons. Take a piece of paper, write what you admire about him and for the other column, write everything you don't like about him. See if his pros outweigh the cons. "

 

So I am not against this and loved what I read years ago in a wedding column at a well known newspaper that had weekly featured wedding stories -that you can make that list but at the end of the day it's not going to carry the day as far as choosing to commit or not. I do think it can be helpful for someone who is reasonably sure and excited but has nuts and bolts type issues to navigate - frustrating or annoying stuff that causes the bickering Cherlyn mentioned (my marriage is a lot like Cheryln's -not totally but I so get her and her relationship and am so jealous that she is crafty. I am not. At all. But my husband is handy/has his own tool box,etc. Sigh). I think doing a pros/cons list in the OP's situation is going to give her further excuses to prolong this mismatched/not quite right relationship rather than getting to the root of things.

[Cherylyn]

"Make a list of pros and cons. Take a piece of paper, write what you admire about him and for the other column, write everything you don't like about him. See if his pros outweigh the cons. "

 

So I am not against this and loved what I read years ago in a wedding column at a well known newspaper that had weekly featured wedding stories -that you can make that list but at the end of the day it's not going to carry the day as far as choosing to commit or not. I do think it can be helpful for someone who is reasonably sure and excited but has nuts and bolts type issues to navigate - frustrating or annoying stuff that causes the bickering Cherlyn mentioned (my marriage is a lot like Cheryln's -not totally but I so get her and her relationship and am so jealous that she is crafty. I am not. At all. But my husband is handy/has his own tool box,etc. Sigh). I think doing a pros/cons list in the OP's situation is going to give her further excuses to prolong this mismatched/not quite right relationship rather than getting to the root of things.

 

Some cons are worse than others. Everyone has cons. We don't like everything about a person which is universal. People really need to pick their battles. If a certain person has habits which will not change, the real question here is are you willing to just live with him, grin and bear it or is he out because it's impossible to live with a guy like this?

 

Keep in mind, even if a person is basically very good, commitment is difficult because life will give a relationship a storm before there is calm. Granted, not all relationships are this way, however, usually there are life's challenges, relationship challenges, tragedies at some point, financial hardship, health issues and it runs the gamut. It's not just about a person's foibles or incurable defects. It's everything.

 

It's nice to know that Batya33 and I have similar marriages and thank you for the kind words about my crafts. I love to make things with my hands however, I'm all thumbs when it comes to anything mechanical such as nuts 'n bolts type repairs! I defer to my husband!

 

Since the OP feels that she is mismatched, then she should follow her own instincts and seriously reconsider marrying him IMHO.

[Batya33]

Some cons are worse than others. Everyone has cons. We don't like everything about a person which is universal. People really need to pick their battles. If a certain person has habits which will not change, the real question here is are you willing to just live with him, grin and bear it or is he out because it's impossible to live with a guy like this?

 

Keep in mind, even if a person is basically very good, commitment is difficult because life will give a relationship a storm before there is calm. Granted, not all relationships are this way, however, usually there are life's challenges, relationship challenges, tragedies at some point, financial hardship, health issues and it runs the gamut. It's not just about a person's foibles or incurable defects. It's everything.

 

It's nice to know that Batya33 and I have similar marriages and thank you for the kind words about my crafts. I love to make things with my hands however, I'm all thumbs when it comes to anything mechanical such as nuts 'n bolts type repairs! I defer to my husband!

 

Since the OP feels that she is mismatched, then she should follow her own instincts and seriously reconsider marrying him IMHO.

 

Cons are important to be aware of. I don't think in her situation making a list of pros and cons as a tool to help her decide is a good idea for the reasons I wrote.

[LootieTootie]

Well to answer you thread question, I think you are the problem.

 

You are all over the place with emotions about this guy and you may very well have some mental issues we are not aware of, but let me simplify this. If you question so much about a relationship you're in, then your gut is telling you this isn't the guy for you.

 

The more you keep going back and forth with your emotions and second-guessing yourself, you are wasting your time and energy pondering....when you can be out there already with the guy you don't have any second thoughts about marrying and your bf can actually be with someone who loves him for him.

[boltnrun]

Do you feel like you need to "try" to love him? Like, you "should" love him but you just aren't sure?

 

Look, I married the guy I "should" have married. On paper he was great. College educated, treated me very well, steady, secure, reliable, liked sex, didn't drink or use drugs or cheat. Never stepped foot in a strip club. Didn't hang out with the boys until all hours. Always worked and brought home his entire paycheck. He's even nice looking.

 

But he didn't set me on fire. The sex was fine, I enjoyed it, but I didn't have a strong attraction toward him. I knew he was a great guy and would be a great husband but I just didn't feel THAT way about him.

 

But, I married him anyway.

 

We ended up divorced.

 

All of that not feeling the way I thought a wife should feel toward a husband? That was me realizing our incompatibilities but not being mature enough to recognize them for what they were (in my defense, I was a teenager when I met him). We felt SO differently about so many core beliefs, but we ignored all of that because for him, he wanted to be married and for me, I thought I'd be stupid to let this guy go on by. But we just didn't belong together.

 

So, do you feel like you SHOULD be in love with him?

[Kira L]

I'm reading all your responses, thank you so much for all for your detailed input. I just haven't had time to respond. But I'm really starting to take this hard, I almost don't want to keep talking about it because everything you guys are saying is so accurate and makes me so nauseous :( I've never thought this seriously about leaving, and now it's starting to seem way too real. I mean, Ryan thinks we're completely happy still. We had the most amazing night the other day, fun and romantic, and I honestly considered just forgetting any of this online stuff happened.

 

But then yesterday we went to a theme park. Which I feel like should be really exciting, especially being a free trip. The whole time, I was all excited and trying to be romantic and fun - hold hands, kiss here and there, or at least just talk in line. But almost the whole day was spent with him waiting in line ahead of me staring at the wall like he just wanted to get to the rides. Not in an unhappy way, it's just how he is. He never even seemed that excited to be there, even though I got to the point of almost begging him to act the slightest bit like he was having fun. A huge part of our relationship is me constantly, annoyingly having to remind him to have fun and not focus on unimportant details, like someone smoking near us. He never takes a step back and realizes how fun life can be. It's always gotta do this gotta do that.

 

I HATE that this is such a big deal to me. I feel like he doesn't deserve this at all, he's such a good person and I'm berating him online while acting like we're perfectly in love when I'm with him. So much of our relationship is amazing, and he loves me so much, I can't do this. How could I ever leave, or even tell him anything is wrong. I can't tell my parents their daughter is emotionally greedy, so she's going to ruin a perfect relationship with their perfect future son in law so she can be with a dumber, less responsible guy who is just a bit more fun. I can't leave Ryan, the person I've loved more than basically anyone. I can't leave our amazing pets, who I love like my life depends on it. That's such a huge deal, that alone makes this impossible. There's so much I JUST. CANNOT. DO. For Christ's sake, I just told him he had my blessing to propose soon!! When I was feeling really confident about us the other day, like an idiot! There is so much more pressure on me now and I'm just trying to stop crying before he's done walking our neighbor's dog, I can't deal with any of this. I want to force myself to be happy all the time, this can't really be bad enough to go down this road. It's just inconceivable. I went on this site for some casual input, I wasn't ready for all this :(( I just wish what you guys were saying didn't sound like you were exactly diagnosing my situation. A good amount of the time I just don't feel what I'm supposed to feel with him, I didn't know it was so normal to be THAT happy with someone. I just feel like I wanna die, our relationship can't end, he means the world to me :(

[boltnrun]

Let me ask you this:

 

How does 50 years of marriage to Ryan, EXACTLY AS HE IS (not how you wish he'd be) sound to you?

 

Does it sound like the marriage you've always wanted? Or does it sound more like a life sentence?

 

Also think about this: What does Ryan deserve? A wife who loves and cherishes him EXACTLY AS HE IS, or a wife who thinks she should love him in a wifely way but has doubts?

[Batya33]

Your parents want you to be happy and please don't set up these ridiculous notions that any other guy you meet will have bad qualities. It's not about good qualities -that is part of it - of course -but it's about being a good match for you. Watch St. Elmo's Fire -that's one example of a woman having to tell her father why she is not going to marry the good guy -the perfect guy on paper. See how her parents react, especially her father. And in that same movie Ally Sheedy realizes she is not in love with her college sweetheart anymore. For example. For me feeling nauseous as you describe meant it wasn't right. We're not just online strangers -I mean, we are, but what it's triggering in you is real. And needs at least to be listened to. By you.

 

I personally take issue with you "reminding" Ryan how to have fun. Who are you to do that? Maybe those details are unimportant to you but not to him. Why do you get to pick what's important and how he should look at life? Is he asking you? My husband and I sometimes have different perspectives along those lines. And we learn from each other but for me the learning doesn't come from one of us dictating how the other should be. It comes from being with the person and seeing how the person reacts in certain situations and seeing that can trigger change - like "oh, so instead of letting the smoking ruin the moment he instead did ___" - but it has to come from the person -not from you lecturing or "suggesting" things like "lighten up" or along those lines. It's condescending and disrespectful. Someone else who is the right match for him might also think he shouldn't sweat the small stuff but she won't want to dictate to him how he should be or wish he would change in the dramatic way you do. I won't even treat my child that way or if I find myself doing that I stop myself. It's not a good way for him to learn and develop even though he's only 10.

 

Yes, breaking up is really inconvenient and upsetting. But it will only be worse if you marry him and especially if you own a home together, have a child with him. Can you imagine being at your wedding with all eyes on you and you're battling those inner demons about whether this is the right thing? Wondering if your nausea shows on your face? Smiling for photos but a forced smile? Noticing how Ryan notices all the negatives about the photographer being late or whatever?

 

Yes it's not black and white, yes you'll have those fun romantic times. And you know what - after a 7 year on and off relationship I finally ended in January 2005 it took until June 2005 for me to really really get once and for all why we were not a good match despite having a lot of love and care there. And it was all triggered by an offhand comment a mutual friend made about him. We were NOT gossiping about him at all -she'd stayed in touch with him and I was actually in touch with him too. She mentioned an aspect of his personality she'd noticed when out at lunch with him. Not even in a critical way. And that was my aha moment -and it was similar to Ryan's deal -similar to the way he reacted to me, his way of expressing emotion, his way of listening . I actually brought it up with my ex when we spoke - not in a confrontational way but you know what -he basically said it was so, that was him.

 

It took me all of those on and off times, and all that time after to really pinpoint why we were wrong. Sometimes people don't get that sense of closure -they just know it wasn't right, and that's ok too. I will tell you why I didn't have that aha moment while we were together. Because I was so caught up in trying to make it right with him, to believe that the fun and romantic and good times were "this is who we are/the doubts are ridiculous!" only to have that inevitable crash, whether days or weeks or hours later. I did not want to lose him, the life we could have together, his family who I loved. And thank goodness it finally came to a head and I finally walked away for good. Because 6 months later I had a catch up dinner with my long ago ex who I'd been engaged to -and the rest is history as I mentioned above. Had I still been torturing myself with the other guy I am sure it would have gone nowhere fast.

 

It's not about being "that happy" - for some it is for sure -some couples are in a constant state of ultra happiness and bliss and passion and chemistry (or so they say on Facebook lol). Do I envy them -sure, sometimes I do - I don't have that and I'm good -more than good -you know why? Because I feel at home with him (like the Billy Joel song - she's my house, she's my home), because even if I don't for whatever reason I know for sure I will, again, very soon. Because I love him and I know we are meant to be together, he is my one, I'm not thinking grass is greener anywhere, I'm not checking out other guys with any kind of "what if" (ok so I have a mild crush on a local radio personality who I've never met, I'm sure my husband has experienced that too at some point). We are together, we are together for better or for worse and I feel that sense of security without going ga ga over him every time I see him. And I know he isn't ga ga over me every second nor would I want him to be. I don't feel nauseous even when we argue, even when I worry about us not spending enough time together given our parenting and job responsibilities. But it doesn't shake me to the core, which is a mighty strong core.

 

Please don't tell yourself you're expecting an unrealistic level of bliss with your long time partner (again of course certain couples have that -it can happen!- but I don't sense this is your standard) - tell yourself you want a situation where you feel solid about your feelings for your partner, that you're not anxious that you're going to randomly wake up tomorrow or the next day or the day after the wedding and have serious, core-shaking doubts. That level of anxiety, worry, insecurity "what if he's not right/what if it's romantic today but tomorrow I find him like I did at the amusement park" - that level is not normal. Again it's not set in stone -that's why you have to make the horribly hard choices - some have it easier because their partners act like jerks, or have qualities that are dealbreakers etc or wake up and say "you know, I don't want children, sorry" or "sorry I had sex with my coworker last night". That's an "easier" decision. I made the tough ones you are facing now -letting "good guys" go (ok, so one married a man 15 years later, so I guess that was a good call on my part, despite not thinking at all that he was gay) - having to tell friends and family I did so with the inevitable "but you are ___ years old - you'll see what's out there and you will regret it!!!"

 

My male friend from grad school was engaged many years ago to a lovely woman. Late 20s. She was always so smiley around him, but kind of fake smiley. He was head over heels. Crazy about her. They got engaged, planned a big wedding. A few months before the wedding she told him she was having doubts. Could she have 6 months to decide and postpone the wedding. He said no. He just was not up for that and didn't buy that she'd know in 6 months or ever. So we all got Amex gift cards, those of us who bought engagement gifts. About a year later he met his future wife through a dating site. Honestly, I always have wondered whether he had as good chemistry with her. But he says he is happy, he seems happy, they've been married almost 20 years now. She's lovely and lovely to him. They're well matched. Oh and his ex with the doubts also married a few years later -I ran into her. So it all worked out. It really can work out for the best. The nausea isn't worth it, I promise.

[katrina1980]

OP, I don't mean to pile it on, but I agree with Batya that it's not your place to remind Ryan how he should have fun or how he should spend his time or anything else re his life.

 

You're you, and he's him = not compatible.

 

Another poster (sorry can't remember who) mentioned the five love languages, are you familiar?

 

Receiving gifts

Quality time

Words of affirmation

Acts of service

Physical touch

 

Reading your posts, it's clear to me that his main LL is "acts of service" and yours is "physical touch."

 

You suggested in your initial post that there may be something "wrong" with him - no there is nothing wrong with him other than him having a different main LL from you and that is not "wrong."

 

Personally speaking, while I am a very sexual/sensual girl, I cannot stand being constantly touched and groped the way you need, physical touch is actually no. 4 on the list of importance to me..

 

Receiving gifts is no. 5, the last.

 

"Quality time" is no. 1 and "acts of service" is no. 2 so Ryan and I would most likely get on quite well if we were together.

 

Anyway, if you really want to save this, why not buy the LL book and read together?

 

My last bf and I did and it very much helped us to understand each other better, our respective needs.

 

Like have you ever asked him to give you a tickle bath or a massage? Which I love too btw even though physical touch is not my main love language.

 

A man "doing" through action (the way Ryan does for you) speaks more to me than a man constantly touching me or PDA.

 

Anyway, re erotic massages and baths, he may realize he enjoys giving as much as getting, just from how you respond to it and him giving.

 

I dunno, just a thought, you seem very dissatisfied in this relationship.

[Kira L]

I have asked him multiple times for all of it, it's just not that natural for him. I'll save those languages, I'll probably tell him about those when I talk to him. Thank you guys sincerely for all of your help. I'm not going to come on here for a while because it's making me so stressed I feel like I'm really on the constant verge of throwing up or having a panic attack. I'm going to call and get a therapist today, and I'll talk to Ryan either tonight, tomorrow, or possibly after I've spoken to a therapist. I just don't know if I can wait that long, trying to fake not being stressed out of my mind is too much. I can't believe I have to tell a guy who loves me as much as he possibly could and wants to get married that he shouldn't propose and there's a serious chance we could break up. I know it's worse not to tell him, but I'm going to break his heart in a million pieces :'''(

[Batya33]

I'm sorry it's stressing you. It's stressing you because part of it rings true for you, at least part. Yes, he will be heartbroken for awhile. Yes, if you two aren't together in the future then you both will find better matches and you both will feel thankful that you walked away to find your forever people (even if the forever person is being with yourself in an honest and true way).

[MissCanuck]

Breaking up with someone who loves you is hard, no doubt about it.

 

I felt terribly guilty when I broke up with one specific ex, almost named Ryan, oddly enough. On paper, he was a good guy. We'd been together five years and everyone thought we would get married. I knew he wasn't right for me, though. I didn't yet have that much dating experience to compare it to, but I knew something was missing for me. We met at age 18 and broke up at 23.

 

Yes, I felt awful for hurting him. It was very hard to watch him break down when I finally mustered up the courage to tell him it was over. However, I also did feel a weight lifting off of me, knowing I had done the right thing. It's been many years since then and I never regretted ending it. We both moved on. I believe he is now married with kids. Your boyfriend will someday heal, too, and you will likely both be happier with others who are better matches in the long run.

[reinventmyself]

I referred to my last relationship and though it broke up for a variety of reasons, I am thankful we are no longer together.

 

Reading Kira's experiences, with someone who seems to be just going through the motions and not engaging her emotionally or not feeling present in the moment, especially when doing something that could be perceived as enjoyable. It's really uncomfortable.

 

Our partner or parents mirror our experiences for us to some degree. It's doesn't feel good to feel and it's as if you are doing something alone, when your partner is right there with you.

 

I remember one of our last days together, I suggested a hike. The day was picture perfect, with running streams and sunny breezy morning. He plodded along behind me and even though I really tried to block it out and enjoy it, his lack of any emotion or interest, (which was just him, mind you) pretty much took away from the experience.

 

Had we brought out the best in each other in other ways, I would have overlooked this. I found myself often telling myself that it wasn't wrong, it was just a difference. But a lifetime of that? I dunno. It would be hard.

 

I honestly couldn't tell if he was enjoying anything we did. Though he said he was. If I could have filled in the blank with what I thought was going on, I could just as easily assumed he hated the things we did.

 

But it's just the way he was. That was never going to change.

[rchubn]

It seems like on a subconscious level you're both settling but there's been so much time invested that no one wants to "pull the trigger" and officially end it.

 

Leaving a routine can be hard but you owe it to yourselves to explore and see if you can find something that feels right.

 

Has the relationship always been like this? If not, maybe some couples therapy or some relationship help books might give you ideas on how to being back the spark.

 

You need to act fast.

 

It sounds like you're family have been lead on in a way. They think this relationship is one way when you two clearly see it a different way.

 

You're family isnt going to understand delaying your engagement and if you're not straight forward with yourselves OR you're family, you might slowly get pressured into walking down the aisle; you guys might end up in so much denial that you sort of "go with the flow" and do what everyone else wants you to do because you've been waiting so long.

 

Not sure how engagement popped into the picture but it sounds like this was done because someone felt that this was the next step and they felt obligated to play the role.

 

Trust me. Engagement should IMPROVE the relationship, it should be a positive step up from an already positive situation. You guys should be all over each other and you should be in a perfect little bliss until the months after the wedding when you're no longer considered newly weds. Even now, you guys should be in bliss because you have a fiance and you're making a huge decision to spend you're lives together, you're finger should be aching for that ring and husband and wife life.

[rchubn]

It seems like on a subconscious level you're both settling but there's been so much time invested that no one wants to "pull the trigger" and officially end it.

 

Leaving a routine can be hard but you owe it to yourselves to explore and see if you can find something that feels right.

 

Has the relationship always been like this? If not, maybe some couples therapy or some relationship help books might give you ideas on how to being back the spark.

 

You need to act fast.

 

It sounds like you're family have been lead on in a way. They think this relationship is one way when you two clearly see it a different way.

 

You're family isnt going to understand delaying your engagement and if you're not straight forward with yourselves OR you're family, you might slowly get pressured into walking down the aisle; you guys might end up in so much denial that you sort of "go with the flow" and do what everyone else wants you to do because you've been waiting so long.

 

Not sure how engagement popped into the picture but it sounds like this was done because someone felt that this was the next step and they felt obligated to play the role.

 

Trust me. Engagement should IMPROVE the relationship, it should be a positive step up from an already positive situation. You guys should be all over each other and you should be in a perfect little bliss until the months after the wedding when you're no longer considered newly weds. Even now, you guys should be in bliss because you have a fiance and you're making a huge decision to spend you're lives together, you're finger should be aching for that ring and husband and wife life.

To answer the question I think you're the one with the problem. No offense. We can't assume his emotions but you basically just verbalized you're having doubts about this guy but you're still in a relationship

[Sportster2005]

Basically, it's clear that he's a certain way and I'm a certain way, and that won't change.

 

Nailed it. Neither of you are the problem. The problem is you're just not a good match.

[Kira L]

Hey everybody, just letting you know, I broke up with him a few days ago. I know it was the right decision. But it feels like I'm constantly going to die, I've had 3 panic attacks in the past week. Obviously I won't come on here to talk about it, but I thought if any of you see this it'd be nice to know.

[Batya33]

Hey everybody, just letting you know, I broke up with him a few days ago. I know it was the right decision. But it feels like I'm constantly going to die, I've had 3 panic attacks in the past week. Obviously I won't come on here to talk about it, but I thought if any of you see this it'd be nice to know.

 

Why won't you come on here to talk about it? Confused. It's fine of course if you don't think that will be helpful. I think you made the right decision, too.

[reinventmyself]

Expect it to be uncomfortable for a while. Not to be confused with not making the right decision. Doing the right thing doesn't necessarily always feel good.

 

As I glance through your post to refresh myself, a saying I read sometime ago comes to mind:

 

`It's not always just about finding the right person, it's about BEING the right person.

 

It sounds like you have some much needed personal work ahead of you. Work that you might otherwise not have done while in this relationship. When all is said and done I suspect you will see you did the right thing.

[boltnrun]

Did you end up seeing the therapist? If so, let your therapist know you are having panic attacks. She or he can help.

 

If no therapist, see a doctor asap. No need to continue experiencing panic attacks, they can be treated.