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Thread: Is it wrong to break up with your partner after they became paralysed?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member LC8328's Avatar
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    Plus, what if he had said "don't worry babe, of course I would stick by your side", but then you do get into an accident and he doesn't stay? There are a million variables here.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    You're not married, why bother with theoretical debates? What if this! what if that! what if if if! what would happen when!.. etc. Therapy could help you understand that all of life has risks. Including a spouse/partner leaving for any reason. Make an appt with a therapist to get a handle on this anxiety.
    Originally Posted by amytpham
    what if I came out of the hospital having to adjust to the new life of not being able to control my body from waist down?

    I asked him "what if I got into a freak accident and lost my legs or became paralysed babe, what would you do?" after not much thought, he answered "I don't think you can expect me to stay in a relationship with you. I would be there for you and wouldn't just leave you, but I can't commit to stay in a relationship with you. I have my happiness to think about and the same would apply to you if the situation was the other way around.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    I'm with Billie here.

    What a loaded—and kind of pointless—question to ask someone following a minor procedure!

    Reminds me of how when I was a little boy—a sensitive, super-imaginative boy whose father had walked out on him—and I'd kill time on road trips by asking my mom ridiculous questions: "Would you still love me if I had no arms?" "Would you still love me if all I could say was 'I hate you'?" "Would you still love me if I threw up everything you cooked for me?"

    I was like seven years old. As a grown up, though, I don't ask my girlfriends these sorts of questions to make sure they love me.

    Are you in the habit of testing your boyfriend's devotion to you like this? Do you not fully trust his level of commitment? As a young, healthy human dating a fellow young, healthy human is this the kind of promise you need to feel secure?

    Or are you generally prone to catastrophic thinking?

    I so can't even imagine the headspace that leads to this question, or that leads to your current concerns based on his answer. I went down on my motorcycle a few months ago—skid across the pavement at 60 mph. Guess I could have emerged a paraplegic. Except I was fine. It was a "minor" crash. Yay. As for the other ways it could have gone, and how those who love me would have responded—well, who knows? Who cares? I hope to never learn, but if I have to learn I'll learn it, in reality.

    Nobody—nobody—knows the answer to a question like this until presented with the situation. Nobody, in fact, really knows anything about what they can or can't handle inside a relationship or even a marriage. "Til death do us part, in sickness and in health"—millions of people make these vows, and then break them for a million reasons. Millions of others stick to them. Millions of others, meanwhile, find themselves forgiving and working through situations they thought they'd never forgive or work through.

    That's just how it goes. That's the beauty of it.

    He gave you the most honest answer he could give, right now, at 20whatever he is. Wasn't the most sensitive of answers, sure. But he's young, healthy, probably pretty inexperienced with the variety of hardship and insanity that life can deliver. He probably can't see to 30, let alone to an apocalyptic future where you've suffered the unthinkable. What he heard was: Would you be okay never having sex again, from today until you die, and as someone who probably hasn't been having sex very long, and very much likes having sex with you, his brain kind of hiccuped.

    As he grows and matures he'll probably answer it differently. I'd certainly answer it differently today, at 39, then I would have at 22, because I'm a pretty "woke" dude. Doesn't mean I really know what would be what in reality.

    I get that your thrown, and I'm sorry about that, but there's really no point of making this the rabbit hole you go down.

  4. #24
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    Ok, just my opinion but it's all about love, loyalty and commitment, and how committed you are.

    For anyone to suggest that "no one knows how they would react, if they would leave or not" does not understand commitment or take it seriously.

    Which is a big problem in relationships today, imo.

    It's also an insult to those of us who do understand commitment and who do know they would stay.

    Again, that's not to say things couldn't change down the road.

    But initially, if committed, I would stay and we would embrace the challenge together.
    Last edited by katrina1980; 04-17-2019 at 01:50 PM.

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  6. #25
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    I agree with the pointlessness of the loaded question. I have five real life examples.

    One: man and woman meet at July 4 party. They get engaged 3 months later. Three days later she is run over by a bus. Not totally paralyzed but surgeries procedures, uses a wheelchair/scooter, constant pain (it's been 14 years now). He married her the following summer, they had a child and from all accounts are very happy together. He is fit and attractive, she is very overweight and not that attractive and also won't fly (fear from before the accident) so they are limited in their travels, etc. If that matters.

    Two: man and woman meet online first. They get engaged about a year later. While engaged she is diagnosed with late stage cancer (when she is in her early 30s, so is he). He marries her and stays by her side in every way imaginable until she passes away about two years later.

    Three: while married, woman gets Lou Gehrig's disease. They stay married but he finds a long term girlfriend for many years. He still provides for her financially (he is very very wealthy).

    Four - I answered an online ad many years ago. He misled me with his photo and we had a number of phone calls before meeting. He didn't tell me that half his face was paralyzed and deeply scarred from an accident when he was a child. His face was scary to look at and even scarier to meet him and first see his face like that (I understand why he didn't tell me/posted a partially obscured photo -this was pre-digital photos) - and I knew it was something, a situation I could not handle. I thought he was a lovely person and opted not to see him again, telling him a white lie. Years later I saw that he married and had additional surgeries (he'd had many when we met) so that the scarring/paralysis seems a lot less. I am so glad he found someone. Shallow of me? I don't think so - I think part of dating is attraction and I did not want to lead him on once I knew I probably couldn't deal with it.

    If it were me and heaven forbid something happened to my husband I believe from the bottom of my heart I would stay and do all I could to care for him. No question. I wholeheartedly believe he would do the same for me. My mother certainly did that for my father through his severe and serious illnesses. Took its toll over a 62 year marriage but she was unwavering (he passed away).

  7. #26
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    You asked a stupid question and got a stupid answer. I wouldn't expect anyone to stick with me through sickness and through health unless we'd exchanged vows or promised to exchange vows which relayed just that. That's kind of the whole point.

  8. #27
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    Sorry, its "in sickness and in health". I know someone who is paralyzed from the mid section down - they are still the same person, but simply use a wheelchair and need assistance at times. If you married someone and they became sick and you leave because of it, then you should not have married in the first place. This person has a wife and they have a happy marriage.

    If this person is 20, i think the answer is do to a lack of maturity. But if he is older, this is his sincere belief. Becoming paralyzed is a rare thing. Its likely not going to happen, but other illness might. I this is really bothering you then maybe you should talk about what marriage means -- if you were to get married and one of you got cancer or something....what vows actually mean.... He may or may not be the right person -- or mortality or commitment is not on his radar.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    Sorry, its "in sickness and in health". I know someone who is paralyzed from the mid section down - they are still the same person, but simply use a wheelchair and need assistance at times. If you married someone and they became sick and you leave because of it, then you should not have married in the first place. This person has a wife and they have a happy marriage.

    If this person is 20, i think the answer is do to a lack of maturity. But if he is older, this is his sincere belief. Becoming paralyzed is a rare thing. Its likely not going to happen, but other illness might. I this is really bothering you then maybe you should talk about what marriage means -- if you were to get married and one of you got cancer or something....what vows actually mean.... He may or may not be the right person -- or mortality or commitment is not on his radar.
    Agree with abitbroken, but adding a couple need not be legally married to be fully committed to each other.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    Agree with abitbroken, but adding a couple need not be legally married to be fully committed to each other.
    True and in this scenario my answer might change depending if it was a boyfriend as opposed to a spouse and if a boyfriend the general situation - did we live together, children involved, his financial situation, etc. Nothing do with "fully committed" and has to do with nature of commitment. A legal commitment involving marriage vows "till death do us part/sickness and health" is a different type of commitment from being boyfriend/girlfriend. In the latter situation it would depend on what that meant.

  11. #30
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I would totally expect for better or worse from a spouse.

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