Is it wrong to break up with your partner after they became paralysed?

[katrina1980]

As for your question, I think any reasonable person who was in love with their partner and was serious about them, would obviously stay with them no matter what happened.

 

Unless they're someone who has fake love or is a total jerk, in which case, they would have never been worthwhile for a relationship anyhow.

 

My sentiments too Sherry.

 

And well said, short and to the point. :)

[itsallgrand]

I liked Blue's story of him as a little boy asking his mom silly questions about how much she loved him.

Your question reminded me of that. You want to hear " To the moon, and back again!".

But he got sucked into the hypothetical question, that has no real answer.

So I'm guessing young, or at least

young inexperience.

 

At this age, 39, if my partner were to ask me that, I'd be looking at him a little bit funny. 1) You know if I love you or not, whether I am committed or not, so no silly games

2) It somewhat makes light of real events, and while that's cute from a little guy, not such a cute look from an adult.

 

I think you and your partner, together or apart, are a ways off from this kind of commitment to another person being real. That's ok - but don't mistake this for a test of his character, that's really silly.

[Rose Mosse]

Thing is I'm not so sure. As I mentioned, while I still would have cringed, had she asked, "Would you leave your wife?" or "If we ended up married, would you leave me?" rather than simply and pointedly "Would you leave me," she would have gotten an answer actually mildly worth getting. I think that would tell us much more about his condition rather than her preempting a whole slew of steps of progression to put him in a no-win hypothetical situation. Again, at least with the details provided with them simply being boyfriend-girlfriend, I don't think he's really in a position of assuring of a future while she can run a 5K, never mind should her legs go kaput. And that's probably the only semi "right" answer he could give, though I hardly expect pretty much anyone to come up with something savvy when put on the spot with such a question.

 

I think she shot herself in the foot (perhaps a self-fulfilling prophecy) and unfortunately got zilch for it when she could have gotten at least a little bit of workable knowledge framing the question to make it about him and his morals rather than for self gratification. There's no answer he could provide to make her happy which wouldn't essentially put him on the hook on a level of commitment which shouldn't preempt, at the very least, an engagement.

 

Yes, I agree with the above bold portion. However I don't think that she's as distanced from the issue as many of us are in our armchairs at a computer, debating the philosophical nature of the ideas here. She doesn't have that luxury and I also cannot help but think about the humbling nature of the situation. I'm not sure if you or anyone here has been in the position of being hospitalized or needing an operation before. It's destabilizing and humbling and I think that it also causes us to question a lot of things when we are at the mercy of others or a situation that is not in our control to change. Like I've said before, I am the last person to appear as a victim and the first person to fuel change and promote autonomy but it also does not make me heartless. (Not saying that you or anyone here commenting is. Just bringing some attention to the OP's personal situation.)

 

I do think it's interesting that your levels of emotional engagement change for you when you are engaged versus when you are dating. I'm just saying you because you've offered those clear thoughts and not everyone has such clear ideas on when levels of commitment or vested interest change. I can definitely respect that and see your pov. I had to stop and look back at whether there was a distinction for me when I was dating my husband versus after marriage and I couldn't find a distinction. The only thing I might not have been certain about was whether he would have done the same for me. I know what I would have done. I looked further back and found distinctions in the previous men I dated and did notice that there were certainly things that I would never do for them that I would voluntarily (without hesitation) do for my husband before he was my husband.

 

In that sense, I'd have to respectfully disagree with the distinctions between married and not married, engaged and not engaged, but I do understand I was once in the position where those distinctions might have mattered but only because those were relationships that were not right for me to begin with.

[IamPoetic]

So I recently came out of hospital from a minor operation, and it got me asking a big question; what if I came out of the hospital having to adjust to the new life of not being able to control my body from waist down?

 

I have been with my boyfriend since high school and we've grown up a lot together. We have become very serious and at times talked about marriage and kids and our future together wherever it may be. When I asked him "what if I got into a freak accident and lost my legs or became paralysed babe, what would you do?" after not much thought, he answered "I don't think you can expect me to stay in a relationship with you. I would be there for you and wouldn't just leave you, but I can't commit to stay in a relationship with you. I have my happiness to think about and the same would apply to you if the situation was the other way around. Though this would be different if we were married because of the "in sickness and in health" thing."

 

After hearing that my heart honestly dropped. I thought it was fair for him to say that because in that situation you really cannot blame someone for leaving you because the life of taking care of someone like that would be miserable; you cannot expect someone to care and love you in that situation and you have to put yourself in their shoe too. Their days would be so heavily focused on taking care of you in almost every way and it would be exhausting both mentally and physically. This would become a form of codependency and it could potentially drag the mental wellbeing of the carer down to a toxic level. If they decided to leave because of these reasons, I can't and wouldn't blame them at all.

 

While that is the case, at the same time, this really made me question my relationship and now I am faced with doubt and confusion. My heart dropped because it made our relationship seem superficial. I thought how can you tell me that you would be there for me but at the same time you could one day be with someone new and the only reason why and how you were able to do that was from me becoming paralysed from a freak accident? It fkn sucks and really hurts to hear that. Also, forget the "in sickness and in health" part of the marriage, how does marriage make the difference in this? If you only stay with me because of the stupid vows you made at the altar but not actually be emotionally involved with me, then what is the point? Should we even get married one day if that was the case? Should I even stay with him knowing his answer? I have always been that girl who believes if he doesn't want to be with me then I won't stop him from leaving; I would rather be alone than force a relationship no matter how serious it was.

 

Now talking about my side, how I would feel if this was reversed, I would not know what to do. I don't want to place a definite answer that "yes, I will stay no matter what" because its easier said than done to be with someone like that. Though when the moment the question was asked my way, I told him his answer was fair and I would probably be the same, but I had a warm feeling in my heart and it whispered "yes, I want to stay with you no matter what". I didn't end up telling him how I may have truly felt because I was taken back by his answer.

 

I'm now really torn between both sides and if anyone could give some advice that would be greatly appreciated. :smug:

 

My partner isn't paralyzed, but she suffered a severe injury that's left her disabled. Yes, it's difficult. Yes, at times I think of how different our lives would be if she was able to work and how we wouldn't struggle as badly. Yes, it's impacted "other" areas of our relationship. The injury occurred shortly after we became engaged and has been a part of our lives since then. It's affected us both physically, emotionally and financially -- this tragedy.

 

Still, I married her.

 

I was invested, and I made a commitment to her. I just couldn't be the guy that walked out on his fiancée while she lay asleep in the hospital, struggling to recover because I wanted an easier life. And then the misery of picturing her awakening, looking around for me only to learn that I went M.I.A. I just can't do that, and I doubt I could live with myself if I ever did such a thing.

 

That's me. I'll second the notion that not everyone can tolerate the same things. Sometimes, it's a matter of the circumstances surrounding the injury that can influence whether a person chooses to go or stay. I chose to stay because I made an investment, and everyday that I'm inundated with what ifs, I think about how gallantly she fought to return home and how hard she continues to fight...to be with me. Right away, I'm floored and in awe of our journey and it makes me realize that there isn't another woman in this world that I'd rather be with. Again, that's me. Don't use my blue skies to apply to someone else's atmosphere. Each man is different. If it bothers you that your partner is telling you straight up, yo, I'm out if something happens to you, it should. To me, it's translation that that person is not truly committed to you. Take that serious, take it to heart.

[katrina1980]

That was very well stated Poetic.

 

Your wife is blessed having you as her husband.

 

And again, reminds me of Christopher and Dana Reed and how his tragic accident and subsequent disability brought them closer together, strengthened their love and commitment.

 

I strive to have that type of love, loyalty and level of commitment w my partner someday, sans the accident and disability of course.

[Batya33]

Katrina no not since my early 20s. Since way before that. And certainly if a person is excited about marrying another person for all the right reasons and from the heart that’s great! Sounds like you were in that place with your ex.

[journeynow]

at times talked about marriage and kids and our future together wherever it may be. When I asked him "what if I got into a freak accident and lost my legs or became paralysed babe, what would you do?" after not much thought, he answered "I don't think you can expect me to stay in a relationship with you. I would be there for you and wouldn't just leave you, but I can't commit to stay in a relationship with you. I have my happiness to think about and the same would apply to you if the situation was the other way around. Though this would be different if we were married because of the "in sickness and in health" thing."

 

How serious have you talked marriage? I think it is fine to find out what marriage and commitment mean to each other when you are in a serious relationship. It's ALL hypothetical when you are talking about the future, but exploring possibilities gets you each thinking and communicating about your values. It's true that down the road you may act differently than you expect, but the future is still worth considering.

[bluecastle]

Beautiful and inspiring stuff, Poetic. You're both very lucky to have found each other.

 

Here's another story that might resonate with OP:

 

A good friend of mine is 29 or 30, something like that. Fun, free-spirited woman. Met a great guy around two years ago, has had a blast with him. In love and so on. Whenever we catch up, at least until recently, her attitude about it all is what you hear from a lot of people in chill, happy, secure relationships: He's great, we're good, fun trips, great sex, in it. Pressed a bit about what "in it" meant she'd sort of shrug. She could see them living together—some day. Marriage, kids—not off the table, but not really in the forefront of her mind.

 

Well, he was recently diagnosed with pretty serious cancer. He's 28.

 

Had her bf asked her, before the diagnosis, "What would you do if I got cancer tomorrow?" I'd imagine, knowing my friend well, that her answer would have been something like: "I would freak the F out." Then she'd playfully tell him to top off her wine and stop being so maudlin and ridiculous. Because, well, to test someone's affection and commitment with a catastrophic hypothetical is maudlin and ridiculous.

 

In reality, now that catastrophe has come? She has just been incredible. So calm, so strong, so supportive, so very in love and (from a recent conversation) learning more about love in general and her love for him every day. It's not easy. Not always fun, as neither of them were thinking "chemo" and "courtship" went hand in hand, let alone that a very real fact—the fragility of his life, and its potential to be cut short—now joins them at dinner and at movies. Plenty of "what if" thoughts cross her mind, and of course she has entertained the thought of whether she can handle this.

 

But she is handling it, with grace, probably a level of grace she didn't even know was in her until it happened. She is in it, truly. They are not married, not engaged, just bf and gf who are very serious about each other, and who have discovered just how serious they are when life got super serious. I've got no idea where it will go—that's their business, what they're figuring out together. But I guess my point is that it's best to gauge someone's feelings about you based on the reality that you share and create together.

 

Whatever age OP and her bf are, this all remains—to my mind, and despite the compelling dialogue on marriage fostered here—a pretty immature way to take the temperature of someone's commitment level. And, given their stations in life, perhaps an inaccurate one.

 

She wanted the Hallmark card response—or, well, she wanted Poetic's post to come from her bf's mouth, preemptively, prior to engagement, marriage, and the very slim possibility that, on that journey, she may become a paraplegic. But, hey, if that's what she needs right now to stay in it and feel secure, that's what she needs. No judgement. Just think it's asking an awfully lot from a boyfriend and that there are more productive modes of fostering closeness and learning about someone's character than by spooking them when you got spooked yourself.

[goddess]

I am newly divorced (this past January) but I can say with absolute certainty that, if I was still married and he became paralyzed I would stay with him. You had me really thinking about this question, OP, but here is my take nowadays. I am very hurt and so angry with him, and there are days when I hate him for what he did, but if that happened to him now, and he had no gf or whatever, I wouldn't turn my back to him, if he needed someone. He is a narcissistic, selfish and disrespectful person but he is, after all, the father of my children.

 

I think you thought he'd feel the way that you do, and you were disappointed, surprised and upset when he gave you those answers. I somehow get the feeling that he never expected to hear such a question and just said the first things that popped into his head because he was caught off guard. You must admit that was a heck of a loaded question. Sometimes people say things without thinking it through. I will say, however, that if someone actually encounters that situation, he/she may have a totally different reaction than what they first thought they'd do. Who knows?

 

Here's a story for you: My ex is a physician. When he was doing his residency he stuck himself with a needle he had used on an AIDS patient. We were engaged at the time. Long story short - he asked if I still wanted to get married. In a heartbeat I said "Of course". He was tested for a number of years and always tested negative. He's been fine ever since and has never stuck himself with a needle to this date.

[figureitout23]

Point is that if he were committed to staying with you paralyzed, you'd be engaged or married (assuming it a life goal of his and yours) as it's intrinsic. If you so insisted on asking a goofy question, "would you stay married / leave a marriage if your wife got paralyzed?" would tell us a whole lot more than asking whether he'd stay with you specifically and within a context of you two not having yet made the life commitment that marriage is. And then you could make a values-based assessment on whether that's a stage you need to be at right now or not, and whether you feel you're wasting time and need to move on. I don't have enough information to even speculate in that regard.

 

And that's half the reason the question is so silly. If you're not engaged or married, there's zero point in preceding the commitment or promise to commit to staying with you ever-after while you've got functioning legs, never mind should you hypothetically become paralyzed.

 

There's a reason we as a society tend to make a pretty big distinction between marriage and a relationship.

 

I agree with this and blue.

 

The OPer, by asking this question was looking for validation, period. It was incredibly immature to ask such an off the wall question and honestly if I were him, I’d be questioning the stability of our relationship after her well... childish reaction to such an off the wall hypothetical.

 

We all play ‘would you ever’ but to take the answer seriously to this level... I mean no disrespect but you gotta grow up.

 

I also agree with blue NO ONE and I mean NO ONE knows what they would do until they are face to face with these extreme situations. I work in an incredibly dangerous field, I have seen the biggest, manliest men run like cowards when faced with real life situations, we do not know what we would do. Statistics tell the truth about all this, you don’t know until you are faced with such a daunting hardship. I would never insult the people who are going through it by proclaiming what I would do. Nor would I hold my partner accountable to what ifs when we are both able bodied, healthy individuals who are lucky enough to be .

[mustlovedogs]

This commitment argument isn’t really fair.

 

People divorce for much smaller reasons. Where are the wedding vows there?

 

And, studies show that people often split after the death of a child. Does that mean both people are awful?

 

I get why someone wouldn’t want to be with someone who becomes gravely injured in a way that changes how life is lived. That’s a big ask. Especially if their personality changes (bitterness isn’t fun!)

[Batya33]

Yes. I can see that. And I wanted to add. What I often hear is that the person who is ill or injured tells his or her partner that it’s ok if they leave.

[rchubn]

I don't think you can accurately ask someone something like this and get a true response unless it actually happens. Speaking about it theoretically and speaking about an actual event is something completely different and you definitely shouldn't make you question the validity of your relationship. It's just a theoretical and nothing he says holds any value considering he's not living in the situation.

 

I've seen solid partners leave their spouse as soon as health issues started to rise. Couples that look strong couples that you'd never expect.

 

And I've seen flimsy couples thrive in situations where one partners health is declining.

 

You'll either sink or float. That's the reality.

 

Also, there are lots of alternatives. Your spouse doesnt have to be sole provider, you can get healthcare aides, disability, hire sex therapists ect... it's not an end all situation

 

I'd stay away from hypotheticals. I always say men can't really think that way, they'll either give you the answer you want to hear (just to keep you happy) or put their foot in their mouth. Yes he obviously wants a happy life but that doesnt mean he wont have that with you paralyzed, he's just too far away from the situation to see that. If he loves you sickness and health is a given.

 

He's looking at a situation where he believes you being paralyzed would instantly make him unhappy BUT if he were actually in the situation, he'd soon realize that although it's a hardship, it doesn't necessarily mean he'll be unhappy. It means he'll have adjusting to do.

 

And... If he does leave you if you're paralyzed... screw him lol. Anyone who wouldn't even TRY is someone you don't need in your life. However, if this situation pops up I'd still give him a chance to TRY. I wouldn't dump him or make solid relationship decisions based on his response today with an able bodied girlfriend.

 

Can't dwell on the hypotheticals. If you're meant to be paralyzed you'll be paralyzed, like it or not. If he's meant to stand by you, he'll instantly get in line as soon as the crisis happens (doesnt matter what he says today) and if he's not, you'll find someone who is able to carry you through sickness and health. Life is all about learning

[katrina1980]

This commitment argument isn’t really fair.

 

People divorce for much smaller reasons. Where are the wedding vows there?

 

And, studies show that people often split after the death of a child. Does that mean both people are awful?

 

I get why someone wouldn’t want to be with someone who becomes gravely injured in a way that changes how life is lived. That’s a big ask. Especially if their personality changes (bitterness isn’t fun!)

 

Yeah agree the relationship, and those in it, will no doubt change, sometimes for the worse. In that case, leaving is understandable after a good faith effort to work it out.

 

But on the other hand, it could bring a couple closer and strengthen their love and commitment, like Poetic and his wife and Chris and Dana Reeve.

 

Anyway, I've never been faced with this decision but do know myself very well and if I was in love and committed, there is no way on god's green earth I am going anywhere. For the same reasons Poetic stated in his post.

 

Unless my partner changed in such a profoundly negative way, became bitter or abusive, but initially I would remain by his side and we would embrace the challenge together.

 

Just me. I respect others to make a different choice, I don't think there is a right or wrong when it comes to a decision like this.

[abitbroken]

This commitment argument isn’t really fair.

 

People divorce for much smaller reasons. Where are the wedding vows there?

 

And, studies show that people often split after the death of a child. Does that mean both people are awful?

 

I get why someone wouldn’t want to be with someone who becomes gravely injured in a way that changes how life is lived. That’s a big ask. Especially if their personality changes (bitterness isn’t fun!)

 

But you do not get married saying "i will marry you but i am going to leave if you get cancer, you lose your hair, we have a child and they die or you are infertile"

[katrina1980]

But you do not get married saying "i will marry you but i am going to leave if you get cancer, you lose your hair, we have a child and they die or you are infertile"

 

I hate to rant, but it's one of the problems I see happening in relationships today, and may be why the divorce rate is so high currently.

 

"Sure I'm committed to you, as long as things are fun, the sex is good, and there are no major issues/conflicts to contend with."

 

What is that? A commitment? Not in my world.

 

But perhaps that's not what people want anymore (or some people), which is fine, just don't say you do, if you can't live up to it when times get a little tough, and want to bail.

 

Rant over.

[figureitout23]

But you do not get married saying "i will marry you but i am going to leave if you get cancer, you lose your hair, we have a child and they die or you are infertile"

 

No you don’t say that, you say though sickness and health till death do us part, and those vows are broken every day, it happens. Right or wrong leave the personal judgement at the door, it’s reality.

 

MLD is right, look it up statistically parents of handicapped children or children who died have a much higher divorce rate. Like she said does that make them terrible or human?

 

Sunshine Lollypops rainbows, real life puts commitments to the test and not everyone makes it through.

 

Anyway this isn’t towards you broken but there’s some blatant hypocrisy going on and it’s makkng my eye twitch not saying anything so let me just bow out.

[Seraphim]

Well, I KNOW my life and marriage hasn’t been lollipop rainbows, I DO have a son with a disability etc etc etc yet both my husband and I still state : till death us do part.

[katrina1980]

You're right FIO, it is reality, for many people, hence the high divorce rate. For many reasons.

 

Does not make anyone terrible or inhuman, to the contrary it makes us all human!

 

No judgement from me, I just find it very sad.

 

As I said, no right or wrong when it comes these extremely difficult decisions, and if my partner wanted out, that's his right.

 

And given how he feels, I'd be better off without him too.

[figureitout23]

Well, I KNOW my life and marriage hasn’t been lollipop rainbows, I DO have a son with a disability etc etc etc yet both my husband and I still state : till death us do part.

 

Completely agree with you Sera, you walk the walk you talk, and I find you quite admirable.

[mustlovedogs]

But people don’t get married just to divorce over money, either.

 

I’m not saying people SHOULD leave over illness. But others divorce for much smaller reasons. Why is this going to be viewed as a worse reason than their money issues driving you nuts or you got a crush on someone else or a child died or you just outgrew the relationship?

 

We can’t predict it. That’s all I’m saying.

[Billie28]

But people don’t get married just to divorce over money, either.

 

I’m not saying people SHOULD leave over illness. But others divorce for much smaller reasons. Why is this going to be viewed as a worse reason than their money issues driving you nuts or you got a crush on someone else or a child died or you just outgrew the relationship?

 

We can’t predict it. That’s all I’m saying.

 

Yes!!!

 

There are people that don’t believe in marriage but many of those do believe in divorce.

 

Current divorce statistics are bulli.

Why? Because people marry , knowing they CAN reverse their “commitment” via divorce.

If statistics were drawn up about couples who don’t believe in marriage , the break up rate would be just as high or higher!

 

The OP sort of claims to be in a committed relationship yet still is questioning his commitment by asking a ridiculous hypothetical question.

 

Which really leads me to think that if someone considers marriage with a partner, the only question that should be raised if any is what their partner thinks about divorce?

 

As mustlovedogs said , people leave their partners for much less.

Monetary reasons , infidelity etc Yes all things that are potentially controllable rather than an illness.

 

My friend married her husband for better or for worse. They had a good marriage for 20 years and 4 children. But his stroke broke it. She didn’t believe in divorce when she married him.

They are now divorced.

 

She tried, he tried. They divorced.

 

If someone believes themself to be in a committed relationship regardless if married or not, they would not test that commitment with a stupid question.

[mustlovedogs]

If I became a paraplegic or had some other grave (but long term) illness, I would release my partner but ask them to remain a friend. If it was short term, like terminal lung cancer, I would hope they’d stay since there’s an end in sight (I know that’s awful to say, but still).

 

I don’t know. Maybe that’s just me. But if my quality of life was dropping to the point that i couldn’t live the same way as I knew or I needed 24 hour care, if *I* really love *them*, it seems fair to let them move on for a better life. We both don’t need to suffer.

[katrina1980]

@mld, what if he didn't want to leave? Would you insist he leave, push him away?

 

I used to feel the way you do, imagining myself as the injured/disabled one.

 

But after reading about so many inspiring stories of how it brought a couple closer and strengthened their love, I feel differently now.

 

But I think it would also depend on the extent of the disability..

 

Chris Reeve's situation, paralyzed from neck down, unable to speak or eat without feeding tube, is very extreme. I would need to be very very strong and secure to not push my partner away under those circumstances.

 

But people paralyzed from waist down can still live happy, full, productive lives - they work, have successful careers, own homes, have friends, volunteer, play sports, I think they can even have children.

 

And they have relationships and get married.

 

I recall the man I met at the single's event I spoke of earlier whom I would have gone out with had he asked.

 

Compelling and inspiring man for learning how to rise above his injury/disability and live a happy, productive, fulfilling life. And having the strength to do so!

 

Versus wallowing in self-pity feeling sorry for himself the rest of his life.

 

Those qualities alone are extremely attractive, at least for me.

 

But I get what what you're saying, as I said I used to feel same, but part of that, for me, was not trusting or feeling secure enough that he would want to stay.

 

So I attempt to push him out first, giving him an out.

[mustlovedogs]

Oh no, I wouldn’t push him away. Just offer it up so he wouldn’t need the burden of choosing to leave and living with guilt.