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Thread: Female friends and trust

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    For me it's a matter of the character of the man I am with vs. the fact that he has friends of the opposite sex. If he a trustworthy person, behaves with integrity, and has good character, then what these women do won't have an impact one way or the other on the relationship. You say he is hiding these women (or trying to) from you... is it because you question his integrity and he doesn't want to deal with your insecurity, or is it because he is indeed being shady?

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by redswim30
    But he DID tell you that the one woman came onto him- which he didn't have to. And he did tell you about the friend he wanted to meet up with. It makes sense if he has friends in other countries that he would see them when visiting there. He can't control other people's thoughts or behaviors. You cannot blame him for other people's actions. If you want to stay with him, then you need to be fair to him.

    BUT- If you really don't trust him or think he's definitely going to cheat on you and furthermore you believe he's trash talking you or your relationship- WHY are you with him?? If you truly don't feel like you can trust him, you should just break up.
    You're right he can't control other people's actions. It's just that I would personally not be ok with my friends trying to hook me up with other people. And let them know they were being disrespectful. Plus he just made these two friends during his recent travels, so it's not like they've known each other for years.
    And he only told me the full truth about those other situations after I found out. But yeah, I have some thinking to do..

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by indea08
    I disagree with all of this.

    He shouldn’t have told you about the woman coming onto him. That was oversharing and has done nothing but make you more insecure. A good man would’ve immediately shut her down and removed himself from the situation. No need to make you stress about it.

    And while he can’t control other people’s behaviors, he can absolutely control the situations he puts himself in and the way he’s perceived. Clearly he made this girl feel like she had a shot, otherwise she would not have confessed her feelings. A woman doesn’t just admit an undying love to a man that she knows is fully in love with someone else. Your boyfriend made himself seem available to her. That’s on him.

    If he’s too socially inept to pick up ques that a woman is interested in more than friendship (I don’t believe he is, I think he’s just playing innocent so he can do what he wants), then he should stop putting himself in one on one situations with women. Period.
    That's what I thought, she wouldn't just profess her love for him out of the blue. Thanks for your advice.

  4. #14
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    Originally Posted by bloempje
    That's what I thought, she wouldn't just profess her love for him out of the blue. Thanks for your advice.
    If that is really your opinion of him, then you should 100% break up.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Cherylyn's Avatar
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    You need to let this guy go so he can have all the freedom he desires. It's time for a breakup. Obviously, his loyalty and devotion are not focused on you.

    You deserve a man who knows how to treat you with respect.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bloempje
    No, I don't, it's always in a group setting. I used to study with an ex every once in a while after me and my bf broke up and shortly after we got back together, but decided I didn't think it was appropriate since we were both attracted to each other and we were both in a serious relationship.
    So you do defo have different romantic relationship boundaries and if you are not on the same page when it comes to this, you're going to always feel disrespected (especially if he listens to his so called "friend" and doesn't bring you after he said you could come) and that indifference to you will (more likely then not) ruin the emotional connection you two have/had!

    fter that whole situation, we got back together and we agreed that he would not contact her again.
    Only to find out he was still talking to her and even had plans to meet up.
    What a twit. I'd say goodbye over that alone. You've already broken up once... are you sure he's not just some player-dude meeting women on his travels and 'collecting' them in the guise of 'friends?'

  8. #17
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Sounds to me that two things are at play here: (1) You two never quite got back on a truly smooth and trusting road after the breakup, in large part because (2) your bf sounds, if you'll forgive me, like a bit of a dunce.

    At some point—only you can say when—the issue of his "female friends" because an issue in your relationship. Fine. Issues happen. This is a common one. A non-dunce sees that, listens, takes steps to soften the threat, to change his behavior, to make sure you guys are good; he's repeatedly done the opposite, using, probably only semi-consciously, the "female friend" card as a sword, dangling it here, dangling there, getting you on edge, stirring those "strange feelings."

    Not uncommon, all that. Never cool, never cute.

    Sadly, it kind of sounds like it's become a bit of currency between you two—one of these toxic currencies that slither into a relationship and replace the exchange of genuine affection. Like, I don't know, maybe you pushed a bit after the breakup because of that "strange feeling," and whether you had that "strange feeling" because of your own insecurities, lack of trust in him, or your deep core sense that he's a sucker female attention—well, that doesn't much matter now. What matters is he capitulated with "yeah, so we made out once," and, with some more "talking" about it all, he let you know they'd made out before.

    That's swordplay. That's fanning the flames under the guise of putting out a fire—a dynamic that seems deeply entrenched. Not pointing a finger at you, just spotting how sometimes these corrosive dynamics take hold and stick without us realizing it. And, sadly, some of us have to get knotted up in one or two of these things to be able to spot them more quickly in the future.

    Because, big picture again: dude is a dunce. The big dunce move was saying he wouldn't talk to the first girl and then, well, talking to her. If he felt there was a genuine friendship, kissing aside—well, he could have been a man and tried to explain that. Instead he was a dunce. And as indea aptly noted, it was absurd of him to tell you about the hotel incident. No reason for that except to keep that edge front and center. Flashing his blade. Dunce stuff.

    As for the latest little "female friend" record scratch—well, again his behavior is Dunce 101. She wants to catch up solo—well, sorry. Meet the gf first, because of your history, because your comfort and equilibrium is his priority, and maybe the two of them can catch up another day, once and if you're feeling steady and solid. Simple etiquette where everyone wins, where you guys actually get to get closer. Unless, for him, he doesn't want to "lose" the sword and/or he just has no idea how to be decent. Lose-lose, for you, either way.

    Anyhow, I know 3.5 years is a long time, and I'm sure there's all sorts of great times between you two that are hard to imagine letting go of. But don't mistake feeling on edge with big feelings for someone—and certainly know that it's not how one should regularly feel inside a relationship. You should feel like what you are—unique, singular, someone anyone would be lucky to be with, and who will cherish you. He's not doing that. He's pushing you, testing you, seeing what he can get away with. Not saying he's on the road to being a cheat, just that he sounds like someone who doesn't understand that being "liked" by many can come at the expense of being loved by—and genuinely loving—one.

    He's wearing a dunce cap, and I'd suggest doing some real thinking about whether he's worth your time.

  9. #18
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    You need to wake up! These girls are more than friends, and he is emotionally cheating on you, maybe more!

    You should never have let the first incident go. Lose the boyfriend and learn to establish better boundaries.

  10. #19
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    Thanks for the input everyone, I appreciate it. I just wanted to clarify that he is def not the player type. But just someone with a really high IQ but low EQ. Which is why he does not see the dangers I see. Now it's up to me if I want to deal with having to always explain when things are not appropriate..

  11. #20
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by bloempje
    Now it's up to me if I want to deal with having to always explain when things are not appropriate..
    Girl please... first, unless we are talking about your actual child here, do you really want to be someone's "mom" in order for them to behave in a socially acceptable way? And second, he is not as dumb as you make him out to be; he is probably just acting that way so he can behave however he wants. It's the oldest trick in the book.

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