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Thread: Should women pursue men?

  1. #21
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    If you are "dating" men who you immediately friendzone then of course they will ghost. Dating out of boredom or loneliness is not a good reason to date. Are you on dating apps? If so, it's fine to message men since you are on the apps indicating you are single and want to date. As far as "pursuing", if there is no mutual interest in a second date as indicated by not asking you out or not responding to your communication, then it's time to move on, not "pursue".

    With online dating, there are a lot of one-and-done meets. In those instances it's also not a good idea to "pursue". You seem to be worried about being single and having less success than you hope for with meeting men and dating. Have you reflected on why that is? Are you using a lot of crass "AF" type language in messages or when you are on dates? Perhaps you need to clean up your writing and speaking style.
    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    the dates would go really well, I was so intellectually attracted to them than physically attracted. We had a great intellectual stimulating conversation and I really liked him. All of the sudden I get ghosted by these men.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by j.man
    No one, man or woman, should pursue someone who "ghosts" them or otherwise is obviously disinterested. There isn't a single man worth a damn out there who would genuinely be into a woman only to read her text and say, "Ugh, she's asking me out? I get that it's 2018 and all but geeeeewhizzzzzz... NEXT."

    But trying my best not to be too harsh, if you're the type to take advice from "psychic friends," there's a good chance the intellectual stimulation may not be going both ways on these dates. There are plenty of attractive and "intelligent" people out there in the world. It kinda says something about someone if they're actively pursuing one as though it's exclusive from the other.

    (PS - "AF" means "as f*ck.")

    ETA: I don't know what kind of intellectually stimulating conversation you're referring to specifically, but it's worth noting that a lot of people aren't terribly fond of philosophical or political diarrhea on a first date, even if they are topics they're well versed in. It's often best to keep the conversation a bit lighter when getting to know someone. They may well entertain the topics during the date, but once finished would rather pursue someone who can broach some topics that are a bit more fun.

    I agree 100% with this. There's no harm in asking a guy out who is already somewhat interested, BUT inviting/pursuing guys who ghost or show low interest is never a good idea. I'm guilty of having done this in the past and it never worked on my favour.

    Also, physical attraction and intellectual attraction aren't mutually exclusive and can coexist in the same person. Besides, physical attraction doesn't exactly need to be to guys who look like models. I've felt very physically attracted/lots of chemistry to guys that most people would consider average looking. Sometimes after you get to know the person better you might even feel more physically attracted. But some sort of physical attraction must be there in the beginning.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Lots of people will tell you that it's fine for women to pursue men. But what I see on this board is that a lot of people are freaked out by it, and tell women that they are being 'needy' or 'clingy' when they pursue a guy. So, you can't win lol.
    My personal opinion and experience is that it's ok to persue men (not creepy stalking of course) that you know could be somewhat interested or are already interested in you. Or men you don't know if they're interested or not and want to check if they are. But pursuing men who ghost or show low interest and continuing to do it over and over again is needy and clingy. It depends on the situation.

    A decent man who feels attracted to you won't suddenly become uninterested and back away because the woman had the "audacity" to invite him out or make some sort of move.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by ~Seraphim ~
    Hahaha in my day AF was Aunt Flow... lol
    Hahahaha omg this made me laugh out loud...

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta
    Lots of people will tell you that it's fine for women to pursue men. But what I see on this board is that a lot of people are freaked out by it, and tell women that they are being 'needy' or 'clingy' when they pursue a guy. So, you can't win lol.
    This! It's why I posted a question the other day about the difference between showing interest and chasing haha

    At the end of the day, the conclusion I came to was that the difference between showing interest and chasing someone is that when showing interest we are going with the flow, and not ignoring signs of disinterest. It doesn't have much to do with who asks who out first or with who does the follow up, or whether it's the man or the woman who initiates. An interested person will show interest in carrying on a conversation and/or getting to know someone better. You can show that interest in someone... if you don't hear back from them or what you do hear back is cold or dismissive, take the hint and move on.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    Hello world, I am a ambitious, independent, dynamic, outgoing, extrovert Female who is single AF.

    Iíve dated a lot to know how to distinguish bad men.
    Last year I listed our 12 guys Iíve dated and I choice looks over personality. And it all went pretty bad...lol my fault..

    This year, some of my gifted psychic friends said to meet guys that are not so good looking but has a great personality & heart.

    So....I gave it try...and the dates would go really well, I was so intellectually attracted to them than physically attracted. We had a great intellectual stimulating conversation and I really liked him.

    All of the sudden I get ghosted by these men. And idk why?

    I want to pursue these men, but Iím scared.
    How should I pursue? What should I do?
    What should I say? Should a women pursue men?

    Let me know your thoughts
    In a perfect world it shouldn't be about "pursuing" or "chasing" but about showing interest. Yes, I think women should be proactive if they are looking for a serious relationship (my personal opinion -if a woman is just looking to date occasionally or a casual arrangement it's not worth the time and effort to be proactive if that takes a lot of time - those kinds of arrangements are easier to find). I think women should make sure they are out there and engaged in activities where starting conversations is a natural part of the activity, where you get to see some of the same people on a regular basis plus meet new people. Where you meet women who can then introduce you to men you might find interesting/have things in common with. I think women should start conversations with men, work on being a great listener and on keeping up your part of the conversation, getting good at flirting and showing interest in an appropriate way - not gender- specific -I mean appropriate so the other person is intrigued but not overwhelmed. It's the dance of intimacy so to speak. I think women should be reliable about following up, showing up on time for dates and being an active participant, in saying thank you while on the date (which decreases the temptation to send the transparent thank you text which most often is in the hopes that the guy will ask them out again -show appreciation and say thank you on the date)

    I think women should be on dating sites if they're out of college especially, on the older side and wanting marriage/family and should suggest to meet up if the guy doesn't and they're interested -and then it's fine to let the man ask out for a date.

    I think a woman should get very clear in advance about what she wants - if she truly wants a romantic relationship that mirrors equality in the workplace then treat it that way and ask men out as much as they ask her out - if she truly wants to be in control of how often they date in the beginning then she should do more of the asking out and planning as long as she's comfortable letting the man show interest in other ways other than asking her out on dates. Lying to oneself is just not going to work -if you want a more traditional relationship resist the urge to rationalize that it's 2018 and at work you're treated as an equal and you "go for it'. That's work. Again if you want to "go for it" in that way in a romantic relationship -more power to you if that is what turns you on. And if that is what the guy in question likes. You get to choose what kind of dynamic you want in your life including in your romantic relationships. Obviously whatever you choose may have the downside of limiting the dating pool but no one is required to date or get romantically involved -not a crime to be "picky" or "selective".

    Hope you have fun!

  8. #27
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    Originally Posted by ButterToast
    Hello world, I am a ambitious, independent, dynamic, outgoing, extrovert Female who is single AF.

    Iíve dated a lot to know how to distinguish bad men.
    Last year I listed our 12 guys Iíve dated and I choice looks over personality. And it all went pretty bad...lol my fault..

    This year, some of my gifted psychic friends said to meet guys that are not so good looking but has a great personality & heart.

    So....I gave it try...and the dates would go really well, I was so intellectually attracted to them than physically attracted. We had a great intellectual stimulating conversation and I really liked him.

    All of the sudden I get ghosted by these men. And idk why?

    I want to pursue these men, but Iím scared.
    How should I pursue? What should I do?
    What should I say? Should a women pursue men?

    Let me know your thoughts
    I have often been pursued by CEOs, Lawyers, and business owners. I love it. I don't understand men who don't.

    It is a logical fallacy to conclude good looking men, can't have good personalities. They're just shorter in supply and are competed for by more women. Treat every new person you meet as an individual. Don't judge them by anything, until you get to know them.

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Sportster2005
    I have often been pursued by CEOs, Lawyers, and business owners. I love it. I don't understand men who don't.

    It is a logical fallacy to conclude good looking men, can't have good personalities. They're just shorter in supply and are competed for by more women. Treat every new person you meet as an individual. Don't judge them by anything, until you get to know them.
    I don't think being a corporate executive or in a high powered job means that in your personal relationships you "pursue" people the way you would pursue in a professional environment, i.e. to make a sale/get business, etc. People are complex, wear different hats and often were not lawyers or CEOs until after college -so for many years prior they developed social skills, personalities, etc.

  10. #29
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    Originally Posted by Sportster2005

    I have often been pursued by CEOs, Lawyers, and business owners. I love it.
    ^Straight from the 'horse's' mouth!!

  11. #30
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    Yes. many men love it. I've seen it myself. Whether those men seek out those women for long term relationships, especially if the woman chases or heavily pursues, is another issue entirely. When I was dating there was typically a positive reaction -or better - and typically wasn't effective to find a long term relationship. With exceptions. I remember back then -meaning in the 2000s it was so rare that a major newspaper in a major city did a whole feature story on a woman who was a go getter in the romantic department, courted her husband and then proposed to him and they got married. It was seen as so rare and positive. It was both of course but it made perfect sense to me that that sort of thing working out in that manner was rare.

    I do think people shouldn't treat dating the way they behave professionally, if their job involves getting clients or sales - it's helpful of course because then you're obviously a good communicator - but I think it's a mistake to think that those selling/client development skills should be used in the same way in personal relationships, especially for women who have a sense of needing to prove themselves in, let's say, a male-dominated industry. No submissiveness or passivity of course but probably best to leave the corporate hat off when leaving work and socializing. And the whole mindset of "I go for whatever I want so I'll go for this person" - "going for" doesn't need to be a pursuit the way you would pursue a client. I do think some people make assumptions about women who choose high powered careers about how they will behave in their personal lives. Or, at least, it used to be that way in the recent past.

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