Should women pursue men?

[Batya33]

Hello world, I am a ambitious, independent, dynamic, outgoing, extrovert Female who is single AF.

 

I’ve dated a lot to know how to distinguish bad men.

Last year I listed our 12 guys I’ve dated and I choice looks over personality. And it all went pretty bad...lol my fault..

 

This year, some of my gifted psychic friends said to meet guys that are not so good looking but has a great personality & heart.

 

So....I gave it try...and the dates would go really well, I was so intellectually attracted to them than physically attracted. We had a great intellectual stimulating conversation and I really liked him.

 

All of the sudden I get ghosted by these men. And idk why?

 

I want to pursue these men, but I’m scared.

How should I pursue? What should I do?

What should I say? Should a women pursue men?

 

Let me know your thoughts

 

In a perfect world it shouldn't be about "pursuing" or "chasing" but about showing interest. Yes, I think women should be proactive if they are looking for a serious relationship (my personal opinion -if a woman is just looking to date occasionally or a casual arrangement it's not worth the time and effort to be proactive if that takes a lot of time - those kinds of arrangements are easier to find). I think women should make sure they are out there and engaged in activities where starting conversations is a natural part of the activity, where you get to see some of the same people on a regular basis plus meet new people. Where you meet women who can then introduce you to men you might find interesting/have things in common with. I think women should start conversations with men, work on being a great listener and on keeping up your part of the conversation, getting good at flirting and showing interest in an appropriate way - not gender- specific -I mean appropriate so the other person is intrigued but not overwhelmed. It's the dance of intimacy so to speak. I think women should be reliable about following up, showing up on time for dates and being an active participant, in saying thank you while on the date (which decreases the temptation to send the transparent thank you text which most often is in the hopes that the guy will ask them out again -show appreciation and say thank you on the date)

 

I think women should be on dating sites if they're out of college especially, on the older side and wanting marriage/family and should suggest to meet up if the guy doesn't and they're interested -and then it's fine to let the man ask out for a date.

 

I think a woman should get very clear in advance about what she wants - if she truly wants a romantic relationship that mirrors equality in the workplace then treat it that way and ask men out as much as they ask her out - if she truly wants to be in control of how often they date in the beginning then she should do more of the asking out and planning as long as she's comfortable letting the man show interest in other ways other than asking her out on dates. Lying to oneself is just not going to work -if you want a more traditional relationship resist the urge to rationalize that it's 2018 and at work you're treated as an equal and you "go for it'. That's work. Again if you want to "go for it" in that way in a romantic relationship -more power to you if that is what turns you on. And if that is what the guy in question likes. You get to choose what kind of dynamic you want in your life including in your romantic relationships. Obviously whatever you choose may have the downside of limiting the dating pool but no one is required to date or get romantically involved -not a crime to be "picky" or "selective".

 

Hope you have fun!

[Sportster2005]

Hello world, I am a ambitious, independent, dynamic, outgoing, extrovert Female who is single AF.

 

I’ve dated a lot to know how to distinguish bad men.

Last year I listed our 12 guys I’ve dated and I choice looks over personality. And it all went pretty bad...lol my fault..

 

This year, some of my gifted psychic friends said to meet guys that are not so good looking but has a great personality & heart.

 

So....I gave it try...and the dates would go really well, I was so intellectually attracted to them than physically attracted. We had a great intellectual stimulating conversation and I really liked him.

 

All of the sudden I get ghosted by these men. And idk why?

 

I want to pursue these men, but I’m scared.

How should I pursue? What should I do?

What should I say? Should a women pursue men?

 

Let me know your thoughts

 

I have often been pursued by CEOs, Lawyers, and business owners. I love it. I don't understand men who don't.

 

It is a logical fallacy to conclude good looking men, can't have good personalities. They're just shorter in supply and are competed for by more women. Treat every new person you meet as an individual. Don't judge them by anything, until you get to know them.

[Batya33]

I have often been pursued by CEOs, Lawyers, and business owners. I love it. I don't understand men who don't.

 

It is a logical fallacy to conclude good looking men, can't have good personalities. They're just shorter in supply and are competed for by more women. Treat every new person you meet as an individual. Don't judge them by anything, until you get to know them.

 

I don't think being a corporate executive or in a high powered job means that in your personal relationships you "pursue" people the way you would pursue in a professional environment, i.e. to make a sale/get business, etc. People are complex, wear different hats and often were not lawyers or CEOs until after college -so for many years prior they developed social skills, personalities, etc.

[katrina1980]

 

I have often been pursued by CEOs, Lawyers, and business owners. I love it.

 

 

^Straight from the 'horse's' mouth!!

[Batya33]

Yes. many men love it. I've seen it myself. Whether those men seek out those women for long term relationships, especially if the woman chases or heavily pursues, is another issue entirely. When I was dating there was typically a positive reaction -or better - and typically wasn't effective to find a long term relationship. With exceptions. I remember back then -meaning in the 2000s it was so rare that a major newspaper in a major city did a whole feature story on a woman who was a go getter in the romantic department, courted her husband and then proposed to him and they got married. It was seen as so rare and positive. It was both of course but it made perfect sense to me that that sort of thing working out in that manner was rare.

 

I do think people shouldn't treat dating the way they behave professionally, if their job involves getting clients or sales - it's helpful of course because then you're obviously a good communicator - but I think it's a mistake to think that those selling/client development skills should be used in the same way in personal relationships, especially for women who have a sense of needing to prove themselves in, let's say, a male-dominated industry. No submissiveness or passivity of course but probably best to leave the corporate hat off when leaving work and socializing. And the whole mindset of "I go for whatever I want so I'll go for this person" - "going for" doesn't need to be a pursuit the way you would pursue a client. I do think some people make assumptions about women who choose high powered careers about how they will behave in their personal lives. Or, at least, it used to be that way in the recent past.

[katrina1980]

My mom's 'profession' was a model and she 'heavily' pursued my dad, even asked him to marry her!

 

But they had a crap marriage and he cheated on her for years, eventually divorcing her and marrying her best friend from college whom HE pursued.

 

That said, I know of couples where the woman's nature was dominant and the man's nature was more passive, and she did most of the pursuing. It was what worked for them and led to long term.

 

I don't think anyone was suggesting that when a woman pursues, she does so in the same aggressive manner she pursued/is pursuing her professional career.

 

Just like when a very successful professional man pursues me or any woman, his style is not gonna be nearly as aggressive or in some cases 'cut throat" that resulted in his professional success.

 

The nuances in pursuing people/relationships are much gentler and softer than in pursuing professional success, no matter who is doing the pursuing.

 

As an aside, last night I watched "Top Gun" (had not seen in years) -- Tom Cruise was a larger than life overly-aggressive cocky go-getter fighter pilot and the way he "pursued" Kelly McGinnis (his flight instructor) -- the sensitivity, the vulnerability, while remaining bold and confident actually gave me chills!!

 

She also did her fair share of pursuing him too, which also gave me chills.

 

That is the ideal in my opinion, where both people are "pursuing" each other.

 

Lol @ how many times I used the word 'pursued' in this post!

[Batya33]

I was talking about Sportsters post which seemed to imply aggressive behavior. My husband was extremely shy when we first dated. I was not -total extrovert (but was shy as a child so I think that may be why I relate well to shy/introverted people, I get it!). Took him several months to get up the courage to ask me out and after he did he was the one who did all of the asking in the beginning, until we were serious. And around the 4th date when I said I wasn't sure about things (I also was dating someone else) he did his best to convince me to give us a chance. But not in an aggressive way at all. He never was aggressive so it wasn't like being chased - it was more that he took the traditional role of doing the asking out. And insisted on paying. I was not passive in the least even though he asked out on dates. I don't think that means the woman is being passive as there are many ways of showing interest.

 

Yes, I think both people should "pursue" each other -and it works best if they show interest in the way that makes the most sense to them, is the most comfortable -with the exception that I am a fan of going outside one's comfort zone in relationships if the result is to show more vulnerability/be closer. Not as a way to rationalize fitting a square peg in a round hole, though.

 

I do know of women in intense careers like mine who have commented -and this is many women over many years- about how it's whatever year, how they "go for it" in their career so why not call the guy (again), ask him out, have sex right away because that kind of go for it/go getter attitude has served them well professionally. I just don't think it's the best analogy. In my career life apparently my colleagues thought I would take 4 days maternity leave, tops (well, they knew I'd take the 12 week but they figured I'd cut that short too). No one guessed I was thinking of being home long term. That's what I mean - other than the colleagues we're personally close to our professional demeanors/roles can be so different from what we're like romantically or at home.

 

I really enjoyed what you wrote by the way especially about Top Gun! Hope you also loved Risky Business lol.