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Thread: How long do you want someone to be out of a relationship before you start dating

  1. #21
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    If it was a short relationship (6 months or less) then give it at least a couple months before dating.

    If it was a longer relationship, obviously a longer time. If the relationship was a year or more..give it at least 6 months.

    If it was a marriage, dating would be off the table for at least a year, maybe longer.


    This is a loosely based timeline to follow. You have to take into account as well how their mental state is regarding the relationship. Are they over their ex? Are they still in contact? Do they still talk about them or miss them? Etc, etc.

    These things all matter as well.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by katrina1980
    What exactly is a "rebound" anyway? I've never understood this.

    Unless we are dating someone who has never had a RL, aren't we all rebounds?

    Our past always affects our present, no matter how long it's been since we've broken up.
    I see youre thinking very abstractly today.

    We can grab a cup of tea and discuss definitions all night but for the sake of helping posters who are asking legitimate questions, its a departure.

    Rebounding - for the most part, we all have our personal beliefs of what this looks like. I think if an individual is say posting on healing after breakup discussing how they cant stop looking at their exes social media and how they cant believe its over and then they mention they have a date at 7, WHICH HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE, I think most would agree they are rebounding. Defined as using someone to get over a previous relationship, to help make the pain stop, to drag you into their sh*t.

    Butterflies and big words and overly dramatic ideas aint gonna make that ok.

    So in that respect, no, we are not all rebounding.

  3. #23
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    Originally Posted by jackie103
    Everyone has a past relationship... but when you start dating someone new, how long do you usually want them to be single for? Of course it depends on how long their last relationship was but really, it can be hard to tell if someone is actually over their ex or not or just using you as a rebound.
    If a marriage, I would want one year legally single. If long term and not married/no kids, more flexible. My husband was shortly out of a one year relationship and I was 6 months out of a long term one when we reconnected and started dating again. No rebound issues.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    I see youre thinking very abstractly today.

    We can grab a cup of tea and discuss definitions all night but for the sake of helping posters who are asking legitimate questions, its a departure.

    Rebounding - for the most part, we all have our personal beliefs of what this looks like. I think if an individual is say posting on healing after breakup discussing how they cant stop looking at their exes social media and how they cant believe its over and then they mention they have a date at 7, WHICH HAS HAPPENED MORE THAN ONCE, I think most would agree they are rebounding. Defined as using someone to get over a previous relationship, to help make the pain stop, to drag you into their sh*t.

    Butterflies and big words and overly dramatic ideas aint gonna make that ok.

    So in that respect, no, we are not all rebounding.
    I remember when I rebounded. I almost married Mr Right on Paper when I was 23. We got engaged. He didnít excite me and I was always wondering what was out there. We broke up and right after I met two guys - through one mutual friend and they knew each other. One was really hot looking and reserved kind of cold and fresh out of college where heíd partied a lot. Awesome dancer. Not interested in settling down. The chemistry blew me away. Second guy was a bit older and kind of settled. He had just ended an engagement and was a gentleman and kind of shy and intellectual and not unattractive but not hot. Both wanted to date me. Because Iíd just ended an engagement with a nice stable guy I went for the bad guy. And know it wasnít an intentional rebound. I was 23 and living it up. I also dated the good guy for a bit and he knew who I would choose.
    I ended up regretting my decision years later and by then good guy had settled for the woman he eventually married. He was still attracted to me and I didnít pursue it because he was taken. Bad boy and I had a long term rollercoaster relationship. He actually did propose after a few years and I declined. I must have sensed somewhere deep down that something was off - Iíve mentioned him before since he ended up happily married to a wonderful man.
    Classic rebound. But when I started dating my husband it was like a clean slate. Sure I compared him to last boyfriendís including the most recent ltr but not in any real way and actually they had stuff in common. And I knew it wasnít because the relationship has lasted - it was never a way to get over my ex or any other signs of rebound as I define it.

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  6. #25
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    How soon did they check out of the relationship? I know people who were with someone for years, but they emotionally, mentally (and what not) distanced themselves from the relationship. Eventually they had the guts to break it off (or couldn't take it any longer). After a couple of weeks, or in some cases even days, they had moved on to someone new, someone who they really wanted to be with. Some are outlasting their previous relationship and are much happier. Others I cannot comment on as it's still a fresh relationship.

    The moral of this anecdote: How long your date was single for may not matter as long as he/she checked out of his/her recent relationship long enough.


    Signs you could be a rebound, depending on context (as context always matters):
    - Your date is trying to fill a void.
    - Your date compares you to his/her ex a lot.
    - Your date talks constantly about his/her ex.
    - Your date refuses to talk about his/her ex.
    - Last but not least, when you guys accidentally bump into the ex on the street and your date is trying to impress the ex.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by jackie103
    Youíre all right, I guess there are a lot of factors going into this. I know it took me a long time until I was actually ready to start dating again... I was serial dating after my last relationship to get my mind off of the ex but I found myself to feel worse after every date because I would compare, and most of the time, I get absolutely no chemistry with the person I went on a date with.

    I suppose that experience has me afraid for dating now since now I know that I am mentally and emotionally ready to date. It seems as though itís very hard to find someone at the right time these days... One person is always hung up on an ex

    And that is why people should be cautious, because there are people like you out there who indulge in dating frenzies because they want to feel good about themselves!

    Originally Posted by jackie103
    I hope Iíd be a good judge! Iím going on a first date with someone tomorrow and I have suspiciisons that her ex is still lingering around.
    Maybe it'll be karma if he / she is dating to deceive people, just like you have done.

    On a more personal note, i think it's always a good idea to ask how long ago their last r/ship ended and why? And also ask how they feel about that relationship ending.

    By doing that, you will either ascertain whether they're ready to start something new, or provide them with the impetuous to be honest with themselves and either try to reconcile with their ex, or be honest enough to consider that they're not ready to enter a new r/ship with you or anybody else.
    Last edited by canterbury; 11-06-2018 at 03:36 AM.

  8. #27
    Silver Member Jellybean9's Avatar
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    I honestly think you can't put a "time" on it.

    Everyone is different.

    There are those couples who have been together for years. It could be a very unloving relationship. Maybe they are married and staying together "for the kids". That relationship would have been over ages before any final divorce. Would they still technically need to wait a year before getting out there?


    I do think every situation is different.

    A lot of people judge others when they are "dating too soon". But I don't think there is. If you are emotionally ready then why let society dictate when you start dating.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    That is your instincts telling you three is a crowd.
    Originally Posted by jackie103
    every date I went on who talked about their ex, I wasnít interested in them afterwards.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    It depends. I know people who began dating someone very short out of a very long term relationship and ended up marrying and etc but I also know other cases when even after a long time after the break up, they were just rebounding. One should pay attention to how they talk about the ex but yes, I'll take it as a red flag if they're straight out of a relationship and even more if it was marriage and they're not divorced yet.

    I was once dating a guy who had broken up with his ex 4 months ago and they were together for 2 years. He said he was the one who broke up with her because he wasn't feeling it with her anymore and didn't want to continue the relationship. So far so good, but one day out of the blue he sends me a message breaking up saying that he couldn't stop thinking about his ex and get over her. At first I didn't see it coming but then I realise that a big red flag was there: he was coming too strong too soon to me and rushing everything. That might be a sign that someone is rebounding even if everything else points out that they're over the ex.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by DancingFool
    I don't look at time so much as their emotional state and behavior. Someone can be out of a relationship recently and healthy and ready to start something new. Someone can be out five years and still a mess. Focusing on time isn't a good indicator of relationship readiness and can give you a false sense of security in the case of a person who has been slow to move on or is carrying bitter baggage.
    +1. For example, a person can be only a few months physically out of a relationship, but could have checked out over a year ago, and was waiting for the right time to exit.

    What is a good sign when I'm dating someone, is the lack of emotion in bringing up the "ex". The way I look at it, the opposite of love is indifference. So, any type of emotions or long discussions of an "ex" is a red flag for me.

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