Found photo of ex-wife in Boyfriend's nightstand

Been dating a guy for a year. We are in our mid-30s. He married his high school sweetheart but has been divorced for 8 years. She cheated on him and left him. I recently found an old pic of them in is nightstand. Keep in mind, he has moved several times since they've been together so he had to make an effort to keep this photo from house to house, state to state (he hasn’t moved since I met him, so this pic could have been there before “us”). I'm not typically the jealous type, but I'm upset. Why would he keep a pic of his ex-wife so close at hand?? Is he idealizing this woman even though she left him and is remarried with kids? Will he EVER truly get over her? We recently visited his parents house and came across some old photos of him and his ex-wife. I was OKAY with it cause they were in an old box in a closet. I mean, they WERE married and I realize he had a life before me. He did not make an effort to get rid of them though, just put them back in his parents closet. We've talked about his past marriage and he says looking back the divorce was a blessing and he would thank her for ending it (but what else would he say to his new girl…) But no girl wants to feel like she’s 2nd choice (like I will never compare to his one true love). If his ex wanted him back, would he go…? Probably not, but then again…there’s no pic of ME in his nightstand… I'm torn on what to do.

1. confront him and ask why he has a pic of his ex-wife in his nightstand in such an accessible location. I know what he will say: "I forgot it was there and they are my memories" . He will likely get rid of the pic but I won’t know if it’s because he WANTs to or trying to appease me and/or scared to lose me.

2. offer to "refinish" his nightstand and dresser. The set is old but quality furniture. He knows I love refinishing furniture and have done many pieces in my own home. This will force him to go through the items in the nightstand (without me present) and will see if the pic makes it into the "new" nightstand. As I type this, I see how this seems sneaky, but if he still has secret feelings for his EX 8 years after marriage, I'd like to know now and not waste any more time. I want to be someone’s #1.

None of the above.

Whether you like it or not, she was a part of his life at one point.

Are you saying if the photo was found else where, it wouldn't bother you?

How do you know he just never removes to contents of the drawer when he moves?

You taking that as being 2nd choice is a pretty far leap. You are not a mind reader and it sounds rather insecure for no reason.

Unless he's given other reasons to think he's not that into you or not over his ex, I'd leave this alone and stay out of his drawers.

OMG, the guy probably doesn't even know what is in his nightstand. I divorced my ex-wife five years ago and got rid of all the obvious photos of her or gave them to kids.

I've moved twice since then and still run across random crap.

Are you expecting him to go over every inch of his home on a search and destroy mission?

Unless you have some reason to think he is not over her, drop this way of thinking.

Is he bringing her up? comparing you to her? etc.?

I doubt it.

I don't have a *desk* nightstand, just a lamp on a table. And I still couldn't tell you what's on it.

Actually, come to think of it, a few months back I found a ticket stub from the 2015 Star Wars movie on it. And I'm no slob, I just don't pay much attention to it unless it looks like a mess.

I don't know if it means anything. How is your relationship, otherwise?

I have pictures like that all over the place--not on display, but they do turn up here and there. I actually have a card from an ex boyfriend sitting on the shelf in my nightstand. It was a nice card with a nice message. I found it one day while cleaning, and threw it on that shelf with a couple other sentimental reminders. I don't take it out and pine after my ex boyfriend. I am happy in the relationship that I am in.

I once found a two year old Whatchamacallit bar in my nightstand, and believe me, I care a whole lot more about eating those than I do throwing away pictures of exes, so that says something about just how little some guys care about going through nightstands or cabinets.

It's actually kinda funny to me that you take so much offense to this as my nightstand is literally my "**** I don't know where else to put" drawer, not my "things to keep close at hand" drawer. It'd probably be more offensive to have a picture of my fiancee in there than an ex of mine.

You say you're not typically the jealous type, so I'd say it's time to walk the walk. Let it go.

Why were you going through his nightstand?

And I agree with everyone else. I once had a guy scream at me horrendously because he "found" an old photo of my ex-boyfriend. "Found" = under my bed, in a box with about a million other photos. I had no idea it was even in there.

I never empty drawers when I move. I move frequently and no way am I going to empty drawers. Empty them into what? And why, when I'll just end up putting everything back?

What do you suspect? That he's looking at the photo mooning over his ex? That he's using it for self pleasure fantasies?

I once found a two year old Whatchamacallit bar in my nightstand, and believe me, I care a whole lot more about eating those than I do throwing away pictures of exes, so that says something about just how little some guys care about going through nightstands or cabinets.

 

It's actually kinda funny to me that you take so much offense to this as my nightstand is literally my "**** I don't know where else to put" drawer, not my "things to keep close at hand" drawer. It'd probably be more offensive to have a picture of my fiancee in there than an ex of mine.

 

You say you're not typically the jealous type, so I'd say it's time to walk the walk. Let it go.

^^^ All of this!

Move the photo somewhere else. I bet he won't even notice.

You're over-thinking. Nightstands are easy to move with their contents in place, or otherwise toss everything into a box marked 'nightstand' and empty the box back into the nightstand after each move.

If you want to make yourself miserable about someone's past, you can do that. You could just try to find a unicorn-man who sprung from the womb fully formed without a history.

I'd leave BF's private belongings alone and focus on more productive things, unless you're looking for drama and a way to harm your own relationship with BF.

Why is everyone so quick to dismiss this? Do you know him? Know what he's thinking and feeling?

How do y'all know it doesn't mean anything, are you psychic?

He may masturbate to her pic every night for all we know, that's why her pic is in his nightstand.

Not saying he is, but it's possible!

The only way OP will know is to communicate with her BF about it.

OP, be subtle when you do. Do not accuse him of anything, but definitely ask, I would!

This is YOUR heart, you need to protect it, and if he still harbors feelings for his ex wife, this is something you need to find out.

Again, no accusations. Just straight honest communique.

It's amazing the things you find out about each other when you do!

ETA: Personally, I think it's strange, especially since he's moved several times since their divorce.

Drawers are typically if not always cleaned out when moving, movers require it. Unless he moved himself, but still I would ask.

He may not clean out the draws when moving. Do not be sneaky. Why doesn't he have any nice framed pictures of you that You Gave Him? He doesn't have to erase or destroy all evidence of life before you, just because he started dating again.

there’s no pic of ME in his nightstand.

Why is everyone so quick to dismiss this? Do you know him? Know what he's thinking and feeling?

 

How do y'all know it doesn't mean anything, are you psychic?

 

He may masturbate to her pic every night for all we know, that's why her pic is in his nightstand.

 

Not saying he is, but it's possible!

 

The only way OP will know is to communicate with her BF about it.

 

OP, be subtle when you do. Do not accuse him of anything, but definitely ask, I would!

 

This is YOUR heart, you need to protect it, and if he still harbors feelings for his ex wife, this is something you need to find out.

 

Again, no accusations. Just straight honest communique.

 

It's amazing the things you find out about each other when you do!

That's not saying there can't ever be a situation that may call for an explanation, but if the bar is set so low that old photos in the nightstand require "communication," that's absolutely miserable.

But you're right. I would find out a whole lot about a woman bringing up such straight honest communique over something so mundane, namely the abysmal level of trust she had in me.

Because the question itself is an implication, as "subtle" as you may think you're being about it. If she trusted him, she'd simply assume the justification. There wouldn't be a question raised.

 

That's not saying there can't ever be a situation that may call for an explanation, but if the bar is set so low that old photos in the nightstand require "communication," that's absolutely miserable.

 

But you're right. I would find out a whole lot about a woman bringing up such straight honest communique over something so mundane, namely the abysmal level of trust she had in me.

What you are suggesting is that she have "blind trust." Which I don't agree with.

I modified my post at the end; I think it's strange no matter how much I trusted him.

Especially since he's moved several times since his divorce. As I said drawers are typically if not always cleaned out, movers require it and even if moving yourself, things such as photos can very easily fall out of drawers when moving. So all furniture is cleaned out prior.

I am not saying for sure it means something, maybe it doesn't, but it's definitely odd in my opinion, and warrants an honest open discussion.

Having trust does "not" mean dismissing things that are questionable, such as this.

If you consider this "mundane" and wouldn't be questionable to you, more power to ya.

But it isn't mundane to the OP and would not be mundane to me either, no matter how much I trusted him.

I recall a thread wherein a woman found a used condom under the bed and she and her BF didn't use condoms and hadn't in a long time.

I suppose your advice would have been to have "blind trust" in that situation too, assume he had not cleaned under his bed in ages, not ask him about it and just "trust" him.

I'm sure I don't need to explain to you how important good honest communication is, even if communicating means asking the hard questions sometimes that again are questionable, as this is, in my opinion.

NOT accusing or "confronting" just asking. Gauge his (or her) reaction.

We all need to stop "pretending" we're cool with stuff when we're not. This is dishonest.

Talk about it, resolve it (hopefully), it's how you build intimacy and an even stronger trust.

If you can't discuss your concerns with your SO, then what the hell is the point of even being in a RL?

Anyway, we can agree to disagree j.man.

finding a photo of your x in

What you are suggesting is that she have "blind trust." Which I don't agree with.

That's why I suggested if he gave her no other reason for concern, then she should drop it.

If there were other signs along the way, I might bring it up but I'd have a hard time justifying why I was going through his night stand to begin with.

She didn't mention anything else out of the ordinary so to assume he might masturbate to it is again another far leap.

That's why I suggested if he gave her no other reason for concern, then she should drop it.

 

If there were other signs along the way, I might bring it up but I'd have a hard time justifying why I was going through his night stand to begin with.

 

She didn't mention anything else out of the ordinary so to assume he might masturbate to it is again another far leap.

Well, many of you are assuming it "doesn't" mean anything so what's the difference between what I'm "assuming" or suggesting and what you're assuming/suggesting?

An assumption is an assumption no matter how we spin this.

Anyway, I am not really assuming anything only said none of us are physic and therefore don't know why the pic is there.

And that it's "possible" he masturbates, or at the very least reminisces. It's also possible it means nothing.

However, since it obviously troubles the OP, to ask him, not strangers on a message board.

That's all.

I'm wondering guys, what's the harm in OP saying to her bf in a non-accusatory, non-confrontation way "hey I found a photo of Xxxxx in your nightstand, is this something I need to be concerned about?

Say it with a chuckle sort of in a teasing way and gauge his reaction. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

I don't know, I'm into honest and open communique so I would, "assuming" we had a strong connection and I felt comfortable bringing up "uncomfortable" topics when something was bothering me.

Versus, "pretending" I'm cool with it, even when I'm not; I am SO over doing that! It's so dishonest and doesn't really resolve anything, again jmo.

I'm wondering guys, what's the harm in saying to your bf in a non-accusatory, non-confrontation way "hey I found a photo of Xxxxx in your nightstand, is this something I need to be concerned about? Say it with a chuckle sort of in a teasing warm and gauge his reaction.

I could totally see myself saying that.

BUT it would depend on the situation.

Like I said earlier, if he gave me no other reason for concern, I wouldn't say anything. But I might be on the look out going fwd.

I have random pictures in random places. If someone wanted to assume something bad about it, it would be wasted energy, it would

put a negative spin on something unnecessary and I'd be annoyed that they helped themselves to my personal things.

3 strikes. . and was it worth it?

. . My last bf was suspicious and mistrusting, so it colors my responses. I don't like having my integrity challenged when I don't deserve it.

Just the mere question infers something is wrong. So don't think by `chuckling and teasing' I don't know what you are after :)

Maybe the younger me might have acted on it.

Hmmm. . maybe with age there is some wisdom?

or, maybe it just a personal preference.

I'm wondering guys, what's the harm in saying to your bf in a non-accusatory, non-confrontation way "hey I found a photo of Xxxxx in your nightstand, is this something I need to be concerned about? Say it with a chuckle sort of in a teasing warm and gauge his reaction.

 

I could totally see myself saying that.

BUT it would depend on the situation.

 

Like I said earlier, if he gave me no other reason for concern, I wouldn't say anything. But I might be on the look out going fwd.

 

I have random pictures in random places. If someone wanted to assume something bad about it, it would be wasted energy, it would

put a negative spin on something unnecessary and I'd be annoyed that they helped themselves to my personal things.

3 strikes. . and was it worth it?

 

. . My last bf was suspicious and mistrusting, so it colors my responses. I don't like having my integrity challenged when I don't deserve it.

Just the mere question infers something is wrong. So don't think by `chuckling and teasing' I don't know what you are after :)

 

Maybe the younger me might have acted on it.

Hmmm. . maybe with age there is some wisdom?

or, maybe it just a personal preference.

I see your point reinvent, but let me clarify, if this were me and I found a photo of my bf's ex in his nightstand drawer, after he had moved several times and cleaned out the drawers, I would not necessarily "assume" anything bad or negative, but I would think it's "questionable" and would ask in the way I suggested she ask.

Non confrontational, non-accusatory. Open and honest dialogue even if everything up to that point had been going smoothly with no issues.

The way I look at it, there are never any issues until there are.

But yeah agree it would depend on the situation, our dynamic, connection and comfort level.

With my current bf, after what we just went through (see my thread), I would definitely feel comfortable asking, again in the way I suggested.

I know if something was troubling me, no matter how "mundane" it appeared to him, he would WANT me to ask, he would not want me burying it, or pretending to be okay with it. He told me so, made it perfectly clear that this is how he prefers to conduct RLs. With openness and honesty.

So in our situation, I would ask.

If the OP does not have this type of dynamic, connection or level of trust with her bf, such that she feels open and free to discuss things that trouble her, without her bf gaslighting her or flipping the script, that might be another issue altogether.

My movers have never "required" me to empty drawers. And I've moved about 6 times in the past 8 years.

He's probably forgotten the pic.

I ran across a forgotten pic of an ex the other day. I'm going through the last of the boxes from my move last year. If I'd had it in my nightstand, I probably would have forgotten that it was there too.

Yes, I threw it away because I wouldn't want to answer any emotionally-charged questions about it.

Well if it was in the drawer mixed in with a bunch of other stuff, then I might feel differently.

But if it's in the drawer by itself, then yeah I would be bothered by that, and I've moved several times as well, and it's common sense to move stuff out of drawers otherwise you risk stuff falling out when the drawers swing open during the move, which they do and will.

Just my experience.

Imo when a relationship ends, you place all remnants of your EX in a box and file it away like on a shelf in your closet or something.

So again, unless it's mixed in with a bunch of other stuff, I think it's odd and would ask him, in the way I suggested earlier.

If no one else would be bothered by it, that's fine, whatever works for you.

But like I said, the OP is troubled by it, so what should she do? Not say anything and let it fester, to the point she starts snooping through his phone looking for evidence? How does that resolve anything?

Why not just ask in a non-accusatory way for heaven's sake?

Not understanding the rationale for not doing so.

That's what I would do anyway.

He's probably forgotten the pic.

 

I ran across a forgotten pic of an ex the other day. I'm going through the last of the boxes from my move last year. If I'd had it in my nightstand, I probably would have forgotten that it was there too.

 

Yes, I threw it away because I wouldn't want to answer any emotionally-charged questions about it.

Cool, then if/when your gf asks (not confronts nor accuse, simply asks) you simply tell her that!

DONE, over.

Never to be brought up again.

On the other hand, if his reaction is to become defensive, flip it on you accusing you of "snooping" through his drawers or not trusting him or some other form of BS, that is very telling and something I would not dismiss so easily.

It suggests he does have something to hide, and I also might mention that in many cases, when a gf, bf finds pics of ex's hanging around, or other stuff relating to an EX, there is something going on, or at the very least, he/she is still harboring feelings.

Can't speak for anyone else, but this is something I need to know in order to move forward in the RL, which is why I ask.

Why is everyone so quick to dismiss this? Do you know him? Know what he's thinking and feeling?

That's easy. Either you trust your partner, or you don't. If so, there's nothing to read into an 8 year old relic, and if not, then what are you doing with him?

OP is free to harm her relationship if she wants to--it's not against the law. It's just not the advice I would give anyone who doesn't have a fabulous answer to why she was going through a partner's private stuff.