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Everything posted by Seymore

  1. My therapist once told me that the person I was describing (ex) didn't exist. I was going over the good times more than the bad and making excuses for the bad, and I needed to look at the whole picture and see the whole person. Make a list of the good and bad and be honest. You'll begin to see the person as a whole. Not only that but you'll see their future based on the way they acted (because people can change, but not by much). Then insert yourself into that future in your mind. Is it worth your time?
  2. Thank you so much. I have to admit, figureitout's comments, while harsh, pushed me to not think about her at all this week and it's mostly worked. If I've ever caught myself starting to think about her kids or her, I stop the thoughts and say I made the decisions I made, that's the way it is, and I was right to leave. I may have hurt people, but my life goes on and so does theirs. And it does. You can't step forward while having even one toe in the past. One day, hopefully sooner than later, I'll either not think about her at all, or think about her the same way as I think of all my previous exes - as an empty thought, where it doesn't affect me whether they're happy or not. They are just another person I used to know. Yesterday my parents wanted to meet me for dinner near my ex's place - near the martial arts school we used to train at, where most of our mutual friends were. After dinner I drove past the school and wanted to drop in to say hi, but I realized that was another life. I have to let that all go. If they hate me, they hate me. While I miss them, I can't control their impressions of me, if that makes any sense.
  3. ? I don't know how much you've moved on but you probably shouldn't be dating the guy you're with now. If my girlfriend had some obsession with showing ANY ex, let alone one from 5 years ago, how good they looked etc...I'd be seriously rethinking my relationship with her.
  4. Yes, they know my history. That's one reason I got off social media - I have most of my family overseas who never met her in person and they saw all the good times on FB so they assumed she was great. One cousin even told me I was wrong to leave despite me telling her about the abuse. One member kept sending her gifts of the things she collects, according to the ex. When she showed up at my place she told me my family overseas was very supportive of her, again with that sick smile, I knew she reveled in the fact that she had them. Well, she can have them. I messaged everyone in my family that she was friends with saying I was so embarrassed to ask but please delete her. Some agreed immediately and I stay in contact with them, but some refused. Over the next year after the breakup she tried friending other friends and family members of mine. I know her plan was to convince them she wasn't all that bad. The following year on my birthday my godmother asked to take me to dinner and at that dinner said she talked with my ex. I told her again all the abuse (and she's a social worker), and asked her to please unfriend her. She said she would think about it and that she was a good person. I know she hasn't unfriended her so every holiday when family comes over, I'm very careful what I share about my personal life to her. I really try and I hated asking people to unfriend others but it sucks when you can't trust blood. It's made me very paranoid and yes it has hampered things but despite that I feel I've still come a long way. Ditching friends AND family is hard. I don't look for her car on the way to or from work (our paths cross on the way), I've passed her house a couple of times and I feel less and less. But I'm still angry at what she took. And I know some of the blame lies on me for getting with her in the first place and I'm trying to accept that and move on. Really I am.
  5. It takes time. I'm 3 years in after leaving a toxic ex and while the gym isn't my deal, I've gone to therapy, made new friends, started guitar classes and picked up a locksmith hobby. I know that last one is sketchy to some but I've helped some of my neighbors into their house or car and it gives me such a rewarding feeling, especially when I refuse any compensation. I enjoy helping people. I have started working out at home and maybe I'll end up in a gym. We will see how that pans out. These are things I've always wanted to do (aside from therapy lol) and it's helping to re-establish a feeling of self. I'm not 100% better yet but these things have helped me to find my own life again.
  6. Thanks Annia. I did get a reply today from the website host and all of her emails are blocked now. They've also been blocked in my email account as soon as I would receive one from her. You are correct about some people being the type to not stop even after a meeting to declare it's over. I know this because I've had to cut off all mutual friends and some family - the minute I would talk to one of them, I knew they would talk to her because she would ramp up the attempts. So I cut all ties and that's when she really got nuts because there was nobody left to feed her information. A Meetup to end things in her mind would be a victory knowing that her persistence in getting a response paid off, and open a whole new can of worms. She has no sense of boundaries. I never claimed to be 100% but compared to even one year ago, I am doing much better.
  7. What excuses? My refusal to do anything to stop her? I've blocked her and she emails through a new address. I've gotten completely off social media. I've contacted local police. What do you suggest now?
  8. I agree you should block him in every way you can. My ex was abusive and still three years later I have the occasional dream/nightmare regarding her or her kids. Usually it involves me running into her kids (I always loved and got along with her kids), now in college and asking how things are going and giving advice. In those dreams they used to hate me but now we talk like normal. Early on it was the same dreams as you had, but as I blocked and stayed NC with her, I found the dreams changed - where in the dreams if she was around I became more indifferent, or avoided her altogether. And as time goes on and you enjoy your life alone, you'll find the dreams come less often. Just know that eventually it'll all go away if you let it. And therapy doesn't hurt. Might hurt the wallet for a spell but just letting it all out and having some support is worth the cost in the long run.
  9. Took the words right out of my mouth, thank you. Also, I never said I was 100% over it. I said I was definitely doing better. I know the details of the hell I went through weren't in my original post but I've had to call police on her while in the relationship and deal with her abuse. 3 months after the breakup we had a "civil" conversation after she snuck into my complex, and she tried telling me she never choked me and that I was the on who did it to her, and that other things she did never happened. I started it civil and she showed me that all she was interested in doing was gaslighting me, and all the while doing so with a sick smile. I don't wish to have such a conversation again. Closure comes from within and I'm working on bettering my life.
  10. Thank you! It can be difficult but I'm glad I stayed NC. You always want to believe things will be better but what's the cost, you know? And after a while through their behavior you start to see that things really haven't changed. It's sad but I've gotta keep pressing on. I'm very careful of what I tell certain family members about my personal life as well. I have a strong feeling a couple of them are still friends with her on FB and maybe even still have contact. It's a life of paranoia but it's getting better.
  11. Because it's twice in a year and a half (who knows how many more she had sent from the addresses I've blocked and never got). I don't think anyone could consider that harassment. She is off, definitely. I got to know her too well for the 2.5 years we dated. And when she showed up wasted in my building in July, two years ago, it confirmed it. Unfortunately she was banging on my neighbor's door that night and my neighbor didn't tell me until a month later - too late to file a report, according to the police. But I'm keeping all of this correspondence in case it gets ugly again in the coming months. Then I can build a case. My friend just told me "you must be a hell of a lay!"... Funny but at the same time not so funny.
  12. She has had a history of abuse (especially alcohol abuse) and violence, not to mention cheating. I just don't believe that has all changed or will ever change, especially at her age. None of her correspondence even mentioned the work she's done, because I know she's done no work. I've kept tabs (I check the county docket every few months) and know she's been sued three times this year, so her life is still full of drama. I know she wants to be "friends", and then try to slowly push me into another relationship. Suck me back in slowly. I don't buy the friendly image at all and I don't think I can ever trust her again. She's not going through it, either. She just wants control over me again and wants all I have to offer and this is a ploy. She's not getting what she wants and it's driving her crazy.
  13. While I already have two email addresses and it would be a pain to update everything, I considered that. If I change my address, I have to change it on my website so possible clients can reach me, and she will have access to it then. If the website responds to me and can block her I think I will be ok, then I can change my email. I know that's a lot of rambling but I did consider it. We will see if the site I'm on can block her.
  14. Why do you keep trying? I haven't responded in 3 years but you keep trying. I keep all that drama in my head and it hurts to relive it all but I know it'll hurt even more if I respond. Please leave me alone. You just don't want me to move on. I know that. You want to keep me in your sick little corner of your world. I don't trust your kind words at all. Leave me alone.
  15. My ex and I had a very rough breakup. Heck, a rough relationship. She was emotionally abusive and one time physically abusive and I left. I haven't responded to her since December 2015, but that didn't stop her from trying to contact me in various ways. When she physically entered my complex two years ago I went for a restraining order but they couldn't give me one as I reported it too late. The police warned her not to contact me but it's been so long that I don't think two emails in a year and a half would be grounds for a restraining order. I don't feel like going into the backstory again but earlier this month she emailed me from a new address asking to meet for coffee. I blocked that email address and didn't respond as usual. Tonight I was clearing out my spam and found that she messaged me two days ago saying how she hopes I'm happy and healthy. I have one of those free websites for my portfolio where you can't configure much so I can't block her from there. I just emailed the website asking if they can possibly block her from their end. In the meantime I kept the email in a stalking folder in case it goes further. 3 years and she still won't give up. It affects me a lot less than it used to but it still bugs me.
  16. And I got that eventually. The mom of ENA...you own the title!
  17. Ive been away for a year or so but came in to say Happy belated birthday. I've always valued your stern advice. Havemt always agreed but still valued nonetheless. You are one of my most remembered and valued posters during my time here.
  18. I have zero social media. Not to toot my own horn but it takes a lot of self control not to unleash your opinions on the world. Self control is good, no?
  19. Last week you contacted me from an unblocked email asking to meet for coffee...yeah right. You want to suck me back in to the toxicity. I deleted it and blocked that email too. Three years...heck, MORE than three years and you're still at it. I have been NC this entire time but you just don't get it. You can't control yourself and never could. You never could accept someone not liking you, but you messed with the wrong person this time. You gave me zero reason to believe anything changed. You were toxic and you know it. Hell, your family knew it. I still dream of your kids and sometimes you - that they're in college and asking me for advice. Those poor kids...those dreams used to ruin me for days but I woke up after you emailed me last week knowing I won. Next step is getting to the point where I don't care that I won. Indifference. Last night I dreamt of an incredible girl I've never met. I did the same two weeks ago. She wasn't you! Maybe she doesn't exist, but you are in my dreams less and less and it's amazing. I never thought I'd get to this point. I am in control and I know you hate it. I'm not at the point where I wish you the best because I still don't feel you deserve it after all you've put me and others through, but I AM at the point where I know I'm healing. You're in my thoughts always, but those are simply my thoughts. My actions are what define me and you are in no way in control of my actions. I no longer avoid routes that could intersect with yours on the way to work, for example. I don't even look for your car anymore. I'm still preparing myself for you to show up again but I feel very liberated knowing that you can no longer control me.
  20. Three years now since I left, almost. I was doing so well and yet in the last two weeks I've had more dreams of you and your kids than in the last year. It's been a struggle lately. Our city is having its fair this weekend. The last two years I avoided it but yesterday a road was closed so I had to take a detour past it. All the memories came rushing back of the last time I was there with you, your boys and our friends. I remember your one son biking there to meet us and having to fix his bike because the chain came off on the way. Your kids may have been as close as I ever get to having kids of my own and I miss that. I had to leave all of that life behind but it was still bittersweet. I know you have them still thinking I was garbage for cutting you all off and it still hurts. I almost want to drop by and say hi to our friends working there but it's in the past and I can't do anything to change that. I can't be friends with them because it would mean being around you and missing their birthday parties etc...none of them deserve a friend like that who comes only on condition that you're not around. I got an invite tonight to the casino for a coworker's 21st birthday but I turned it down. I hate that place now since the nightclub there is where I would take you to dance on Friday nights sometimes. We were terrible dancers and hated the "kids music" but dancing with you...it felt like no one else was around. Just us dorks dancing like fools. God I miss that...and I HATE dancing. But with you it was so much fun. I remember going to the Dells with you and your kids and leaving them to go to the local club. We paid to get in and danced like idiots among all the 20 somethings to maybe two songs we didn't know. Then we left. To this day I can't think of a single couple that had our chemistry...when you weren't wasted or high. I hope you never find that same chemistry again because I feel I never will. When we were on, we kicked some serious butt. Still moving forward. Still missing you and the life I had with your family and our friends. They're all yours now so I hope you treat them well. I hope you're over your addictions and everyone is happy. But I hope you all never forget me.
  21. Update: I've decided not to go. I spoke with some co-workers and family and they all agreed that I didn't seem like my heart was in it and that it's so long to drive alone and if I had a girlfriend or something it would make for a better trip. On top of that I just got a call back yesterday for a second interview at a job next week so I really should be here for that. And now I'm anxious about that... I've decided to still take some of my time off and drive somewhere not so far like Nashville. My friend is bummed but I told him that in the spring I will suck it up and fly out there.
  22. Yes that worries me. When I was younger I didn't think twice about that stuff but now I'm paranoid. I don't have anyone to go with. My best friend (and only real friend here aside from coworkers I hang out with) was the one who moved away, and my family hates road trips. I prefer to be alone anyway. That's not a bad idea, thanks Wiseman!
  23. Thank you, guys. I think I'll force myself to go and keep notes about how I feel along the trip so that when the next trip comes I can look at my notes and maybe it'll help.
  24. I think it's a mix of the dread of such a long drive and fear that I'm going to get in a bad accident and die. I keep picturing something happening to me like being robbed or kidnapped and things like that. And it's not even logical - I've never had anything bad happen on a trip. I'm spacing out the drive there and back over 10 days so it's not too taxing. I will have to look up some reading material on anxiety and overthinking.
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