His having reservation, please advice

[Halle Berry23]

Please advice, I believe I'm in a situationship with this fabulous man but the thing is, I'm a single mother and he doesn't have any, he likes me and expressed this multiple times but his also distant and he opened up and told me that the reason is because theres so much that comes with being in a relationship with me and the level of commitment therefore he has reservations about us... I have fallen for him but I emphasize with him

[Wiseman2]

38 minutes ago, Halle Berry23 said:

 he opened up and told me that the reason is because theres so much that comes with being in a relationship with me and the level of commitment therefore he has reservations about us...

How long have you been seeing each other? How old is he?  Unfortunately it seems like he's only comfortable with casual and doesn't want involvement as far as dating a single parent. All you can do is step back and decide if you're with the right man or in the right situation. 

[Batya33]

I do like his honesty. He has to decide whether you as a package deal - you and your child or children- are right for his future. Be happy he is open with you. It is a big deal. And he’s taking it seriously. 

[Andrina]

When a person isn't 100 percent confident in continuing on with you, plus he's emotionally regressing versus progressing, then you need to place a timeline on when to end things if he fails to go full-in with you.

Don't keep investing into something for too much longer when it's obvious you want longterm monogamy and he is wary about dating a woman with a child. How old are you two? Didn't he know his misgivings about dating someone with a child before he asked you out, or vice versa? Did you give him the impression you were okay with short term and now he sees you want more? 

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, Halle Berry23 said:

but the thing is, I'm a single mother and he doesn't have any

Lots of single men would be fine with the casual arrangement but will not be fine with the relationship when it comes to single moms. As it does complicates things quite a bit. Its on you whether you want to accept that kind of a treatment or move on. Since you developed feelings there and he didnt(as he doesnt really want to be with you), its for the best to not attach yourself anymore there and brake up.

[ShySoul]

Being in a relationship with a single mother does entail extra commitment. It's letting at least two people into your life instead of the usual one. There are added concerns and risks for all parties involved. So it's natural that someone may pause before deciding if they are ready for that.

But reservations aren't a guarantee in either direction. It simply means he is thinking it over. You can't make the decision for him, he will have to make it on his own. All you can do is continue the relationship you've started, trying to make it as enjoyable for both of you as you can. If he has concerns, talk it over. Let him know what you would expect or what he might be imagining. Has he actually spent time with the child? Try not to stress and let things develop at it's own pace. He may decide he's not ready for it. Or he might see the many wonderful joys having a child in your life can bring. Either way, that decision will come in time. For know, just enjoy what you have. And always remember, the child comes first.

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Being in a relationship with a single mother does entail extra commitment. It's letting at least two people into your life instead of the usual one. There are added concerns and risks for all parties involved. So it's natural that someone may pause before deciding if they are ready for that.

But reservations aren't a guarantee in either direction. It simply means he is thinking it over. You can't make the decision for him, he will have to make it on his own. All you can do is continue the relationship you've started, trying to make it as enjoyable for both of you as you can. If he has concerns, talk it over. Let him know what you would expect or what he might be imagining. Has he actually spent time with the child? Try not to stress and let things develop at it's own pace. He may decide he's not ready for it. Or he might see the many wonderful joys having a child in your life can bring. Either way, that decision will come in time. For know, just enjoy what you have. And always remember, the child comes first.

They're not in a relationship yet -she used the situationship euphemism so it sounds like it's a sexual arrangement not a dating/romantic relationship.

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

They're not in a relationship yet -she used the situationship euphemism so it sounds like it's a sexual arrangement not a dating/romantic relationship.

A situationship is still a kind relationship. Regardless of what stage they are at, what you want to call it, or how things started, same thinking applies. She has feelings that have grown into wanting more, while he remains unsure. His feelings are understandable as that is a big commitment to make. I'm not seeing anything that says he is completely against the idea, just that he has doubts. So if she wants to see if this could still work out, they need to take things as they come, working together through whatever fears or doubts he might have. There's no guarantee it will work, but it certainly won't if they don't give it a shot.

Halle, you know your relationship best. If you think it's worth fighting for, then fight for it. Enjoy the time you spend together. Try to calm whatever reservations he might have. But also recognize that he might not be ready for this and thats okay too. Things tend to work out for the best. If you end up with him or not, you'll be okay. And that wonderful child will still fill your life with love. So go with your heart and don't stress yourself out too much.

[MissCanuck]

12 hours ago, Halle Berry23 said:

his also distant and he opened up and told me that the reason is because theres so much that comes with being in a relationship with

Please understand that he probably won't become your boyfriend. 

He is right to be open with you if he is not sure he wants to be involved with a woman who has children. Now that you have this information, you can decide for yourself if you're content with something strictly casual, or if you want to move on and look for a man who is more suited to you. 

[Batya33]

To respond to Shysoul - A situationship from what she describe is a euphemistic way to describe two people relating sexually and not being in any commitment.  I also then have a relationship with my neighbor I talk to -if you're going to be that broad -her situation is not a stage at all - it's an arrangement where they relate sexually.  He's told her he doubts there is a potential to change their sexual arrangement (or relationship as you refer) to a potentially committed romantic relationship - I used relationship as short hand because the OP seems to get exactly what I would be referring to -and what she ultimately wants. 

I think "situationships" -or meeting up primarily for intercourse - is most often a really bad way to approach a desire for a romantic committed relationship.  There is no fight - no need to fight - a fight for sure if two people are committed or married and they both know there are issues so they "fight" to get back what they had and  to continue to grow together.  He doubts he wants to be committed to her in the first place.  She doesn't need to fight for the status quo -perhaps now that he's been so honest he''ll be comfortable with their sexual arrangement as he's not leading her on -but he'll come over and have sex with her -she won't need to fight for sex.

[Kwothe28]

8 hours ago, ShySoul said:

A situationship is still a kind relationship 

Depends on semantics. If they have a casual arrangement, they are not in a relationship. Meaning that they see each other from time to time but without obligations. They can see other people so there is no obligation toward one another. Relationship would mean at least some kind of obligation. Which we dont know if they have any. As far as we know, she has fallen for him while he just views it as a casual thing. 
I mean you maybe look at any kind of arrangement as a relationship. But again, that is why I said it’s semantics. 

[TeeDee]

His reservations seem like a good thing.  He knows & understands that you have kids so it's a package deal.  He's being thoughtful & deliberate about it because your kids are not to be trifled with. 

Ask him soft ball questions like how does he feel about kids in general; how he gets along with friends' kids or nieces & nephews.  Work up to what would make things easier for him. 

The first (& only) time I dated a man with a son I was terrified to meet the kid.  It was more nerve wracking then meeting somebody's parents.  Parents understand about break ups & the adult issues that accompany relationships.  Kids don't.  I didn't want to come into the kids like only to disappear.  At first it was hard for me to plan activities that included the son but then I got more used to that "family" time.  

Don't push this guy but don't settle for FWB if you want more.  If you settle, you are short changing yourself & your kids because the more time you waste with somebody who won't accept your kids, the less time you have to meet somebody who is a better fit for your whole family.  

[smackie9]

I suspect he's gonna be giving you the shove off soon because you are getting to emotionally attached and he knows this. I could be wrong but that's my impression of the situation. The kids thing might be him using it as an excuse/out. You want to clear things up, you should have a real honest conversation with him on your feelings, what you want going forward, etc. If you fear he will run away...that's a good thing...you will find out quicker how he feels, and that's he never intended to stick around in the first place...you would have done yourself a favor by approaching him about it. 

[catfeeder]

Nobody can answer for this man but himself. He's being straightforward with you, and there's nothing you can do to persuade him into wanting what he may not want. However, the good news is, if he does end up with you, it will be because he's thought it through, and you can credit his decision as being completely voluntary.

[rainbowsandroses]

Agree with @ShySoul and @catfeeder, he's experiencing "uncertainty" which under the circumstances is perfectly understandable and valid. 

It would be valid even if you weren't a single mother, entering into a committed relationship is big stuff regardless, not something to be taken lightly. 

IMO it doesn't mean a hill of beans whether it's a "situationship," casual dating or something in between casual and committed. 

What's important is to learn how to manage your emotions when experiencing uncertainty, whether it's you who's feeling uncertain or the person you're dating (in this case him).

I admire that he was forthright and honest.  He sounds like one if the "good guys." 

 

[boltnrun]

You can't fight for a relationship if the other person isn't on board. Or, you can try but it'll be an exercise in futility.

Ask him for clarification. Is he saying he doesn't want to continue, or is he just saying he's hesitant to continue because you have a child?  If he's hesitant ask him specifically what his concerns are. 

[ShySoul]

7 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

IMO it doesn't mean a hill of beans whether it's a "situationship," casual dating or something in between casual and committed. 

What's important is to learn how to manage your emotions when experiencing uncertainty, whether it's you who's feeling uncertain or the person you're dating (in this case him).

Exactly. You have a nice way of way of getting to the core of the issue rainbows. 😀

Whatever the relationship/situation/whatever it was before, things are clearly different now. She has deeper feelings. So the question is how they address it going forward. Personally, I think it's best to work together and tackle things head on as they come up. That's really the only way to handle any problem. Don't stress yourself or worry too much, that won't help anything. Do what you can to get through things together, but recognize that it takes both parties and that he simple might not be ready for the commitment. 

[SooSad33]

On 3/17/2024 at 3:23 PM, Halle Berry23 said:

I believe I'm in a situationship with this fabulous man but the thing is, I'm a single mother and he doesn't have any, he likes me and expressed this multiple times but his also distant and he opened up and told me that the reason is because theres so much that comes with being in a relationship with me and the level of commitment therefore he has reservations about us.

Halle Berry, YOU have yet to respond to all the above responses.  How do YOU see it?

IMO, I'd suggest you do not get involved with him then.  If he's already admitted uncertainties, then it is NOT worth getting emotionally invested in such person. I wish I did at one time, instead of wasting my mental & emotional energy on a guy like this for too long 😕 .

 

[Halle Berry23]

On 3/17/2024 at 10:04 PM, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been seeing each other? How old is he?  Unfortunately it seems like he's only comfortable with casual and doesn't want involvement as far as dating a single parent. All you can do is step back and decide if you're with the right man or in the right situation. 

I've known him for about 6 years and he was pursuing him. We later talked and agreed a relationship wouldn't work because he had to move oversees (this was 6 years go). We both got into relationships and I later fell pregnant and he knew about my pregnancy but that didn't stop him from still pursuing me.

Last year I decided to give him a chance, we didn't agree to a relationship. We've always liked each other, the chemistry is there...  but I feel like his half in and half out at times 

His 31 and I'm 30.

[Halle Berry23]

On 3/17/2024 at 10:27 PM, Andrina said:

When a person isn't 100 percent confident in continuing on with you, plus he's emotionally regressing versus progressing, then you need to place a timeline on when to end things if he fails to go full-in with you.

Don't keep investing into something for too much longer when it's obvious you want longterm monogamy and he is wary about dating a woman with a child. How old are you two? Didn't he know his misgivings about dating someone with a child before he asked you out, or vice versa? Did you give him the impression you were okay with short term and now he sees you want more? 

I'm 30 and his 31. 

 

That's the thing, he was pursuing me knowing that I have a child. Everything is still so new and initially when we met it was a casual thing which transitioned to us going on dates, holding hands, him randomly sending me flowers with beautiful notes. Telling me he can't wait to make me his girl.

 

Now if you think about, I feel like I was also being lead on only for him to later tell me he has reservations. And I absolutely understand, committing to a single parent can be a lot because my child will forever come first.

[Halle Berry23]

Hey, just to add on to my post. 

I'm 30 and his 31.

I've known him for 7 years, we spoke and called but never got in a relationship because he had to move oversees and we agreed it wouldn't work out. We shortly both got into relationships and I fell pregnant with my child. He never stopped pursing me even when he found out that I have a child.

Fast forward, we met last year and decided to have sex. And we started chatting again, more often. even went on dates but we never put a title to our relationship, I guess you could say we were savoring the moment. He randomly sends me flowers with sweet little notes.

He emphasize how "he doesn't just date, he wants to be fully into something and everything that comes with it" 

I understand his doubts, I empathize with him and I appreciate him letting me know.

To conclude, He expresses how he likes me and wants me. At some point he told me that I'm his type and he can't wait to make his girl. So that's why I'm so confused, because it's only been 5 months. 

[heyitsmeeeeee]

On 3/18/2024 at 3:23 AM, Halle Berry23 said:

Please advice, I believe I'm in a situationship with this fabulous man but the thing is, I'm a single mother and he doesn't have any, he likes me and expressed this multiple times but his also distant and he opened up and told me that the reason is because theres so much that comes with being in a relationship with me and the level of commitment therefore he has reservations about us... I have fallen for him but I emphasize with him

He's just casual and doesn't want a commitment. He's just giving you hopes but really no plans in pursuing you. Better slowly back off and move on. He's just playing it safe. At the back of his mind he's still thinking if he really can be a parent instantly. (from your past)

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Halle Berry23 said:

, He expresses how he likes me and wants me. At some point he told me that I'm his type and he can't wait to make his girl. So that's why I'm so confused, because it's only been 5 months. 

It's seems like he really cares about you but unfortunately doesn't want any sort of stepparent role. 

[Batya33]

When you were more casual and "didn't put a title to it' is that how you felt then -that it's just a title? Sounds like that feeling changed -you don't want a "title"  you want a genuine commitment or strong potential for one right? Maybe he figured you were cool with casual so he could play at being a couple with pretty flowers but you'd be cool since you were cool without a title?

I agree with Wiseman and I love how dedicated you are to your child.  

[Halle Berry23]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

When you were more casual and "didn't put a title to it' is that how you felt then -that it's just a title? Sounds like that feeling changed -you don't want a "title"  you want a genuine commitment or strong potential for one right? Maybe he figured you were cool with casual so he could play at being a couple with pretty flowers but you'd be cool since you were cool without a title?

I agree with Wiseman and I love how dedicated you are to your child.  

At first I agreed to it but now I would like to be in a committed relationship.

I appreciate that, thank you!