Dating a single mom

[boltnrun]

18 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Sooner or later her daughter will always be first in her life because she is a mother.  Remain realistic and she's still married.  Consider yourself forewarned.  Don't be surprised if she betrays your trust one day.  Beware and be prepared. 

Well, she has her daughter in daycare all day, then drops her off with her parents so she can have the OP over to spend the night. I can't say her child DOESN'T come first, but it seems like dating is her priority.

Yeah, I sound judgy. I am being judgy. I admit it. 

[Cherylyn]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Well, she has her daughter in daycare all day, then drops her off with her parents so she can have the OP over to spend the night. I can't say her child DOESN'T come first, but it seems like dating is her priority.

Yeah, I sound judgy. I am being judgy. I admit it. 

Give it time.  You're not a parent so you don't know until you become a parent and responsible for another life.  Eventually,  you will have lower status and in a mother's heart,  her child has the most coveted spot.  It's just the way it is.

She's still legally married.  Separated does not mean divorced. 

[waffle]

I'm a divorced mother and I've seen several basically sell their kids out in order to prioritize some guy that, as was mentioned, hasn't been in their life as long as most of the child's pairs of socks.  It happens.  Far more often than you would think.

[waffle]

But she's 5'1" so maybe that makes a difference.

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Give it time.  You're not a parent so you don't know until you become a parent and responsible for another life.  Eventually,  you will have lower status and in a mother's heart,  her child has the most coveted spot.  It's just the way it is.

She's still legally married.  Separated does not mean divorced. 

I am a parent. But I'm also not the OP 🙂

[Cherylyn]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

I am a parent. But I'm also not the OP 🙂

🙂

Eventually, the child or children will have a scheduling conflict with the dating world.  May not be today,  tomorrow or next week but eventually,  the date will have to acquiesce at some point in time. 

The woman is still legally married.  She is not divorced.  Just be prepared because betrayal of trust is a possibility and risk. 

[bluecastle]

11 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Just be prepared because betrayal of trust is a possibility and risk. 

This strikes me as harsh and unnecessarily cynical. I get that some might have a hard line—no dating until divorce papers are signed—but to equate dating while separated to a harbinger of betrayal feels like a stretch. 

All in all, I say just keep doing what you're doing, moving slowly, asking questions when needed. The reality of what is means to date and be in a relationship with someone with a child—less spontaneity, unexpected schedule shifts, etc.—will become apparent. In ways you are both exploring completely new ground, so just treat it as such. 

[itsallgrand]

I hope I get an answer to my question. 

Some rules we make are for good reason. Like if you don't want a child in your life, not dating single moms is common sense. So I'm wondering the why you have the rule of no single moms and why you are throwing it away now...is it because those reasons don't stand here or because you are giving her a pass due to the heat ? If it's a pass due to heat, you are asking for trouble.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, waffle said:

I wondered that too. 🤔

He wrote above that age gap plus height distance makes it unusual. I’m 5”2 and dated men that height. No biggie. Well yes biggie I guess. Thank goodness one had a sunken living room so we could kiss comfortably. 

[boltnrun]

My ex husband towered over me. I loved it. I almost exclusively was in relationships with tall men. Interestingly my worst relationships were with the shorter men (only 5'9"). Of course it absolutely had nothing to do with their shortness, it was just a funny coincidence. 

A big height differential does make certain activities challenging!

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

So I'm wondering the why you have the rule of no single moms and why you are throwing it away now.

I'm wondering too. I presume this woman is supremely hot appearance-wise. 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

while her daughter is going through so much upheaval in her life -to make time for someone she's known a shorter time than her pairs of socks.  I'd question her judgment and likely keep my distance.

Always being the advocate for children and pets who rely on adults for their well-being, I think it's more caring for a parent to concentrate solely on their children at this stage, getting their children used to the new dynamic of a new lifestyle. 

The child likely is already experiencing the feeling of abandonment, if the father has left the household, even if he stays up with custody visits. And then when dropped off with grandparents, even if they are loving, she/he might fear what next shoe might drop, and maybe Mom will take off to live elsewhere also. Especially when the child is 5 and can't reason as well as an older child. 

Mom distracted by a new man, even if the child never meets him, is the last thing the child needs right now.

I had a friend who divorced when her child was 3. When she'd put the child in the car seat and shut the door, she had to continuously knock on the side of the car while walking around the car until she got in the driver side for reassurance, because she thought her mother was going to abandon her as well.

My other opinion is that if you can't date at a normal pace, it's the wrong person to date. I think taking it either slow or moving too fast are both BS. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Anthony81J said:

Yes the divorce will be finalized next March, that is the question I’m trying to understand why a new relationship so soon after the separation.

That's for her to sort out and figure out. A lot of people date while separated because they're trying to "move on" and they miss sex and companionship.

As long as it's going well, take your time and enjoy. Try to focus on getting to know her and try to avoid getting too involved or staying at her place a lot.

[LotusBlack]

3 hours ago, bluecastle said:

This strikes me as harsh and unnecessarily cynical. I get that some might have a hard line—no dating until divorce papers are signed—but to equate dating while separated to a harbinger of betrayal feels like a stretch. 

All in all, I say just keep doing what you're doing, moving slowly, asking questions when needed. The reality of what is means to date and be in a relationship with someone with a child—less spontaneity, unexpected schedule shifts, etc.—will become apparent. In ways you are both exploring completely new ground, so just treat it as such. 

I agree. I think some of the commenters here have taken some points that were very brief and not detailed, then made quite severe judgements about what the woman’s intentions likely are, her integrity, and her judgement.

OP said he sees the woman once a week, so that means the rest of the week is very likely dedicated to her daughter and their life as a family of 2. And, it is likely very good for her daughter to spend time with the grandparents in a happy, loving, and nurturing environment. That she is there doesn’t automatically = neglect or a lack of care and consideration from the mother. The rest of the week, mum may be doing lots of special things with her daughter.

As far as dating while separated - it depends on the case. In Australia, you must be separated 12 months before you can file. I found out right after I got married that my husband didn’t love me, never had, and got married to solve a problem. We were married 3 years and pandemic prevented us from separating physically until I left for Australia. I have now been divorced 6 months and have been on 3 dates over the course of the last 8-9 months - 2 dates just prior to my divorce and 1 after. So, I don’t think it is fair to automatically judge someone based on a legal status or throw shade at their integrity as a parent based on the little information we have.

[Kwothe28]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I'm wondering too. I presume this woman is supremely hot appearance-wise. 

I would say this is the case but OP does also say they also "hitted off" properly.

Also, no offense to anyone, but single moms are not exactly "hot dating commodity". Reasons are fairly obvious but between job, kid and everything else in between, they dont really leave enough time for dating in the first place. Additionally, a man needs to be accepted not only by her but by a kid also. And would have to accept that she is a package deal and comes with a kid. Which would make already hard dating even harder. So lots of men just opt to not date them in a first place. At least not in a serious way.

So I cant really blame her for at least trying to date properly if she wants that. Even though kid is(probably also due to nature of her job) a lots of times at her parents. I can "blame" OP if he has a problems with kids and is dating a single mom. But since he never said he has a problems with kids but just wonders if she is ready to date seriosly so soon after separation, think he is fine with her having a kid. 

But again, think its too early to think about some seriosness in the first place. From what I gathered, they date for about a month, maybe less. 

[Anthony81J]

7 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Well, she has her daughter in daycare all day, then drops her off with her parents so she can have the OP over to spend the night. I can't say her child DOESN'T come first, but it seems like dating is her priority.

Yeah, I sound judgy. I am being judgy. I admit it. 

It’s not like that entirely I don’t know much about her childcare arrangements yet. But I know she said her parents are an excellent support system for them… that’s all 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Anthony81J said:

It’s not like that entirely I don’t know much about her childcare arrangements yet. But I know she said her parents are an excellent support system for them… that’s all 

And that's great. It's vitally important to have family support when going through anything that's traumatic. And the divorce is difficult for the child. 

That's why I'm glad you have not met the child yet. It's way too soon for that.

[dias]

11 hours ago, boltnrun said:

A big height differential does make certain activities challenging!

And some activities easier!

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, Anthony81J said:

It’s not like that entirely I don’t know much about her childcare arrangements yet. But I know she said her parents are an excellent support system for them… that’s all 

Yes that's fantastic for all of them.  Her child needs stability and to be with mom -and mom doesn't need "support" to go and date at this point and child only needs "support" from her grandparents because after not seeing mom for many hours while he's in daycare her mom leaves her with grandparents to go have fun.

I worked in daycares and taught young children for about 3 years and was licensed and educated in this (way before I was a mom) and obviously the moms especially single moms needed to work for a living and we all loved on the little ones and educated them and supported them and we were not replacements for the parents.

And when parents wanted to work for whatever reason rather than be home with a young child -no judgment here! - the child still came first so if there was a chaotic situation or instability parents often had to work with their employer and take a leave etc -they weren't rushing off to have fun.

In some cases of course grandparents have full custody -but at this point a 5 year old IMO in this chaos and drama should be with her mom as a priority over mom going on dates this often.

My sense is some either external or internal motivator will kick in and she'll put the child ahead of dating  you, or dating you as much and since you're not really interested in co-parenting if you two marry, etc then I'd bow out sooner rather than later.

[Lambert]

What does your heights have to do with it? 

never mind... found this see below😉

[Lambert]

21 hours ago, Anthony81J said:

The height mismatch and the 10 year age gap are just things that drew us together. 

sorry I missed this response.

If these are negative, how did they "draw you together"?

With the age and the mismatched level of emotional baggage (you're single, she is separated) this may not be basis for a long lasting relationship.

Take everything she says about her husband with a grain of salt.  she is upset and going through a lot. There is high potential for a rebound at your expense. 

 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Lambert said:

Take everything she says about her husband with a grain of salt.  she is upset and going through a lot. There is high potential for a rebound at your expense. 

 

Oh, I must have missed this - Is she still speaking much about her ex? If so, she doesn't seem 'over it', yet.

I've been in similar situation. The age gap, height etc.  Yeah, all is great for a while, but eventually you WILL see red flags and IF you can accept what is, etc. ( Of course, is always great in the beginning 😉 ).

But, by sounds of it, OP is okay with the arrangements and his company?

 

[waffle]

On 8/24/2023 at 12:43 AM, Anthony81J said:

we hit it off instantly, fireworks.

we been to each-others place I slept with her at hers.

this one really blew my socks off. 

In a separate post there is this:

On 8/24/2023 at 10:17 AM, Anthony81J said:

I am going to take it real slowly

These two posts are directly at odds with each other.

[waffle]

On 8/24/2023 at 10:24 AM, Anthony81J said:

The height mismatch and the 10 year age gap are just things that drew us together. 
 

On the other hand, this indicates that this is primarily (exclusively?) a physical relationship, unencumbered by actual compatibility markers such as shared values, respect for your partner, similar future goals, etc.  These flash fires generally burn out on their own.

[boltnrun]

Sounds great for a short term fling.

I don't know if you're the type to get extremely attached extremely quickly, but hopefully you're not.

[Anthony81J]

2 hours ago, waffle said:

On the other hand, this indicates that this is primarily (exclusively?) a physical relationship, unencumbered by actual compatibility markers such as shared values, respect for your partner, similar future goals, etc.  These flash fires generally burn out on their own.

That’s the thing we align in a lot of things