Dating a single mom

[Anthony81J]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Sounds great for a short term fling.

I don't know if you're the type to get extremely attached extremely quickly, but hopefully you're not.

Give it time I’m stepping back and enjoying this part of our relationship. No pressure 

[Anthony81J]

2 hours ago, waffle said:

In a separate post there is this:

These two posts are directly at odds with each other.

Why? That as far as we go, hangout, have fun and hookup until divorce is finalized nothing is being committed long term 

[Anthony81J]

8 hours ago, Lambert said:

sorry I missed this response.

If these are negative, how did they "draw you together"?

With the age and the mismatched level of emotional baggage (you're single, she is separated) this may not be basis for a long lasting relationship.

Take everything she says about her husband with a grain of salt.  she is upset and going through a lot. There is high potential for a rebound at your expense. 

 

She seems emotionally healed and over her abusive marriage and her daughter took it well too. They were seemed happy together but she found me and we are enjoying the moment together 

[itsallgrand]

14 minutes ago, Anthony81J said:

She seems emotionally healed and over her abusive marriage and her daughter took it well too. They were seemed happy together but she found me and we are enjoying the moment together 

Abuse? 

[Anthony81J]

41 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Abuse? 

Very poor treatment of her husband and she had enough, she knew she can do better and get wat she deserves.

[NighttimeNightmare]

You are the distraction, and the age gap is likely part of the “excitement” for her that makes for some short term fun: Different than what she’d otherwise engage in, because it’s not meant to last and she knows this  

 

the age gap isn’t even that extreme, but it’s notable because you felt it worthy of mentioning it and remarking about how it “brought the two of you together” 

[NighttimeNightmare]

35 minutes ago, Anthony81J said:

Very poor treatment of her husband and she had enough, she knew she can do better and get wat she deserves.

Ya I don’t trust people who come in hot and heavy with this narrative 

if she was being abused, which I believe she probably was, then it’s way too early for her to jump into a new relationship. Abuse is trauma-causing and often times the victim has a history of abusive dynamics dating back into their childhood, which primed them for abuse in adulthood 

the fact she’s not dealing with any of that and is jumping right into another’s arms shows, at the least, a lack of proper judgement which makes sense that she didn’t vet the last guy correctly either. 
 

im convinced you’re a rebound/distraction/etc etc. 

[Capricorn3]

20 minutes ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Ya I don’t trust people who come in hot and heavy with this narrative 

if she was being abused,  then it’s way too early for her to jump into a new relationship.

the fact she’s not dealing with any of that and is jumping right into another’s arms shows, at the least, a lack of proper judgement which makes sense that she didn’t vet the last guy correctly either. 
im convinced you’re a rebound/distraction/etc etc. 

^ I second ALL of this.

[boltnrun]

So she endured 12 years of abuse, separated five months ago and she's already mentally and emotionally healthy enough to date? 

Oh boy...

[itsallgrand]

2 hours ago, Anthony81J said:

Very poor treatment of her husband and she had enough, she knew she can do better and get wat she deserves.

Be careful. That's all I'll say. Use condoms and all that jazz...that's what I'd tell a friend in your position. Because I think you know this isn't your most clear headed but you are gonna go for it anyways.

[Anthony81J]

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

Be careful. That's all I'll say. Use condoms and all that jazz...that's what I'd tell a friend in your position. Because I think you know this isn't your most clear headed but you are gonna go for it anyways.

I been snipped I’m not worried about a STI either. 

[Anthony81J]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

So she endured 12 years of abuse, separated five months ago and she's already mentally and emotionally healthy enough to date? 

Oh boy...

That’s I’m trying to figure out I don’t know much else  the marriage was done 5 years ago so I’m not sure wat to make of it all 

[Anthony81J]

3 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Ya I don’t trust people who come in hot and heavy with this narrative 

if she was being abused, which I believe she probably was, then it’s way too early for her to jump into a new relationship. Abuse is trauma-causing and often times the victim has a history of abusive dynamics dating back into their childhood, which primed them for abuse in adulthood 

the fact she’s not dealing with any of that and is jumping right into another’s arms shows, at the least, a lack of proper judgement which makes sense that she didn’t vet the last guy correctly either. 
 

im convinced you’re a rebound/distraction/etc etc. 

I’m just dating and having fun nothing is getting serious until I know her better and her divorce is finalized. Until then it’s a boyfriend/girlfriend situation that’s it for now see what happens down the road 

[boltnrun]

2 minutes ago, Anthony81J said:

the marriage was done 5 years ago

You said "recently separated" in your OP.  Is she recently separated, or has she been divorced for 5 years?

[boltnrun]

On 8/23/2023 at 9:43 PM, Anthony81J said:

married 12 years, recently separated 

 

[Anthony81J]

Just now, boltnrun said:

You said "recently separated" in your OP.  Is she recently separated, or has she been divorced for 5 years?

Seperated I’m March 2023 but marriage was over way (5 years) before 

 

I really don’t know wat to make of her 

[Anthony81J]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

 

Marriage had failed 5 years prior to separation 

[boltnrun]

So she has been living apart from her former husband for five years? Has she had her own place or has she been living with her parents?

[Anthony81J]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So she has been living apart from her former husband for five years? Has she had her own place or has she been living with her parents?

Still not clear on a lot 

It’s gonna take dates and time to really find out ways going on and if I’m a quick rebound replacement or not .

 

she’s crazy about me it’s wild 

I feel I need to step back and just casually date her for awhile like a year 

I like her lotsa good qualities I look for 

[boltnrun]

So you don't know if she left her husband five years ago and just recently got the divorce, or if she was living with her husband until March of this year?

That's a big difference.

[Anthony81J]

Just now, boltnrun said:

So you don't know if she left her husband five years ago and just recently got the divorce, or if she was living with her husband until March of this year?

That's a big difference.

No no was with husband and gave him chances alcohol he was involved in the marriage so they had a bad 5 years and both knew it was over then they separated 

[Lambert]

17 hours ago, Anthony81J said:

She seems emotionally healed and over her abusive marriage and her daughter took it well too. They were seemed happy together but she found me and we are enjoying the moment together 

If you are ok with everything and taking it slow, why are you posting here/ questioning things?  

I have definitely been a rebound.  Looking back, I did see flags.  I was caught up in whirlwind.  I ignored the flags, my gut, the warnings my own feelings of insecurity the relationship was giving me.  

Then when he just snapped.  It was like turning the light on at 2 am.  He was not as healed.  He was not as over things as he thought.  He was a real mess.  I don't think he is bad guy.  I don't think he was manipulative or using me.  His ex was horrible to him, too.  He wanted to be healed from it.  He wanted to move on, be with me and be happy.  He just couldn't.  

The reality is more often than not, humans cannot see clearly when going through these things.  The very best thing you can do is-- end it.  But again, we can't think clearly in these things.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  So keep dating other people.  Don't put all your effort into this.  

 

[catfeeder]

None of us have a crystal ball that can predict the future. There are typical scenarios that happen, and nobody's surprised about this except for the people involved. For instance, nobody here is surprised whenever a couple of high school sweethearts split up in their early 20s because one feels stunted and has outgrown the relationship, but this doesn't mean that every young couple who society might regard as prematurely paired will break up in their 20s, or even at all.

So same is true of rebounding. First, a rebounder is unlikely to know or even care that they are a rebounder. They leapfrog from one relationship to another without ever stabilizing solo, and so they superimpose their relationship 'mode' onto the next relationship, and this feels wonderful for all involved. Typically, one day, weeks or months or maybe even years later, the rebounder gives their partner a lovely speech about what a terrific person they are, "...but I really should have taken some time to be single and find myself, and so that's what I need to go do now."

Is this true of every rebounder? No. Is it typical? Yes.

So you get to choose your own odds. Chances are, you're both so jazzed with your connection that it doesn't matter what anyone says. Because another thing that's also typical is that finger-wagging falls on deaf ears.

Nobody else is living your love life FOR you, so nobody else gets a vote. Good luck!

[smackie9]

Every relationship is a crap shoot. There are no guarantees. She could feel she’s ok about it right now and a month or so later not so much. No one can be sure their feelings will grow or stay. It always a risk no matter the situation. 

[Anthony81J]

On 8/26/2023 at 9:19 AM, Lambert said:

If you are ok with everything and taking it slow, why are you posting here/ questioning things?  

I have definitely been a rebound.  Looking back, I did see flags.  I was caught up in whirlwind.  I ignored the flags, my gut, the warnings my own feelings of insecurity the relationship was giving me.  

Then when he just snapped.  It was like turning the light on at 2 am.  He was not as healed.  He was not as over things as he thought.  He was a real mess.  I don't think he is bad guy.  I don't think he was manipulative or using me.  His ex was horrible to him, too.  He wanted to be healed from it.  He wanted to move on, be with me and be happy.  He just couldn't.  

The reality is more often than not, humans cannot see clearly when going through these things.  The very best thing you can do is-- end it.  But again, we can't think clearly in these things.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  So keep dating other people.  Don't put all your effort into this.  

 

What are the red flags you missed would you say?