Dating a single mom

[Spawn]

you got involved knowing she is married and not divorced, so why didn't you go for singles?

its more to do with sex here not much of love.

[Anthony81J]

2 hours ago, Spawn said:

you got involved knowing she is married and not divorced, so why didn't you go for singles?

its more to do with sex here not much of love.

Wait, what? 

[LotusBlack]

3 hours ago, Spawn said:

you got involved knowing she is married and not divorced, so why didn't you go for singles?

its more to do with sex here not much of love.

She is separated and living with her daughter apart from her ex and is in the process of pursuing a divorce, I believe.

OP and the woman are currently just dating and he’s posting here asking advice on whether it may be too soon for the woman and if he should hold back from investing too much at this time given the circumstances.

[boltnrun]

38 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

She is separated and living with her daughter apart from her ex and is in the process of pursuing a divorce, I believe.

OP and the woman are currently just dating and he’s posting here asking advice on whether it may be too soon for the woman and if he should hold back from investing too much at this time given the circumstances.

He said she separated from her husband earlier this year (in March) and he doesn't know if she's filed for divorce. So technically she's still married. I don't know what country they're in so not sure if she is required to live separately for a year before she's allowed to file for divorce.

[Lambert]

6 hours ago, Anthony81J said:

What are the red flags you missed would you say? 

It's hard to say.  Some red flags like abuse, lying, etc are right in your face. I think I knew he was emotionally unavailable and I just kept pushing it away. 

That feeling that the relationships is off.  That's the thing.  If you know it's off,  its off.

 That's why I asked if everything is really OK and you're fine with it, why are you posting about it?  That's probably the red flag. 

When you're cool and things are good, it's pretty easy.   But if you can't trust yourself and your own judgment, then that's you telling you something.

[LotusBlack]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He said she separated from her husband earlier this year (in March) and he doesn't know if she's filed for divorce. So technically she's still married. I don't know what country they're in so not sure if she is required to live separately for a year before she's allowed to file for divorce.

I couldn’t remember if OP said she had filed or hadn’t filed as yet. My wording was a bit odd with my adding “process” rather than just “pursuing”, which - when considering my own situation - allowed for her not having done so yet but with the intention to pursue a divorce.

In my own situation, my ex-husband told me he never considered me his wife from the moment we got married and it was a bit of meaningless paper because the love and intention to be a married couple was not there and never had been for his part. So, when we separated and I moved to Australia, I had to wait 12 months before I could file, but in the interim I gathered all the documents I would need and laid the foundation for the divorce for when the time came that I could file. So, although the divorce process had not actually begun, I considered myself in the process of pursuing a divorce rather than pursuing one in actuality at that time. I also considered myself single because there was no option for a reconciliation, we were living internationally from each other, and my then-husband had made it clear I was nothing but a horrible mark tarnishing his life and never his wife in spirit or commitment.

The situation of the woman OP writes about is surely very different to mine, but her circumstances might be such that the context of her marriage has been rendered or reduced to represent little in value or authenticity, such as mine was, and her potential divorce may just be waiting on formalities. If her and her ex consider themselves single (if indeed they do) despite the legal marriage withstanding, then I think I cannot be one to argue that point.

[boltnrun]

He said she had been trying to make the marriage work (even though she was being abused) then at some point she decided the marriage was over. It's not clear to me why she waited five years after deciding the marriage was over to separate. 

[Anthony81J]

15 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He said she separated from her husband earlier this year (in March) and he doesn't know if she's filed for divorce. So technically she's still married. I don't know what country they're in so not sure if she is required to live separately for a year before she's allowed to file for divorce.

Correct 1 year 

[Anthony81J]

14 hours ago, Lambert said:

It's hard to say.  Some red flags like abuse, lying, etc are right in your face. I think I knew he was emotionally unavailable and I just kept pushing it away. 

That feeling that the relationships is off.  That's the thing.  If you know it's off,  its off.

 That's why I asked if everything is really OK and you're fine with it, why are you posting about it?  That's probably the red flag. 

When you're cool and things are good, it's pretty easy.   But if you can't trust yourself and your own judgment, then that's you telling you something.

Just uncharted territory, it feels very right still, I’m giving this the time to settle the initial excitement emotions down in a years time I’ll reassess.

[Anthony81J]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He said she had been trying to make the marriage work (even though she was being abused) then at some point she decided the marriage was over. It's not clear to me why she waited five years after deciding the marriage was over to separate. 

She tried and tried to save the marriage but it was all for nothing her husband was not interested and she knew she can be happier. Slowly the her marriage died 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Anthony81J said:

She tried and tried to save the marriage but it was all for nothing her husband was not interested and she knew she can be happier. Slowly the her marriage died 

So was she abused? Or was her husband disinterested?

You said she had been abused. Did he hit her? Verbally abuse her? 

I'm confused about why she would try to work things out with an abuser. 

[bluecastle]

1 hour ago, Anthony81J said:

Just uncharted territory, it feels very right still, I’m giving this the time to settle the initial excitement emotions down in a years time I’ll reassess.

Totally understandable. She's got a marriage in the rear view mirror and a child—terrain you haven't encountered before. 

All in all, I hope that you guys aren't discussing her marriage in the same way it's being discussed on this thread, as that would be a bit eye-brow raising. No need for you to be a sounding board for that, though I get the feeling that's more a narrative being constructed in this thread than in your time together. 

Anyhow, sounds to me like a pretty common story: she was in something that wasn't working and opted out after all options were exhausted and the emotions required for, and sought from, a relationship had dissolved to nothing. If she's "hiding" a trove of red-hot unprocessed feelings you'll know that sooner than later, though at this stage there's no need to jump to assumptions.

As another asked: What was it about her/this that made you change your policy of not dating a single mom? Or was it less about her than you getting older and realizing that's going to be a more common possibility in your age range?  

[boltnrun]

I believe there's a pretty vast difference between a woman who slowly realized she and her spouse just weren't compatible and a woman who was in a marriage that involved abuse perpetrated by an alcohol-fueled individual. The first situation might involve some degree of regret and sadness (which I felt after ending my marriage that involved two basically decent people who just didn't belong together) while the second would almost universally require at the very least a recovery period and some time to process. 

I would be concerned about a woman who is only a few months out of an abusive marriage and is trying to jumpstart a new connection.

That's why I asked for some clarification. Was she in fact abused by an alcoholic spouse? Or  was it a case of just not being able to deal any longer with someone who is an addict but wasn't abusive? 

[itsallgrand]

4 hours ago, Anthony81J said:

Just uncharted territory, it feels very right still, I’m giving this the time to settle the initial excitement emotions down in a years time I’ll reassess.

Are you looking for something long term or is that not too important to you? 

 

[Anthony81J]

23 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Are you looking for something long term or is that not too important to you? 

 

Long term the connection is unmistakable 

we feel the same but I’m putting time between us like see her every 2 weeks get together so I’m really observing her and her feelings of the marriage. Time will tell 

 

[itsallgrand]

1 minute ago, Anthony81J said:

Long term the connection is unmistakable 

we feel the same but I’m putting time between us like see her every 2 weeks get together so I’m really observing her and her feelings of the marriage. Time will tell 

 

I see.

So you are now ok with having a child potentially in your life in a serious way? 

[Anthony81J]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I believe there's a pretty vast difference between a woman who slowly realized she and her spouse just weren't compatible and a woman who was in a marriage that involved abuse perpetrated by an alcohol-fueled individual. The first situation might involve some degree of regret and sadness (which I felt after ending my marriage that involved two basically decent people who just didn't belong together) while the second would almost universally require at the very least a recovery period and some time to process. 

I would be concerned about a woman who is only a few months out of an abusive marriage and is trying to jumpstart a new connection.

That's why I asked for some clarification. Was she in fact abused by an alcoholic spouse? Or  was it a case of just not being able to deal any longer with someone who is an addict but wasn't abusive? 

Smoker alcoholic husband who really didn’t care about his baby daughter she did all the heavy lifting taking care of her and still never appreciated or valued with verbal smart remarks wore her down from her douche bag husband sounds like a real goof

 

she also put the down payment on their home and lost alot it seems but bought a new condo which I love 

 

she’s got her *** together more than me I dealing with MS which ravaged my finances but I’m in a muuuch better place  since 2017 her marriage she was done with for years. 
she doesn’t bad mouth her ex or talk trash never brings it up unless I ask about it. Looks like she is well established and emotionally healed.

 

however I’m just dating like every 2 weeks, until her divorce is finalized then I’ll see 

[Anthony81J]

3 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

I see.

So you are now ok with having a child potentially in your life in a serious way? 

I am CF and she doesn’t expect any fatherly duties and I ain’t gonna play daddy, *** that 
 

just make a good friend and watch a little girl grow up. And maybe get serious but that’s too far in the future 

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Anthony81J said:

she bought a new condo which I love.

How long has she lived in the condo? Do you spend time at her place and yours equally? 

If she has her visitation/custody figured out as well as childcare and help from friends and family, take it one day at a time, just like you're doing.

There's no point fretting over the divorce if it's set for next March. Not much you can personally do about that. Of course it depends on the jurisdiction, but many places require a year of separation, especially if they don't want an expensive contested divorce. Especially complicated by children and division of assets. 

She would not have a court date for the divorce and live in a separate residence if she were not intending to follow through. 

[Anthony81J]

21 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

She is separated and living with her daughter apart from her ex and is in the process of pursuing a divorce, I believe.

OP and the woman are currently just dating and he’s posting here asking advice on whether it may be too soon for the woman and if he should hold back from investing too much at this time given the circumstances.

Well thank you, exactly why I’m posting to get feedback it’s helpful 

[Anthony81J]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long has she lived in the condo? Do you spend time at her place and yours equally? 

If she has her visitation/custody figured out as well as childcare and help from friends and family, take it one day at a time, just like you're doing.

There's no point fretting over the divorce if it's set for next March. Not much you can personally do about that. Of course it depends on the jurisdiction, but many places require a year of separation, especially if they don't want an expensive contested divorce. Especially complicated by children and division of assets. 

She would not have a court date for the divorce and live in a separate residence if she were not intending to follow through. 

She has custody of her daughter all weekdays and every other weekends 

she pays child care but now after school care and her parents are a really big help she says. She moved wen separated into her mothers but settled down in a condo of her own. 
 

all green flag after flag 

in Canada 1 year separation the can file for divorce. Perfect to date every two weeks and maybe a few weekends for a year taking super slow that’s my play everything seems to be lining up in a really exciting way 

[LootieTootie]

how much do you guys talk or see each other in between those dates that happen every 2 weeks?

 

[boltnrun]

So she wasn't abused. You said she had been abused. But from what you wrote today he was just your run of the mill lazy bum who drank too much.

Gotta be careful throwing the word "abuse" around because people will take it seriously.

I'm glad she has improved her life and her child's life. But for you to say you basically think being involved in any way other than as a "friend" with her daughter is "***", well, that's a bit concerning. This woman is a package deal.and her child will ALWAYS come first. As she should. You OK with that? Running the child around after school and on weekends to sports and clubs, attending her school programs and performances? Having her be there when you go on trips together? All of that sounds good to you?

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So she wasn't abused. You said she had been abused. But from what you wrote today he was just your run of the mill lazy bum who drank too much.

Gotta be careful throwing the word "abuse" around because people will take it seriously.

I'm glad she has improved her life and her child's life. But for you to say you basically think being involved in any way other than as a "friend" with her daughter is "***", well, that's a bit concerning. This woman is a package deal.and her child will ALWAYS come first. As she should. You OK with that? Running the child around after school and on weekends to sports and clubs, attending her school programs and performances? Having her be there when you go on trips together? All of that sounds good to you?

I agree totally about the OP's attitude already about the child -very concerning.

[Anthony81J]

1 hour ago, LootieTootie said:

how much do you guys talk or see each other in between those dates that happen every 2 weeks?

 

We only be seeing each other for almost a month, saw her 5 times. We been to each others homes I slept over twice now her once. We text a little every other day. But ya in person dates get planned and I pick her up and we hang out and talk more