Dating a single mom

[Anthony81J]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

So she wasn't abused. You said she had been abused. But from what you wrote today he was just your run of the mill lazy bum who drank too much.

Gotta be careful throwing the word "abuse" around because people will take it seriously.

I'm glad she has improved her life and her child's life. But for you to say you basically think being involved in any way other than as a "friend" with her daughter is "***", well, that's a bit concerning. This woman is a package deal.and her child will ALWAYS come first. As she should. You OK with that? Running the child around after school and on weekends to sports and clubs, attending her school programs and performances? Having her be there when you go on trips together? All of that sounds good to you?

Yes of course I do have some idea wat dating a single mom is all about but it works for me with her.  I embrace the fact I’m not her no.1 priority wen it comes down to It but she has a great attitude that she makes the time for both, I do step back cause her daughter in number 1, I get that but also look at the positives for me and growth personally to help her mom and create a positive loving environment for everyone. I’ve totally changed my view on dating a single mom cause every situation is different and having her parents as a solid support system is big. 

 

[Batya33]

Just now, Anthony81J said:

Yes of course I do have some idea wat dating a single mom is all about but it works for me with her.  I embrace the fact I’m not her no.1 priority wen it comes down to It but she has a great attitude that she makes the time for both, I do step back cause her daughter in number 1, I get that but also look at the positives for me and growth personally to help her mom and create a positive loving environment for everyone. I’ve totally changed my view on dating a single mom cause every situation is different and having her parents as a solid support system is big. 

 

But you don’t see yourself being an involved step parent to a child- right ?

[Anthony81J]

5 hours ago, bluecastle said:

Totally understandable. She's got a marriage in the rear view mirror and a child—terrain you haven't encountered before. 

All in all, I hope that you guys aren't discussing her marriage in the same way it's being discussed on this thread, as that would be a bit eye-brow raising. No need for you to be a sounding board for that, though I get the feeling that's more a narrative being constructed in this thread than in your time together. 

Anyhow, sounds to me like a pretty common story: she was in something that wasn't working and opted out after all options were exhausted and the emotions required for, and sought from, a relationship had dissolved to nothing. If she's "hiding" a trove of red-hot unprocessed feelings you'll know that sooner than later, though at this stage there's no need to jump to assumptions.

As another asked: What was it about her/this that made you change your policy of not dating a single mom? Or was it less about her than you getting older and realizing that's going to be a more common possibility in your age range?  

I don’t understand.

our connection I can’t pass it it’s pretty notable to me and her. We are very similar in alot but not in all 
I take heed of that and flows naturally 

it’s very new and exciting territory for me 

[Anthony81J]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree totally about the OP's attitude already about the child -very concerning.

Wat why? It’s established I’m not there to father her daughter she has a father for that but I can be a positive supportive to her mother and to what’s most important to her (daughter) Kinda works for me. 
I stay in my lane. The dad is the father I’m in no way going to cut his grass 

[Anthony81J]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But you don’t see yourself being an involved step parent to a child- right ?

Well I’ll be involved yes, just not a dad 

[itsallgrand]

5 hours ago, Anthony81J said:

I am CF and she doesn’t expect any fatherly duties and I ain’t gonna play daddy, *** that 
 

just make a good friend and watch a little girl grow up. And maybe get serious but that’s too far in the future 

I think you know if you do ever get serious there will be more to it than watching a child grow up. Your time, your money, your life will become entwined with the child. It's impossible for it not to. Alone time will revolve around when it can arranged around her daughter, meals in the house to accommodate a child, trips around child and school, money that would otherwise be used elsewhere used to support child, medical emergencies and emotional crisis big and small where your plans may be put on stop for child, kids friends in the house, and it doesn't stop even when kid is of age.. loans to kid, grand babies to sit, it goes on.

These aren't bad things necessarily but if you think you will be able to sit it all out and not be wrapped in it, that wouldn't be realistic. 

[boltnrun]

Seeing this woman once every two weeks is not at all like living day to day with a young child. It's not going to be all fun and sexy sleepovers. 

Please do not meet the child unless and until you are fairly certain you will be fine with having a child in your life every day. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Anthony81J said:

 I can be a positive supportive to her mother I stay in my lane. The dad is the father 

She wants to see you, you like each other, you're taking it slow and having a good time.  You should absolutely stay in your lane because as you mentioned her child has a father and he has rights. As the new BF, all of that is none of your concern. She each other as long as it's mutually desired. She's a grown woman and any decisions about her child are for her and the father and have nothing to do with you, especially at this point. 

[Jibralta]

On 8/24/2023 at 12:43 AM, Anthony81J said:

anyone care to share some advice?

I just have general advice. This is moving very fast, you're going against your own rules, she's right out of a divorce. I don't see a lot of potential for clear thinking. I think you should put the brakes on. She'll either get it and go along, or she won't. If she doesn't want to slow down, you'll have your answer.

[Anthony81J]

28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Seeing this woman once every two weeks is not at all like living day to day with a young child. It's not going to be all fun and sexy sleepovers. 

Please do not meet the child unless and until you are fairly certain you will be fine with having a child in your life every day. 

I embrace it and everything it entails 

I’m not worried about that really too much tbh

opportunity to grow as a man and a person I see the positives 

[Anthony81J]

23 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

I just have general advice. This is moving very fast, you're going against your own rules, she's right out of a divorce. I don't see a lot of potential for clear thinking. I think you should put the brakes on. She'll either get it and go along, or she won't. If she doesn't want to slow down, you'll have your answer.

She already slowed down with me we communicated it out we’re on the same page about that until a year or more we will see where we are. 

we agreed to just date wen we can and introduce me to her daughter wen we are both comfortable.

date for a year and just enjoy our connection im not thinking too far ahead here 

I’ll meet the child wen I meet the child and I’m sure we will get along really good.

 

staying positive here not many major concerns the more we see eachother the more I learn 

give it a solid year of dates 

[LotusBlack]

5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I agree totally about the OP's attitude already about the child -very concerning.

I second Batya and boltnrun’s concerns regarding how you spoke of her child. Alarming language.

[Anthony81J]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Seeing this woman once every two weeks is not at all like living day to day with a young child. It's not going to be all fun and sexy sleepovers. 

Please do not meet the child unless and until you are fairly certain you will be fine with having a child in your life every day. 

I have nobody I put lotsa work into myself since I got MS in 2017  and I know I’m sacrificing a Childfree life but I’m not going to shy away from it. But again I’m just dating time will only tell 

[Anthony81J]

1 hour ago, LotusBlack said:

I second Batya and boltnrun’s concerns regarding how you spoke of her child. Alarming language.

Wat are you going on about? How is any of it alarming settle down 

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Anthony81J said:

Wat are you going on about? How is any of it alarming settle down 

It is alarming in how dismissive you are of the influence and impact a partner and parental figure can have on a young child. At this moment, you are right to have no interaction with the daughter and nor should you unless and until you become a serious couple with the mother. However, as you have stated that your vision is the long-aim and have even planned/allowed for at least the next year, it is important to factor in an inevitable relationship and responsibility for the daughter (to some extent) if you hope this relationship culminates in cohabiting with the mother and daughter pair. That does not mean you will replace the father or become primary carer at all (or even actively involved in the parental decisions), but you will become a family unless you intend to permanently maintain separate households. So, yeah, your dismissiveness and crude way of referring to the situation is alarming because it highlights a lack of maturity in your thinking and a lack of awareness of a parent and child package.

Normally, being so early in the relationship, this topic might be premature, but you have stated you see potential for a long-term partnership, so you must consider long-term potential aspects of what could become your family.

I’m also not at all unsettled; I’m a stranger on the internet answering your post as an unbiased third party. I have no dog in the race to be unsettled about, but as the single mother of a toddler, I can genuinely say that if the person I was seeing spoke of a potential dynamic with my child the way you did, I’d be concerned.🤷‍♀️

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Anthony81J said:

I embrace it and everything it entails 

I’m not worried about that really too much tbh

opportunity to grow as a man and a person I see the positives 

I don't think you use another adult to grow as a man and a person- yes you can grow together as a couple in a connecting way -but you come first as a fully grown person and man.  Obviously we all should aspire to and act on growing as a person but not as a result of being in an adult romantic relationship and looking to that person as an "opportunity".

As far as the child being a positive support to mom is great.  And only one part if you are going to live in the home as a spouse or committed person to the mom of a child.  If you are not also going to get involved in the daily (hourly?) care and feeding of the child and working within the child's routine and schedule then please do step aside. 

Also your whole idealistic "positive support to the mom" is going to wane if you're this disconnected from the child - so when the child is sick and the mom is covered in her bodily fluids let's say you're going to say "oh uh well I'll support you but -nope -not gonna give Angel her medication or sit in her room and comfort her so you can take a 10 minute shower - or "I'll support you but I'm not going to drive her to school this week while she vents about her friend group so you can get to the airport on time"

It's different as an outsider.  I've definitely supported my women friends when they were going through stuff with their kids - but not the kids because I was an outsider and the best help I could give was to help the mom -real life example -friend in car accident -cracked ribs - still needed to nurse one of her 4 young kids.  So I sat in the room with her and distracted her with fun conversation, etc so that she could nurse through the pain - I couldn't help the child or even interact with the baby but I was a positive support. 

That's fine for friends. Not ok for moving in with a woman with a child -you're not Dad but if you're not going to take on Dad-like responsibilities including boots on the ground then move those boots elsewhere. IMO.

[Anthony81J]

6 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

It is alarming in how dismissive you are of the influence and impact a partner and parental figure can have on a young child. At this moment, you are right to have no interaction with the daughter and nor should you unless and until you become a serious couple with the mother. However, as you have stated that your vision is the long-aim and have even planned/allowed for at least the next year, it is important to factor in an inevitable relationship and responsibility for the daughter (to some extent) if you hope this relationship culminates in cohabiting with the mother and daughter pair. That does not mean you will replace the father or become primary carer at all (or even actively involved in the parental decisions), but you will become a family unless you intend to permanently maintain separate households. So, yeah, your dismissiveness and crude way of referring to the situation is alarming because it highlights a lack of maturity in your thinking and a lack of awareness of a parent and child package.

Normally, being so early in the relationship, this topic might be premature, but you have stated you see potential for a long-term partnership, so you must consider long-term potential aspects of what could become your family.

I’m also not at all unsettled; I’m a stranger on the internet answering your post as an unbiased third party. I have no dog in the race to be unsettled about, but as the single mother of a toddler, I can genuinely say that if the person I was seeing spoke of a potential dynamic with my child the way you did, I’d be concerned.🤷‍♀️

 

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think you use another adult to grow as a man and a person- yes you can grow together as a couple in a connecting way -but you come first as a fully grown person and man.  Obviously we all should aspire to and act on growing as a person but not as a result of being in an adult romantic relationship and looking to that person as an "opportunity".

As far as the child being a positive support to mom is great.  And only one part if you are going to live in the home as a spouse or committed person to the mom of a child.  If you are not also going to get involved in the daily (hourly?) care and feeding of the child and working within the child's routine and schedule then please do step aside. 

Also your whole idealistic "positive support to the mom" is going to wane if you're this disconnected from the child - so when the child is sick and the mom is covered in her bodily fluids let's say you're going to say "oh uh well I'll support you but -nope -not gonna give Angel her medication or sit in her room and comfort her so you can take a 10 minute shower - or "I'll support you but I'm not going to drive her to school this week while she vents about her friend group so you can get to the airport on time"

It's different as an outsider.  I've definitely supported my women friends when they were going through stuff with their kids - but not the kids because I was an outsider and the best help I could give was to help the mom -real life example -friend in car accident -cracked ribs - still needed to nurse one of her 4 young kids.  So I sat in the room with her and distracted her with fun conversation, etc so that she could nurse through the pain - I couldn't help the child or even interact with the baby but I was a positive support. 

That's fine for friends. Not ok for moving in with a woman with a child -you're not Dad but if you're not going to take on Dad-like responsibilities including boots on the ground then move those boots elsewhere. IMO.

I get it, I am not worried and look fwd to it 

none of it really concerns me 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Anthony81J said:

 

I get it, I am not worried and look fwd to it 

none of it really concerns me 

It doesn’t have to. You’re not a parent. Soon enough it surely will concern her so perhaps tell her now you don’t want to have any parent type responsibilities if you two eventually marry or live together as a committed couple. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Anthony81J said:

I get it, I am not worried and look fwd to it 

18 hours ago, Anthony81J said:

I ain’t gonna play daddy, *** that 

If the statement above is true then why did you make the other statement?

Do you understand what it means to be involved with a woman who has a child? You will have to do "daddy"-like things. You'll have to take the child to school and go to their activities and fix them meals. You can't just sit back and tell the mom "nah, *** that, I ain't doing any of that." Or you could, but then don't expect the relationship to last.

But as long as she understands this is just a short term, fun fling and is fine with it there should be no issue. 

[Anthony81J]

25 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

If the statement above is true then why did you make the other statement?

Do you understand what it means to be involved with a woman who has a child? You will have to do "daddy"-like things. You'll have to take the child to school and go to their activities and fix them meals. You can't just sit back and tell the mom "nah, *** that, I ain't doing any of that." Or you could, but then don't expect the relationship to last.

But as long as she understands this is just a short term, fun fling and is fine with it there should be no issue. 

I’m not looking too far into that she already said her daughter had a father and she doesn’t expect me to take on that responsibility. Just be a kind positive role model and keeping her mom happy and supported emotionally is all I am looking to do. 
 

who know where it will lead. 

[Spawn]

On 8/28/2023 at 4:59 AM, LotusBlack said:

She is separated and living with her daughter apart from her ex and is in the process of pursuing a divorce, I believe.

OP and the woman are currently just dating and he’s posting here asking advice on whether it may be too soon for the woman and if he should hold back from investing too much at this time given the circumstances.

exactly how can you advice until she comes out of the marriage first, the person dating the married or separated woman is in a vulnerable situation, basically she can just close this and move on to somebody else. There is trust deficit in this situation for sustainable relationship, a future can be discussed when both are single and dating without any baggage.

[LotusBlack]

1 hour ago, Spawn said:

exactly how can you advice until she comes out of the marriage first, the person dating the married or separated woman is in a vulnerable situation, basically she can just close this and move on to somebody else. There is trust deficit in this situation for sustainable relationship, a future can be discussed when both are single and dating without any baggage.

Having a piece of paper that states one is divorced doesn’t automatically make one less emotionally vulnerable, or vice verse. It depends on each individual and how they feel. My brother was separated from his wife for years before they officially divorced because his ex couldn’t afford her half of the process for a while. He was separated about 3 years with little to no contact with his ex when he met his now fiancé. They were together about a year when he was finally able to get the divorce finalised.

I think it really depends on the individual and their specific circumstances, and how they particularly feel. Some people, like myself, had to wait 18 months after ending a relationship before pursuing a divorce legally due to formalities and circumstance; the piece of paper changed nothing for me emotionally once I had it.