My wife doesn't want to work and I don't know what to do

[anon12349876]

@itsallgrand @Cherylyn Yeah, I'm not going to coax her into getting a job. If she doesn't want to get one then that's her prerogative, but I can't continue to work both jobs as much as I am now. I just told her I am feeling depressed, burnt out, and mentally exhausted from doing both of them and she basically just said that if I'm even depressed then changing how much you work isn't going to fix that.

[boltnrun]

It's not just the work. It's your entire situation. 

[Starlight925]

So you don't want a divorce, but you know you can't live like this.

We don't have a magic wand here, I'm sorry to say.

You have to make a decision:

1) Stay with her in the present situation, knowing this is who she is.  She'll sleep in, book vacations only to see her family, and only clean a little.

OR:

2) Get a divorce and start the process of a new life, and seek what you want.

Other than those two options, it's all just chatter.

[anon12349876]

@Starlight925 Yeah, I'm realizing that now and it's just hard. 

[anon12349876]

@boltnrun Can you elaborate on that if you don't mind?

[LootieTootie]

2 minutes ago, anon12349876 said:

@Starlight925 Yeah, I'm realizing that now and it's just hard. 

One step at a time... talk to a divorce attorney.

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, anon12349876 said:

@boltnrun Can you elaborate on that if you don't mind?

Elaborate on what?

[lostandhurt]

So you fell in love with who you thought she was but after the wedding got a totally different version.  Happens a lot so don't feel bad.

 You could almost sue her for fraud.

 I think you know this marriage is over; actually it was never a marriage more like an arrangement but she has shown you zero respect or consideration.

 My question is why are you still there?  Is she super hot?  Way out of your league?  The best you think you can do?  What???

 You got scammed so just be happy you have no assets or children and for goodness sake don't get her pregnant!

Lost

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, anon12349876 said:

Yeah, I'm not going to coax her into getting a job. If she doesn't want to get one then that's her prerogative, but I can't continue to work both jobs as much as I am now. I just told her I am feeling depressed, burnt out, and mentally exhausted from doing both of them and she basically just said that if I'm even depressed then changing how much you work isn't going to fix that.

 

Seriously?  She speaks to you this way, while she sits on her butt?

She is NOT contributing in this relationship much at all.. instead expects YOU to do it all. 😕 And then when you speak up about your 'burning out', she doesn't seem to care at all!? Wow.

Nope, I wouldn't tolerate this sort of thing any longer.  She is showing you how she really is.  Ignorant to YOUR needs and selfish!

I'd put it straight.. Heck, even if she were to pick up a p/t job - to pick up the slack so that YOU can at least be able to rest and not have to work as much and yeah, enjoy your life a little more w/out this much stress - between her selfishness, laziness and your 2 jobs.

So, why don't you speak up?  What's stopping you?  I'd call this a deal breaker.  She is not incompetent, right?  She doesn't have a disability etc.  Then she can look at getting a p/t job at least to 'work with you', in this relationship.

But, it's up to you in the end.  You're complaining, yet you're the one falling apart 😕 .  And won't put her in her place.  Then, good luck.

 

 

[Tinydance]

I don't think your wife is going to change. Just the fact that she's only 35 and she said: "I've done all I've wanted to do so now I don't have to work." First of all, she's probably not even halfway through her life. Secondly, she hasn't actually done anything!! She didn't finish her university degree or have a career. She also hasn't worked for a few years. 

I actually also dated someone who didn't want to do anything in life but I ended it after about 1.5 years. Your wife sounds very lazy overall. I mean, cooking one meal three times a week is really not a big effort considering she does nothing with herself.

She also sounds selfish because she keeps going on holidays to visit her family and won't visit your family. But YOU'RE earning the money.

Also I think what she's saying is rubbish because there are actually casual jobs where you can easily get time off. Often if you're employed casually in retail or hospitality, you can easily get time off if you give some prior notice. There are also some work from home jobs where she could still work if she went to visit her family.

[MissCanuck]

You're way beyond the point of coaxing her to get a job. That isn't going to change anything. 

At this point, decide if you want in or out of this marriage at it stands. 

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

at least to 'work with you', in this relationship.

and here you go in 3 words

 You are not a husband, you are a servant.

Time to realize you made a mistake and correct it.

Lost

[Batya33]

16 hours ago, anon12349876 said:

@itsallgrand @Cherylyn Yeah, I'm not going to coax her into getting a job. If she doesn't want to get one then that's her prerogative, but I can't continue to work both jobs as much as I am now. I just told her I am feeling depressed, burnt out, and mentally exhausted from doing both of them and she basically just said that if I'm even depressed then changing how much you work isn't going to fix that.

No it is not her perogative not to pull her weight.  Marriage is a partnership including financially.  Tell her if she works she can hire a cleaning service twice a month and do take out meals or ready to cook meals more often etc. 

[Volio]

Reading through this thread, I sympathize with your situation but also find it intolerable. The fact she doesn’t work and has no kids is wild. Some people are okay with spouses who sit at home and do nothing without kids, but they need to at least be good companions. She doesn’t sound like a good companion, and you clearly don’t want a stay-at-home, childless spouse.

You don’t have kids and don’t own anything except your car. You’re pretty unencumbered. If I were you, I’d quit that second job tomorrow for your own health. She can then decide whether she wants to downsize her lifestyle with you or get a job to maintain it.

And I don’t want to tell you to outright leave her as others are, but it would be pretty easy for you to do. There must be better partners out there.

[Batya33]

13 minutes ago, Volio said:

Reading through this thread, I sympathize with your situation but also find it intolerable. The fact she doesn’t work and has no kids is wild. Some people are okay with spouses who sit at home and do nothing without kids, but they need to at least be good companions. She doesn’t sound like a good companion, and you clearly don’t want a stay-at-home, childless spouse.

You don’t have kids and don’t own anything except your car. You’re pretty unencumbered. If I were you, I’d quit that second job tomorrow for your own health. She can then decide whether she wants to downsize her lifestyle with you or get a job to maintain it.

And I don’t want to tell you to outright leave her as others are, but it would be pretty easy for you to do. There must be better partners out there.

I think if both people want only one spouse to work that’s fine. Being a good companion is a given in marriage and to me working often makes you an even better companion for a number of reasons.  I have a friend who doesn’t work. She was home with their daughter full time - so she worked in that way - but when her daughter was a young teen she was diagnosed with a medical condition and had a few surgeries since. She is stable but doesn’t trust her balance when walking outside alone. Her husband is fine with her not working. He worked full time for a really good salary and they have savings etc. she does take care of all home related stuff. Renovations and cleaning and does the appointment making etc. Point is they both feel comfortable with her. It working at this point. 

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think if both people want only one spouse to work that’s fine. Being a good companion is a given in marriage and to me working often makes you an even better companion for a number of reasons.  I have a friend who doesn’t work. She was home with their daughter full time - so she worked in that way - but when her daughter was a young teen she was diagnosed with a medical condition and had a few surgeries since. She is stable but doesn’t trust her balance when walking outside alone. Her husband is fine with her not working. He worked full time for a really good salary and they have savings etc. she does take care of all home related stuff. Renovations and cleaning and does the appointment making etc. Point is they both feel comfortable with her. It working at this point. 

That is the thing . It has to be agreed upon and people have to participate in some way. Now she has medical issues that is different . 

[waffle]

So you want her to work in order to boost your attraction to her?  Am I reading this right?

OP, you sound very charming with your "if you don't work you're going to have to do 90% of the housework" orders. but you know what?  She's right.  She's not your maid and you are not her master.  And it's not up to you to punish her for not doing what you want.

Frankly I'd love to hear her side of it.  We're all sitting here calling her lazy and assume she's sitting on her ass because her abusive husband claims she is. Something tells me she's doing more than she's getting credit for.

[Seraphim]

55 minutes ago, waffle said:

So you want her to work in order to boost your attraction to her?  Am I reading this right?

OP, you sound very charming with your "if you don't work you're going to have to do 90% of the housework" orders. but you know what?  She's right.  She's not your maid and you are not her master.  And it's not up to you to punish her for not doing what you want.

Frankly I'd love to hear her side of it.  We're all sitting here calling her lazy and assume she's sitting on her ass because her abusive husband claims she is. Something tells me she's doing more than she's getting credit for.

Entirely possible , unfortunately we never get both sides . Truth is always somewhere in the middle . 

[tattoobunnie]

 

On 8/16/2023 at 3:07 PM, anon12349876 said:

@MissCanuck Yes, we both have, me quite a bit more than her. We have both thrown things, but never at each other. More so out of frustration.

Her yelling and throwing is reactive from you yelling and throwing.  What you are doing is abuse.  Abusers always say "we both do it" to avoid accountability...I would suggest counseling for yourself, and work through your own issues.