Volio

Reading through this thread, I sympathize with your situation but also find it intolerable. The fact she doesn’t work and has no kids is wild. Some people are okay with spouses who sit at home and do nothing without kids, but they need to at least be good companions. She doesn’t sound like a good companion, and you clearly don’t want a stay-at-home, childless spouse. You don’t have kids and don’t own anything except your car. You’re pretty unencumbered. If I were you, I’d quit that second job tomorrow for your own health. She can then decide whether she wants to downsize her lifestyle with you or get a job to maintain it. And I don’t want to tell you to outright leave her as others are, but it would be pretty easy for you to do. There must be better partners out there.

Maybe I can offer some insight from a husband’s perspective. My wife gets on my case and is “triggered” (as she has stated) by many things about me. Some of it is behavioral, as you described, but a lot of what my wife complains about it is physical or immutable characteristics about me (how I breathe, body hair, etc.). She can also be impatient with me when she has to repeat herself, just like what your husband does. When you love someone, you tolerate some level of nagging, because one or two complaints aren’t a big deal. However, over time, these things aggregate and really wear on a person. It’s good that you recognize when you or your husband get triggered by the other. I think it’s important to recognize each time you do it and not to let each annoyance turn into disgust or resentment. For a lot of triggers, the person who is triggered can be the intolerant or unreasonable one. For others, a behavior or trait is legitimately annoying or negative and does warrant a reaction. I think you should evaluate which triggers are your problem and which are his. My wife recognizes when a number of her triggers are her issues and not issues with me (i.e. I’m not doing something wrong by breathing) and we’re working on this in counseling. Personally, I would get annoyed at a partner on her phone too much too, and I’ve certainly been guilty of it in the past. But it’s better to ask your partner amicably to put the phone away for a bit and explain your reasoning instead of snapping. That will only breed more resentment for both of you. Good luck. I certainly understand your situation and also your husband’s, being on the receiving end of these triggers.

I’m in a similar situation with my wife, but we have a young toddler, which is likely the root cause of my wife’s decreased libido. One thing we’ve found recently is, while my wife isn’t ever in the mood, once we start, she gets in the mood pretty easily. The hurdle is getting past that initial agreement to get sexual and her opening up enough to allow me to arouse her. How old are you both? If you’re in your 20s or early 30s and childless, sex shouldn’t be a chore (it shouldn’t be a chore for any age with a good relationship, really). But I’d have far less tolerance to remain in a relationship where the sex was lacking if we weren’t married and had no kids. You should be with someone who can’t wait to have her way with you, and vice versa, especially when you’re young.

You need to prioritize your son (especially given he’s autistic) and yourself above all else. I understand you loved this woman and this hurts. However, it sounds like you both are and will continue to be on good terms, which is good for your child. You’ve sacrificed a lot for this woman, being so willing to let her pursue her interests with other women. You need to do the same for yourself and find a way to move on. I think you’re being hard on yourself about being an outcast. You belong with someone else other than this woman, and I think she would agree. It’s good that there’s no bad blood or urgency to leave your situation. But, I think you need start planning a separate life from her step by step while working out a way to raise your son together. I can’t imagine what complexities come with a separation when having an autistic child, so I wish you the best in finding a way to work that out. It will undoubtedly require a creative solution and a lot of work from both of you. Regardless, you deserve a woman who is completely interested in you. Take what time you need to work out a plan for the children and yourself, but always be open to finding someone new. And as another poster said, please don’t let her take advantage of you. She needs to prioritize the children above her own love life as well and can’t be dropping responsibilities with the kids on you while she goes off with her new girlfriend. You also need to show some backbone and not give her all she wants out of you while she pursues her interest in someone else. Be amicable and a friend, but don’t sacrifice anything more.

Sorry you’re going through this. I don’t think anything you want is unreasonable. For what it’s worth, I have similar feelings of loneliness and distance with my wife, except I’m out all day, and when I get home, she’s not interested in being around me. You can physically be around someone but still be lonely. I’m guessing your husband is burnt out from living with you mom so long and is taking advantage of the independence. I would let him have it while also expressing your interest in being closer to him. Don’t antagonize him or be snippy like you described that one time. That’ll just reinforce his desire to go out on his own. He should be willing to listen to your needs if you’re direct and civil with them. Maybe you could suggest doing things he’s interested in without being too insistent. I have certain activities that I like doing on my own, but I have other activities I would be happy to do with my wife if she was interested, and I would be flattered if she suggested these things. As others said, I’d also find something you’re really into without him. Good luck. I hope you can reconnect and close the distance between you.