My wife doesn't want to work and I don't know what to do

[anon12349876]

@bluecastle I'd have to say that for me it's convenience, not wanting to start over, and hope that the relationship will improve. We have had a counselor in the past for a short period of time, but nothing really productive came from it and the counselor didn't even really understand why we got married or were staying together in the first place after like 4-5 1 hour long sessions. I recently asked for us to go to a marriage counselor, and she basically said what's the point because of how it went last time.

She has no savings, no investments, nothing. We have no savings together either aside from the 5k in my 401k, and we actually have a quite a fair amount of debt including student loans, credit cards, affirms and other similar "Buy now pay later" platforms. We need work done on our car and have needed it for months, but we never have money for it. 

We are planning on moving to another state where it is cheaper next year, and I wanted to get a $98 bike while we were still where we are now (and not take it with us when we move), to which we "didn't have the money", but then the same day we went to a store and she spent $100 on a halloween decoration.

@Batya33 She has done volunteer work in the past related to her previously desired career field, and no we didn't discuss expectations around work before we got married. I honestly didn't think we needed to, because it seemed like she had desires and goals and aspirations for her career, and was wanting to pursue those.

@smackie9 If we were to get a divorce, I'd have no problem voluntarily giving spousal support for 12-18 months as I would never put anyone out on the street with nothing. We've only been married for a few years, so, in reality, the maximum time length I'd be required to pay court mandated spousal support would be about 18 months.

 

[anon12349876]

@itsallgrand for me, as long as she either:

• had a desire, passion, aspiration, etc she was pursuing
• went back to college to finish her degree
• got a job
• cleaned/maintained the entire house on her own

Then, I'd be okay with it. But she doesn't want to do any of those things.

[itsallgrand]

1 minute ago, anon12349876 said:

@itsallgrand for me, as long as she either:

• had a desire, passion, aspiration, etc she was pursuing
• went back to college to finish her degree
• got a job
• cleaned/maintained the entire house on her own

Then, I'd be okay with it. But she doesn't want to do any of those things.

Why do you want so little though?

My SO and I don't have kids either. We both work. Both have ambitions. Both clean the house. Both cook. We can enjoy a lot because of this. I don't see the point of working ones butt off to carry someone who is healthy and able...why cripple your life like that? 

[Seraphim]

So basically you are both together for convenience. That isn’t marriage. I would call it a day. She is an adult she needs to stand on her own two feet. 

[anon12349876]

@itsallgrand That's exactly what I want. I want a marriage with both of us working, both of us helping, both of us cooking, both of us having goals. And it doesn't really feel like that right now. 

[anon12349876]

@Seraphim  I agree, but I just have conflicted feelings about getting a divorce. 

[boltnrun]

You want those things. She doesn't.

You (or a counselor) can't make her want what she doesn't want. 

Not wanting to have to start over is a poor reason to stay married to the wrong person.

I got divorced over 20 years ago. I felt FREE.

[Seraphim]

Just now, anon12349876 said:

@Seraphim  I agree, but I just have conflicted feelings about getting a divorce. 

Why? This isn’t working so why continue in the misery for both of you? She can go home and they can deal with her lack of motivation or the prospect of being homeless, might motivate her to get off her rear end. But it’s over at this point and I don’t see the point in the misery because it doesn’t seem much is going to change on either end.

[anon12349876]

@boltnrun I think about my life if we got a divorce almost daily which I know isn't normal for a marriage, and I do think I'd be happier for the most part. 

[boltnrun]

Just now, anon12349876 said:

@boltnrun I think about my life if we got a divorce almost daily which I know isn't normal for a marriage, and I do think I'd be happier for the most part. 

I was nervous (to say the least!) about getting divorced. But then I realized, neither me nor my husband were terrible people. So why should we be sentenced to a lifetime with someone who makes us unhappy? Why not be free to pursue life the way we choose? He wasn't delighted that I was divorcing him but I was making him miserable and I knew it, and so did he. He's better off not having to come home to someone who causes him unhappiness.

Are you such a terrible person that you must serve a life sentence of being married to someone who isn't right for you?

[itsallgrand]

8 minutes ago, anon12349876 said:

@itsallgrand That's exactly what I want. I want a marriage with both of us working, both of us helping, both of us cooking, both of us having goals. And it doesn't really feel like that right now. 

Like I mentioned, I believe these are traits that are either deeply held values for someone or they aren't. I'd be totally embarrassed if I were her! She has no pride?! No desire for service, contribution that is self determined.

You can't change that in someone. So you have a choice.

Not wanting kids, you don't have to worry about time constraints on that front. You can be divorced and dating and finding your match, getting ahead in life instead of scrapping by in debt, using your free time in ways that make you happy, no fights or resentment. 

[Seraphim]

And not having kids makes this a very clean break. 

[Kwothe28]

36 minutes ago, anon12349876 said:

But she doesn't want to do any of those things.

Yes, because she knows you wont do anything about it. Its that simple. She is fine with mooching on you because she lives generally comfortable with minimum work. She just has to make dinner couple of times a week and clean a bit. Meanwhile you work 2 jobs so she could sit on her as all day and mooch on you for everything. While ordering you around where to go and what to buy. Why should she change? She has a sweet deal as it is as far as her is concerned.

Financially speaking, you would be far better on your own. Because you wouldnt have somebody who would drag you along. Heck you could even hire a cleaning lady once in a while and it would still be more financially viable then to have somebody who just burns your money away while doing nothing. I mean, we cant just measure a marriage on finances alone. But as far as financial aspect goes, you would be fine on your own. Her? Not so much. And she knows that. And if you would put your foot on the ground, she would have to change her tune. Otherwise she would be left with nothing. But sadly, you wont do that. So enjoy mooching wife while you slave away so she could have for make up.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

So basically you are both together for convenience. That isn’t marriage. I would call it a day. She is an adult she needs to stand on her own two feet. 

I agree. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, anon12349876 said:

My wife and I have been married for a few years now, and she has stated that she doesn't want to go back to work or have a job.

How long were you dating before you got married? How long have you been married? How long has she been unemployed? What did she do prior to being a housewife? 

Sadly it doesn't seem like her going back to work will fix things if the relationship has turned abusive. 

You seem to be annoyed about the money but then deny it saying you only want her to have a goal or cleaner house and you'll be fine.

How are your relationships with extended family? You seem contemptuous about that as well. 

How is the intimacy? Are you still attracted to each other? You don't seem to want to go divorce but you want her to be someone else or at least who you married.

Is her refusal to work retaliation for the abuse or is the abuse retaliation for her refusal to work? 

 

[Andrina]

What are you? Like around 25 years old and you don't want to start over? You probably have 60 or more years left on the planet. Why live in frustration with someone you regularly clash with--a person who doesn't care you're exhausted and how she's played a bait and switch with you? Doesn't act like a team player with you--not making decisions together for the best interest of the both of you. She doesn't even truly love you, since she said she'd be gone in a heartbeat if it weren't for your salary, but you find all of this less stressful than starting over and have the chance to find someone you can be actually happy with?

With some distance from all of this, perhaps you'll be more clear-headed and shake your head at why you stayed a day longer after ending the ineffective marriage counseling.  

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, anon12349876 said:

@smackie9 If we were to get a divorce, I'd have no problem voluntarily giving spousal support for 12-18 months as I would never put anyone out on the street with nothing. We've only been married for a few years, so, in reality, the maximum time length I'd be required to pay court mandated spousal support would be about 18 months.

 

Sounds good....a divorce and 18 months of support will be a savings for you in the long run. 

[anon12349876]

@Wiseman2 We were together for about 4 years before we got married, and we have been married almost 3 years. She has been unemployed for about 2 years minimum. My relationship with her extended family is okay, but hers with mine is piss poor for the most part. 

The only thing we really "own" that we got while married or dating is our car, which is in my name only because she has no income and would not qualify for the loan, so it would probably be a really easy split financially speaking. 

 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

She's not a child. 

What would she do if she didn't have a husband to mooch off of? 

Some people just feel entitled to not work for a living. Sadly lots of ways to do that that's still socially acceptable. 

And the state of their relationship is irrelevant to it. Either you believe in contributing as a value or you don't. She obviously sees it as optional.

 

I never said she was a child.  I was merely suggesting words of encouragement so she'll want to work and contribute monetarily to the household.  She shouldn't feel pressured to go find work.  There is a way to be positive instead of forcing her to work.  She will want to work if it gets her out of the house and the boon is meeting new friends this way as well.  Also,  perhaps she needs to start out slowly if she's been out of the workforce for a while or lacks education and experience.  She can work her way up gradually.   There is a way to coax her towards employment instead of fighting about it. 

[Cherylyn]

3 hours ago, Seraphim said:

And not having kids makes this a very clean break. 

I agree.  There are far less complications without kids in the picture.  If you decide to divorce,  it's much easier without kids,  child support,  visitations,  time commitments,  legal agreements and the complexities of it all. 

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, anon12349876 said:

@Cherylyn I've tried bringing up places like Hobby Lobby for her to work at since she really enjoys that store, but she doesn't want to work retail at all. I've tried bringing up remote work, but she doesn't want to do that either.

Since you don't have kids with her,  why remain in an unhappy marriage?  Not having kids,  is a simpler dynamic with less complicated consequences should you decide to divorce. 

Either accept her as she is or do something about it.  She refuses to change for you.  You can't force her to attain gainful employment.  She won't do it.  Therefore,  you can make changes and it's your choice whether you remain in matrimony or not. 

[Capricorn3]

4 hours ago, anon12349876 said:

 If we were to get a divorce, I'd have no problem voluntarily giving spousal support for 12-18 months as I would never put anyone out on the street with nothing.

No need to put her out on the street with nothing.  Send her back to mommy and daddy and family - she seems to always want to visit them anyway.

OP, she is a lazy moocher and you are being taken for a ride.  You need a reality check.  Don't throw your life away by being so unhappy.  I mean, this is still early days.  Can you really put up with this for the next 20, 30 years??  Whatever you do, make sure NOT to bring children into this farce of a marriage.

[itsallgrand]

39 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

I never said she was a child.  I was merely suggesting words of encouragement so she'll want to work and contribute monetarily to the household.  She shouldn't feel pressured to go find work.  There is a way to be positive instead of forcing her to work.  She will want to work if it gets her out of the house and the boon is meeting new friends this way as well.  Also,  perhaps she needs to start out slowly if she's been out of the workforce for a while or lacks education and experience.  She can work her way up gradually.   There is a way to coax her towards employment instead of fighting about it. 

She should feel pressure to work. They are floating up to their eyeballs in debts and repairs needed to be made. He's working full time plus another job. She's planning vacations with her family and "doesn't want" to work. She even tried to make him feel bad for wanting some time in his days for himself. That's super harsh, super selfish imo. A child it's expected they may need coaxing to understand when and why they need to do things they don't want to, but she's grown, that's what I mean. It's not his job , she should be just doing it. 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, anon12349876 said:

@Wiseman2   so it would probably be a really easy split financially speaking. 

In that case privately and confidentiality consult an attorney for information support and advice about your options in the event of divorce.  It may be better to cut your losses sooner rather than later. Your relationship is already toxic and abusive so hanging on makes little sense at this point. 

[Cherylyn]

2 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

She should feel pressure to work. They are floating up to their eyeballs in debts and repairs needed to be made. He's working full time plus another job. She's planning vacations with her family and "doesn't want" to work. She even tried to make him feel bad for wanting some time in his days for himself. That's super harsh, super selfish imo. A child it's expected they may need coaxing to understand when and why they need to do things they don't want to, but she's grown, that's what I mean. It's not his job , she should be just doing it. 

 

Feeling pressured to work will lead to endless arguments.  Two people will be unhappy in this marriage.  Since there are no kids,  it's easier to dissolve a marriage filled with fights.  She's grown and she does not want to work.  She will always argue about this.  Therefore,  the husband will eventually grow tired of fighting.  Two people shouldn't be stuck together in unhappy matrimony.  Without kids,  it's easier to dissolve and exit the marriage.  Without kids,  divorce is less legally messy should he decide to end the marriage and / or if she can't and won't resolve this resistance of hers.  It's time to be realistic.  No sense hanging onto a marriage with constant fighting over this.