How do I stop being jealous of other men?

[Kaleb285]

I often watch pornography videos where women have sex with tatted-up badboys, or young ***bois, and it makes me incredibly depressed and demoralised. I've started watching it as a humiliation ritual now, more than anything. How on earth am I ever meant to compete with men like this? I know people will say that it's just porn and not real life, but there's no point pretending women aren't aroused by men like this. And I'm not saying they shouldn't be either. I'm simply wondering where this leaves me?

It's completely put me off trying to meet new women, because I know deep down that I cannot compare to these men.

[Wiseman2]

12 minutes ago, Kaleb285 said:

 I've started watching it as a humiliation ritual now, more than anything. 

How old are you? Have you ever been in a relationship or had sex? Are other things troubling you in life?

Unfortunately you seem to be getting lost in porn addiction. 

The best thing you could do is get relief from your stress and anxiety is more productive ways.

In fact watching this porn is increasing your stress, anxiety isolation and despair.

Talk to a qualified therapist about things in your life and how to deal with stress, anxiety, sexuality, dating and self image in healthier more productive ways.

[Kaleb285]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old are you? Have you ever been in a relationship or had sex? Are other things troubling you in life?

I'm 32 years old. Never had a girlfriend or been in a relationship, but I have slept with escorts.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Kaleb285 said:

there's no point pretending women aren't aroused by men like this

That's a serious over generalization about female sexuality. We like all kinds of different men. Try not to lump all women together about what arouses us. 

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Talk to a qualified therapist about things in your life and how to deal with stress, anxiety, sexuality, dating and self image in healthier more productive ways.

This is my suggestion, too. Your current issues goes beyond being jealous of the men you see in porn. 

[Seraphim]

Never been attracted to either . 🤷🏻‍♀️Assumptions coupled with an over generalization are never correct. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Kaleb285 said:

I often watch pornography videos where women have sex with tatted-up badboys, or young ***bois, and it makes me incredibly depressed and demoralised. I've started watching it as a humiliation ritual now, more than anything. How on earth am I ever meant to compete with men like this? I know people will say that it's just porn and not real life, but there's no point pretending women aren't aroused by men like this. And I'm not saying they shouldn't be either. I'm simply wondering where this leaves me?

It's completely put me off trying to meet new women, because I know deep down that I cannot compare to these men.

You don't even know if these men are straight. I think it leaves you with potentially seeking help from a therapist where you can find ways to be more grounded, centered, with a more balanced perspective on people and treating people as individuals.

[1a1a]

Pretty sure nothing in porn is there for the female gaze. 

[redswim30]

I highly recommend speaking to a licensed therapist. 

In the meantime, here's my two- 

Men in porn aren't regular men.  They are chosen for their visual appeal, they are performers.  This is akin to women comparing themselves to strippers.  

Please don't lump all women together.  I have never found big muscly men or tattooed men attractive, I'm attracted to intellectuals and I'm not alone in that.  Different people like different things.  You can drive yourself crazy if you focus on all you aren't. 

Focus on what you are.  Perhaps you've been inadvertently looking for shallow women or perhaps even had unrealistic expectations of your own?  IDK.   

Let me tell you as someone on her second marriage- no other person can make you happy, if you look for that it will be an exercise in futility.  No one person is going to make you feel validated on the inside or make you feel super attractive 24/7.  What if you got a GF and one day you saw her smiling at another man?  Would that make you crumble and question everything? 

The best thing you can do is to work on yourself internally.  Nothing is more attractive than a man that is secure, kind, smart, funny, and caring.  The exterior is merely a facade.  

[Coily]

Let me start with a story i heard from a successful ex-porn star, a lot of these dude bros aren't very good at maintaining an erection. She mentioned a few times where scenes would stop so dude bro could get the onsite med tech to give them an injection. She has a youtube channel where she goes through these stories, and it's really just about the perception.

Now I see a lot of people with "don't lump all women together, which while true; doesn't help the OP. You have your perception of what women swoon over, and from your experience it's not you. It's grossly unfair to dismiss your experiences; but it's clear that you need to expand your experiences.

Now the easy thing is to say get a therapist and stop watching porn; but that's hand waiving away your problem. You already know this, but you're here probably looking for actionable information or experiences relevant to your own.

Be more choosy with what you watch is a big thing. start reducing what you watch with he goal of stopping, porn like anything can be addictive; you should try to ween yourself off of that. Change up where you interact with women, the club scene and bar scene is rife with the stereotype you need to avoid.

[itsallgrand]

4 hours ago, Kaleb285 said:

I'm 32 years old. Never had a girlfriend or been in a relationship, but I have slept with escorts.

You are feeding yourself the most toxic "food" concerning interactions and perceptions of women. Frankly dude, if a man said to me he formed his feelings and thoughts about women based on porn actresses and escorts, I'd be permanently put off no matter what else he had to offer. You are basically crippling yourself from having healthy new interactions. 

You are basing your thoughts of women on sex workers. They are sex workers!! They have sex and perform for the cash, not out of preference for the guy. It doesn't even make sense. 

You definitely need someone to help pull yourself out of this self hurting behavior. 

[smackie9]

Your incessive negativity/low self esteem is why you are not getting anywhere with dating. Trust me women and men can sense a lack of self worth/self loathing. You are feeling helpless, and trying to find answers....comparing yourself to porn actors or blaming women in general is not how you will find a cause of your position.  I agree that a licensed therapist would help you with changing your thought process, and guide you to have a better attitude/more confidence. If you can't love yourself, how do you expect anyone to love you? 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, Kaleb285 said:

it makes me incredibly depressed and demoralised. I've started watching it as a humiliation ritual now, more than anything. How on earth am I ever meant to compete with men like this? I know people will say that it's just porn and not real life, but there's no point pretending women aren't aroused by men like this.

This is something YOU are fixated on. 

We're human, we look, but in no means, is our intent to bed them all or cheat, etc.

Sure, I know many more women look more beautiful than I do, but I've been told I'm cute. Either way, we're ALL different.  We can't please them all, EVER.

Maybe you need to try and NOT fixate on that kind of crap. As it's doing you no good.. is it? 😕 .

Yes, try living in our own 'real world'.  Look around and see all the cool kinds of people there are... ( remember, we are our own worst enemy, and the worst thing to do is live stuck in your head!).

Variety is the spice of life and I can tell you now, that crap, which they use 'to sell', is not all there is.  I've dated tall, thin men. I've dated shorter, chubbier men.  I've dated guys with basically no hair.  See, there's all kinds.  What will get my attention is are you a nice person, are you funny & easy going? - That's what counts in the end 😉 .

 

[Cherylyn]

Focus on improving yourself as a person.   Concentrate on stellar character,  being moral,  education,  career,  stable finances,  good health,  fitness,  religion (if you're faith based), be well groomed and get your act together.  Most women are very attracted to these traits because if they're foreseeing a serious, committed future with you,  they pay close attention to the aforementioned.  Change the way you think and go in the other direction with your life.  Elevate your standards.  You will develop higher self esteem when you change the trajectory of your life.  Likes attract likes.  Success attracts success.

[catfeeder]

Would you be interested in dating a woman who doesn't look like a porn actress or an escort?

[poorlittlefish]

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Would you be interested in dating a woman who doesn't look like a porn actress or an escort?

That's what I was wondering. If the OP has never had a relationship, maybe it's because he's comparing them to women he's seen in porn and they're coming up short. 

OP, emotionally healthy individuals of both sexes do not do this. As others have said, to generalise on what others find attractive is doing them and you a disservice. A therapist will help you to gain the perspective you are currently missing and your outlook/prospects will improve. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/25/2023 at 4:46 AM, Kaleb285 said:

 watch pornography videos where women have sex with tatted-up badboys, 

It's all fake. They sell Sharpie and Bic ink tattoo kits for a few dollars. Just like any makeup or costumes in the movies.

They are actors working for money. It doesn't mean women find it attractive. It's to lure in viewers like yourself for the revenue.

But the real problem is that it's getting you down and upset. 

[Batya33]

I think the jealousy would be well-founded if you were trying to launch a career as a porn star and finding rejection because you didn't look like those men -I mean jealousy is an unproductive emotion but contextually I'd get it.  Being jealous as relevant to how people date/look for dates, etc - is apples/oranges.

[Batya33]

Just now, TheLambOfDeth said:

Tbh male pornstars are a rare exception. Like I know I can never compete with them so I don't even consider it. It's like being jealous of actors or Rockstar...it's pointless lol.

 

I'm at the point where I'm jealous of just average, everyday dudes that can get dates and relationships pretty easily while I can literally get nothing. And I wouldn't wish that ine anyone lol. Try not to get to that point OP.

I'm sorry you feel that way.  It depends what you mean by "get" - get for a one night stand? One date? Most people don't "get" another person where it becomes a serious relationship nor do looks matter with rare exception if the two people are serious minded people -then they simply want to find a good match where there is chemistry and attraction. Looks matter to an extent for most people but whether someone is hot looking or average by "objective" standards is very often irrelevant. My husband is not objectively hot because he is short.  Short men typically are not "valued" from an objective standpoint. My chemistry with him, love, commitment -are not dependent on any objective standpoint.  That is typical IMO.

The OP values to a large extent what other people think, values to a large extent so-called "leagues" in terms of objective standards of looks that she believes are true.  She values meeting someone who matches her in this way so she won't feel what she perceives as "societal pressure" to date within her league of physical looks.  What she values to me has nothing to do with looking for a good match and for commitment. What she values is inconsistent with her partner feeling sufficiently valued as an individual in a committed romantic relationship. 

So I wouldn't put any stock in her individual values and perceptions.

[TheLambOfDeth]

25 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm sorry you feel that way.  It depends what you mean by "get" - get for a one night stand? One date? Most people don't "get" another person where it becomes a serious relationship nor do looks matter with rare exception if the two people are serious minded people -then they simply want to find a good match where there is chemistry and attraction. Looks matter to an extent for most people but whether someone is hot looking or average by "objective" standards is very often irrelevant. My husband is not objectively hot because he is short.  Short men typically are not "valued" from an objective standpoint. My chemistry with him, love, commitment -are not dependent on any objective standpoint.  That is typical IMO.

The OP values to a large extent what other people think, values to a large extent so-called "leagues" in terms of objective standards of looks that she believes are true.  She values meeting someone who matches her in this way so she won't feel what she perceives as "societal pressure" to date within her league of physical looks.  What she values to me has nothing to do with looking for a good match and for commitment. What she values is inconsistent with her partner feeling sufficiently valued as an individual in a committed romantic relationship. 

So I wouldn't put any stock in her individual values and perceptions.

There are millions, upon millions of women that have those same values and perceptions. It's quite a popular stock.

[waffle]

On 4/25/2023 at 9:52 AM, Coily said:

Let me start with a story i heard from a successful ex-porn star, a lot of these dude bros aren't very good at maintaining an erection. She mentioned a few times where scenes would stop so dude bro could get the onsite med tech to give them an injection.

Oh.  I thought that was what fluffers are for.  😈