Boyfriend talking about another girl's bum

[whitesand3]

Okay.. this is weird, I'm really unsure how I feel and wanted some other perspectives. 

I was on the phone to my boyfriend while he started playing online with some of his guy friends. They started talking about some girl from his work place. I could only hear what my boyfriend was saying but he started talking about how nice her bum is. 

I felt this weird feeling go through my entire body in the moment. I cut the call and called him back, cause I thought he had forgotten I was on the phone. I was clearly upset, and asked him who this girl was and why he was speaking about her like that. He said he was just trying to fit in with the guys, and that he knew I was on the phone but that he shouldn't have spoken about another woman like that. And that all the guys talk about other women's body and looks like that even if they have a girlfriend. 

But then he said he's sorry and that he shouldn't speak about girl's like that when he's got a girlfriend. But that I shouldn't worry and that he doesn't actually check her out like that or anything.. 😕

I feel frozen. Just really unsure how to take this. I'm hurt but I don't want to overthink and start thinking he checks this girl's bum out while he's at work, meaning I should worry about him with other girls now too. I don't know, I can't speak about this to anyone else at the moment, and was just hoping someone could give me their opinion on this..TIA. 

[Cherylyn]

It's just an excuse when he told you he's just trying to fit in with the guys.  He doesn't have to fit in by being with the guys and if was an honorable man, he would've had a better choice of honorable friends to socialize with in the first place.  He is the company he keeps.  If you want to judge a man, look to his friends because this is who your boyfriend is.

Just because other guys talk about other women's bodies, it doesn't mean he has to partake.  Again, he's with worldly influences so if he were a real man of integrity, he would have a better choice of moral men as his friends.

Whether men have girlfriends or wives is beside the point.  Men shouldn't be ogling and leering at women in the first place.  You can't change him.  He is who he is.  Either accept him as is or have a boyfriend replacement.

His apology is insincere.  He's missing the point.  He shouldn't speak about girls like that whether he has a girlfriend or not.  Oh, you shouldn't worry because he doesn't actually check her out like that or anything?  🙄 Don't have him do you any favors.

Your boyfriend has a roving or wandering eye.  Is he good enough for you or do you want a better, moral man in your life?  You decide.  It's your choice.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

He said he was just trying to fit in with the guys, and that he knew I was on the phone

Yeah, right. 

He obviously forgot you were on the phone. But I am wondering how that even happens - do you just stay on the phone while he is busy doing other things? If so, what's the point in calling? 

In any case, yes, he obviously was checking her out. Otherwise he wouldn't have known what her backside looks like. And yes, plenty of people notice other attractive folks even when they're in a relationship. But your boyfriend sounds immature and disrespectful in general. 

All you can do is decide if this a dealbreaker. For some, it would be annoying but not the end of a relationship. For others, it's a step too far. We can't tell you where you fall here. 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

I was on the phone to my boyfriend while he started playing online with some of his guy friends. 

The locker room talk is not that uncommon, as unseemly as it is.

The real problem is why are you still on the phone when he's ignoring you?  If he treats you like a nonentity reconsider the relationship. 

How often do you see each other in person? How much face-to-face quality time do you spend together?

Strive for spending time interacting with each other rather than hanging on the phone when he exits the conversation to play games to the extent that you're just an audience to his chitchat with others.

[Kwothe28]

You are surprised he can notice another woman bum? At my previous job I had a 60 year old man telling me about the bum of 20something year old coworker. He is married for 30 years. Dont think he would stand a shot with her, he just noticed. Yes, its common. Not everybody would have eyes just for you and would at least notice other women and their "assets"(see what I did there lol). Whether they would do something about it is another thing. And whether you can stand that he notices another women.

[whitesand3]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Yeah, right. 

He obviously forgot you were on the phone. But I am wondering how that even happens - do you just stay on the phone while he is busy doing other things? If so, what's the point in calling? 

In any case, yes, he obviously was checking her out. Otherwise he wouldn't have known what her backside looks like. And yes, plenty of people notice other attractive folks even when they're in a relationship. But your boyfriend sounds immature and disrespectful in general. 

All you can do is decide if this a dealbreaker. For some, it would be annoying but not the end of a relationship. For others, it's a step too far. We can't tell you where you fall here. 

 

We normally call eachother every night, we speak for a while and end up falling asleep on the phone. Normally he ends up watching something and I do too, But he just recently started playing online again. So he just started playing while I was on call. 

I really don't know if this is a deal breaker or how I feel. I'm going back and forth from feeling hurt and sad to thinking maybe I'm just overthinking it and every or most guys are like this when speaking to their friends. 

[SherrySher]

7 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

Okay.. this is weird, I'm really unsure how I feel and wanted some other perspectives. 

I was on the phone to my boyfriend while he started playing online with some of his guy friends. They started talking about some girl from his work place. I could only hear what my boyfriend was saying but he started talking about how nice her bum is. 

I felt this weird feeling go through my entire body in the moment. I cut the call and called him back, cause I thought he had forgotten I was on the phone. I was clearly upset, and asked him who this girl was and why he was speaking about her like that. He said he was just trying to fit in with the guys, and that he knew I was on the phone but that he shouldn't have spoken about another woman like that. And that all the guys talk about other women's body and looks like that even if they have a girlfriend. 

But then he said he's sorry and that he shouldn't speak about girl's like that when he's got a girlfriend. But that I shouldn't worry and that he doesn't actually check her out like that or anything.. 😕

I feel frozen. Just really unsure how to take this. I'm hurt but I don't want to overthink and start thinking he checks this girl's bum out while he's at work, meaning I should worry about him with other girls now too. I don't know, I can't speak about this to anyone else at the moment, and was just hoping someone could give me their opinion on this..TIA. 

Just to hopefully make things a bit clearer for you.

Every single human being notices other human beings and can tell whether they are attractive, or not.

It just is, and will always be.

The problems start when someone who is already in a relationship, purposely starts leering at other people and checking them out.

That's not okay, nor is it respectful to their partner.

Secondly, talking about what they find attractive about someone else.

Also not okay as it's a matter of disrespect to their partner.

What your boyfriend did, wasn't okay.

He has apologized for it, and has acknowledged that what he did was wrong.

Me personally, I would let it go and hope it doesn't happen again.

It's up to you though on what your boundaries are and what is going to upset you enough to call it quits.

[whitesand3]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

The locker room talk is not that uncommon, as unseemly as it is.

The real problem is why are you still on the phone when he's ignoring you?  If he treats you like a nonentity reconsider the relationship. 

How often do you see each other in person? How much face-to-face quality time do you spend together?

Strive for spending time interacting with each other rather than hanging on the phone when he exits the conversation to play games to the extent that you're just an audience to his chitchat with others.

Just responded about why I was on call under MissCanuck's comment but in terms of seeing eachother, we see eachother a couple times a week usually, and we have been spending quality time together. 

The locker room talk is something I'm trying to understand and get my head around... it doesn't seem to sit right with me that men in relationships discuss other females bodies with their guy friends like that. I'd feel weird if it was the other way around and I was speaking about other men like that to my girls. Finding other people attractive and stating they are good looking is one thing, but speaking about them in a sexual manner seems disrespectful to our relationship. I don't want to over react or get on to him for something that may seem normal to others, I just don't really understand the guy's perspective here, and I want to. 

[whitesand3]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are surprised he can notice another woman bum? At my previous job I had a 60 year old man telling me about the bum of 20something year old coworker. He is married for 30 years. Dont think he would stand a shot with her, he just noticed. Yes, its common. Not everybody would have eyes just for you and would at least notice other women and their "assets"(see what I did there lol). Whether they would do something about it is another thing. And whether you can stand that he notices another women.

I do understand that people notice other people's looks, I mean I do too. The problem I have is him actually speaking on it with his guy mates that know me and know he's in a relationship. I just found it disrespectful. 

[SherrySher]

Just now, whitesand3 said:

The locker room talk is something I'm trying to understand and get my head around... it doesn't seem to sit right with me that men in relationships discuss other females bodies with their guy friends like that.

Locker room talk is not okay.

Don't ever let anyone ever convince you that "boys will be boys".

Certain men behave badly, and it's not alright.

Society over the years has tried to convince women to lower their standards and to "look the other way", when it comes to bad behavior from men.

We're not meant to speak up, or point out men behaving badly, and if we do, then we are a prude, or too highstrung.

Keep your standards high, girl!!

You will end up with a better man and better experiences if you don't accept poor behavior!

You don't need to, and you shouldn't have to.

No, it's not okay for your boyfriend to be checking out another woman, and to furthermore, comment about what he finds attractive to other guys.

It's disrespectful, immature, and a low quality type of man.

However, your boyfriend did point out that he knew it was wrong, he did apologize.

He might actually be genuinely sorry for what he did and how he behaved.

It's totally up to you whether you give him another chance, or not.

If not...do not feel bad about it, ever!

Head held high.

[SherrySher]

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

You are surprised he can notice another woman bum? At my previous job I had a 60 year old man telling me about the bum of 20something year old coworker. He is married for 30 years. Dont think he would stand a shot with her, he just noticed. Yes, its common. Not everybody would have eyes just for you and would at least notice other women and their "assets"(see what I did there lol). Whether they would do something about it is another thing. And whether you can stand that he notices another women.

Whoever that 60 year old was, total creeper.

I feel sorry for his wife.

[MissCanuck]

I know women who engage in this kind of talk as well, OP. It’s not limited to men. 

However, it’s up to you to determine if you want to date someone who does this. Some people have no problem with it, but those who do are perfectly within their rights to find someone whose values align more with theirs. 

[Wiseman2]

36 minutes ago, whitesand3 said:

We normally call eachother every night, we speak for a while and end up falling asleep on the phone. 

This is not really "quality time". Especially if he's busy with gaming and you're just listening in. If he talks crudely to his gaming pals knowing you're on the line, it means he's tuned you out and that's more important than whatever crude talk you overheard.

Discontinue this bad habit of phone-tethering every night.Find something fun and interesting to do so you don't oversaturate to this point. If he wants to game with his friends, hang up and retain your dignity. 

If you feel he and his friends have an overall disrespectful stance toward women, maybe you're starting to notice some red flags.

[SherrySher]

5 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I know women who engage in this kind of talk as well, OP. It’s not limited to men. 

However, it’s up to you to determine if you want to date someone who does this. Some people have no problem with it, but those who do are perfectly within their rights to find someone whose values align more with theirs. 

Unfortunately as sad as that is, it's true.

Lots of people find it "harmless". Mind you, they aren't the ones on the other end of it who gets hurt.

There are also people out there that don't mind at all if their partner behaves like this.

Different standards, different perspectives.

I come from the perspective as having an ex husband who checked women out and would constantly tell me that "it meant nothing", and that I needed to "ease up".

So I did.

I eased up, didn't stress about it, didn't take offence.

He loved it, it meant he could be more and more open with checking women out.

Said he would never, ever cheat.

Well, you can guess what he ended up doing.

Yep, he cheated, and he cheated, and he cheated again.

Lesson learnt.

People who have roving eyes could potentially cause a lot of pain.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Locker room talk is not okay.

Don't ever let anyone ever convince you that "boys will be boys".

Certain men behave badly, and it's not alright.

Society over the years has tried to convince women to lower their standards and to "look the other way", when it comes to bad behavior from men.

We're not meant to speak up, or point out men behaving badly, and if we do, then we are a prude, or too highstrung.

Keep your standards high, girl!!

You will end up with a better man and better experiences if you don't accept poor behavior!

You don't need to, and you shouldn't have to.

No, it's not okay for your boyfriend to be checking out another woman, and to furthermore, comment about what he finds attractive to other guys.

It's disrespectful, immature, and a low quality type of man.

However, your boyfriend did point out that he knew it was wrong, he did apologize.

He might actually be genuinely sorry for what he did and how he behaved.

It's totally up to you whether you give him another chance, or not.

If not...do not feel bad about it, ever!

Head held high.

I absolutely agree with all of this. We're not blind -I actually notice good looking women and men and I am straight -I like seeing how women dress/accessorize even though my main accessory is an ole scrunchy these days.  I had a radio crush lol for a couple of years and I would never ever have commented on that to my husband.  It's rude and unnecessary.  And it's rude to stare/check people out especially if you are with your SO.  

I would perhaps give one more chance depending on the rest of the relationship.  And he shouldn't feel like he is walking on eggshells -would he say this in front of his female boss or mom, etc? It should come naturally -basic decency, basic respect.  Stick to your values and standards and know your worth.  I like how SherrySher put this a lot.

[Tinydance]

Is it just me, I actually found it weird that you were talking on the phone but your boyfriend began playing online games with other people instead? I'm not sure if you call each other every night so it's not a big deal, but I would personally find that rude. I have a pet peeve about people going on their phone, texting, answering calls when they're spending time with me. Unless it's something urgent of course. And when I'm on the phone with someone I don't want them to be talking to other people at the same time. If they want to talk to other people then I would prefer they ended the call with me first.

In regards to what he said, I probably wouldn't like it either. I understand that everyone checks people out sometimes but the thing is that usually they don't tell their partner about it. They just do it secretly in their own mind lol

Also maybe it would be different if he said: "Angelina Jolie has a nice bum" because that's just a celebrity that he'll basically never meet. But in this case it's his colleague who he actually knows and sees all  the time. So it's in poor taste to say he likes her bum right in front of you. Obviously that would worry you because you'd start thinking whether he was into her or something like that. I'm not saying he's actually into her but it could come across that way.

[Coily]

Was the timing of his comments in poor taste, sure. It's a form of male bonding, some take it to very descriptive ends among men (and women they are platonic with). It's also not exclusively male, some of the women's conversations at an old work place I walked in on would make you think there was a porn being written.

Also don't let this moment taint the relationship, he knows he messed up and shouldn't speak that way in front of you in future. As long as he doesn't make it a habit of commenting about this particular woman, then let this pass.

There's no need to gouge out his eyes and castrating him like some seem to think. If you don't like it, then let him know; be firm. He is no less honorable than he was before, if you scold and read him the riot act over such a trivial indiscretion this will only make him want to do it more.

[smackie9]

He disrespected you yes. When on the phone talking to you he shouldn't have been talking to anyone else. He should have shut off the game and focused on your conversation.

Just because one is in a relationship doesn't mean they are dead. They will and do find others attractive, and will join in those kind of conversations, or make comment when in certain company. The ladies do this stuff too, not everyone is innocent of this type of thing. We are only human. Just tell him to keep that locker room talk on low/private. 

[boltnrun]

I used to date a sexist oaf. He would loudly say things like "Wow, look at that big t*tted girl over there!" or "I really like her t*ts!" when we would be out in public somewhere. If I objected he would look at me scornfully and threaten to find someone who wasn't so "uptight". This guy had zero respect for women. Of course that relationship didn't last. I ended it for that reason and a for a few other reasons. 

I can't say for sure if your boyfriend is that bad. And I certainly wouldn't jump to "he's going to cheat on you!" based on this one insensitive incident. He knows how you feel. Simply observe his behavior and words. If he shows a lack of respect for you and for women in general you can decide he's not right for you. 

And I would definitely stop with the lurking on the phone if you two aren't having a conversation. That seems totally pointless. If you feel the need to listen in when he's playing games with his friends because you're afraid of what he might say or do, he's not right for you. 

[Cherylyn]

This question is really for you.  Either accept your boyfriend as is or be with a boyfriend (or perhaps future husband) who shares your higher standards and values.  Never settle for sub par and mediocrity. 

There are very moral men out there.  You just hadn't found him yet. 

Why feel stuck with a guy you're not completely happy and secure with?   You can never change a man. 

Afford to be very picky and choosy because it will pay off immeasurably later. 

[SooSad33]

20 hours ago, whitesand3 said:

But then he said he's sorry and that he shouldn't speak about girl's like that when he's got a girlfriend. But that I shouldn't worry and that he doesn't actually check her out like that or anything..

You know this is a lie... lol.

It's human nature to 'look'.  We all do...  right?  😉 

The problem is 'acting'.  Yeah, those who cheat etc.

So, he's chatting it up with his buddies.  I suggest you leave that alone.  It's just how they are.. In their nature 😉 .

Does not mean he's a cheater.  he most likely isn't.

[catfeeder]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Discontinue this bad habit of phone-tethering every night.

I second this. Ditching your autonomy only makes your world very small--and boring--and it magnifies everything.

Positioning someone else as your whole world is not only unhealthy in terms of your own social life, but it puts that person's every movement under a microscope. That's not only suffocating, which can kill ANY relationship, it can also do things to your head--like turning you insecure about the outside world.

This kind of problem is cyclical. It snowballs from squelching all other interests beyond the lover, to turning boring and sensing boredom from the lover, to fearing all external inputs to the lover, to reacting to those fears by trying to stunt the lover... rinse, repeat, until one of you exits.

While this doesn't excuse BF's rude comment, it sure does amplify it.

Speaking only for myself, I notice nice features on both men and women, and given some privacy and likeminded company, I have no qualms about going crude. It's usually to be funny, and I get a kick whenever someone else tops me in that regard. Shock value is more the point than anything sexual.

Sounds like BF forgot himself and recognized that he offended you, and he stepped up to apologize rather than gaslighting you about being too sensitive. I'd give the guy a break, at least if he means a lot to you.

I'd take this as my cue to quit the phone tether and expand my scope of interests and friendships. A healthy social life tends to 'normalize' us away from painful intensity even while it helps to build the valuable life skill of resilience.

Head high.

[Cherylyn]

Is he good enough for you or do you want better in a man? 

Shop around.

[poorlittlefish]

On 3/15/2023 at 1:11 AM, whitesand3 said:

They started talking about some girl from his work place. I could only hear what my boyfriend was saying but he started talking about how nice her bum is. 

I'm curious to know whether they were talking in general terms about the girl and your boyfriend introduced the topic of her body or whether the conversation was about her looks from the start?  Depending on how it went, he was either bowing to peer pressure or he gave away that he's been checking out this other girl when he's in a relationship with you.

He recognised his behaviour was wrong and apologised, but I'd be a little wary.

[tattoobunnie]

On 3/14/2023 at 9:31 PM, Cherylyn said:

Just because other guys talk about other women's bodies, it doesn't mean he has to partake. 

Being around men in their 40's, secure men don't feel the need to fit in.  Nor do they have full on discussion about it, because quite honestly, they understand they are someone's daughter since they have kids too.

If your dude is under 25, eh, he's learning.  If he's 30+, eek, he may never get his $hit together.  Immature, and looking for a way to get a rise out of you is just sad.