is my date cheap and should I mention this to him?

[treasure_island]

Hi everyone,

this is my first post so bear with me.

I'm a 38 yo female who went on 2 dates with a 38 yo man. We are both educated, professional, make 6 figures, from same culture. Both no kids, never married. We met online. In the past, my longest relationship was almost 6 years, his longest was 1 year. 

1st date:  we meet in popular area with lots of restaurants. He doesn't know which restaurants are good even though he comes here sometimes with friends and family. He takes me to a whole-in-the wall restaurant with not a single costumer inside. He quickly found it on yelp while walking with me, and it had zero reviews.  It's a place where you order at the counter and pay, then you sit and they bring the food. He didn't like the way the restaurant looked at first, but I didn't say no and frankly wanted to test if he would really invite me to a place like that. I would never take myself or any of my loved ones to a place like that. The food cost $40 together. He paid. Food was horrible. During those 2 hours, we were the only customers there. After the date he wanted to go dancing or get drinks, but I was already tired and also turned off from the restaurant he chose, so I wanted to go home.

Before 2nd date: Before this date he would call and text me and we had nice conversations. So for the second date he decided that I come to his town (1 hour drive for me), we go on a boat ride and then picnic (boat ride is around $8, picnic is basically food from home or some packaged food), and then his place for bbq. I said I'm not coming to  his house b/c it's too early for that and I'm not comfortable with that. Then a few days later he texts  to plan the date. I attempted to cancel and mentioned that we are not a good match and that it was inappropriate for him to invite me to his place so early. He apologized and said he didn't mean it like that, and that he was just thinking out loud and wanted to give some date ideas. I accepted his apology. So he still wanted boat ride and picnic, but I said it's too cold for that.  He said don't worry you don't have to sit on the ground, there are chairs and tables in the area. I was still turned off by his previous restaurant choice and his bbq invitation, so I had no desire to drive an hour to see him. So I suggested my area, which is by the beach and also has restaurants. He agreed.

During 2nd date: We walk around by the beach, then we chose a restaurant. This one was much nicer, 3 stars. He walks behind me, so technically I had to open the door. But luckily a waitress came out of the building so she held the door open for us. They bring the menu. He tells me he wants the salmon (24$). I chose the steak (25$) but don't tell him yet b/c I'm still thinking. Waitress comes, he orders appetizer (8$), then not salmon but beef bowl (17$). I order my steak. He sees the steak on the menu and changes his mind to teryaki chicken ($24). Both of our meals come with soup and salad. Waitress asks if we want to keep one menu for future use, he doesn't even ask me, and automatically says no.

They bring the soup and salad, then the main course. They forgot the appetizer, but he remembers and tells me "let me tell them so at least I won't get charged for it". I get it, tell them to remind them, but don't tell me about not wanting to get charged for it...Anyway, they bring appetizer. It was actually alot of food so I couldn't finish. Waitress comes at the end and asks if we want anything else. He doesn't even ask me and says no. They bring the check. Check was standing there. He didn't grab it. A good 10 second passed. (Mind you, he's the one who asked me out in the first place) He finally took the check. He keeps reading it (I guess to make sure everything is correct). 

This guy is not poor at all. I think he makes about 200k, just bought a house in the suburbs for over a million dollars. I should also mention that he has citizenship from his original country (where I'm also from), but also for Austria, where he used to live . He has greencard for the US and keeps renewing it every 10 years and doesn't want US citizenship b/c he doesn't want to give up his austrian citizenship, since it provides him with more benefits especially when he's older (healthcare, etc). Is he planning to live in austria when he's retired? He says no. Or only go there for healthcare? In that case, how about flight tickets and staying in hotels while receiving healthcare in austria? He has no family in austria, so it's not like he can stay at someones place for free. Seems to me he wants one foot in the US and one foot in austria. Of course I didn't think of asking him these questions.

Am I being too sensitive? I lean toward more traditional values, even though I live on my own and I'm completely independent. When I'm with a man I like to feel taken care of and it's extremely unattractive to me when he's worried about whether he's charged for appetizers or not. Or if he asks me to drive an hour to see him, for a picnic in the cold. 

So he wanted to talk on the phone the other day, but I texted him to say thank you for the date, but that I don't feel the connection and that I wish him good luck with everything. I didn't mention the above. He wanted to at least talk about it for 5 min. I said I don't think so, sorry. Then he texts 2 days later saying not feeling a connection is an excuse, that we are making a mistake not to continue dating, that I may be worried about other stuff but not sure exactly what. That I was interrogating him by asking indirect questions and then doubtfully react to his answer as if he's lying. That he wished he could have a conversation about it. That truth is he's a good person with a good heart(and that I am too) and that he just wanted to fall in love with me.

I wasn't interrogating him, I just asked him questions to get to know him. And yes, the austria citizenship thing sounded a bit fishy to me. Also I should mention that he didn't include his gf in austria in his USA plans when he was immigrating here. He was 31 at that time. He basically came to the US without thinking about his relationship and left his gf in austria, who was actually interested in immigrating here with him. Once he got settled here, he calls her to see if she 's interested to move here, but by that time she already moved on and got married. 

What should I do? Do you guys think he's stingy? And if he is, should I tell him? Thanks for reading my rant!

Please help!

 

[MissCanuck]

No, just don't bother having any further contact with him. 

You are clearly not compatible and it's not worth arguing with him about his spending habits. Block this guy's number and keep moving. 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, treasure_island said:

Then he texts 2 days later saying not feeling a connection is an excuse, that we are making a mistake not to continue dating, that I may be worried about other stuff but not sure exactly what.

See, he's so persistent and he's trying to convince you out of your feelings!! Major red flag. Disrespectful selfish sicko who won't take no for an answer.

Also, the moment he invited you to his place on the second date you should have declined the whole second date and blocked him. Yes, some men need to be blocked. I'm pretty sure he has a hard time finding a woman who will put up with his act, so when you keep channels of communication open to him, he goes for it.

Add to that, he's just off about money, where you ate the first date, ect. He doesn't sound appealing at all.

1 hour ago, treasure_island said:

He was 31 at that time. He basically came to the US without thinking about his relationship and left his gf in austria, who was actually interested in immigrating here with him. Once he got settled here, he calls her to see if she 's interested to move here, but by that time she already moved on and got married.

Another red flag for you to run. You don't need to check how red is his red flag. It's really bad. He's selfish, inconsiderate, and he just left his gf hanging elsewhere as if she's some possession who will wait on him.

1 hour ago, treasure_island said:

What should I do? Do you guys think he's stingy? And if he is, should I tell him? Thanks for reading my rant!

Stingy, selfish, inconsiderate, looking for sex on the second date, ect.

You tell him nothing. You owe this guy nothing. Just don't be naive and fall for his BS excuses/chat. He's an adult and he knows very well what he's doing including making you feel uncomfortable regarding your own feelings and decisions which is a major major red flag. I imagine this is the kind of guy who will not take a NO in the bedroom once he has you there, and that is a scary situation.

Block and delete him asap. Like, right now. Learn to cut the bad apples at the soonest sight of red flags 👍

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, treasure_island said:

Am I being too sensitive? I lean toward more traditional values, even though I live on my own and I'm completely independent. When I'm with a man I like to feel taken care of and it's extremely unattractive to me when he's worried about whether he's charged for appetizers or not. Or if he asks me to drive an hour to see him, for a picnic in the cold. 

You're not. Don't question yourself by going out on a couple of dates with a stranger. You need to have a better sense of self and confidence.

And please don't be naive about his intentions. He wanted sex for free delivered by you on your own car expenses and own time. What a pos.

Raise your dating standards and learn to leave when you see the slightest red flags or turn offs. Over analyzing him only wastes your time.

[Cherylyn]

Yes, he's stingy.  He's a tightwad and cheapskate.  I know some high income earners who don't want to part with their money and it's very ugly how stingy they are. 

The dates you mentioned were definitely alarming.  I don't like those types of personalities because those types of men create a lot of stress in a relationship.

Since he wants to know why you're no longer interested in him, tell him the truth.  Tell him so he'll know how to change.  I know you don't want to see him again and I agree, I wouldn't want to either.  However, I'd tell him what your observations were and why it bothered you.  If he wants honesty and transparency, give it to him.  Tell him that you hope he learns from what you've told him and hopefully he'll change his behavior for his future dates.  Wish him all the best and part ways.  Finally. 

And even though it was a red flag the way he treated his gf, that's indeed a red flag but it won't change anything for you to mention it.  Whoever is in a relationship with him is responsible to communicate with him.  Nonetheless, I wouldn't want to get involved with a man who treated his previous girlfriend shoddily.

He sounds selfish.  He doesn't think of you and how a date should be enjoyable. I remember dating my husband.  We went out fine dining, movie theater, shows, symphonies, ballets and had great times.  There was thought and consideration put into planning.  He never gave me a lousy time.  I had the time of my life.  It's the way it should be. 

No, you're not too sensitive.  I too am traditional and appreciate being taken care of.  Also, your date wanted to invite you to his apartment so soon?  He feigns innocence but he most likely wanted you for sex early on.  That's a red flag!  Asking you to drive an hour to see him and suggesting a picnic during cold weather is indeed cheap. 

I remember when I was dating my husband and still to this day, he's a generous tipper.  He always thinks of the waiter or waitress because he knows they're generally struggling students, don't earn well or single parents.  Whenever I want to buy something nice for my mother, he never complains about expenses.  He tells me to go ahead and buy it.  He has no qualms about being generous which is commendable and very admirable. 

Always pay attention because character is everything.  If something is amiss, your gut and intuition are telling you that this guy is an automatic reject for a reason or for many reasons.  Take heed.

 

[poorlittlefish]

I see things differently to everyone else.  You come across as overly bothered about money and seem to have a sense of entitlement from the comment that you want to feel "looked after".  Many men these days want to be on an even footing; they don't want to "look after" anyone, particularly not someone they've only just met.

I guess that because you earn such good money you have different expectations to me as the dates he proposed sounded fine and it wouldn't bother me that someone didn't want to get charged for something.  On the contrary, I'd take that as being someone who's sensible with money and not likely to get themselves into debt etc.

The two of you are clearly incompatible.  It's just as well you didn't tell him he was stingy, because he could have made unpleasant comments about your character too, which would have made things a whole lot worse.

[Kwothe28]

I am going to go against a grane and critiicize you a bit. If most of your problems with the guy consists of "OMG he didnt pay enough for the overpriced overrated restaurant food and didnt offer me to order more even though I was full", then that sounds like a "you" problem. The point of the date is to get to  know somebody. Not to take you to expensive places and pays for your food and drinks. Heck, lots of men today specifically avoid taking their dates to expensive places. Precisely because the attitude like yours. Where you feel like he is obligated to take you somewhere expensive and pay. While you would ghost him tomorrow because "food wasnt good enough and didnt spend enough on me". Heck, in your whole writing that is the prevailing topic. Not what kind of a man he is, but how much he earns, what he has and whether he would take you to most expensive place and pay. He is not obligated to pay. Its a gentlmeny thing to do, I like to do it, lots of other guys do, heck even your guy did it. But you do know he wasnt obligated to do it and that you as "single independent 6 figure woman" could offer to split the bill? Or maybe even pay it yourself because he paid the first? No? Yeah, I didnt think so.

I am not saying this about this particular guy. He has some red flags(like calling you to his home on second date) and your values dont match. Just saying that you are way too materialistic in general. And that it wont serve you well when it comes to dating. 

 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, treasure_island said:

  Then he texts 2 days later saying not feeling a connection is an excuse, that we are making a mistake not to continue dating, 

Fortunately after just 2 dates, you already realize you're incompatible.

These first 2 dates were far too elaborate and expensive.

Usually it's best to keep it brief and simple such as a drink or coffee.

It may be better to take more control over your first meets and first dates. For example you should suggest a place you know near you for a first meet coffee/drink. Keep it brief.

It's important to keep an eye on safety at first and boat rides and picnics are horrible ideas for this. Avoid any sort of isolated situation where you are not near your car at all times.

Remember that these are meetings with strangers and not a relationship where you decide what your favorite restaurants are.

Take control of your dating life. How someone spends their money and what they make is not your concern after 1 meeting.

If you feel you are not meeting compatible men, you may want to shift your focus to quality selective paid dating apps.

Sorry to say but your choices for first and second dates were unsafe and unrealistic. You need to be more in charge and not so passive in your own safety and planning.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

am not saying this about this particular guy. He has some red flags(like calling you to his home on second date) and your values dont match. Just saying that you are way too materialistic in general. And that it wont serve you well when it comes to dating.

You have a good point.

What stood out to me is that despite the many red flags, her focus in the post title and question is on the whether he's cheap. It's as if she's willing to put up with BS as long as he flexes his money(not happening in his case though).

[Tinydance]

I think yes at the end if the day it does come down to cultural values (in your case traditional) and gender role expectations. I'm 37, nearly 38 and I live in Australia. Here the gender roles are actually not that strong, at least not unless you're from certain overseas cultures.

Men aren't really expected to pay for women or not for five star restaurants. Normally when I went out with guys they might buy me a coffee or a small meal. There isn't really expectations that the guy will always pay.

One thing that stood out to me though is you say he's cheap and fixated on money but you seem to be too? You were noting how many stars restaurants have. When I go on a date I just want to grab some food and a drink and have good conversation. I don't care that much about the star rating of the restaurant unless it's something really terrible like dirty or the guy took me to McDonald's.

I mean I understand you're more traditional but you actually also sound materialistic? I think a boat ride and picnic is a sweet date. I would have liked that. Not everything has to be about money.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I see things differently to everyone else.  You come across as overly bothered about money and seem to have a sense of entitlement from the comment that you want to feel "looked after".  Many men these days want to be on an even footing; they don't want to "look after" anyone, particularly not someone they've only just met.

I guess that because you earn such good money you have different expectations to me as the dates he proposed sounded fine and it wouldn't bother me that someone didn't want to get charged for something.  On the contrary, I'd take that as being someone who's sensible with money and not likely to get themselves into debt etc.

The two of you are clearly incompatible.  It's just as well you didn't tell him he was stingy, because he could have made unpleasant comments about your character too, which would have made things a whole lot worse.

OP I am very traditional and when I dated (1980-ish to 2005, married 2008) I would offer to help/chip in by the second date but most men adamantly refused - and no I didn't date cheap/stingy men -to me that was when a man wasn't generous with tipping, or we planned a whole day together but he didn't plan -or want to plan - a meal (meaning a whole day without a meal - where we I guess would just grab a snack from a street vendor -one guy even insisted he wasn't hungry when I finally said I was going to get something to eat and he could sit with me (while I paid) and then took me up on my offer of half my big sandwich and didn't offer to chip in on the bill)). - 

Yes -many of my dates back then were centered on meeting for a meal - I get it -but you seem uber-focused on restaurants as part of a date.  Why?  Picnics are sweet and why are you nickel and diming him? Boat rides are romantic -who cares what the $$ are?? And you have no right to judge him by what his salary is -he might be saving for a house, taking care of his family in some way (meaning parents/relatives, whatever).  

I don't like how you "tested" him - that sets up a weird vibe and has nothing to do with getting to know him.  Test by seeing how he interacts with strangers while you're on the date -how he refers to his coworkers (one of my dates called them all idiots during our 1 hour lunch date), and his family and friends.  Many yelp reviews are fake by the way.

My husband went all out when he courted me - wouldn't let me pay, took me to Europe after three months of dating on vacation (I gave him a check for my share -which he refused to deposit with me not even knowing that for months because back then I was not great at checking up on my account) - but you know what - an awesome memory I have of our trip to Europe this past summer - we chose a hole in the wall restaurant -meaning compared to the touristy places -it was totally clean and all and as you put it -order food at the counter.  Well the dollar was strong. 

My husband and son ordered a local soup that was $7 to share/try.  It took forever to come -why? Because literally they were making it almost from scratch -we could see.  They brought this huge portion big enough for an army and it wasn't fancy looking -you felt like you were in your grandma's kitchen.  It even had hardboiled egg floating in the broth. 

My sometimes picky 13 year old son dug in at the plain old table we sat at and there was silence mostly because it was so delicious and fragrant and exotic too.  For $7.  Where I grew up -major city - hole in the wall places often were the best -no yelp back then just word of mouth.  And yes your guy didn't do the research beforehand I get it - but it's so much more about the company.  Also when I dated I tried to order entrees that were the same or less expensive than my date's choice.  And i would order a glass of wine only if he did and only one.  I didn't want to or need to be greedy especially if it wasn't yet clear we'd be seeing each other again.

I get that there are some red flags.  And you have some too with all due respect -from one traditional dater to another.  Good luck.  

[Seraphim]

My first date with my husband in 1989, he bought the movie tickets and I paid for the snacks. That was our first date .🤷🏻‍♀️
 

If women want equality they need to start giving it . 

[Andrina]

Not that he ended up being a prized potential partner, but really, it's best to meet for coffee on a first meet, so that neither party is out more than that small cost.

It doesn't matter how much money he makes. Why does he want to throw away a lot of money spent on a very iffy situation, which initial meet ups definitely are?

Since you're still single, you might consider your outdated ideas about being taken care of by a man will drive decent men away. It doesn't matter if both earn equally or one makes more--a couple should regularly treat each other, without a totally one-sided situation.

And you speak of him walking behind you leading up to the restaurant door. Do you really think it'd be polite to walk in front of you? Perhaps if the employee hadn't gotten to the door first, he would have eventually moved ahead of you to open the door.

You seemed to be dissecting his every move on the second date and could have made him nervous. I'm sure the expression on your face while you're doing this was a dead giveaway. 

No, he was not a good candidate for dating, but perhaps neither are you. If you find yourself alone after many dating attempts, perhaps look to improving your own viewpoints and attitude.

[serialmonogamist]

Op, perhaps this is an opportunity for you to take a look at yourself here instead of blowing some guy off as a cheapskate. If your dating etiquette is how much or little is this guy spending on me, how little he seems to know about apparent high end restaurants and the fact that in your mind he took you to a restaurant that was cheap and the food was terrible suggests to me that your mind would have chosen to feel differently if he had gone all out and taken you to a high end restaurant where a salad costs 50 dollars for one leaf of lettuce and a cherry tomato and a squiggle of some exotic sauce on a massive plate. Is love measured by money or actions? Lol deeper within yourself and ask deeper questions to get to the real issues. You're welcome. 

[mylolita]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

My first date with my husband in 1989, he bought the movie tickets and I paid for the snacks. That was our first date .🤷🏻‍♀️
 

If women want equality they need to start giving it . 

This is so very true! 
 

I want to be taken care of and don’t want the equal in everything, so I like to be bought and paid for - LOL! 
 

But I also don’t care about fancy restaurants or high end food. Take me to get fries and a milkshake and I would be over the moon! Or 1am cherry pie! 

 

My first date with my husband was a quiet drink! 
 

x

[boltnrun]

You were full from the appetizer so you didn't finish your steak meal and you wanted to order more?

That doesn't make any sense to me. Why waste food?

You two are incompatible. 

I'm sure there are men who would be willing to spend a ton of money on five star restaurants for you. Find one of them.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

My first date with my husband in 1989, he bought the movie tickets and I paid for the snacks. That was our first date .🤷🏻‍♀️
 

If women want equality they need to start giving it . 

On our first lunch "date" in 1995 (we were coworkers but was pretty sure he wanted to date me) he suggested a nice restaurant nearby.  I remember ordering pizza as it wasn't as expensive as other entrees.  He wanted to pay and realized he'd left his wallet at the office.  He was mortified.  I didn't know him well AND totally believed he meant to pay.  I paid.  He then tried to repay me that afternoon (remember no venmo lol) and I would not let him.  I had no issue with paying and our next date, a week later, which he planned (I think drinks and appetizers because of work schedules maybe?) he paid and I let him.  

[WalterSobcha]

12 hours ago, treasure_island said:

He tells me he wants the salmon (24$). I chose the steak (25$) but don't tell him yet b/c I'm still thinking. Waitress comes, he orders appetizer (8$), then not salmon but beef bowl (17$). I order my steak. He sees the steak on the menu and changes his mind to teryaki chicken ($24). 

For someone who is not stingy (unlike him, who, according to you, is the stingy one), you sure kept a very precise record of how much he spent, and how much every food item on the menu cost. You even said you two roughly make the same amount of money... so why would he need to pay for everything? Who knows, maybe he's posting on another forum and making a similar post about you.

 

 

[smackie9]

Just because a person makes six figures doesn't mean they automatically live the lifestyle to match. I know wealthy people that still scrimp and save, wear tattered clothes/gum boots and definitely don't fine dine. It's a lifestyle they choose, and you yourself choose a certain lifestyle. Everyone has their expectations. There is no right or wrong. I get it, a woman of your financial position, would like to meet a man of similar financial/professional status. And I think that is wise. It's all about balance.

There are other things to consider like the fact this guy is clueless about dating. First impressions are very important, and as a lady myself I like it when a man puts his best foot forward, and shows he is a gentleman, like opening doors,  plans a proper date, and wants his date to have an enjoyable time. This can be achieved without spending $$$ so this guy absolutely had no excuse. It's not the money that wasn't spent, it was the bad experience. Myself would never give this guy a second date for the way he behaved. And you my friend need to really look at the man, not his wallet. Like I always say date those who treat you the way you expect to be treated.

IMO there's a reason this guy is still single, and never had anything last relationship wise. He's a complete doofus. He doesn't know how to treat a lady right. Run girl, you run away as fast as you can.

To add, you should not be asking here to find out if you should say something...no you just say no thank you and be on your way.

 

[treasure_island]

15 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

 

Also, the moment he invited you to his place on the second date you should have declined the whole second date and blocked him. Yes, some men need to be blocked. I'm pretty sure he has a hard time finding a woman who will put up with his act, so when you keep channels of communication open to him, he goes for it.

 

yes, that was my mistake, I should have be more firm to decline. I declined at first, but then he apologized and I agreed to meet up. We had nice conversations overall and I thought he was an interesting guy so I let go of the fact that he took me to that place to eat (at that moment in time). Of course I realize it's not all about money, that's why I gave him another chance. 

[treasure_island]

15 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

You're not. Don't question yourself by going out on a couple of dates with a stranger. You need to have a better sense of self and confidence.

And please don't be naive about his intentions. He wanted sex for free delivered by you on your own car expenses and own time. What a pos.

Raise your dating standards and learn to leave when you see the slightest red flags or turn offs. Over analyzing him only wastes your time.

yeah I agree. The only reason I question I myself is: do I sound materialistic and like a gold digger? B/c I know I will get yelled at for being materialistic in this forum. I already braced myself. 

[treasure_island]

15 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes, he's stingy.  He's a tightwad and cheapskate.  I know some high income earners who don't want to part with their money and it's very ugly how stingy they are. 

The dates you mentioned were definitely alarming.  I don't like those types of personalities because those types of men create a lot of stress in a relationship.

Since he wants to know why you're no longer interested in him, tell him the truth.  Tell him so he'll know how to change.  I know you don't want to see him again and I agree, I wouldn't want to either.  However, I'd tell him what your observations were and why it bothered you.  If he wants honesty and transparency, give it to him.  Tell him that you hope he learns from what you've told him and hopefully he'll change his behavior for his future dates.  Wish him all the best and part ways.  Finally. 

And even though it was a red flag the way he treated his gf, that's indeed a red flag but it won't change anything for you to mention it.  Whoever is in a relationship with him is responsible to communicate with him.  Nonetheless, I wouldn't want to get involved with a man who treated his previous girlfriend shoddily.

He sounds selfish.  He doesn't think of you and how a date should be enjoyable. I remember dating my husband.  We went out fine dining, movie theater, shows, symphonies, ballets and had great times.  There was thought and consideration put into planning.  He never gave me a lousy time.  I had the time of my life.  It's the way it should be. 

No, you're not too sensitive.  I too am traditional and appreciate being taken care of.  Also, your date wanted to invite you to his apartment so soon?  He feigns innocence but he most likely wanted you for sex early on.  That's a red flag!  Asking you to drive an hour to see him and suggesting a picnic during cold weather is indeed cheap. 

I remember when I was dating my husband and still to this day, he's a generous tipper.  He always thinks of the waiter or waitress because he knows they're generally struggling students, don't earn well or single parents.  Whenever I want to buy something nice for my mother, he never complains about expenses.  He tells me to go ahead and buy it.  He has no qualms about being generous which is commendable and very admirable. 

Always pay attention because character is everything.  If something is amiss, your gut and intuition are telling you that this guy is an automatic reject for a reason or for many reasons.  Take heed.

 

Million times yes. And most females in my community will agree with you as well, regardless of income levels. That's tradition, but of course modern times has shifted everything, with equality and stuff. It's all just our values. 

[treasure_island]

15 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

I see things differently to everyone else.  You come across as overly bothered about money and seem to have a sense of entitlement from the comment that you want to feel "looked after".  Many men these days want to be on an even footing; they don't want to "look after" anyone, particularly not someone they've only just met.

I guess that because you earn such good money you have different expectations to me as the dates he proposed sounded fine and it wouldn't bother me that someone didn't want to get charged for something.  On the contrary, I'd take that as being someone who's sensible with money and not likely to get themselves into debt etc.

The two of you are clearly incompatible.  It's just as well you didn't tell him he was stingy, because he could have made unpleasant comments about your character too, which would have made things a whole lot worse.

many man don't want to look after anyone, and many men would love to look after someone. I've met men who would get offended if I tried to pay, and would say that as long as I'm with you, I do the paying. Yes, even if they just met me (or other women). 

Yeah, I still haven't responded to him as to why we are incompatible, b/c he might judge me for being shallow and materialistic. 

[treasure_island]

15 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I am going to go against a grane and critiicize you a bit. If most of your problems with the guy consists of "OMG he didnt pay enough for the overpriced overrated restaurant food and didnt offer me to order more even though I was full", then that sounds like a "you" problem. The point of the date is to get to  know somebody. Not to take you to expensive places and pays for your food and drinks. Heck, lots of men today specifically avoid taking their dates to expensive places. Precisely because the attitude like yours. Where you feel like he is obligated to take you somewhere expensive and pay. While you would ghost him tomorrow because "food wasnt good enough and didnt spend enough on me". Heck, in your whole writing that is the prevailing topic. Not what kind of a man he is, but how much he earns, what he has and whether he would take you to most expensive place and pay. He is not obligated to pay. Its a gentlmeny thing to do, I like to do it, lots of other guys do, heck even your guy did it. But you do know he wasnt obligated to do it and that you as "single independent 6 figure woman" could offer to split the bill? Or maybe even pay it yourself because he paid the first? No? Yeah, I didnt think so.

I am not saying this about this particular guy. He has some red flags(like calling you to his home on second date) and your values dont match. Just saying that you are way too materialistic in general. And that it wont serve you well when it comes to dating. 

 

 

[treasure_island]

I understand your frustration. At the same time, women spend alot more time and money to make themselves presentable in front of men, that's because men are visual. They always have and always will be, and that's ok. As a result since I prepared myself by looking presentable and by thinking about interesting topics to converse with him, I think it's fair to expect that he prepared a simple restaurant reservation. The day we first met, I actually also worked earlier, while he did not. Least he could do is look up restaurants.  Remember, it's the first meeting ever. It's not like we knew each other from before.  We are trying to see if we are compatible. Both parties should be at their best behavior. 

There's a saying we have here: If a person is financially stingy with another person, he might also be stingy emotionally, and in other departments as well. It was a hard lesson for me to learn as well. I didn't grow up thinking that way. I grew up in germany where equality is much more pronounced that in the US. But over time, after dating all kinds of men, from stingy to generous, the most generous have also been the most emotionally available and the most serious with me. The ones who take time to plan dates will stick with you the longest. I hate to say this. I'm sure theres exceptions, but that's more or less the norm. Maybe It was just my luck?? Who knows, this is not an exact science.

As far as women ghosting men after a nice dinner: How many times do men ghost women after sex? Now you know how it feels like. So the sex wasn't good enough? He just wanted to add another notch to his belt, but he really doesn't care for her? All of these things are important to mention. The man will therefore move on to bed the next person, just like the woman is looking for another fancy dinner? Either way it's messed up. Using people for materialistic things, or sex. Both are shallow.