serialmonogamist

I believe I've said everything I've had to say. You're welcome. Don't like the way I am, anyone is free to ask me to leave and I will have no problem in doing so. I'm 43, a mature adult. Not a child whom is new to the world wide web. If you are nota mod here or some hugely significant part of the overall running of the site and how it functions, then this is just personal opinions really. Do yourself a favour and let it go.

No, I'm pointing attention to the fact that I have said many things, to read my responses that I have already posted and then perhaps they might see that being judgemental in their response wasn't necessary. It's not my responsibility to sit here and worry about how others take what I write.

Well the most simple way to answer your question/s is in thus way, did I ask for help or advice in my post? As well meaning as input has been, it was mainly me writing out what I felt I wanted to express. Hence why I titled my post, heart to heart with myself. If that's the way you read my responses, as in pushing back on well meaning advice then that is not really in my control. I don't really feel I need to justify my responses. As for being humble and showing humility, why? I guess with some responses, I felt judged for not trying hard enough or feeling like I had not done any work to make a difference. Perhaps some people need to contemplate their response before they comment. I simply wrote about my current feelings and my life. That's all that it really was. I wasn't looking for help or advice. Some of the comments I found useful, and did help. I referred to one post as I have previously posted about what I'm doing in the world with my life in order to point to the fact that the person if they should feel so inclined can see for themselves that I'm doing as they have suggested without repeating myself. Completely optional of course. Some answers made it seem so simplistic without taking into account the complexities involved. People are going to take what I write the way they are going to take it. That's not in my control. I have nothing further to really say.

As I said if life was that simple eh. Read my responses I've already posted.

I have elaborated on what I'm doing out in the world in prior posts. Thanks for the suggestions.

Thank you. The reality and truth is that there are none that are safe for me. I've looked at each individual, individually then looked at everything as a whole. Mentally and emotionally, there is no safety. I have made strong attempts and been vulnerable with most of them and tried to cultivate relationships. The efforts were one sided. All efforts coming from me. The sad reality is that they are not willing nor does it appear to be the case that they want me in their life, nor are they willing to spend time developing a relationship with me. There is plenty of opportunity to have gotten in touch. They never have. Its just too much pain and heartache for me. I've done my best and I have to accept that I'm not going to have family. I've cried all my life. I'm 43 years old now, single, no kids and on my own. I have to accept and let go. There will always be a degree of pain and hurt for me in my life. Impossible to not feel at all. However, I did the best I could. My life was filled with serious abuse and I had to walk away. Yes, I'm sad. I'm no longer being abused though. I would be if I attempted to go back. Not for me.

Not that I know of? I'm just trying to manage keeping myself in check. I'm exceptionally exhausted from meetings and other things on today so I'm going to bed and switching off. Thank you for your care and concern. Much appreciated.

Thank you for the thought of a potential invite for Christmas dinner with a lot of IFS 🙂 I seem to have hit a quiet spot in myself. Probably to cope with the overwhelm I am feeling, the emotions and such. I discovered last night that my uncle may be missing. I have been somewhat frantically (around my life) trying to make further inquiries as to assess the truth of the situation. He lives in a whole other continent across the world from me so that makes things a little more challenging. Will try not to let it overtake me and my life. One day at a time. I hope you have a good Christmas as well.

Thank you boltnrun.

Life would be wonderful if it was that simple eh.

Thank you.

Thanks for sharing your journey. No, I don't feel better. Time I guess. Who knows. I'm tired of life. I'm tired in general. It's very late here. Got a big day tomorrow and I'm not really up for it. Not been a good say today. Thanks for the comments.

Dude I do not know you at all. I have only just joined this site. If what the other members are saying are true, and you are married, get the hell of bumble and let this woman go. It is a dating app, not a friends app. Put this focus and energy you are giving to this person into your wife and marriage instead. Be concerned, loving and kind to your wife not some person who is in their own private sh...t storm that you have never even met. Just get the heck off bumble, end this whatever it is and get back to your wife and marriage. It sounds like you need to go talk to a therapist and get yourself on track as well. Harsh I know but you need harsh REALITY right now.

I am going to be as honest as I can in this post. Just today I have been thinking about family. I do not think of them often. My memories of them are not always nice and pleasant and the ones that I thought were nice and pleasant are marred by the horrible times. I am estranged from all family. The ones I would speak with are deceased now. I actually have a very large family. I have 10 cousins all still surviving. All my grandparents are deceased. I have two uncles, 1 deceased and the other still surviving maybe? He has just disappeared off the face of the earth. 2 aunts. 1 sister and 1 niece. I speak to nobody at all. I am estranged from all of the living family members. I have absolutely no relationship at all with my father nor mother. I have made peace within myself that I truly do need to stay away from my father. It has been 13 years since I have seen him now and he has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. The feelings are mutual. I cut all contact with my mother in December 2019. That was an excruciating and painful time/decision for me. So, it has been four years almost now since I have seen or spoken to my mother. The only times I have spoken to her have been via email. Once to inform her about her final will and her funeral. I was advising her that I would not be carrying out anything she had put me in charge of. Executor of her will and arranging her funeral. It had all been left up to me. That was excruciating and painful to do as well. Once was a very brief thank you for the ecard she sent me for my birthday. The last time I emailed her was to tell her to stop sending me an ecard every year on my birthday. I do not hear from her at any other time in the year and she has really made no effort at all to reach out or to attempt to genuinely build a relationship with me without abuse involved. When I cut contact with my mom, automatically my sister stopped speaking to me to. That also resulted in a relationship failing with my niece who was the absolute love of my life. When I cut contact with my mom, a month later I relocated over 4000 kilometres away. I had no reason to stay in my hometown anymore and I needed to move away for my own reasons. I have been trying to heal from a lifetime of abuse by both parents in these last four years. I cannot put into words of the harsh reality of how hard it is to heal from what I account for at least 34 years of serious abuse and many different types of abuse from those two alone. Like many people who are abused from a young age and it carries on, many do not even know it was abuse or is abuse. It took me till the age of 40 to realise and it was like an avalanche, tsunami and hurricane all at once going on inside me when the realisations of abuse throughout my life had been happening. It has been so very long since I even spoke to any extended family. I do not speak to one aunt (mothers side) because in many ways she enabled my mother and my cousins who are that aunts children, seemed to have had the attitude "how dare you leave your mothers side". They live in another part of the world and have absolutely no idea what my life has been like. So, I do not speak with them. Four of my other cousins on my mothers side, I cannot find them. I do not now where they are and I cannot find them. I am sure with a bit of leg work and investigation I could possibly find them but it is not guaranteed. I know three of them live in Holland and one lives in South Africa. Then that leaves three others cousins. I know where they are and I know I can find them. They are on my fathers side. What has stopped me is further pain and judgement. Again, these people have absolutely no idea what either of my parents were doing to me. Sometimes I think to myself, maybe they should know but I venture no further than that. I have done all I am able to stay in touch with my niece. It was not her fault what anyone did. Unfortunately I did not receive correspondence back. My sister was/is very controlling of my niece. My niece has not developed her own thoughts/feelings and such. I have seen it. My nice will be going on 17 soon. I grieve for the years I have missed that I did not want to miss. I was a very good aunt to my niece. I provided things for her that her mother and grandmother could not. I wanted to be a really good influence in her life, a good role model and someone to turn to when mom and grandma wasn't an option for her. Through their controlling ways and jealousy they not only robbed me of that opportunity, they robbed my niece of that opportunity as well. So, I am 43 years old now and today I find myself thinking what the heck do I even do anymore. Do, I keep living my life without any of them as I have been or do I try cultivate a relationship of sorts with the ones that will be safe to do so with? It is hard living without any family at all. So damn hard. I am used to it now of course. I have pretty much had no family for a very long time now. I just thought it would be nice once in a while to have at least one family member to contact now and then and say hi. It has taken me quite a lot to write this email and "talk" about my life. No doubt I will experience some heartache the next few days but better out than in.

Thank you, and I will keep plodding on 🙂