serialmonogamist

I believe I've said everything I've had to say. You're welcome. Don't like the way I am, anyone is free to ask me to leave and I will have no problem in doing so. I'm 43, a mature adult. Not a child whom is new to the world wide web. If you are nota mod here or some hugely significant part of the overall running of the site and how it functions, then this is just personal opinions really. Do yourself a favour and let it go.

No, I'm pointing attention to the fact that I have said many things, to read my responses that I have already posted and then perhaps they might see that being judgemental in their response wasn't necessary. It's not my responsibility to sit here and worry about how others take what I write.

Well the most simple way to answer your question/s is in thus way, did I ask for help or advice in my post? As well meaning as input has been, it was mainly me writing out what I felt I wanted to express. Hence why I titled my post, heart to heart with myself. If that's the way you read my responses, as in pushing back on well meaning advice then that is not really in my control. I don't really feel I need to justify my responses. As for being humble and showing humility, why? I guess with some responses, I felt judged for not trying hard enough or feeling like I had not done any work to make a difference. Perhaps some people need to contemplate their response before they comment. I simply wrote about my current feelings and my life. That's all that it really was. I wasn't looking for help or advice. Some of the comments I found useful, and did help. I referred to one post as I have previously posted about what I'm doing in the world with my life in order to point to the fact that the person if they should feel so inclined can see for themselves that I'm doing as they have suggested without repeating myself. Completely optional of course. Some answers made it seem so simplistic without taking into account the complexities involved. People are going to take what I write the way they are going to take it. That's not in my control. I have nothing further to really say.

As I said if life was that simple eh. Read my responses I've already posted.

I have elaborated on what I'm doing out in the world in prior posts. Thanks for the suggestions.

Thank you. The reality and truth is that there are none that are safe for me. I've looked at each individual, individually then looked at everything as a whole. Mentally and emotionally, there is no safety. I have made strong attempts and been vulnerable with most of them and tried to cultivate relationships. The efforts were one sided. All efforts coming from me. The sad reality is that they are not willing nor does it appear to be the case that they want me in their life, nor are they willing to spend time developing a relationship with me. There is plenty of opportunity to have gotten in touch. They never have. Its just too much pain and heartache for me. I've done my best and I have to accept that I'm not going to have family. I've cried all my life. I'm 43 years old now, single, no kids and on my own. I have to accept and let go. There will always be a degree of pain and hurt for me in my life. Impossible to not feel at all. However, I did the best I could. My life was filled with serious abuse and I had to walk away. Yes, I'm sad. I'm no longer being abused though. I would be if I attempted to go back. Not for me.

Not that I know of? I'm just trying to manage keeping myself in check. I'm exceptionally exhausted from meetings and other things on today so I'm going to bed and switching off. Thank you for your care and concern. Much appreciated.

Thank you for the thought of a potential invite for Christmas dinner with a lot of IFS 🙂 I seem to have hit a quiet spot in myself. Probably to cope with the overwhelm I am feeling, the emotions and such. I discovered last night that my uncle may be missing. I have been somewhat frantically (around my life) trying to make further inquiries as to assess the truth of the situation. He lives in a whole other continent across the world from me so that makes things a little more challenging. Will try not to let it overtake me and my life. One day at a time. I hope you have a good Christmas as well.

Thank you boltnrun.

Life would be wonderful if it was that simple eh.

Thank you.

Thanks for sharing your journey. No, I don't feel better. Time I guess. Who knows. I'm tired of life. I'm tired in general. It's very late here. Got a big day tomorrow and I'm not really up for it. Not been a good say today. Thanks for the comments.

Dude I do not know you at all. I have only just joined this site. If what the other members are saying are true, and you are married, get the hell of bumble and let this woman go. It is a dating app, not a friends app. Put this focus and energy you are giving to this person into your wife and marriage instead. Be concerned, loving and kind to your wife not some person who is in their own private sh...t storm that you have never even met. Just get the heck off bumble, end this whatever it is and get back to your wife and marriage. It sounds like you need to go talk to a therapist and get yourself on track as well. Harsh I know but you need harsh REALITY right now.

I am going to be as honest as I can in this post. Just today I have been thinking about family. I do not think of them often. My memories of them are not always nice and pleasant and the ones that I thought were nice and pleasant are marred by the horrible times. I am estranged from all family. The ones I would speak with are deceased now. I actually have a very large family. I have 10 cousins all still surviving. All my grandparents are deceased. I have two uncles, 1 deceased and the other still surviving maybe? He has just disappeared off the face of the earth. 2 aunts. 1 sister and 1 niece. I speak to nobody at all. I am estranged from all of the living family members. I have absolutely no relationship at all with my father nor mother. I have made peace within myself that I truly do need to stay away from my father. It has been 13 years since I have seen him now and he has absolutely no interest in me whatsoever. The feelings are mutual. I cut all contact with my mother in December 2019. That was an excruciating and painful time/decision for me. So, it has been four years almost now since I have seen or spoken to my mother. The only times I have spoken to her have been via email. Once to inform her about her final will and her funeral. I was advising her that I would not be carrying out anything she had put me in charge of. Executor of her will and arranging her funeral. It had all been left up to me. That was excruciating and painful to do as well. Once was a very brief thank you for the ecard she sent me for my birthday. The last time I emailed her was to tell her to stop sending me an ecard every year on my birthday. I do not hear from her at any other time in the year and she has really made no effort at all to reach out or to attempt to genuinely build a relationship with me without abuse involved. When I cut contact with my mom, automatically my sister stopped speaking to me to. That also resulted in a relationship failing with my niece who was the absolute love of my life. When I cut contact with my mom, a month later I relocated over 4000 kilometres away. I had no reason to stay in my hometown anymore and I needed to move away for my own reasons. I have been trying to heal from a lifetime of abuse by both parents in these last four years. I cannot put into words of the harsh reality of how hard it is to heal from what I account for at least 34 years of serious abuse and many different types of abuse from those two alone. Like many people who are abused from a young age and it carries on, many do not even know it was abuse or is abuse. It took me till the age of 40 to realise and it was like an avalanche, tsunami and hurricane all at once going on inside me when the realisations of abuse throughout my life had been happening. It has been so very long since I even spoke to any extended family. I do not speak to one aunt (mothers side) because in many ways she enabled my mother and my cousins who are that aunts children, seemed to have had the attitude "how dare you leave your mothers side". They live in another part of the world and have absolutely no idea what my life has been like. So, I do not speak with them. Four of my other cousins on my mothers side, I cannot find them. I do not now where they are and I cannot find them. I am sure with a bit of leg work and investigation I could possibly find them but it is not guaranteed. I know three of them live in Holland and one lives in South Africa. Then that leaves three others cousins. I know where they are and I know I can find them. They are on my fathers side. What has stopped me is further pain and judgement. Again, these people have absolutely no idea what either of my parents were doing to me. Sometimes I think to myself, maybe they should know but I venture no further than that. I have done all I am able to stay in touch with my niece. It was not her fault what anyone did. Unfortunately I did not receive correspondence back. My sister was/is very controlling of my niece. My niece has not developed her own thoughts/feelings and such. I have seen it. My nice will be going on 17 soon. I grieve for the years I have missed that I did not want to miss. I was a very good aunt to my niece. I provided things for her that her mother and grandmother could not. I wanted to be a really good influence in her life, a good role model and someone to turn to when mom and grandma wasn't an option for her. Through their controlling ways and jealousy they not only robbed me of that opportunity, they robbed my niece of that opportunity as well. So, I am 43 years old now and today I find myself thinking what the heck do I even do anymore. Do, I keep living my life without any of them as I have been or do I try cultivate a relationship of sorts with the ones that will be safe to do so with? It is hard living without any family at all. So damn hard. I am used to it now of course. I have pretty much had no family for a very long time now. I just thought it would be nice once in a while to have at least one family member to contact now and then and say hi. It has taken me quite a lot to write this email and "talk" about my life. No doubt I will experience some heartache the next few days but better out than in.

Thank you, and I will keep plodding on 🙂

I have mentioned in one of my posts that I am currently studying a course but I did not mention I am actually studying two courses. The one I am having issues in regard to communication with instructors is not the one I am talking about here. I wanted to share that I got a 100% passmark on the self assessment and a 100% passmark on the assessment that I handed in yesterday for my second module. I also got really great feedback regarding my mark and my efforts. I am really proud of me. I have done an amazing job considering everything I have going on personally right now. I am proud of me. It is hard to give myself the credit that is due but I am working on doing it more often. I do not always recognise when I need to give myself credit. It has been just barely over three months since I exited rough sleeping. I slept on the streets for around three months. It was absolute hell going through it and it was hell before I ended up sleeping on the streets. I still have my struggles, however I am noting today that I am doing well. Since exiting rough sleeping, I have now got stable accommodation. I organised therapy for myself and go once a week. I have returned to my studies and am going to finish them. These are just further studies in what I am already experienced in. I have got myself a new volunteer position in something I am very interested in and it is not easy to get this specific volunteer position. They are rare opportunities. I have tackled doing some very painful family things which did set me back for a while. I joined a job network member so I could have support with re - entry to working again. So, with all of this going on and everything I have been through this year, I am really proud of my marks. It felt lovely to get the nice feedback from my instructor as well. I know that people refer to resilience a lot to me. I am tired of resilience though. I do not want reasons to be resilient anymore. I would like a very long break from having to find reasons to be resilient. It has taken so much hard work and effort to re - build my life again. I have more to go of course. Yet, thus far I am proud of what I have done within these last three months.

I don't know what to say. It's just not a good day. Thanks for your input.

I also feel it is this time of the year for me which is clouding a lot of things. I am sure everyone knows what season it is so I do not need to point that out. Every year this is a really difficult time for me. It signifies loss and a lot of it at this time of year. It may be the past but there are anniversaries. I also am not privileged and have not been so going on year four now to be able to see any family nor contact them. (Estranged) I have zero family. Not even extended family. I do not have any friends yet, still re-building and even if I had friends I would not feel comfortable encroaching on their Christmas. It is just going to have to be one day at a time for me and when that is too much, just one minute at a time. I am exhausted, it has been a big year this year. I have to deal with it all in my own way. I just think this is clouding things.

Thanks for sharing your experience. We all have different personalities and different ways of going about things for ourselves. I'll figure out my way forward.

I don't know where the idea came from either. Knowing the reasons would not change how I feel so the reasons are irrelevant to me. What I need to do for me is to change things that need changing so I do not experience these things as much any longer. I need to look a little deeper into it. In saying that, I do believe that from these incidents, consequences need to be delivered. People are not going to learn anything if you enable it by accepting it. To me it is not acceptable. I've given too much rope to people for a long time and I need to stop giving too much rope. I'll figure out a way to deal with these two situations and deliver consequences sensibly and maturely. These people are adults, not children. Just because they have nice attributes about them does not make these choices OK. It's taken me a lot of hard work and time to speak my mind and see things for what they are instead of what I'd like them to be. I think letting these people know that you were no longer interested in volunteering for them and why was a good move. Thus person was clearly doing what she did with intention. I would have walked away as well and I do hope they dealt with her too. Did you get a response when you said no to them and why?

Before I vent, I will admit I am feeling extremely angry and irritable right now. It's been a build up. Whatever you choose to respond with, do not adopt fixing, rescuing or saving behaviours. That's toxic. I'll do all that for myself. Please do not tell me maybe talking to a therapist or friend would help. If I wanted to do that, I certainly would not be here writing this. I'd be seeing a therapist or friend. I'm.a communicator. I believe in good communication. I am aware that there are many that lack good communication skills. I'm aware many do not place an importance on this at all. I try work with it when I come across these people, however when it is people that adequate communication is needed and it's falling short, I can't deal with it long term. Here are a few scenarios, real life that I'm having difficulty with. 1. I'm studying a course online. The instructors live in Melbourne, I live in Perth. I have a FB group I can go to for support and the instructors email. I've been studying and sometimes I need answers to questions about course content or something I'm struggling with. The Facebook group although quite a lot of members is very inactive. I've even stopped using it for help regarding the course. I let the instructor know that I sent them an email regarding course content and some help. Four days later....still no response to my email. This is a pattern though and not the first time. It's the point of truly quitting this course as a result. I'm feeling angry at the lack of communication and not being able to move forward because I'm constantly waiting. I don't feel I should need to chase people or follow up on asking for a response. They have received the email too. 2. I went for an interview last week for a voluntary position. Yes, I got the position. I was so very excited. That was last Thursday. It is now Tuesday. I've taken into account and always do that people are busy. I allow at least two days between emails for a response and a bit longer if an email is sent over a weekend. In this situation though, I'm waiting on really important info they said they would send to me after the interview was over. I sent through an email yesterday, inquiring about it and asking a few other things. I had to send some other emails related to the position a few days back. I have had no acknowledgement or response to any of my emails. There are other recent incidents I won't mention but they all lead to the same outcome. No response. I absolutely flat out refuse to chase adult people who are old enough to have learnt communication skills and how to communicate bit choose to make all sorts of excuses when confronted about it and make no improvements or apologies for their tardiness. I'm tired of raising issues to be resolved. I'm just darn tired of it all. I no longer have the energy for it. This course meant a lot to me when I started. I was excited. This volunteer position meant a lot to me when I started. I was excited. I genuinely felt happiness and excitement. Having so many experiences recently of these things happening is really just bringing me down quite a lot. I feel my expectations are not unrealistic and I have made allowances. I also have a life with other commitments so I try develop a routine and factor in time for a new volunteer position plus studying online. I make the time because these things meant a great deal to me. This lack of communication does affect me and my life. Then whenever the person feels it's convenient for them, and they decide to email, I've already moved on. I feel the only way for people to learn now is deal with the consequences that come from making their own choices. It is a choice to not communicate and it is a choice to make excuses. I feel if you are generally not in front of them, technology is a good excuse to use as to not have to respond. Some people may see my vent as being minor and that is fine. To me it is not minor. It's clearly upsetting me and affecting my life. I'm getting depressed and despondent because it's just happening too much. I don't like communication via email, text, messenger or through apps. I'm an in person kind of person. It's the way of the world now bit it doesn't mean it works for me. I'm at a crossroads and I'm really not coping anymore with this cr.p. I'm at the point now where I just don't even want to be bothered opening my emails and if I do get an email, they will now have to wait until I'm ready to respond and if I feel like responding. It's just not worth what I'm going through anymore. Communication is important to me and I don't think there is anything wrong with that at all.

Well there is only so much you can take before you need a break. Continue enjoying being by yourself and as you said someone may come along that changes your mind. Let it be and wait and see.

Thanks to both of your posts with your shares and inputs. I'm going through a quiet/low energy phase at the moment, so not a lot to say. I appreciate what you have shared. I've already made up my own mind from what has been shared and am a believer in just listening to myself and doing what feels right to me and for me. I've been asked on a few dates these last few months as organically. I've turned all of them down kindly and politely because for me there was absolutely zero interest and I knew it was people I could not and would not be with due to incompatibility and also not wanting to be in a relationship at this point in my life. I miss a lot of things but I don't necessarily need to be in a relationship to no longer miss those things.

Thanks to the collective for all the responses. You've been heard. Again learnt a lot from the responses. I'm an INFJ personality type so I usually take the time to process before responding to anything if I'm going to respond. I also study, work and have commitments of my own so I don't always have the time to sit and craft proper responses. I don't really like shooting off ill prepared responses so sometimes I just may not comment or I will comment at a time I am not busy and have had time to think. That's just how I roll 🙂 Thanks for taking the time in your responses.

I'm responding to the collective rather than individually. All the input has helped me to learn more. Thanks for the input. When I feel ready to date again, I now know online dating is a no go for me. I've done quite a lot of it in the past and have ended up in a relationship using this method. In saying that it is the past and that would not work for me anymore. Real life meeting is much better for me. I can see that online dating (although you can get dates and meet people) is just not my preference. I don't knock it. I've tried it and upon reflection it's just not for me. I'll go organic when I'm ready. Until then I'm just enjoying my life, prioritising myself and enjoying my freedom to do what I want to do and focus on my healing. I'm grateful for the input. I've learnt a lot of good things. Thank you.