treasure_island

You need to figure out why you buy these things. Is there an emptiness somewhere deep inside you that you want to make up for it by buying stuff? Addiction of any kind means there's emptiness somewhere, and you are self-soothing yourself by purchasing stuff. Then you get "high" and you feel great, but it wears off, and you start all over again.

I don't give myself a pass, but it's safe to say that southern california is more materialistic then, say oklahoma. No I only look someone deep in their eyes if I'm attracted to them. It's sacred for me. I don't do that with someone I'm not attracted to. I didn't do that with this particular guy.

This one was actually pretty good looking too. And yes I did evaluate his other personal characteristics, I just didn't write about them on this forum. This post is specifically about whether or not he's stingy, and I received a wide range of answers. It's such a controversial topic with no right or wrong answer. And I did tell him (twice) that I don't wanna continue dating him, but he tried to change my mind. And I did date men from all income levels and have fallen in love with both stingy and/or generous men. I know my post sounds like I'm the stingy/materialistic one, and I apologize for that, but it was just a question that happens to revolve around money. Of course deep down I know that not all of life/relationships revolve around money. I apologize if my post sounds that way though.

yes, it's so subjective. So many factors are involved. I understand that my post mostly revolves around money and how the guy spends money on the girl, so therefore other people might think I'm just some materialistic girl who is looking for a rich guy. But truth is, of course I evaluate other qualities of this guy too. My question on my first post was very subjective and obviously there are many answers to this controversial topic. It's just that people are different, with different dating styles and different expectations. To each their own. I think sydney probably has amazing ferries and I wouldn't mind going on a date on those ferries. However the boat ride he suggested was more like the picture below. I just didn't feel enough trust or attraction toward that guy to go on a boat like that.

Yeah I've dated all kinds of men from different income levels. Some were stingy and some were generous, and it had nothing to do with their incomes. And I have fallen in love with both stingy and generous men in the past. This particular guy wasn't flashy at all (which I liked) and seemed very humble. And after the first date I was actually still interested in seeing him again (despite the bad restaurant). But when we talked on the phone and he suggested coming to his place for 2nd date, everything just fell apart in my eyes... and my guards went up and I started dissecting everything that happened the first date, and everything he said and did on second date. It just wasn't meant to be I guess. Like you said, they won't change.

Back in the day when gender roles were more prominent, there's no way a guy would ask a girl to come to his house for 2nd date. Especially if he didn't put in much effort for 1st date. He's not weak b/c he's not spending money, he's weak b/c he's being too "chill" and not properly planning dates, while at the same time hoping to sleep with the girl asap.

I don't expect prestigious 5 star restaurant on the first date or any other date, but I did expect that he take me to a normal, basic restaurant. He didn't work that day, so he had time to look up restaurants, rather than finding something on the go. And after that first date that he didn't plan out well, he had the guts to ask me to drive an hour to his place. Not that I would go to his house even if he took me to a 5 star restaurants....but still. He seems to me like he doesn't know how to properly court a girl.

It all sounds fishy. Trust your gut. If you believe that he's cheating/lying, then you have your reasons and you are probably right. Make your decision to break up with him and be firm. Don't give in to his "explanations" and "apologies"

yes, it's like gaslighting and he's a full blown narcissist. they blame everything on you. You're insecure, or this or that, that's why the relationship isn't working. So it's all your fault. If only you weren't so insecure, then you deserve his love.... it's all bull***. Run as fast as you can. Besides, I never liked when people call their partners insecure. He probably made you feel insecure, doesn't mean you are insecure. The most confident people can feel insecure b/c they are dating a narcissist. Narcissists do that. They lower your self esteem, degrade you, then call you insecure and leave you. Then they return to see if you have worked on your ''insecurities"'. Classic.

Don't pressure her into climaxing. Some women fake it b/c they feel pressured and don't wanna make the man feel bad. In order to orgasm, the woman needs to relax physically, mentally, emotionally. If the woman doesn't feel like orgasming, then she shouldn't. There should be no pressure. Sex can be beautiful without orgasms too. Just make her feel comfortable. Tell her that if she doesn't want to climax it's ok, and to enjoy the moment. There's no confrontation in that. Either way, you make sure you are pleasing her very well.

Don't date projects. Date someone that is good to your heart and your soul. That you can build a peaceful, flourishing life with. You have to make a list of your must have's and dealbreakers to get to your goal faster and not waste time. But of course also have realistic expectations. I know it's frustrating.....I'm going through the same thing. But right now I'm at a point where I'm happily single and taking care of myself, and not dating just anyone that comes my way, just because I wanna be with someone. It's somewhat liberating to know that I don't have to deal with relationship bs. But don't get me wrong, I also love being in relationships, as long as it's healthy and deep. But right now I'm not that lucky. But I make the best out of it. Keep yourself busy and do things you truly enjoy doing. I know it's cliche but these things really enrich your life. Become obsessed with a topic, or some sort of activity. Read about it, learn about it. Shoot a text to an old friend to catch up. Enjoy nature, make meal plans and cook new recipes. Bake cookies and bring them to work. Your coworkers will appreciate it. If they go to happy hour after work, join them. Therapy can help too. Helps you dissect everything to look at things more objectively. All I know is life is short, and it's meant to be enjoyed (without hurting anyone in the process). What were the chances that your parents met in the past and got together? Then it took 1 out of the millions of sperm and 1 of the 100s and 1000s of eggs, and you were created? Chances were actually very low that you were created, but it happened and here you are! Healthy! Life is truly a gift. Ok. I'm getting way too philosophical. But it's true..

so basically you're not on talking terms? you can still be in contact with her, that's not a problem. Check in with her periodically and keep it low key (if she even responds). Then, once the cycle is over, that's when you talk about where your relationship is going. If you want to break up, I wouldn't start dating anyone right now though, b/c you two are still together. You gotta stay loyal. Most important thing right now is WHAT you wanna do regarding your relationship, not WHEN you're gonna do it. If you wanna stay with her you stay with her. If you wanna break up, you should break up once the cycle is over, but not now, b/c she's not hearing you.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, it's very tough when your partner has condition that isn't even her fault. Truth is, with manic/depressive states, it's an ongoing cycle. She will need ongoing therapy, and even if one med works at one point, another problem arises. I'm no mental health expert, but I know that for you as the partner it takes a toll. You have to make an executive decision at this point. I assume you haven't officially broken up. You need to plan long-term and decide if you want to be with her for the rest of your life. The cycles will keep happening, question is, are you ok to stick to her while they're happening? If yes, then you are still a couple and you should take care of her, it's your responsibility as an empathetic partner. If you're not ok with the cycles, if they affect your mental health and your aspirations, then you need to leave for good. It's a tough decision. I know you love each other and that makes it harder. If you do decide to break up, wait until she calms down and she can hear you. That way you can openly discuss everything with her. Only you know what's best. Good luck!

It just shows that you have empathy and you try to grow and learn from your mistakes (if you even made mistakes...maybe you didn't make any mistakes even?). Remember, he raised hand on you, so that tells you everything you need to know. That guy is a pos. A man who raises hand on a woman is not a man, no matter what mistakes she made. Always remember that. Sometimes we think of our exes maybe as a way of self-reflection. Sometimes it can be nostalgia. Do you really miss the old times with your ex, even the good times? What I do is ...even if I remember the good times, I quickly remember the bad times and it's like ok...nevermind...that guy was a jerk. Talking to a trusted person helps too, someone who knows or has met your ex. But remember how far you have come, you found a man who adores you. And that's so so important. Having a caring nice partner is one of the most important things in life, and you have that. You got this!

That's because you two already had a history and there was some sort of attachment already. You already saw each other in every way beforehand. You were not strangers. Totally different dynamic. Men don't directly ask us to spend money to look good, but every man wants a good looking woman (for the most part), at least presentable woman, especially when he first sees her. And that involves spending money in order to look presentable. Unless the woman is so absolutely gorgeous that when rolls out of bed she attracts any man she wants without even washing her face. I'm no Angelina Jolie so.... Also, if a woman takes care of herself, her clothes, her skin, her face, hair....not only does she have higher chances to attract men, she also shows the man that she loves herself, she takes care of herself. It's visual attraction first, then personality later. I dress by occasion, of course when I go on a hiking date I don't wear a dress and heels, but I make sure my hair looks nice, my eyebrows are not a jungle...you know? Getting eyebrows done costs money...LOL.

You and I speak the same language. Yeah, I know an online forum is not the best place to ask these questions. Gotta have thick skin for all the responses I might get... LOL. I appreciate all the responses though. I basically kept him on read. I don't wanna tell him all the reasons we are not compatible b/c I don't want him to think I'm materialistic. Although keeping him on read is not great either. It's a double edged sword.

I kept a record b/c I was extremely alert (remember he asked me to come to his house for 2nd date). I paid attention to everything. his words too. His stories, everything. about the similar income levels, honestly there's no right or wrong, but this is how I feel: I get that women have advanced alot in the past 100 years, with careers and everything. but it doesn't mean men should regress. Equality provides women with great opportunities in that they can survive and thrive on their own. No matter if they are married, single, widowed etc. Problem is, women have become stronger and men have become weaker. And this is bad for both genders in the long run. Men have become less masculine, and women have to compensate for that. I like strong masculine men who lead and who prepare for dates that are acceptable for the given weather conditions. If a man asks me to drive an hour to see him, and potentially have sex with him later, does it sound like he's putting in any effort? If he wants sex he needs to earn it. That's how it's always been. I know it sounds outdated. Maybe that's why casual flings and hookups are so much on the rise. Women have to be the gatekeepers and have standards, otherwise men will have sex with pretty much everyone. And again, in my experience, the stingy guys I dated ended up being the most toxic, while the generous ones took care of my heart and my soul. I hate how it played out. That's why I've been paying attention to how much he spent on me. Maybe it's all just a trauma response. All of this is just my opinion of course, and all if it is very controversial.

you were coworkers, you already had a foundation. completely different dynamic. If he was a stranger from online, it's a different ball game. He was your coworker so there was a little bit of politics involved too. As in if, hypothetically, you didn't like the date and therefore didn't wanna pursue him, there's a chance things might have become awkward at work. But luckily, your relationship flourished. I would have done the same as you, I would have pursued him despite him forgetting his wallet.

No not at all. I've gone on a date with someone before where we didn't even have dinner. We just laid on the beach and he brought tea and cookies from home. Several other times I cooked food and we had picnics. I was in love with that guy, but he wasn't. There was tons of chemistry and attraction and the relationship lasted 8 months. Unfortunately he was very materialistic and was upset that I don't have my own business or property (even though he didn't either). The guy broke up with me b/c my menstrual cramps were severe after I froze my eggs and my hormones were going crazy. (but that's another story for another day...lol) I know my original post sounds materialistic and that I'm nickel and diming everything, but I've dated all kinds of guys (stingy to generous). This post was about one specific guy and I was curious about other peoples opinions. I'm grateful for all the responses.

Yes I dissected his every move b/c his original plan for second date was to go to his house for bbq. My guards were up and I was alert about every single thing. If that made him uncomfortable, so be it. I was made uncomfortable by him to when he invited me to his house. Alot of the posters here say I shouldn't even have gone to second date with him b/c of exactly that. Maybe I'm not a good candidate, but he's the one still following up with me to change my mind and to continue dating him. But he needs someone who is ok to do picnic with a stranger in the cold.

I'm nickel and diming him in order to be objective. Remember, he didn't properly plan the first date. I'm sure he would never take his parents to that kind of restaurant either. It was that bad. Other than that, he was nice and the conversation was nice, maybe the fact that his longest relationship was only 1 year at 38 years old, was another minor issue. And the fact that he doesn't wanna apply for US citizenship b/c he wants to keep the austrian passport. This post is specifically about money, but there's other issues too that I briefly discussed. yes, remember, your husband went all out when he courted you. Did this guy go all out while courting me? obviously no. He courted you b/c he liked you and took you serious. He took you to europe after 3 months. Many women can't say that about their boyfriends. Of course if someone takes me to europe, i'm not gonna complain about food. I wouldn't complaint about hotels either. Because he's taking me to freaking europe! Europe generally has awesome food at lower prices. In europe everything just tastes better. The place he took me was cheap and didn't taste good. I know this sounds like i'm complaining, but if you husband didn't court you as well as he did and had the above red flags, would you continue pursuing him? Given that you have zero romantic feelings for him already (bc that's my situation..lol).

yes it's definitely a cultural thing. I also live in southern california so I'm sure that plays a role. This area is just more materialistic. Both men and women are. I dated a guy who was upset that I don't have my own business or that I don't own a property (mind you, he didn't either). That I should not get my nails, eyebrows and hair done in order to save money. Same guy asked me to book an airbnb for our trip and said he will pay me back, but during the trip, he told me he doesn't wanna be financially burdened in the future if one of my elderly parents dies. I was very sad about this kind of depressing conversation during our supposedly romantic trip, so when he actually wanted to pay me back, I said it's ok, you don't have to it's on me. I did that b/c god forbid "he doesn't wanna be financially burdened" Another asked for his money back after date 1, because I didn't feel the connection for date 2 (it was only $20 but still). So don't get me wrong, I have dated stingy men to generous men. It's an interesting mix. The stingy ones cause me the most trauma. That's why my guards are up and I notice every single detail. A boat ride and a picnic is nice if attraction is there, but not if he didn't prepare well for the previous date when he had all the time in the world to do so.

Yeah I know, because the lack of preparation on his part on date 1, combined with suggesting his place on date 2 already set the tone. I was basically trying to see if he's cheap as in...is there another red flag? But at this point it doesn't matter anymore, b/c we are incompatible..for many reasons.

I just mentioned those numbers so you guys have more data to work with..Also because my guards were way up b/c to me, the fact that he asked me to come to his house on second date was inappropriate (I understand that cooking for someone might be romantic to some people). So that kinda set the tone and I was alert about everything he said and did. Maybe it was a defense mechanism on my part. I tried to enjoy his company, believe me. I wanted to get to know him and asked him questions. But no I wasn't flirting with him, or looking him deep in the eyes like I usually do during romantic dinners, b/c I was still processing his past behavior.

yeah, first meeting he suggested we meet halfway, so about 30 min drive for each of us. I would have preferred a place near me, but I was being too accomodating and tried to be fair. yes boat rides and picnics are horrible ideas. and kinda scary. He's a stranger after all, no matter how legit he seems on google and facebook. yes, I should be more in charge, you're absolutely right. My problem is I like men who lead, which is a good thing and a bad thing. Mostly a bad thing when meeting a stranger though.