Found a girls number saved in my partners phone under a guys name

[Heartbrokenchick]

Please let me know if you think I’m jumping to conclusions.
 

a little back story, I am 33 years old and have had many relationships through my lifetime so I feel as though I’m pretty much experienced when it comes to a unfaithful partner from the things they say and do. 
 

my partner and I have been together for over 2 years, we have children together. 
when we first got together I made it known to other men that were interested in taking me on a date that I seeing somebody and do not want to be disrespectful by speaking to other men when I am seeing how things are going. He has shown his jealous side towards me regarding this despite me being 100% faithful and loyal to him. 
In the past he has done things “keeping contact with females that have been interested in him” kept countless females on his social media. 
I found out in the middle of last year he was communicating with a family members ex fling through Snapchat, I have no idea what they spoke about. 
Even despite my loyalty he has accused me of being deceitful and speaking to other men. I have never done that and never we as I thought we were trying to build a life together. 
He has said things to me that have triggered me from things in the past with exes cheating on me and doing similar things, I went through his phone yesterday please I do not need to be told it is wrong.

I checked his Snapchat I’m not sure whether this person was in “ignored from added me” or “hidden in quick add” 

the name was a first and last name of a guy for example “Marky Gordon” which is a linked Snapchat to a contact saved in his phone. The only reason this stuck out to me was that the username was for example crystalbent with a blonde female bitmoji. 

I did some more digging and realised he has the same person saved twice in his phone as “mark Gordon” “marky Gordon”. 
I did some Facebook stalking and found a girl in her twenties with the same name from our town. She has no mutual friends of ours. She has a boyfriend. 
now I know unused numbers will be recycled and be given to another person by the provider if they haven’t been used but he has not spoken through text to the real “Mark Gordon” in years. 
 

my partner rarely goes out drinking, he works in construction so there is no women on his job site. I do not know what to think of this & I don’t want to be paranoid due to past experiences. I just don’t know where he would have met this girl, or if it’s an honest mistake with a wrong number. 
 

 

[LootieTootie]

Never procreate with a raging jealous who is as vindictive as a crazy ex girlfriend.

I would just break up with this man. He doesn't seem to respect you and you're going through his phone and you should never have to or feel the need to. 

Are you staying in this relationship for the children?

[Heartbrokenchick]

1 minute ago, LootieTootie said:

Never procreate with a raging jealous who is as vindictive as a crazy ex girlfriend.

I would just break up with this man. He doesn't seem to respect you and you're going through his phone and you should never have to or feel the need to. 

Are you staying in this relationship for the children?

I’m staying in the relationship because I’m in love with him and we have children together. 
up until this point I didn’t think there we anything to be worried about.

[Kwothe28]

7 minutes ago, Heartbrokenchick said:

up until this point I didn’t think there we anything to be worried about.

Really? Because signs were pretty clear.

He has accused of being deceiful as a form of deflection. People who cheat think because they are like that, their partner also cant be faithful. So if they are hiding something, their partner is also hiding something according to them. Plus, if they cheat, they can just say "Ha, but you were cheating on me too" as a form of justification of their action. 

So, having a kids or not there, signs are pretty clear that he is a cheater. And that yes, you should get out of there as somebody like that would only follow the same behavior with you. Why do you think he hides some 20 year old phone number? And what that means?

[Heartbrokenchick]

20 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Really? Because signs were pretty clear.

He has accused of being deceiful as a form of deflection. People who cheat think because they are like that, their partner also cant be faithful. So if they are hiding something, their partner is also hiding something according to them. Plus, if they cheat, they can just say "Ha, but you were cheating on me too" as a form of justification of their action. 

So, having a kids or not there, signs are pretty clear that he is a cheater. And that yes, you should get out of there as somebody like that would only follow the same behavior with you. Why do you think he hides some 20 year old phone number? And what that means?

Yes I am aware cheaters can do the deflecting 

[boltnrun]

So that's why he was giving you so much crap for allegedly saying some man's name in your sleep. He's accusing you to hide his own deceitful behavior.

This relationship is unhealthy and full of distrust and hiding behaviors. 

Can you tolerate another 30-40 years of this?

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Heartbrokenchick said:

Yes I am aware cheaters can do the deflecting 

That is likely what is going on here. 

He knows what he is doing when you're looking, so he assumes you are capable of the same thing. 

I'm sorry. It doesn't look good. 

EDIT: You're the same poster whose partner accused you of saying another man's name in your sleep and freaked out on you, right? This is also very suspect on his part. He's creating a lot of noise to keep you from finding out about his secret side chick. 

[Jaunty]

The number in the phone is not the big problem.  The big problem is that he treats you badly and is probably verbally abusive at least when he's having his jealousy outbursts.  

[Heartbrokenchick]

52 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

That is likely what is going on here. 

He knows what he is doing when you're looking, so he assumes you are capable of the same thing. 

I'm sorry. It doesn't look good. 

EDIT: You're the same poster whose partner accused you of saying another man's name in your sleep and freaked out on you, right? This is also very suspect on his part. He's creating a lot of noise to keep you from finding out about his secret side chick. 

Yess I’m the same poster 

[MissCanuck]

46 minutes ago, Heartbrokenchick said:

Yess I’m the same poster 

So, what are these ref flags telling you about this guy? 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Heartbrokenchick said:

 I’m in love with him and we have children together. 
up until this point I didn’t think there we anything to be worried about.

Focus on building trust and being good parents. There's been issues all along with who's cheating on whom. That's not going to help you two build trust or focus on family and parenting. Make sure issues from the past stay in the past.

[DarkCh0c0]

10 hours ago, Heartbrokenchick said:

I’m staying in the relationship because I’m in love with him and we have children together. 

Yes, but loving him is not your purpose in life.

When you date someone, you need to focus on observing if they can be a good partner to you. If you see red flags, you walk away instead of pushing them under the rug. You do this to protect yourself and make sure you have a loyal and dedicated partner and father.

I'm very sorry that you're going through this. I suggest you tune in more with your gut feelings and how you feel overall in this relationship. Do you feel valued? Special? Safe?

There's a reason you came here to this forum, so listen to where it's coming from.

[Batya33]

Why in the world are you not allowed to speak to other men and why did you have to make speeches to men who asked you out back then as opposed to "thanks for asking and I am not available to date right now" - did you feel like you had to show your partner how "super loyal" you were because all these potential suitors were told you could not even speak to another man let alone go on a date out of "respect?" 

I respect if a couple decides "speaking" to members of the opposite sex is disloyal but it sounds like there wasn't that agreement. 

It sounds like you felt you had to prove you were 100% loyal.

I've been with my husband 16 years and I never had to prove a thing -neither did he to me.  I simply trust him, I always knew we were on the same page as far as wanting to be together, I don't keep tabs on how long he works or even notice that he doesn't go out drinking (he doesn't -many years ago he'd have a few beers with his colleagues after work -never ever occurred to me that this was any risk of cheating -cause it wasn't -he's a man of character and integrity, the end). 

If your partner wants to cheat he will whether he's doing construction, whether he drinks alcohol or abstains or has an occasional beer with his buddies. 

From all you've written he is not a person of character and integrity.  But you love him is kind of besides the point.  What is the point is focusing on the best interests of the children and perhaps coming up with a good co-parenting plan so you can be 100% loyal to your kids. 

You're very intensely focused on listing and mentioning all the ways you are squeaky clean and loyal with your partner -transfer that energy to doing all the ways you are going to act in the best interests of your children.  I'm not sure your relationship with him is a good role model for them.  What do you think? 

[Lambert]

I agree with the others.  His behavior is suspect at best, abusive and cheating at worst. 

Maybe you should just tell him- you're always so suspicious of me, but I found this in your phone.... And don't take any of his crap.

You walk on eggshells to not blow this thing up,  but he blows it up when he wants. 

I've been there. I lived with a hot head, bully, suspicious, jealous type. I thank God everyday I got away from him.  Did I love him?  I did.  It wasn't enough.

I will always appreciate our good times. But I found the unbalance of the relationship, our personalitie and ways of handling problems so different.  I could no longer deny who I really was.  And at the end of the day, I have to be my number one priority. I have to put my oxygen mask on before I can help others. 

I think you know the answer to your problem. It's just really hard to accept.  I'm sorry.

[Lambert]

12 hours ago, Heartbrokenchick said:

now I know unused numbers will be recycled and be given to another person by the provider if they haven’t been used 

This is really reaching for an excuse

[moodindigo91]

15 hours ago, Heartbrokenchick said:

I’m staying in the relationship because I’m in love with him

I mean, if this is the case, and you've made your decision, then what's the point in posting here. You know we are all going to tell you to leave this relationship because you clearly see this guy sucks and you know we see that, too. You need people to tell you to leave.

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I'm not sure your relationship with him is a good role model for them.

It really bothers me when people use their children as an excuse to stay in abusive relationships with crappy people. This is NOT a good example for your children. Do you have daughters? Do you want them to grow up thinking it's okay for a man to disrespect them, lie to them, act jealous and controlling toward them, etc.? Do you have sons? Do you want them to grow up thinking it's okay to treat women like they are play things? 

I mean. Come on. Your children deserve better. You deserve better. 

[waffle]

10 hours ago, Jaunty said:

The number in the phone is not the big problem.  The big problem is that he treats you badly and is probably verbally abusive at least when he's having his jealousy outbursts.  

Agree.  The number in the phone is the very least of your problems.

It does happen that numbers are recycled.  There was a guy who gave me his number some years ago and when I put it in my phone, it was already in there under a former co-worker's name.  She had moved and apparently arranged for a new number and by coincidence this guy ended up with it.  He did say it was a fairly new number, and he and my former co-worker did not know each other at all.  

Incidentally, the guy ended up being mentally unstable and I declined fairly early on.  I'm just saying in rare cases coincidences like this will happen.  But those will happen as a stand-alone event.  The OP has a whole lot more going on here. 

[Andrina]

Wow, your relationship with him was certainly put on fast forward. Two years and two kids. It normally takes two years to know enough about a person to know if he or she will be a good partner, and to wait and see if any skeletons will come clattering out of the closet. 

Just reading about all that toxicity makes me depressed. I can't even imagine living it. You have a high tolerance for dysfunction. Calling you deceitful, and it's so ridiculous to think a woman with two children under the age of two has any time for anything except feeding babies and changing diapers.

I'm very sorry this is the life you've wound up with.

In your shoes, I'd choose to leave and concentrate on getting your children used to a new family dynamic. 

In the future, know a man at least a few years before making major decisions like moving in together and having children with him. Work on your self-esteem so you will eventually not accept unworthy men. Good luck.

[catfeeder]

On 11/10/2022 at 6:58 PM, Heartbrokenchick said:

... he has accused me of being deceitful and speaking to other men.

You may not realize that this would be enough to prompt any healthy women to walk away.

An accusation is aggressive mistreatment. It speaks of the accuser's behavior, and it's possibly a setup for physical abuse.

It says that there is no foundation of trust or safety, just the opposite.

The phone number is the least of your problems, and I'm very sorry. I'd contact your local hospital or a women's shelter for a referral to a case worker or a counselor who specializes in preventing domestic violence. Ask also for legal resources and learn your options to get away from this man safely.

[smackie9]

Your only answer is communication. You will eventually need to approach him on what you know, not what you suspect. Have a lot of questions. Then suggest having a few sessions of couples counselling if the issues can't be resolved.

I suggest you do not back down...because the pattern is, he gets mad, you retreat and go quiet because you fear him leaving you. This method works for him so he's gonna keep doing it. That's emotional blackmail...that's him being an abusive partner. This is how he controls you.

 

[WalterSobcha]

I wouldn't know if he's cheating or not, but people in general tend to make the same mistakes over and over again. You say you are "pretty much experienced when it comes to a unfaithful partner". Is there something that unconsciously attracts you to these kinds of personality types? 

[lostandhurt]

I have a very simple question for you.

If you did get 100% proof he is cheating what would you do?

 

Lost

[Alex39]

On 11/10/2022 at 6:58 PM, Heartbrokenchick said:

Please let me know if you think I’m jumping to conclusions.
 

a little back story, I am 33 years old and have had many relationships through my lifetime so I feel as though I’m pretty much experienced when it comes to a unfaithful partner from the things they say and do. 
 

my partner and I have been together for over 2 years, we have children together. 
when we first got together I made it known to other men that were interested in taking me on a date that I seeing somebody and do not want to be disrespectful by speaking to other men when I am seeing how things are going. He has shown his jealous side towards me regarding this despite me being 100% faithful and loyal to him. 
In the past he has done things “keeping contact with females that have been interested in him” kept countless females on his social media. 
I found out in the middle of last year he was communicating with a family members ex fling through Snapchat, I have no idea what they spoke about. 
Even despite my loyalty he has accused me of being deceitful and speaking to other men. I have never done that and never we as I thought we were trying to build a life together. 
He has said things to me that have triggered me from things in the past with exes cheating on me and doing similar things, I went through his phone yesterday please I do not need to be told it is wrong.

I checked his Snapchat I’m not sure whether this person was in “ignored from added me” or “hidden in quick add” 

the name was a first and last name of a guy for example “Marky Gordon” which is a linked Snapchat to a contact saved in his phone. The only reason this stuck out to me was that the username was for example crystalbent with a blonde female bitmoji. 

I did some more digging and realised he has the same person saved twice in his phone as “mark Gordon” “marky Gordon”. 
I did some Facebook stalking and found a girl in her twenties with the same name from our town. She has no mutual friends of ours. She has a boyfriend. 
now I know unused numbers will be recycled and be given to another person by the provider if they haven’t been used but he has not spoken through text to the real “Mark Gordon” in years. 
 

my partner rarely goes out drinking, he works in construction so there is no women on his job site. I do not know what to think of this & I don’t want to be paranoid due to past experiences. I just don’t know where he would have met this girl, or if it’s an honest mistake with a wrong number. 
 

 

So after reading this. 

1. The fact that you feel like you have to check your partners phone and social media screams volumes. You have no trust. That's a gut instinct. With the right person,  the right loyal person, you wouldn't have to feel this or do this at all. 

2. His constant accusing of you of cheating, seems funny. What makes him think that? I wonder if his own cheating makes him think others will do it on him, as he does on you. 

3. What you found on his phone seems very suspicious. Why is he talking to women, men, that you don't know. If you are a stable, loyal, and a close couple, I'd think you'd know all of each others friends. The fact that you don't know these people is fishy. 

I think you need to decide if this is the life you want. You don't seem to have trust. You can find that elsewhere. 

[Tiddytok5]

He's been cheating probably the entire relationship, plus he's unwell mentally. Leave.

Why do intentionally traumatize your children by staying and exposing them to this toxic dysfunctional chaotic mess??

 

Why did you even conceive children with him in the first place?

 

Leave.

Stop having children together.

Don't continue to allow him access to you, your body, and your womb