My boyfriend lashses out any time I bring up any concerns I have about our relationship

[lilypad502239]

My (29f) boyfriend (30M) and I have been dating for 2.5 years. About 2 of those years have been long distance. We currently live 5.5 hours away from each other. We had some ups and downs in the beginning of our relationship, but I would say for about a year it has been pretty steady for the most part. I still have some reservations though, and I recently brought them up to my boyfriend. Due to how he used to treat me, my family does not like him. My family is really important to me, and it is important that they approve of whoever I end up marrying. Him and I have discussed plans to eventually live together/marriage, and this has been something that keeps lingering over me so I needed to bring it up to him somehow. So, one day he kept saying that he wants to quit his job but is afraid that if he doesn't make enough money then I won't love him. I told him that I don't care about that.

I care about the way he treats me and if my family likes him. I went on to kindly bring up my concerns about my family not liking him, and he got super defensive. He said he was on his "best behavior" when he met them and it still was not good enough. He said it is my fault that they don't like him because I told them all of the bad things he did. While I understand where he is coming from, my family did not know any of the "bad things" he did before meeting him for the first time, and they still were not too fond of him. Dealing with the way he treated me was not easy, and I needed someone to talk to about it so unfortunately, I looked to my sisters for support/guidance. I told him that he just needed to show them how much he has changed.

He proceeded to tell me that my family is a bunch of "f*ggots", and that comment really hurt me and was SO uncalled for. I then brought up my concerns with marriage and potentially having children. He has had two kids who he does not speak to so it concerns me that he will not be 100% present when we have kids. Who am I to think I am any different than the other women he left? He again got very defensive and said that he thinks that I would be a bad parent because I am mentally unstable.  He said that he thinks I would be a bad mom, not present, and mean due to my mental health issues.

This really, really hurt me. I love kids and always thought I would be a great mother one day despite my struggles with mental health. This conversation made me realize that maybe he really has not changed at all and I am even more concerned now that I need to end this relationship. I am #1 tired of long distance and #2 tired of feeling like I am dating his potential instead of facing the reality of who he is. I understand these conversations are not easy and what I said was not easy to hear, but I feel like his responses/reactions were so hurtful and out of line. Any advice/guidance on how to navigate this is greatly appreciated.

[Kwothe28]

What did Marshmallow do now?

(Sorry, its HIMYM joke that I couldnt resist because of your username 😁)

Anyway, he lashes out because he is like that. Hurtful, harsh, abusive. He is not some "project" that needs work so that "future him" would be up to your standards. He is just very bad boyfriend and person in general. Sorry, but sooner you realize that and break that up it will be beter for you. Because, this will continue on. He will not magically change who he is. If you are not long distance it would probably be even worst. Meaning he would continue on with his cycle of abuse. Get away from him yesterday and be thankful you wont be getting into marriage and kids with the person like that.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, lilypad502239 said:

He has had two kids who he does not speak to

So he's a deadbeat type of father. Extremely not capable nor wanting to support your kids should you have any. A man who doesn't take responsibility of his own children. Repulsing ! A Big big red flag.

1 hour ago, lilypad502239 said:

So, one day he kept saying that he wants to quit his job but is afraid that if he doesn't make enough money then I won't love him

That's a manipulative test from him to gauge how attached you are to him and how much BS from him you would put up with.

1 hour ago, lilypad502239 said:

. He proceeded to tell me that my family is a bunch of "f*ggots",

He disrespects you and your loved ones. 

1 hour ago, lilypad502239 said:

He again got very defensive and said that he thinks that I would be a bad parent because I am mentally unstable.  He said that he thinks I would be a bad mom, not present, and mean due to my mental health issues

Again, he disrespects you and partially gaslights you about your mental health. He also uses your vulnerabilities against you.

1 hour ago, lilypad502239 said:

. I care about the way he treats me and if my family likes him

I'm sorry you're going through this. He obviously treats you badly and for some reason you stay. When you stay with a man, you give him the sign that you are okay with his trash behaviour and are willing to put up with it.

But now, with the above, you know that he's manipulative, lazy, disrespectful, non-classy and just unattractive as a partner. Why lower standards so low and stay? Why not actually listen to your family who has your best interest at heart?

1 hour ago, lilypad502239 said:

. Any advice/guidance on how to navigate this is greatly appreciated

Accept him for who he is and accept that this isn't working. You are smart and listed very well reasons to not move forward with this man. He has shown you over and over with his actions that he is NOT partner material.

I suggest you break up with him and don't allow for discussion. He might resort to yelling, making you feel like the bad guy, guilt tripping, threatening, ect. So just don't discuss it. Say this relationship isn't working for you anymore and proceed to cut contact 100%. Do it over the phone. He doesn't deserve driving to him. Once you dump him, don't go back to the trash. Reap the lessons and move on to men who are partner and father material. Move on to men who will treat you right and make you feel special and safe. You are worthy and deserve no less. 

[Coily]

You don’t have a relationship you have a user. This clown doesn’t hold much value in you, I cannot imagine continuing as things will undoubtedly deteriorate.

im very sorry for you having to be in this position.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, lilypad502239 said:

We currently live 5.5 hours away from each other. Due to how he used to treat me, my family does not like him. My family is really important to me, and it is important that they approve of whoever I end up marrying. I am #1 tired of long distance and #2 tired of feeling like I am dating his potential instead of facing the reality of who he is. 

Between the distance, your family's concerns and his attitude, this doesn't seem to be working out. It may be best to cut your losses rather than hope for changes.

[moodindigo91]

12 minutes ago, lilypad502239 said:

I went on to kindly bring up my concerns about my family not liking him, and he got super defensive. He said he was on his "best behavior" when he met them and it still was not good enough.

Honestly, if it is a big deal for you to have your family like and approve of your partner, and your family doesn't like or approve of your partner, why would you bother continuing this relationship? 

Even if he did nothing wrong to you in the past, which it sounds like is NOT the case, having this amount of pressure, of knowing how important it is for your partner for their family to approve of them and also knowing that their family does not, in fact, approve of them, would make feel upset as well. 

This relationship is dead. Your family doesn't approve of him. This is something very important to you. He is who he is and you can't change him. Given that fact, what would be the purpose in remaining together? You're just fostering resentment between the two of you. Time to leave! 

[Cherylyn]

I hope living 5.5 hours away from each other won't impact an already very fragile relationship but I think it does. 

After dating for 2.5 years, you two have too many problems which is alarming and abnormal.  I don't recall my husband and I having problems during our dating phase.  We got along very well and overall still do to this day which should be considered normal and harmonious.

I understand how your family feels.  I don't approve of my BIL (brother-in-law married to my sister) but ultimately, it was her choice and now she has to live with it and him.  I believe in the  'you've made your bed and now you must lie in it'  idiom.  You're responsible for the choices you make in this life,  good,  bad or indifferent.  You are the one who has to live with the harsh consequences which is the price to pay for free will.  Or, you can prevent disaster by using your intelligence. 

My BIL is very controlling and my sister kowtows to her husband in order to keep the peace.  She has to sell her soul in order to pretend all is well.  Even their three children have to accept and tolerate BIL because their choices are limited.  Do you want to end up like my sister?  Is this how you envision your future?  Your boyfriend will always pull your strings for your future.  He'll pull your strings and you will be his puppet. 

Your family will never approve of your boyfriend.  They're using their gut instincts and intuition which is right on the mark.  You are responsible for deciding who is right for you or not.  This is the time when you should exercise discretion because it will save your life long term.

He wants to quit his job?  So, you'll be in charge as the primary breadwinner?  Think again before setting yourself up for disaster.  And, you want children with a guy like this?  Love doesn't pay the rent.

Of course,  he's defensive when you told him that your family doesn't approve of him.  How else is he supposed to react?  Your family doesn't like him for a reason.  This should clue you in that he's not a good fit for you.  It's obvious.

He WAS on his best behavior initially.  Of course, he was.  Then his true colors emerged over time.  It will only grow worse.

Your boyfriend spews derogatory slurs.  Wow.  I'd run for the hills if I were you.  

He doesn't talk to his children?  This will be you.  Read the writing on the wall.  Are you prepared to struggle as a single parent with a non-existent ex husband?  He's already criticizing that you'll become a bad mother.  This is your future which is scary.  To the contrary, he's the one who is unstable and mentally ill.  Listen to common sense. 

Your boyfriend is red flags all over the place.  My advice?  Dump the chump!

 

[MissCanuck]

Your family is right not to like him. I would not want my own (hypothetical) sister anywhere near this guy. They see what you don't want to see yet, which is that there is no future here for you. 

He is verbally abusive, and apparently a deadbeat dad. This is who he is. He would not be any differnet if you two had a baby (please don't have a baby together) 

Kindly bringing up these huge dealbreakers is like nicely asking someone to sprinkle some water on a raging garbage fire - ineffective and useless. The only advice I have is to break up with him immediately. 

[Ocba]

I just ended a relationship with a friend I love dearly because she continually disrespected me.

If you were somebody in my life I would not let this guy near you. He doesn't respect you, and if he says he does it's a lie he uses to suck you in.

 

Walk away.

[Batya33]

If you want children please don't waste your precious fertile years on this man.  I had my son at age 42.  I was so lucky to get pregnant -naturally!! - but wow it was so emotionally stressful to be in a high risk pregnancy despite having such a loving husband who was over the moon thrilled to be a father - no regrets but I tell people who want kids -if you can start trying before age 35, if you are in a healthy, stable  relationship/marriage with someone also 100% enthusiastic about having kids -better overall to try sooner than after 35.  

So if you end things now with him you're young enough to meet someone else, get serious, and start trying to conceive before 35 (egg freezing also an option but expensive!).  

It was important to me that my family like my partner but that was partly because my mom and sister especially are such excellent judges of character so their seal of approval meant a lot to me! (My dad too but my mom and sis were more specific and expressive -my dad, RIP, he adored my husband).  I remember my mom was actually very approving of most of my friends, boyfriends, etc but when she wasn't she chose her words carefully, tried to be fair and wasn't sharing to get me to break up with the person. 

For example, I dated a recovering drug addict a few times. My parents happened to meet him because of an event I invited him to. He'd been sober over a year.  Clean cut, smart, pleasant. 

My mom said that she thought he had a flat way about him -like not boring just sort of no real joie de vivre so to speak.  I was on the fence about him and concerned about relapse (which he was honest with me about).  And what my mom said rang true -it kind of answered for me why I was on the fence, if that makes sense.  

Good luck and yes I would move on. 

[Seraphim]

So , he is a deadbeat , and name calls and can’t have a calm discussion. Girl, RUN AWAY. This man is not boyfriend material let alone marriage material. 

[boltnrun]

10 hours ago, Seraphim said:

So , he is a deadbeat , and name calls and can’t have a calm discussion. Girl, RUN AWAY. This man is not boyfriend material let alone marriage material. 

Marriage to this man would mean a lifetime of this. No, he won't "change", especially if you reward his awful behavior by telling him you love him and marrying him.

[smackie9]

Your family can see right through him/ feel his crappy vibe/attitude. For some reason you keep dismissing his poor behavior. He's being a jerk about it because they are calling him out by not likely him. 

[Lambert]

you might think he'll change or get better with time but he won't.  the only thing that really makes a person change is loss. 

Losing out on something because of their poor behavior. 

If you get fired because your always late.  If you crash your car because you can't remember to put in park. If you can't get a girlfriend because you are emotionally immature.

I was with a guy that I knew deep down loved me, but he couldn't express any emotion other than through anger. It started out as silent treatment or screaming until he calmed down. eventually I realized- this is my life. this is my choice of boyfriends. Someone I no longer respected and who met very few of my needs.

Someday you will get there. trust me and you'll only blame yourself for your tolerance and lack of self respect to end it sooner. 

[Andrina]

Normal parents would die for their children if necessary. He won't even talk to his own kids? The fact you've ever considered him as a prized lifetime partner shows what little self-worth you possess. The good thing is that he's so far away, even if he's pissed off with the breakup, he sounds too lazy to drive all that way to get you back.

Be alone until you work on your self-worth, or you'll just repeat an unending loop of choosing toxic men. 

[catfeeder]

Why are you trying to figure this guy out when you can just listen to your family, instead?

If they are so important to you, why try to deceive them--and yourself--by ignoring this guy's multiple dealbreakers?

 

[SooSad33]

On 10/31/2022 at 1:52 PM, lilypad502239 said:

He proceeded to tell me that my family is a bunch of "f*ggots", and that comment really hurt me and was SO uncalled for. I then brought up my concerns with marriage and potentially having children. He has had two kids who he does not speak to so it concerns me that he will not be 100% present when we have kids. Who am I to think I am any different than the other women he left? He again got very defensive and said that he thinks that I would be a bad parent because I am mentally unstable.  He said that he thinks I would be a bad mom, not present, and mean due to my mental health issues.

Umm, you'd even consider remaining with some creep like this...why? 😕 

You say he lashes out at you, insults & belittles you and your family, blames you for it, etc.

Nope.