Ocba

I can make these promises to all of you: I will not commit suicide. I will stop using the drugs. I'm letting it go. I'm going to join some outdoor clubs and start there, I refuse to allow another day to be consumed in the shadow of regret. I'm also going to start writing. I will not pass on my frustrations, but I will focus on the structure of needs of others, as it is clear to me that too many parents today are as gullible as eve, allowing their loved ones to pass through dark alleys before checking to see if those needs are being met. Additionally, there are too many fatherless and motherless children that lose incredibly precious lessons as a result of not having the parent(s), and it will be rewarding to contribute to their success moving forward. Regards. Ocba

Mate, they had no right with me when I was young, I trusted them when I was in my 20s, I went through trial and error so to speak way too many times to risk their drugs causing more trauma. Psychiatric care should be administered to the seriously ill and scarcely during the developmental stages of life. Anybody can walk into their local drug dealer and get the whole rx of illicit and non-illicit drugs with ease. I have a trigger man, there is a source. I'm not bipolar, I don't cycle through mania. Antidepressants cause mania, mania causes psychosis, and naturally psychosis leads to godhood. Antipsychotics cause extrapyramidal symptoms including mania and psychosis. I have never had mania or psychosis off of their drugs, friend. It is unreasonable to suggest treatment for a disorder a person doesn't have, but it is reasonable to suggest that many of these drugs quite literally cause mental illness in otherwise healthy subjects who've convinced themselves thanks to brilliant rainy day marketing to treat conditions that don't exist in them, yet. I'm tired of it bro. I don't expect you to understand, so I'm not gonna push it, but let me know when you can relate.

I guess so. I've gone 30 years without abusing drugs. I started after my last relationship ended. It's not even fun, just another dead end. I've been unhinged for months since then. All of my old scars started bleeding. I'm in a depressive state, and I went through that for years. Started as depression, then major depression, then bipolar 1. Antidepressants gave me psychosis 3 times, antipsychotics gave me psychosis with a sense of extreme dread--a doctor thought I was schizophrenic at the hospital when he couldn't find drugs in my system, so he administered antipsychotics, lol? It took a little over a year to recover from that psychosis. In school however, mood stabilizers and antipsychotics were used off-label to keep my behavior in check, and clonidine was used to reduce the tourettes caused by the drugs. Not once did I have psychotic symptoms, not untill antidepressants were used, that is. I picked up a few bags of coke to get by while I work out the problems, else I'd probably go deep. I won't go back to that hell. But honestly, it's not even working, and I'm just getting addicted. Absolutely worthless solution. I think i'll go buy some tony robbins and do that, cause I've had it with all this. It's that or I take the plunge. I've never been so content with the thought in my life, so I'm probably not okay and tony might be the right drug.

I understand that I am fully accountable for my life, and I accept that. But with the bitterness of how I was treated in all those years and the lack of a father, with my history itself being so god awful and me at the center of it, I am filled with regret. How do I reconcile with my nightmare? My integrity, my relationships, my trust, my independance, and so much more, all of these things hing on a scale that sits in my past weighing me to consequences coming from school, psychiatry, and religion. I have to understand discipline and social dynamics to account for school; easy, done. I have to understand medicine and psychology to account for medication regimens; easy, done. I have to understand righteousness to account for behavioral impropriety; easy, done. I have to understand family dynamics and economics to account for limiting factors and their implications; easy, done.. It's such a simple equation that it boils my blood to say that not a single person in my life ever said 'look, you don't have a father and your family lives below the povery threshold, the problems you WILL have to deal with are (X) and (X).' Instead, dozens, and I mean dozens, of qualified professionals had me in multiple psychotherapeutic settings where the focus was on surface level behavioral disturbances and even though they gave me lots of drugs, none of them were decent enough as human beings to take even a peak below the surface? Could none of them with their intelligence not make the correlation between a lack of resources, a lack of a father, my mother who was always working, a huge disparity in my computational skills and my verbal skills (99th percentile and 2nd percentile), and of course, the antipsychotics and mood stabilizers they were giving me despite having had me on amphetamines from the age of 6? Are they ***ing idiots? I feel like I was ***ed around by walking twigs with papers that had scribbles and nonsensical doodles on them for degrees, How am I supposed to accept this? How do I accept that the bottomline is so low that ignorants like those involved in my life are able to play such a dangerous game with developing humans? At the same time, how do I guage how much is me? It is already humiliating, but it would be much, much worse to accept that i was not responsible and to give them credibility. It would mean validating them to some degree, and with the nightmare they so casually put me through and the shame of inability that came along with it, and the powerlessness that was communicated to the core of my consciousness, how am I to live? While I have an obvious bias, their oversights in my life are evidentally very clear and can be found even in the off-label drug uses that psychiatrists were applying to their protocols while 'treating' me, surely they knew better than the fda approved uses of the drugs to the letter. If I saw the psychiatrist that gave me zyprexa, lithium, and clondine as a treatment regimen, I would definitely hurt him. He stole years of memories from me and robbed me of the ability to learn for years. I do not want a free pass. I would rather die. I also do not want to be treated like societies' garbage again. If me having a disadvantaged birth (I was dead) meant that I would have developmental delays and problems with various cognitive functions, then their collective response was wholly inadequate and detrimental.

I am in truth a very loving, kind and gentle person, and the fierce animosity that you can see in my posts is infact in conflict with my internal standards. It is a part of me that is kept in strict control, and lately I've been feeling out of control and trapped. I do not understand why I have to bury all of this so deep and when it starts to surface I get no rest.

Thanks for the input everyone. I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of paying the price for *** out of my control. I feel screwed. It doesn't help that I've been using drugs daily at low doses for the last couple months.. I exited a relationship after I realized that I was buying love and being codependant.. and she put pressure on me as though I owed her instead of appreciating my kindness towards her. I wanted somebody to love me back, someone I could look forward to seeing.. then I realized that living for someone else's love is the lowest place. I see everyone at work go home to their friends and families. I work with hundreds of clients who are wealthy and live on clouds, their lives have been streamlined, and there they are providing significant value to consumers and businesses and going home to people that love them dearly. I've been at the *** all this point for a while. Nothing in life is good without family and friends to celebrate with, nothing. But can I even handle family and friends now? I feel responsible for all the ***ed up *** that happened to me, and these were people in multiple positions of authority who, through their power, placed me in a position of dependance and abasement for many years. I swear to god.. god cursed adam after eve was innocently decieved by a goddamn serpent whose craft is deception, and who is more gullible than the innocent? There was no sin, and yet this story is sold and told as the truth. I was taught to give all my power away by religious people and to believe that I had none, and I am weary; the foundation I was given was poison, the people that dealt with me were poison. Deception, manipulation, exploitation, abuse.. this is such a common societal them today and it's legal practice. Man, the hurt is great. If these people would have just treated me like a human, as a friend, as family, I could give them credit and say I was in the wrong and this consequnce is due, and it breaks my ***ing heart that I can't and the only thing I can credit them with is treachery. I hate them for giving me a reason to.

I haven't read his books and it's the first time I've heard his name. I'll take a look. Honestly, I'm disillusioned. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that if I met god, I'd ask him to show me the way to the cauldron. If mormons didn't smudge his narrative of righteousness in my presence then I might have a religious narrative to run along with, but none of them ever helped my mother who faithfully paid her tiths, and not one of them looked at us four bastards as sons in need of teaching. I feel like life has given me exceedingly great lessons with tremendous value at an even greater expense. I know that we all go through hardship, but man, this exchange has left me spiritually destitute. Medicine, school, church, and government... Medical establishments.. their cumulative contributions are much greater than the damages caused by failures in their experimental therapeuric and psychiatric practices. Their failures produce credible referential material that can lead to breakthroughs, so somebody has to fall on the nail.. and it's still incredibly profitable to the industry, so there's there's zero consequence to the industry for the people harmed or killed in the process. School system.. although the teaching material today is elementary at best, most humans develope a sound social capacity through an integrative social paradigm.. arguably the most useful skill acquirable in school. School contributions are significant and central to the health of society, so it doesn't really matter that the board placed me in a thoroughly isolated and highly reduced social environment for 10 years while giving me drugs that manipulate the autonomy of my brain just to add more punishments for failures. Didn't matter that my cognition was so impaired by the pharmaceuticals that I couldn't make any developemental progress in those years. I don't even remember the name of a single teacher in school. Church of Jesus.. can't really think of a good reason to forgive them for selling my family a bag of lies while my mother struggled daily and everone else did whatever the *** they wanted to do with us. 3 out of 4 kids giving multiple establishments huge payouts on the monthly but not a single layman or minister showed up to teach us how to govern our own damn selves. What the *** did I need jesus for when they were right there collecting money as well. I do not feel alone or lonely. I am alone, this is fact. Else, who would watch me fall so low? I would never let someone in my network (although I don't have one) sit alone with what I'm sitting through. I would light your world up till you're a light set on a hill. I would teach you how to see through the ruse and cut down the false pretense, and I would give you a pen and show you how to write the narrative of your story going forward. I would not be unloading my cry on an online forumboard if I were not alone, and now I am here making an effort to not be alone at this time. I wish somebody was there, but nobody ever came to show my family "the way." I am not fairing well with my overwhelmingly negative life experience. I am not even interested in living how people live today. I do not have any place where I am valued as an authetic human being, I have no tribe, I have no desire for a home anymore, or steady job, and I do not find any fulfillment through drugs, entertainment, or money. I hardly know life at all, but I know problems very well. I have one burning desire, and that's to show the young how to be built up in themselves properly so that they can help themselves grow in their own most authentic and capable self.. in countries where they will take it to heart and not spit on it. Americans love spitting on eachother, what good is it to give them my heart when they ripped my soul in pieces? Will their garbage be placed on a shelf after they threw it away? If I cannot build a life that provides real value to those who need it, then I am utterly exhausted to breath.

I'm 31 now. I spent 10 years in spcial ed. I was on medication from 6y-25y. In middle school and high school I failed my classes consistently and was unable to learn. I would read paragraphs over and over and repeat the contents many times over, and eventually I gave up entirely and dropped out. Naturally, when a psychiatrist places you on lithiun, zyprexa, and clonidine and keeps you on them for years, it doesn't matter how much amphetamines they put in your mouth, you're not going to be able to learn. I spent two years off medication 17-19, isolated in a room, and playing video games 18 hours a day. I was on social security and lost it by telling them I didn't need it, and then I had an attorney reopen the case and we won. I then spent the next 6 years (isolated) in my apartment doing research on pharmaceuticals while experimenting with dozens of drug combinations to 'fix myself.' Needless to say, hell cast a shadow on me from an early age and followed me all the way here. My family is small, there was 5 of us alltogether. The father of my siblings and I was an alcoholic who bailed when I was 4y after robbing my mother and putting her on the street. Then she worked two jobs for the next 15 years at the poverty line, and now she's retired from working and ill. I've been thinking about suicide so much lately. Every time I look at the past there's this horrible darkness. My confidence was destroyed by teachers, therapists, and doctors. My hopes were destroyed by seeing my own family in constant peril. Man, how strong do I need to be?

I just ended a relationship with a friend I love dearly because she continually disrespected me. If you were somebody in my life I would not let this guy near you. He doesn't respect you, and if he says he does it's a lie he uses to suck you in. Walk away.

What i'm doing is bringing focus to the distinction. Another way to understand what I said is to consider that she's bluffing herself, and it's time to find out why. If she's having this kind if issue but her surface level narrative is that she hates being the center if attention, then the problem could easily be dismissed as not liking the attention and she wouldn't be here, but she is, so I've given subject material to work with. What she needs to do is figure out the truth--the real reason she feels that way, because that is what will solve her problem.

Hmmm. I'm calling your bluff. I do not believe this at all. I will make it simple: everybody needs (literally, NEEDs) recognition from others in some form. What's happening here has more to do with you having an expectation that you think you should be living up to and you believe you're not or can't--and you're failing your own tests as result, but the rule is that you should okay with the attention and you're not because it makes you feel insecure. You don't hate the attention, but you do hate feeling insecure when attention is focused on you because you begin testing and failing yourself. Stooooop, lol. 😌

You're close to the mark, but it's more than likely that you going to these places alone has less to do with the activity itself. Either you want to be noticed and you feel bad about it, or you don't want to be noticed and you feel bad about it. Or, you have a need that is not being met and the activity is a channel you're using to try and meet that need. Something in your blueprint isn't matching up. You might have an expectation that is failing reality tests, you could have an internal rule that you are unwitttingly violating, or you have a need that is not being met, and the emotion you're experiencing is trying to tell you something important about the the matter. Try asking yourself some questions next time it happens. I would not just chalk it up to anxiety. If you do that, you may miss the opportunity to figure out what is really going on with you.

My god, your game is absolutely terrible and your attitude is condensending. 1. If he is initiating contact and he has made it clear that he wanted to date you previously, assume that he wants to see you. 2. If you declined him multiple times and he stopped asking you out, be flattered, you got what you wanted and he's not going to ask you out again. 3. You go on a date to judge compatibility, chemistry, to hang out, have fun, and hook up. 4. If he made the date plans such as inviting you to the lounge, it does not mean that he's not interested in what you do or don't like, it means he's taken the lead by planning out the occasion, and he gets 10/10 for maintaining masculine polarity with you. 5. Don't ask him out, you'll be wasting his time. He doesn't have time for somebody that doesn't respect him. 6. Send him this thread. Right, you won't cause now your mind just told you everything you're doing wrong here and why you CANT send him this thread. Now you have all your answers. Next time you think that turning down dates with a guy you like is intelligent, then remember two things: you don't want a successful relationship, or you want to play games. If you actually have a valid reason, then sure! But 'i like him but I turned him down multiple times--why isn't he asking me out anymore?' People's feelings are not games, and you made it quite clear that you enjoyed turning him down without considering him at all, so it's your turn to leave him alone.