Girlfriend lied about dealbreaker, not sure what to do now

[WandererBoy]

Hi everyone. I'll try to be as brief as possible.

Several months ago I met this girl, let's call her N. She's very smart and has a lot of passions. We clicked instantly after meeting.

There was a problem, however - she has a deep-ingrained sense of what a man should do, also due to her culture, and one of these things was that a man needs to spoil his girl, always paying for her every time the two go out. I won't get into which culture this is, but I have been part of it long enough, and I can say with 100% certainty that it all checks out. She was not being manipulating, she really thought this was the only way.

Well, I told her we should go our separate ways, because I was not in a financial position to do that every time, and even if I was, I didn't want to be someone's caregiver. I don't like offering things and I feel embarrassed when people offer me something, so I really cannot agree to those terms.

Some days later she writes me, saying that it's okay to follow my compromise (we pay our part and sometimes I offer stuff IF I feel like it). So we start dating proper. Some months ago (and not sooner because of bigger, unavoidable reasons) we finally become a couple with an official relationship.

Yesterday we had a bit of an argument because I feel like she doesn't really listen to me too much, and we somehow end up talking about this money problem. She confessed that, every time we went out, she felt horrible because I wasn't paying for everything. When I inquired about this issue, that I thought was solved, she revealed that she lied about my compromise being a good one, hoping I would change my mind at a later date. Then she told me that, if I don't want to pay for everything, then she cares more about the relationship than I do.

I was (and still am) stunned. My financial situation has not improved since last year, she has a job and is independent, so it's not a matter of being a breadwinner. I don't want a super stressful relationship where I always think about what I will have to pay next. Even if I had money, that is MY money, and I believe I should spend it as I see fit.

Most importantly, I am hurt by her lie, which only confirmed my suspicion that she doesn't really listen to my needs. It's like she said "Yeah, yeah, keep talking, I'll get my way, then when all is said and done, you'll have to agree with me". Except I don't, I will never agree to being a money bag. But now I have the emotional involvement of a long acquaintance, which is making everything harder. Either I agree with her conditions (and I do not want to) and be miserable, or I disagree, and she's miserable. I said she's not being malicious, but thinking of it, after the lie, maybe she was. And frankly it doesn't excuse her, because harm is harm.

 

What should I do? My first instinct is to leave her, but I get attached to people, and she's very dear to me. On the other hand, I could never agree to terms that are negative for me. I could talk to her about it, but what good would that do? She knows the gravity of the situation, else she wouldn't have lied in the first place to get me back.

I am absolutely stumped. Please help me out here guys. Any input is appreciated.

TL, DR - Girl lies about dealbreaker to get me to stay, then tells me to suck it up when feelings have set in

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, WandererBoy said:

  My first instinct is to leave her, but I get attached to people, 

Sorry this happened. It seems like her compromise was insincere and you both hoped the other would change. 

Unfortunately this boils down to basic incompatibilities with regard to values, culture and expectations.

Set yourselves free to date people with the same values. There is no need to keep trying to force fit this, especially since all that's doing is creating arguments and mutual resentment.

Just tell her you don't see eye to eye and it's best you both go your own ways, then delete and block her.

Next time date women with values and dating expectations more consistent with your own.

[Carnatic]

The way you describe it, ending it is your only real choice.

You summed up the issues, the relationship would be a financial drain on you and she lied about what she wanted from the relationship hoping that once you got attached she could change the terms and you'd agree... Which is toxic. These things probably aren't fixable so you two shouldn't really be together.

[DarkCh0c0]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

What you've described is a core incompatibility. She tried to compromise, but it's not her thing.

And, If you get attached to someone, you can get detached by separating and putting strong boundaries.

Don't let her string you along anymore and don't let go of who you are for anyone. A healthy partner would want you for who you are and not for who they want you to be. Respect your deal-breaker and go your separate ways.

[Kwothe28]

43 minutes ago, WandererBoy said:

she has a deep-ingrained sense of what a man should do, also due to her culture, and one of these things was that a man needs to spoil his girl, always paying for her every time the two go out.

What is her culture? Is it being a basic Instagram B? 🤣

I like to "spoil" my girls. And is considered "gentlmenny" here for a man to pay for drinks as far as the first date goes. But in a modern dating world what she said to you is such a huge red flag. How she can act all entilted just because she is a woman and that she can order anything and that you need to pay for that or else you are not a man for her. After that sentence you should have sent her where sun dont shines and just move on with your life.

[WandererBoy]

Thank you for your replies, guys. I took the time to read them all, and so far, the common sentiment is that it wouldn't work between us. It started to hurt now, and I would love to find a solution, but at the same time, I don't want to force a solution if there isn't a natural one. We will talk face to face in the next days and go from there. My "problem" is that I cannot compromise on something like that, and I put problem in airquotes because it really isn't a problem, more like a fact. I can compromise on many things (and I have done so), but not on this one, and her lie hurt me a lot.

[WandererBoy]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

What is her culture? Is it being a basic Instagram B? 🤣

I like to "spoil" my girls. And is considered "gentlmenny" here for a man to pay for drinks as far as the first date goes. But in a modern dating world what she said to you is such a huge red flag. How she can act all entilted just because she is a woman and that she can order anything and that you need to pay for that or else you are not a man for her. After that sentence you should have sent her where sun dont shines and just move on with your life.

Oriental Slavic culture.

I also try to be a gentleman on the first date, maybe even the second, but after that I speak my mind about it, because it's normal here to pay for everything and I am the outlier.

I too like to spoil my girls, but as you said referring to red flags, it needs to be my decision, not a social rule, because the date then becomes stressful and I don't look forward to it, which defeats the purpose of being together. She just cannot escape the local mindset, and it's so frustrating

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, WandererBoy said:

Thank you for your replies, guys. I took the time to read them all, and so far, the common sentiment is that it wouldn't work between us. It started to hurt now, and I would love to find a solution, but at the same time, I don't want to force a solution if there isn't a natural one. We will talk face to face in the next days and go from there. My "problem" is that I cannot compromise on something like that, and I put problem in airquotes because it really isn't a problem, more like a fact. I can compromise on many things (and I have done so), but not on this one, and her lie hurt me a lot.

When I dated from 1979-2005 the man usually paid for everything at first -and some men insisted on always paying (but those men - I would buy them gifts, buy tickets to stuff in advance, do things to make up for the disparity. I always started offering to chip in/treat early on and preferred turn taking if possible. 

But here's the thing -since you are not in a financial situation to do so how often did she plan free or really inexpensive outings? Or agree to them? My father always paid for my mom in the 1950s.  He had very little $ as a student who worked in his parents' store. 

So from what I was told they went for long walks, got a pizza once in awhile, went to free/low cost museums - my mom came from modest means and from all I know never ever felt entitled to being treated in a fancy way at all.  They were teenagers.  She worked for a few years before my sister was born after they married then was a SAHM as was typical for about 10 years, then worked part time and sometimes full time for the next 25 years.  So even back then when yes it was -man always pays! - my mom never took advantage of that.  It's a mindset not just a brainwashed culture thing.

My husband and I dated many years ago and he took me to Europe on vacation.  After dating 3 months.  I gave him a check for what I estimated was half of the amount.  He took the check.  I was so financially clueless so I had no idea till later he never deposited it.  6 months later he took me to Disney.  I gave him another check for half (estimating) -he then told me he'd never deposited the first one for Europe lol.  I mean yes I really appreciated it but he also saw that I wasn't acting entitled.  

[Kwothe28]

10 minutes ago, WandererBoy said:

Oriental Slavic culture.

 

That is literally my culture lol

And again, its not a thing. I dunno if its because I dated some very independant women so I didnt have an issue. For example, one felt "guilty" because I bought her flowers so she insisted on paying for drinks. But for me it was always somewhat equal exchange. You pay for something (for example I always insisted on paying on first dates, it was never an issue to pay for a few drinks and never felt it as a burden) but they pay some other time usually. 

Only extremely entilted ones would even raise an issue that you "need" to pay for everything and "spoil" them. Because that is how they are. Entilted and spoiled. In a need for a guy who would indulge that kind of behavior by buying them drinks, stuff, taking them on vacations for free etc. Its an extreme red flag even in my culture. So again, its not a cultural thing, its the entiltlement thing. And its connected to her being like that. In search for a "SugarDaddy" to take care of her. You are just not that and you shouldnt have even indulge her behaviors from the start.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, WandererBoy said:

My "problem" is that I cannot compromise on something like that, and I put problem in airquotes because it really isn't a problem, more like a fact. I can compromise on many things (and I have done so), but not on this one, and her lie hurt me a lot

Okay. You know where you stand. There's no need to "talk about it". Her lie even gives you one more reason to confirm she's doesn't possess qualities to be a good partner to you.

Just accept that you guys are not a good fit and go in separate ways.

[Andrina]

No matter who gives in, if one of you did, the bitterness would end up killing the relationship, regardless.

Of course it's natural to become attached to someone you've been intimate with, shared meals with, enjoyed time with. We are not robots. That said, life is not for sissies. One has to make the hard decision of leaving what is not good for us to be single and free for someone who is a better match.

When you get time and distance away and this relationship is in your rear-view mirror, you will see things more clearly and will feel better and more confident about your decision.

[Coily]

This isn't about the money, or cultural differences; this is about her saying one thing and then doing the other without a care. She sounds at best deceitful. She intentionally mislead you, and expects that even after a compromise that you still must violate those terms at her whim. What else will she manipulate you over? Can you see a future with someone who has no problem breaking your agreements?

 

[smackie9]

Sorry but this is big conflict so it over plain and simple. Think of it this way…she ended up manipulating you this whole time for her own selfish needs. She’s only thinking about herself. I would be pissed and never talk to her again. This is brutal bro. Send her packing. 

[Lambert]

5 hours ago, WandererBoy said:

Then she told me that, if I don't want to pay for everything, then she cares more about the relationship than I do.

This tells you everything you need to know.  End it.

Not only is this BS. It's completely manipulative and selfish on her part.

This is not a good partner.  get out now.

[lostandhurt]

This is not a cultural thing, this is a choice plain and simple.  Many cultures have certain values and customs that have long died out because over time they are no longer needed.

Perhaps many many years ago the male needed to provide because the female had to stay home and wasn't allowed to work for example.

This is a young woman that is trying to use her power over men to be put on a pedestal and spoiled.

Sounds like she wants to date a celebrity with money falling out of his pockets and that doesn't mind being used.

When you boil this down to the basics it sounds like she wants you to pay to date her.

Lost

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

This is not a cultural thing, this is a choice plain and simple.  Many cultures have certain values and customs that have long died out because over time they are no longer needed.

Perhaps many many years ago the male needed to provide because the female had to stay home and wasn't allowed to work for example.

This is a young woman that is trying to use her power over men to be put on a pedestal and spoiled.

Sounds like she wants to date a celebrity with money falling out of his pockets and that doesn't mind being used.

When you boil this down to the basics it sounds like she wants you to pay to date her.

Lost

I feel this way too -this is one of those cultural "excuses" as opposed to a religious rule a person follows who adheres to the religion.  It's also so shallow.  As I mentioned above dating can be inexpensive/free a lot of the time with some planning and creativity.

[boltnrun]

My husband and I didn't have two dimes to rub together when we were dating. So we did things like go to the local pitch & putt (cost $7 per person) or went to the local park to shoot baskets or went to the beach or to the local theater that showed month old films ($3 per person!). But love for one another held us together, not him "spoiling" me by buying me things.

Saying you're "attached" is an excuse to stay in an incompatible relationship. You can detach when you realize the right woman is out there somewhere. But you'll never find her if you keep yourself in this wrong relationship.

[waffle]

7 hours ago, WandererBoy said:

Some days later she writes me, saying that it's okay to follow my compromise (we pay our part and sometimes I offer stuff IF I feel like it). 

lol that was not a compromise, that was you getting your way. Should she have agreed to it hoping you'd change your mind?  I don't know.  But I don't know that I'd call it a "lie."  She was the only one compromising here and at some point she probably woke up and thought, "hey, wait a minute . . . "  You're at a stalemate right now--you won't budge and she won't budge.  So it looks like it's Game Over.

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, WandererBoy said:

She confessed that, every time we went out, she felt horrible because I wasn't paying for everything. When I inquired about this issue, that I thought was solved, she revealed that she lied about my compromise being a good one, hoping I would change my mind at a later date. Then she told me that, if I don't want to pay for everything, then she cares more about the relationship than I do.

She's throwing guilt your way because of her ways & wants.  Which has not & will not change.

Then you be done with her.

And no, does not mean you care any less than she does. Either way, it doesn't matter.  you two do not mesh well.

[JohnLee]

Asian cultures are like this, the men pay for everything during dating. 

[Cherylyn]

A good solution would be for each person to pay for their own meals and beverages.  Same with concert tickets, movie theater tickets, museum admission tickets, amusement parks or whatever as long as each person pays their own way.  This arrangement would be fair and equal. 

Or, you can do what my husband and I did.  During our dating years,  we took turns paying for restaurant meals and everything else.  We dated and married within 1.5 years. 

However, I've noticed that even when my then boyfriend, now husband would randomly pay for anything for both of us, he didn't complain nor whine about money each and every time.  He just paid.  Or, I paid.  He never sounded like an ugly penny pinching cheapskate tightwad nor was he ever stingy.  I've noticed he's a generous tipper, too.  He simply paid and in the future, I paid for anything at random.  Neither of us kept score.  Even to this day, he is generous and doesn't squawk over some random expenses incurred by me.  I find this very attractive in him.  He is easy to get along.  He doesn't make money issues a constant big deal.  It all evens out in the end.  No harm,  no foul.  He nor we never made money an issue.  Perhaps this is one of the big reasons why our marriage is harmonious and smooth. 

As for her lying, even though it was dishonest and unfair to you, at least she admitted to lying and I hope she has since sincerely and humbly apologized to you.  Most people whom I've known would never admit to lying much less apologize to me in a million years nor would they care to ever make amends as this is not their way. 

If both of you can't and won't reach some sort of reasonable agreement or compromise, then respectfully part ways. 

 

[spinstermanquee]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

My husband and I didn't have two dimes to rub together when we were dating. So we did things like go to the local pitch & putt (cost $7 per person) or went to the local park to shoot baskets or went to the beach or to the local theater that showed month old films ($3 per person!). But love for one another held us together, not him "spoiling" me by buying me things.

Right on, bolt!  On an early date (30 years ago), we took an inexpensive bottle of champagne to the beach one night after dark.  While we were lounging, a pregnant sea turtle lumbered out of the ocean.  We froze so as not to scare her... and she crawled right past us to the dunes to lay her eggs.  It was one of the most magical nights of my life for under $15.

Wanderer, sorry you are pained by this but better now than after she drains you and tosses you aside for someone "who values her more" (code phrase for spends more money).  You WILL find someone whose values are better aligned with yours and treats you back and forth in line with her income and yours, fairly.

[Batya33]

I am with Cheryln on the taking turns and not keeping score or tabs on each other.  Each paying his/her own way as a routine sounds way too formal for a romantic relationship except in specific situations (you each buy your own tickets for something because one of you has a coupon/deal to use for one ticket).  

When husband and I were long distance if I flew to see him I very often bought my own plane ticket but he then treated for all food/entertainment for weekend. Who knows or cares how it worked out dollar wise? Sometimes our respective companies paid for our travel -we'd meet somewhere we we both had business trips -but again no keeping score/penny pinching.

On our wedding night we got to the hotel so late and had had wedding lunch so my brand new husband bought me dinner.  From a vending machine (I think we had fast food burgers when we got there but I was still hungry- we honeymooned at a casino hotel!).  He treated lol.  It was delicious and romantic to eat junk food in bed.  When he took me to Disney 12 years earlier his parents treated us (from afar) to a fancy shmancy dinner at the Grand Floridian.  It was incredible and romantic and I ended up sick to my stomach lol.  Money doesn't buy you love or a settled tummy.

[catfeeder]

She told you exactly where she stood at the start, and your initial impulse was spot on. You recognized the poor match, and it’s proven to be so.

Sometimes we need to burn ourselves to learn the hard way.

[jul-els]

She’s manipulative. She told you so herself. If you’re ok with that, then stay. If you’re not, then the only thing keeping you there is your habit of being with her. Feelings don’t matter when someone doesn’t respect you. You need to do what’s best for you.