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Everything posted by WandererBoy

  1. Thank you for reading through the original thread, it can be quite a load of things to remember. I understand what you mean. Back then, I even consulted with a specialist because I was torn between wanting to split due to the premises of the relationship (and even then, what for? Since ofc we were together now and there was no problem at all), and to stay together and put all of myself into it. To this day I really have no idea why I focused so much on the feeling I had of being the second in line for her. I think it has to do with intolerance of competition but it lingered even after th
  2. I cannot disagree. In retrospect, I would have dropped the whole thing, as I said. But that's from the perspective of a more mature person (or at least, I'd like to fashion myself that), and I was not mature 6 years ago. I hated that I viewed her in a certain way instead of what I would have liked. I want to clarify that I do not approve of the action of finding someone else while a relationship is still going. I myself prefer to just leave the person if the relationship is not working. But people have different behaviors in different situations and I don't feel qualified enough to accuse h
  3. I feel like there is a lot to answer here, and I will be happy to shed some light on the topics presented. When I asked her out, I did not know she was engaged. We are talking something like 6 years ago, but at its core, she was the first to mention she had a boyfriend, she casually did so, and ended the sentence with "...but we have huge issues", and proceeded to see me anyway. So, while I pursued her at first, she wanted to meet me all the same. I felt betrayed because she would always mention how bad her situation was, how badly he treated her, but she still bought time and wasn't really
  4. I am very sorry to hear this. I hope you are feeling okay now. I have checked out your other comment and I was extremely surprised to see that our stories are very similar, only switched around, save for some minor details. I'm here if you want to talk or exchange stories, since I believe we share a common experience but from different viewpoints. To reply to your post: your ex sounds a bit manipulating, since his words didn't line up to his actions, but from the description you have provided, I wouldn't say he was gaslighting. Gaslighting usually consists in presenting information and the
  5. I understand where you're coming from. I will specify that I am extremely adamant about this occasion abroad, because I have been preparing for it for the last six years. In the meantime, I am also very frustrated where I live. I have no relevant job and I am anxious to start my career. You could say I am tunnel-visioning my future career, and the problem is, I want to devote myself to it fully at least for now, and I cannot have another person with me if that is to be.
  6. I did find myself in a similar situation in the past, and I was quick to react and move on. I could never do that to Jane, I had always something blocking me from taking the final decision. I will never start another relationship if I am not sure about it all.
  7. Thank you all for your thoughts. I appreciate being told I was selfish, because in retrospect, I was indeed, and it is good to hear it, so that I can improve myself going forward. I agree with the majority of you, I should have ended it as soon as I saw a gap between us, and a big difference in life goals too. I do not regret these months together, but they probably only served to make it harder later on. I didn't tell her outright that I would have left her anyway, because it's not true. If I stayed here I am 100% sure I would have kept on trying to make it work (fruitlessly). She knows
  8. In my experience, when people say that they are a different person from before, it could be a big red flag. You have been together for six years, so any change would have been gradual enough to not be noticeable. Imagine that you are the right person for her because your characters match, your thoughts are aligned, and you get along pretty well. Now imagine that she changes her whole personality, or feels like she has. Are you still the right person for her, since she is not the same person as before? The red flag is that her convinction about her change could hide a bigger reality, whic
  9. During my very first relationship, I waited 6 months. On my second one, a month. For occasional flings and random fun, it would usually be 2-4 dates.
  10. I am in your exact same situation. During my roaring years I felt like I had no competition at all when it came to girls, then slowly but surely the competition came, and with it, refusals. It is okay to leave a girl be because she would rather have another person. It is also okay to choose someone over someone else due to your preferences. I have discovered that, growing up, looks tend to matter less and less (but they usually do always matter anyway!) and being an interesting person is valued more and more. You are facing a very common situation. If you think your external looks are up
  11. The past cannot be erased. This is a lesson I have learned in my previous relationships. What can be done, however, is to ease its weight on the shoulders of a significant other. Your husband cannot change the fact that he was with that girl for two years, but he offered to get rid of her things and memories, which is an incredibly selfless act and the most important proof of his serious commitment to you. I would not advise you to rationalise why he stayed with her even if she was unstable. It may look like madness from the perspective of an outsider, but when you are in the relationshi
  12. Hi all. I haven't posted in a long time, but I often thought about updating my status after my original thread. I cannot post URLs, but it's the only other thread I have started if you are curious. Short version: an old love of mine, Jane, came back into my life at a point where I was happy with who I was. While some things about the renewed relationship were good, I was still resenting her internally for how we split up the first time. I felt very emotional during this time together and I could not make a final decision about our future together. I did not feel fulfilled with her, and I wa
  13. I'm sorry for the late reply, but I had little time in the past days. I thank everyone for the advice, both kind and harsh, because every perspective helps and I know I have made some questionable choices. Living on a mountain doesn't seem so nice anymore ahah. But yes, facing the problem is the only way. I know that, but I somewhat try to delay the crash. I feel like I am afraid of losing her forever, while at the same time I know we cannot stay together as things stand. I am torn between staying and leaving. I don't know if the sugar analogy is fitting, but it sure holds merit when I thi
  14. It can be annoying to be put on hold for hours. It is often a reliable enough indicator that she isn't into you. In the past I have talked with both girls that were interested in me, and that weren't. The difference is like day and night. On the one hand they would respond in a matter of 2-3 minutes, in the other it would take up to one day. Think of it like this: if she is interested, she will actively seek you, especially if you reciprocate the sentiment. You did well in answering after some minutes because instant replies make it look like one keeps refreshing the page just to keep up t
  15. I thank you all for your thoughts so far. I will try to respond as best as I can. You aren't the first to mention this, now that I think of it. "Once a cheater, always a cheater", was it? And I tend to agree. Thing is, both in the old relationship and now, Jane was a good and kind person for the whole duration but the start, where this "other dudes" deal is/was. I do agree with you, there's no need to be a hermit. It's just so confusing that, even after she knew such a situation is a deal breaker for me, she just came back into my life bearing that exact situation years later. I canno
  16. The thing is, she never cheated on me. Maybe I didn't make this clear so I'll make up for it here. My problem was that she made me feel like I was an option. At the time I didn't know what effect that would have on me because I never found a similar situation before, but the thought of being a lover to the girl I wanted, while she wanted me in return, was just so absurd to the point of hurting.
  17. Hi all. I would like to share my story with you. I have spoken about this situation with my best buddies, but I feel like a need a stranger's reply about the matter, as that would be more objective. There's this girl. Let's call her Jane (not real name). Some years ago we had a relationship and we were in love. But there was a problem... at the start of our relationship, she was engaged. I know what you may be thinking. I am not proud of myself, but their relationship was loveless and cold, and she saw something in me that could make her happy again. For some reason, however, we lasted for
  18. If you love/like her, her family should be of secondary importance. This isn't always possible, especially when you're younger, but indeed a toxic family can go a long way. I would try telling her about how you feel. See how she reacts, if she's aware and whatnot, then decide what's best for the couple.
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