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Am I in the wrong with my bf


GemLou
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So I have been with my bf 3 years. He went to a wedding last year without me because he didn't have a plus 1 and he knew I waset happy because I think you should go as a couple. Anyway he has another friend wedding come up and I'm not invited again cos he dosent have a plus 1. He thinksits okay going in his own and is happy going without me which I ain't happy about. I'm really pissed off. I would never go to a friend's wedding without him. I want him to stick up for me and say I ain't going without you. please help me 😭

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If the wedding couple doesn't include a "plus one" on the invitation he cannot insist on bringing you.  I would imagine they have a budget they need to stick to and can't afford to pay for an extra dinner for each guest that wants to bring someone with them.

Are you asking for advice on how to get him to see things your way?  Because if you've talked to him in a reasonable tone without yelling or crying and he still wants to go without you I don't see how you can "get" him to change his mind.

What specifically makes you so "pissed off" about him going without you?

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A wedding is not a date for you and your boyfriend.  Let him attend by himself.  Not every nuptial can afford to pay for plus one especially if there's a reception including meals.  I agree with boltnrun.

Be a good sport ! Do something else while your boyfriend attends the wedding by himself.  Get busy and do what you enjoy.  You don't have to do everything together.  If you're busy and preoccupied, you won't have time, energy nor brain space to be concerned about wedding attendance.  Besides, weddings aren't that exciting to attend unless it's your own IMHO. 

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Many years ago I had a serious boyfriend but plus ones for weddings were only for engaged or married couples.  Nothing to stick up for -they likely have a budget and/or want to keep it to a certain number of guests.  How well do you know the couple? I think it's more than fine if he goes - you're not joined at the hip, right?  Are you happy with being his girlfriend or would you prefer to be engaged or married right now? 

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Well I'm sure if he did have a plus one, he would bring you with him to the wedding. Why should he not be able to go just because you can't go? I think that's actually selfish. Also obviously you don't really know the people getting married so that's why you weren't invited to the wedding. I personally wouldn't care that much if I didn't know the people to go to their wedding.

I don't think couples have to go to literally every single thing together and if one can't go, it's OK for the other partner to go. E.g. Let's say your boyfriend is sick but you were invited to a wedding. Should you then not go at all because he's sick and can't go? Why should one person miss out for no real good reason? I don't think it's healthy in a relationship to not allow your partner to go anywhere unless you're going too.

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9 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Yeah, you are in the wrong.

It's a bit controlling to expect someone to not go to a wedding of a friend just because you aren't invited. And it's childish. 

 

I will mention one exception.  There was one time I was invited to the wedding - ceremony and reception - my husband was in the wedding and I had actually helped organize the bachelorette luncheon for the bride who I barely knew at the time - but I wasn't invited to the rehearsal dinner because we were not (yet) engaged - I found this rude to be excluded from the dinner the night before especially since by then I knew the couple.  But I went to the wedding.  My husband also was unhappy with that arrangement.  

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3 hours ago, GemLou said:

He thinks it's okay going in his own and is happy going without me . . . 

This is all you need to know, right here. ^ ^ ^

I think it's strange to invite a single person to a wedding and expect them to go alone and not allow them to bring a guest.  I've never heard of that.  There might be more going on behind the scenes here than you realize.

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Are other guests bringing dates? 

If not, I would not kick up a fuss about it. Not all couples can afford for guests to invite dates to their wedding. It's not that unusual. 

If, however, other guests are bringing dates and you have been left off the guest list, I would wonder why that is. 

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10 hours ago, GemLou said:

. I want him to stick up for me and say I ain't going without you.  😭

You weren't invited. It's that simple. And he wants to go because he was invited. You can be angry but if the invitation is just for him, then it is what it is.

 

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9 hours ago, waffle said:

This is all you need to know, right here. ^ ^ ^

I think it's strange to invite a single person to a wedding and expect them to go alone and not allow them to bring a guest.  I've never heard of that.  There might be more going on behind the scenes here than you realize.

I've heard of it and experienced that many times over.  Formal weddings are expensive and in the 40 years I've attended weddings and been of dating age most limit it to serious boyfriend/girlfriend where they know the couple and engaged, married.  I found it unusual to be invited to bring a guest to a formal wedding.  To one of the more informal gatherings -maybe.

  I went to weddings alone and often had a great time. I didn't have a big wedding so it was not an issue and there was no one who wasn't in a couple, anyway.  

What was extremely rude was years ago I had an unhappily single friend who would arrange birthday dinners for herself -where we all paid our own way and chipped in for her - and she limited it to no plus ones because she didn't want to be around couples on her bday.  But she invited the guy who she had a crush on who wasn't that into her -and asked him not to bring the woman he'd started seeing.  I think he stopped by.  That was ridiculous. So if it is a situation where the party host is deliberately excluding significant others for some agenda or excluding a particular significant other that's a different situation.

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15 hours ago, GemLou said:

So I have been with my bf 3 years. He went to a wedding last year without me because he didn't have a plus 1 and he knew I waset happy because I think you should go as a couple. Anyway he has another friend wedding come up and I'm not invited again cos he dosent have a plus 1. He thinksits okay going in his own and is happy going without me which I ain't happy about. I'm really pissed off. I would never go to a friend's wedding without him. I want him to stick up for me and say I ain't going without you. please help me 😭

That’s just it though. He thinks it’s okay and you don’t so you both disagree on this. I suspect this is much more than attending other people’s weddings together.

Have there been instances where you don’t seem to get along with his friends? Do you both have opposing views of marriage? (Ie one of you wants to get married and the other doesn’t?) 

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16 hours ago, GemLou said:

 I want him to stick up for me and say I ain't going without you. please help me 😭

Have you told him this? 

3 years is a long time to be together.  Are you sure you are on the same page in terms of commitment? 

If I were invited, without a plus one and the couple knows I'm in a serious relationship, I would decline. In my mind, I wouldn't want to go to a wedding, a celebration of love without my love. 

But if I was single, ready to mingle and party it up then ok.  

You have to wonder why is your bf close enough to these couples to be invited but not have a plus 1? It might be a cost savings tactic and I've definitely heard of people doing that.  

But if you're a serious couple, it's on him to decline the invitation. If you are not ok with this and he is, you have to think about why? 

Is he gaslighting you to act like you're being petty so he can have his own way? 

Is this the kind of guy you want to be serious with? 

Seems pretty lopsided and you might be more serious about him than he is about you. 

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Wait what???

Who are these people not inviting couples?  I have never been invited to a wedding that didn't have a plus one option.  Now I have had some strange demands over what you could wear or no children allowed but never not allowing someone to bring their partner.

  Seems pretty odd to have two weddings in a row where he isn't allowed to bring a date/gf

Lost

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5 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Seems pretty odd to have two weddings in a row where he isn't allowed to bring a date/gf

Agree once ok, it happens but twice? Are you sure people view you two as a couple or know he has a GF? Have you met each others friends and families? Is it possible he would rather go alone so made up this no plus one story?

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My husband (then fiance) and I nearly cancelled our wedding reception because so many people were making so many demands it started to no longer be about celebrating our marriage. People wanting to bring this person or that person, wanting us to add to our guest list. We were poor early 20s and we just didn't have the budget to throw open the doors and allow anyone to bring someone with them. The status of their relationship wasn't a factor, cost was.

Now, we didn't invite one spouse without inviting the other one but we had to draw a line somewhere or we would have bankrupted ourselves. It's ridiculous to me that some people take out loans or jeopardize their financial futures to pay for a lavish, elaborate wedding reception. 

How well do you know these friends of your boyfriend's? How often do you and your boyfriend spend time with these couples? Once a week?Once a month?

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15 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

My husband (then fiance) and I nearly cancelled our wedding reception because so many people were making so many demands it started to no longer be about celebrating our marriage. People wanting to bring this person or that person, wanting us to add to our guest list. We were poor early 20s and we just didn't have the budget to throw open the doors and allow anyone to bring someone with them. The status of their relationship wasn't a factor, cost was.

Now, we didn't invite one spouse without inviting the other one but we had to draw a line somewhere or we would have bankrupted ourselves. It's ridiculous to me that some people take out loans or jeopardize their financial futures to pay for a lavish, elaborate wedding reception. 

How well do you know these friends of your boyfriend's? How often do you and your boyfriend spend time with these couples? Once a week?Once a month?

I agree we married as poor 20 somethings you can’t invite everyone . It is impossible. 

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You're not telling us how close and friendly you've been with these couples.

It's okay to not like every friend of a partner, and it's okay for partner to see them without you. Same is true of your friends--BF is not required to like or want to spend his time with each of them. 

So you get to decide how upset you want to be about one of his outings per year being spent at a wedding.

There's no wrong answer, you feel how you feel. Speaking only for myself, I'd view it as my opportunity to spend time with beloved friends who aren't all that interesting to my partner.

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I had a very lovely wedding at my husband's small town's church and a reception at an old Victorian mansion-restaurant across the street from the church.  It was fully catered with real tropical punch, cash 'n carry bar, we provided champagne, prime rib, new potatoes, vegetables, fruit platter and  a tiered wedding cake with raspberry filling.  I invited 150 guests including my and my husband's colleagues, our parents' friends, their church brethren, other friends and relatives.  None of them brought their dates.  They knew better.  However,  their spouses were included. 

We had a budget-friendly wedding.  Thankfully, I had very generous volunteers who helped me for free on the big day.  Also,  I was living at home and paid for everything including my wedding gown with veil.  Total cost only $2K including my gown and veil which was delivered from NYC.  Fortunately, the bridal party paid for their gowns and tuxedos.  My husband paid for the honeymoon.  A few years later, we bought our first house and moved several times since then. 

At the congratulatory line, I noticed that the pianist took it upon himself to "invite" his relatives plus their out of town visitors!  😧 I was appalled to discover that I was paying to feed a bunch of complete strangers!  I can't even put it into words regarding how rude and presumptuous it was of them to self-invite plus invite "extras."  To this day, I still fume about it but I'm no longer as angry; just incredulous regarding their audacity.

Yes, you should attend a wedding by yourself if you're invited or politely decline.  If you're in a gracious mood, a nice gift is very thoughtful and kind.  He shouldn't have to stick up for you nor should you if you were to attend a wedding without him.  There is no need.  Be considerate of the bride and groom or whoever is paying for the wedding and reception.  Everything costs hard money.   Have decent manners and don't get in a huff over this. 

Be a good sport, acquiesce, do the right thing and yield.    He's only attending a wedding.  There will be plenty of other opportunities to be with him at other venues.  Don't pout.  It's not worth it.   

 

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